uhhh… from when i was trapped in the computer… (ongoing…)

2025.2.9

I’m working on a house ep… never been really good at producing and ai music could probably make infinite house music, but there is something to this silly method of mine… i’m gonna listen to each track through 1000 times and hopefully by the end someone will want to listen to it to… an ep with more forgotten about it than accessible… it’ll be fun to see if that comes through at all or if people will just claim it does… maybe it will be bland but novel for that reason… so far, I’m about 7 listens in and i have basic song structures down, some melodies in place, a few lucky sound design choices, and a lot to learn… if you like making house and use ableton, hit me up… (424) 242-3817 (gvoice) fuggin… smoke some bones… make some house…

theoretically i should be looking for a job… this pays the bills but keeps me chained to my pc because i just wait till calls come in. i could go somewhere else but i gotta be by the van and most calls are for north of denver which sucks because my brother and friends live south of denver…

typing that gave me the idea to see if i could get suno to generate some fun vocals to chop up because i cannot get enough of “Hyper Dai”. turns out suno was NOT trained on gospel… oh gee whiz wonder what that’s about… could be the same reason that’s a huge blindspot in my musical lexicon… This is happening as Kayne West is having a meltdown… He and i have the same brain thing… i think i pull off the messiah thing better but he’s definitely better at making music… be a fun collab maybe… or should i say… yebe? no… i don’t rock with nazi’s… I talk a lot of trash about jay-z and such but there’s not much he can do about this… so i’ll cut him some slack for not having his guy on this one… If they are using the same tech on him as they did on me his brain is bout to be FRIED… possibly brenden urie too but… that was a late game addition…

Side note: June 2024 had a notable side plot where my ex was sitting in some ballroom, surgical theater thing, next to her dad and of all people Donald Glover(get it cause the think tank delivers lines… they literally tested feeding me lines… all of that shit could have been scripted…). The fantasy was as such where they were putting up all the pictures from back in the day up on a screen with a live feed of me being broadcast in… once again, they were trying to give delusions of grandeur… this was that alright… Her imaginary dad was awfully embarrassed but i was like “she’s hot now! show em that belly” but in the… daydream?… she got topless (bra on) and everyone cheered… obviously that didn’t happen but kanye showed up with a naked girlfriend to the grammy's in real life so thanks for taking that bullet, chump change…(see the joke is his god is coasting on his celebrity rather than giving him good advice) Pretty sweet of her to give him a visual representation of the situation he’s in… i have no room to talk… i’m naked on the internet… she can do what she wants… like i said naked women make me comfortable… it’s just weird on the internet because you can’t be sure it got there happily… real life you can see body language… but this is about this house ep… has anyone ever done a whole house ep with vocal samples from house, the tv show? i don’t think it would be as fun as it sounds… it would get old quick… unless you got really creative… probably a lot of screaming and shouting in that show…

So the story goes i was making a china joke and i go “How many pedestrians does it take to paint a street?” and had some zinger to finish it off… In time lazer land, bob igor was showing off his mind control to some chinese nationals but the 4chan staff fed me some line about lead instead… apparently this caused a big fuss… they were fired after that and my handlers became authorities… hehehe… i can’t confirm the bob igor thing but there were several times it literally seemed like someone was typing shit into my brain and i kept having to tell them to knock it off… the funniest was when they tried me to go to the circle k… which is something i do all the time… should be easy peasy… but my “teammate” sneak was really good at piloting my body and playing tricks… so she had me leave my debit card out of my wallet… the hypnotist or whatever was trying to get me to go and all it took to break the spell was thinking “yeah where’s my debit card though?” they weren’t me and didn’t have an answer… see if they can get in your head they’ll pretend they’re you… ask who you’re talking to in your head…

the way I’m doing it is bpms 120, 124, 128, 134, and 144… each time it speeds up, I add 8 bars. this leaves me with a track with 4 “drops” and i am having a rather difficult time finding the flow with that one. it holds energy well but has no punch… because of that my options are to revert back to a standard two drops of 32bars or shuffle it into a subgenre i’m not familiar with… the plan was to have the builds and breaks stay tonic and do different chord progressions for the drops but i got lazy and repeated the bassline straight across… well the sub bass anyway… my goal is to make coherant pieces… most of my stuff is haphazard throwing together of sounds and so far this is no exception. However, we’re not even at 1% complete…

i was thinking on the way back from picking up this body, the drop in house is the familiar bit… so perhaps the builds are where the variation should be…

2025.2.10

This morning brought a call after only two hours of sleep so i doubt i’ll get my two listens in today… at that rate it would be 500 days of summer house jams… gave 120 bpm a listen and it is roooouuuuggghhhh times… gonna have to rearrange that one too… got real down on myself… said in the notes to scrap everything… ended up adding a synth with a terrible lfo and reworking the hats… the way the hats were before was really annoying… when i was a kid they told me show my work on my math homework and tests… now i’m more a liner notes artist than anything… wack… one of those kids who was always told he’d “change the world”… sure… with what money? inspiration is everywhere though because at some point it would be fun to take a break and remix “Hosanna” by Harry Belefonte… you can… if underbelly is still doing his roast sessions… post your attempts there… that will never get old… anywhere really… it’s like the rick roll of producing… if you do, record it so i can watch… this one time i was on 4chan and someone did a markaplier thread… i photoshopped his face on a penis because it was really funny. He had white stuff coming out of his mouth in a photo… i haven’t seen a single one of his videos… The youtuber dad was doing a livestream one night and i mentioned this… he read that on stream and got noticeably disappointed… two dad’s down… 3 if you count “the father”… boom… 3 wise asses… “dad” is way more athletic than me and has trained for probably years at this point… i keep running my mouth… LET’S TRY THIS! meet me in the pit… my step dad moshed with me once… good times… skit-tles is dreams…

as suspected, i slept all day… i don’t mind dying alone but waking up alone sucks ass… my fault… i do like people but am now realizing that between my dad and grammy… i don’t trust anyone who likes me… like if you like me that means you want something from me or my approval and no… this leads to enjoying someone until they start complimenting me and then… okay werido what do you want…? this leads to some pretty poor behavior but if you hate me and stick around… you actually like me… haven’t trusted anyone’s words since middle school… but mainly… there’s a sort of effect where i just don’t want to be observed… I had a roommate who stayed in his room all day doing cocaine… now i do the same with spliffs… he felt judged for his drug use and he was… i didn’t respond to my mom’s superbowl invite for the same reason… she is judging me… don’t get it twisted… So when i write this blog about making a house ep… I just want something normal to cling to… something i can work on and not be reminded of gods and the shithouse political climate we’re in… it’s not going to change the world… hell it might not even be good… it’s just something to do that doesn’t depress the hell out of me… it might be fun to smoke bones and make house as the world burns…

i seriously don’t understand what my life is… people seem to “get it” in a way i never did… i don’t support the current… or the past thing… or where the future is headed… i went to taco bell just now and they have those flirty sauce packetss which are great when you’re with someone and grab a handful to pass back and forth but damn do they fuck ya up when your facing down dieties… one said “always the plan” and if it is… it’s fucking stupid and i want no part in it… it was always the plan to get a bunch of “hosanna” remixes out there? even my plan of typing this while i make house is doomed to fail. this is already buried on the website and doesn’t need to be the length of moby dick… i don’t know what to fucking do… i wake up and i have people trying to drive me to suicide everyday and i’ve been there done that… i don’t want to infect anybody else but this has been a never ending nightmare for almost 9 months now… it’s not a pregnancy allegory… it’s not gonna stop… pardon my french but the faggots in charge suck ass and ever since they found out about me they decided to turn their “shit for brains” way up.

well i’ll be damned… doing some late night sampling after 2 hours of pirate radio on bluesky and “Hosanna” has it’s own riser built in… who would’ve guessed? the samples did not go where i thought they would

2025.2.11

Therapy day. We talked about toxic positivity and not slipping into abject negativity to avoid it. Here’s where I’m at… may have mentioned this before… I can’t live pretending like I’m okay with my life… but sometimes are cool… maybe a lot of people have that… i just get the feeling i’ll always be disgusted looking back…

120 is rough… i don’t understand how that’s the standard bpm… i have so much trouble bringing energy to that particular tempo… 124 on the other hand, has more tracks than plays which i’m somewhat proud of. I’m running into the same problem i normally do which is the sounds don’t really mesh the way i want them to. the rhythm is pretty catchy and punchy though. the happiest accident so far on this track is a simple wavetable pluck i put some bend notes on. turns out synthet was onto something. I have a lot of friends who are better producers than me… my roommate Trevor and i didn’t have another mixtape in us it seems… he’s in a band with a female kyle now… or kia… i dunno… Then there’s Midnight Wanderer who’s on an indefinite hiatus… that’s a bummer… Who could forget Triplash? I suppose i should also note my brother and i ran a podcast back in 2014 where we met a ton of edm people. Not really in contact with any of them though. you’d think in all that time i’d learn how to do the damn thing but full time jobs are a full time job… and i’m better at rapping so i try and get others to do the producing… works so far lol… you hear how good they are for their subscriber count… it’s rough out there… i had a broken record player in the old apartment my brother and i lived at in my early 20’s. One night we were tripping and put on calypso by Harry Belefonte… It was a blast speeding up and slowing down “Day-o”. I tried the same with “Hosanna” for 128 and it did not work… at all really… i have this banger intro… that honestly isn’t really that banger if i’m being honest… it’s like 3/4 banger but each fourth is the same so if i use that portion for the remaining bits… too repetitive… what i have now is… decent… it’s like one of those songs you find on soundcloud that makes you think “i see why you believed in this… but I’m not gonna spin it”

I showed Trevor the project and he said we could make it happen faster if i fleshed out the songs and gave him the stems. i explained the method behind the process. now he’s part of the story… 5 songs… 2 producers so far… He might move back to texas… who’s next?

I’m also realizing that i’m in the “want to stay a kid forever” phase of making this ep. You see… this is really about immortality… at what point will these songs stop growing in a meaningful way? what’s 100 years compared to 1000? each spin around the record, adding a notch or taking one away… sometimes radically different, but relatively the same… Here we are at roughly 11 plays a piece. Trevor is not impressed… i am not impressed… children are not impressive… songs are not children… but i’d say three out of 5 songs have some sort of direction in life… 120 is going to switch up their style to impress the other songs. 128 is just a hot mess but i love em to death… 124 is got the rizz as they to say(songs, what are you gonna do?) 134 is a social butterfly and 144 is simply a dear… poor 144… all their samples got cut short but I’m gonna make them a new batch just as soon as i care enough… i cared a little… i also scrapped most of 120 to make way for big room noises… i tried to lay out a melody and got as far as the rhythm in tonic… seeing as how that’s “fine” to the untrained ear… i no longer have any idea how these notes were arranged in my head… it’s twelve notes! i have how many words i can type at whim? To some extent these writings make sense… and yet i’m writing the musical equivalent of “bread could food, bread could food, bread were good, hungry hungry hungry.” Plus, as is the case with going into anything with little experience, the more dug in i get, the harder it is to make big changes… 120 got hella moody on play 12 and i like it but the drops are simply too long… cutting them in half seems overboard but that would make the most sense… don’t call solomon

Here i was thinking i could rest easy and start fresh tomorrow by sampling some Bongeziwe Manbandla to fix that intro in 128… I’m rolling a spliff, as it is my one day off a week and out of nowhere i start singing “99 red balloons.” Well the glowies spying on me and i have a laugh because they finally got one over on ol kyle and they were gonna see if i was gonna leave some links to this site on porn videos… which was fun for a while but then depressing… TOP OF THE FUCKING PAGE there’s a lady who i cannot believe is of age…(yes that link is the video… what is going on? gross… for the record, i didn’t watch it. it rolls through when you hover your mouse and if it was new i was gonna report it but from the related videos, there’s plenty more… here’s one more my speed) however most comments I’ve seen on a video so far which means it’s old and hopefully vetted… i don’t know if they have an in with the algorithm or if that’s just the state of affairs in the internet… no disrespect to short, flat, actresses but total boner killer in this case… like i said some people claim to fight that behavior to engage in it themselves and they are spying on me you better believe it… that’s part of making this house album… i am terrible at house… old people hate it… new kids don’t have the attention span for shitty producing… it’s the perfect fuck you to them… for over a year lol… Kill the President is a great Arrogant Sons of Bitches song…

2025.2.12

went to the dermatologist today and she took another biopsy. the numbing agent is wearing off as i type this. i don’t know why this is my life… wanting to die… but getting biopsies and surgeries to prevent such a thing… skin cancer just seems like such a silly way to go… i’ll wait till it’s throat, lung, or colon… i picked up a lady with throat cancer the other day… iv by the bed… looked brutal. Dermatology offices are weird… i’m worried about how the biopsy bills are piling up… some unpaid since 2022… meanwhile, there’s pamphlets for those who want to hold the wrinkles at bay for another couple of months… i assume they have to be in front of people all the time… that can’t be to fuck right? Tobacco has many drawbacks, but the way it ages a face is not one of them… the lines seem hard… dignified in a way… go into the smokers section in any airport and you’ll see it… something about it just dries people out i guess… inflating those water balloons seems silly… and yet… the very thing that would give me that look might kill me before i get it… guess the same can be said of any cosmetic surgery if one is allergic…

Work on the house ep is slow… 124 is at a point where i normally give up and go “yeah that’s basically a song”. I took some advice from a tutorial and added some faded sounds as drums came in… really helped warm up the feel… I also rearranged the drop a little for the aforementioned coherence. The sounds were contrasting a little too much for my liking and i was going to make a few more samples for accents. Instead i shuffled the sound i wasn’t fond of to the contrasting section and while it still needs work, the piece as a whole feels balanced in a way it didn’t this morning. Part of me is proud of how “good” the additions sound and wants to publish a before and after but the whole point of this project is NOT clogging up the internet with a bunch of stuff i thought others should waste time on. text is cheap, space and thought wise. Plus, neither version is very good. I may be ahead of the curve when it comes to comedy but i’m stumbling upon the same stuff any fresh faced producer would find given 6 months of ableton… at the end of the day there are only so many tricks but the best of the best have them dialed in… I’m happy if my automation envelope doesn’t make everything suddenly sound off so i copy paste it wherever I can… and then youtube recommends this… firefox recommended this… what did i fucking say about our culture? 128 had a happy accident and the song structure completely fell into place… Also, I switched out my “super sweet totally awesome i swear” lead for the drop with a Level8 preset… 134 has kind of fallen by the wayside. because i haven’t laid down the vocals, i keep trying to over compensate with other instruments. However, they’re talking me further from the vibe I have in mind… It’s strange how there is a level of exercise to this process. starting out always feels tough because i lack the confidence… then I’ll get into the groove and get a little over confident… met with my limitations… i get burnt out… in between sessions, i think about how to make things more manageable on myself and see gains… I’m at the threshold where i normally plateau and yet, the climb has just begun… just over 1%… another interesting bit is the songs have started to splinter off… i come across certain forks in the road where i can’t decide which element to accent so I’ll save a copy and go with my gut… perhaps I’ll come back to those skeletons and they will bare little resemblance to the finished products… they’ll become almost entirely distinct but with a shared heritage.

yes there is still metaphysical bullshit to sort through… when the scientist dumped me it was because i didn’t work hard enough and ended up working 6 days a week soon after… While cussing out my ex’s dipshit rescue boyfriend i mentioned how it was bullshit that everyone worked 7 days a week… well that’s the creator economy for ya… also the security guard at the hospital i picked up at was a petite latin woman as if some higher power were to go “see they do exist, pal! Quit overreacting.” It’s silly to address such notions but i will. From time to time i will be placed in a dilemma where i use the same tactics that i call out in others. I don’t know why it sends me into shame spirals but it does… the way i look at it is this… I chain smoke… If i saw someone i knew to not smoke casually have a cigarette at a party and i yelled out “see you’re just as bad as me” that would be a total asshole move… At the scale of a company, government, or god… it’s hard to claim hypocrisy on one guy… the responsibility simply isn’t the same… imagine facebook chastising me for lowering a girl’s self esteem… that’s actually why i reject authority for myself… i fuck up constantly… always grounded as a kid… never been good enough for anyone… kinda stopped trying… the one’s who believe want too much… furthermore… One does not have to move heaven and earth to opportunistically cherry pick those situations… other calls came in today… 5 minutes makes a lot of difference… but now this is getting written instead of whatever silly connection i would’ve made otherwise… a note about relaxing… the witch i used to live with told me that one must relax to take in information… she was talking metaphysically but it’s true in a lot of instances… if one is thinking of something to say, one is not listening… That lady also used to give me acid as if we were gonna hang out and then leave me all alone in a room of her artwork… my point is some sources of information aren’t worth dealing with and you probably shouldn’t relax around them… I have been unable to relax for months because i can never be sure which habits are being monitored and by who… (Speaking of the who… Kill the president is a great arrogant sons of bitches song…) hence why my heckles are up about any suspicious activity fed to me by the algorithm… and to think… these are the people i used to report this stuff to… what clowns… so i can’t relax… ever again… it’s the same with alcohol… i got alcohol poisoning in spain and now whenever someone wants to drink with me, i get very suspicious… that and my mom trying to soften the blow when i was fat as a kid… i lost the weight and off handedly said “but you said i was never that big right?” to which she replied “oh no you were, i just didn’t want to hurt your feelings”… So being told to relax is out, compliments are out, drinking with people is out… Again i’m in therapy but this is not good people… how many others have suffered as I have and simply fallen into madness, addiction, and death? They could’ve made mad addictive house! i suppose meditation is cool too

2025.2.13

uggghhhhhh….. it’s too cold… i don’t want to do anything… I’m just doing this to make fun of paperwork… and immortality… and spies… they say treat music like a job so… endless documentation… it’s 9 in the morning… 10 degrees farhenheit… the world is in chaos… if i want this back tattoo… the clearest way to make the money is to pick up this dead person across town… then we’ll see if i can push those songs into their teen plays… i don’t understand people who had kids during the pandemic… did you think it was going to get better? Plus with mass media, they ain’t yours completely… might be mine someday if you ain’t wise… they’ll be making house just like ol man holy ghost k-wullums… My parents told me to do or not to do stuff… but the internet said “nah hang with us”…. i did… 32… no property… no savings… ableton… and for as much as this project is about all the aforementioned things, this is also about skill sets. A piece of music is an interesting phrase because there is so much to it. In 1000 plays, i am not going to be a concert pianist. I haven’t plugged in a keyboard at all this project just to see if i could… i can’t… or didn’t… i used the midi key option to tap something out on my laptop… So whatever I produce will be a piece of a much larger whole called music… That piece will be a bunch of different pieces and today it’s impacts… I saw a short with Skrillex talking about drums and remembered none of my songs have any impacts yet so i could make like 20 today and see if any are any good… might take away from the daily plays but if it works, that’s a quick way to beef them all up…

Admittedly, I am more interested in talking about the process than doing it today. While listening to “Rapid Fire” i was reminded of the various ways things come about. I am no expert in ai but from what i understand, music is an odd intersection of text and image generation. Text generation is just going for the median word that comes after the words it has already typed. Image generation starts with static and “works backwards” till the static makes sense. So then music, it would seem, collapses a wave of white noise into sound based on what proceeds it… freaking bizarre… This is opposed to either way my recent projects have come about. I started this with five, three minute tracks of “boots and cats”, a far cry from white noise. For the video project I simply said to myself “1000 words a video… two videos a day… rest is up to you”. Knowing that it’d take some time to find my footing, I split the thing up into “seasons” because the first season is always finding the footing… Would ai have that kind of foresight? or would i have to incorporate that into my prompt. Furthermore, given these two or three types of creation, how will these interact on group projects? “Rapid Fire” is a song made by at least four producers. As a fan of most of them… Impressive as always… As a critical thinker, this track seems like one of my free beats, just at their skill level… There a distinct lack of flourish and care put into the layering, most notably in the vocals. The first drop doesn’t really go anywhere… it’s like a square wave… intro off… drop on… Drop two makes ya go “yeah i do like Excision”… The whole thing suggests 4 or 5 incredibly talented people had a fun afternoon and it fell somewhere above what the weakest one could do on their own… hell… if i was dicking around with X, Wooli, and Ganja, i’d release 4 minutes of us farting after bean burritos… but you compare “Rapid Fire” to “Bass Cannon” and while things have gotten cleaner sound design wise, doesn’t it leave you with the same feeling of new vs old jurrasic park? It just speaks to how painstaking edm production is… 4 talented musicians can come together and rehearse all day but typically people produce on one computer or send files back and forth. Similarly, those 4 musicians can riff for 20 minutes and sing some “i la la love you’s” and there’s a good demo left behind… getting back in the room and dialing everything in is what’s going to stop a studio version from appearing… A couple of beers and a track session leaves you with something a person like me would slot into their set, however, that track could’ve been sent back and forth for YEARS if that crew wanted to… it might ruin a friendship or two… it has happened to many bands… Is any of this going to come into play with ai? has it already?

i tried to do too much at once with 120. Cut the drop in half, built a riser, and beefed up the bass. This leaves a bunch of empty space during the new gaps. By the time i got to making impacts, i just layered two 909 snares like the Skrillex said and it sounds pretty fucking mid… but slightly more mid compared to the trash it was… either way, goth baby is fun so far… great way to kick things off and given it ends with a track in 144, i can end on something that anticipates the growl at the beginning of 120… I can’t tell you how baffled i am at how many times i can listen to the same 5 Remi Wolf songs… That team is working some magic for sure… 124 is changing up it’s style to distance itself from 120. 120 is dark and broody. 124 is more sensitive but still had gurgly edgelord drops… I listened to it in full without changing anything, planning on just doing some housekeeping. Instead, halfway through that, i found myself making a hypersaw lead that honestly has too many oscillators. Vital has a table spread option in it’s unison so you can assign the additional oscillators to various wavetable positions… I cranked em all up over a basic shapes patch so now i have infinity saws from square to triangle… it sounds like bees 4 blocks away… 128 is shaping up to be more tropical, what with the “Hosanna” sample… All these songs started out as 3 minutes of boots and cats, then that plus gargles… Now 120 is in theater back of house… 124 is thinking about team sports… 128 doesn’t know how to surf but sure has a lot of posters and a dynamite vocal chop… That vocal chop is the kind of thing that kills me about making music… just drums, bass, and that chop… i could listen for 20 minutes… but the listener wants a whole ass song and i get the feeling that anything i add to or around it is going to make the thing seem less pleasant… That’s kinda my thing… I make things… seem less pleasant… somehow… you too by association… I am tapped out… somebody died but they were very light so my partner(coworker, we show up in pairs) decided to go at it alone… now i’m antsy because i know i’m next but music is confusing and i still only made that one impact… at least that gives me some direction for the next track. I also have to record vocals and can’t seem to find my sd card for my zoom recorder… my condenser broke and there’s a ton of reverb in this shed… doing this housekeeping has got me thinking about the song “Painting Rainbows” by who else but The Skrillex… A lyric like that has multiple meanings but look at ableton… top to bottom on my projects is most rythmic to least… so percussion is red and for whatever reason there are voices in my head going “why are the kicks red though?” and i can’t tell if that’s anything or I’m just preparing for judgement… i don’t know why i’d have to justify that but someone out there cares and i can’t tell if i just conjured it into existence. If anything i made a camp who will claim to care as if i used the wrong “they’re” in an essay… and a third camp going “well if that’s what you expect from us then yes… why are the kicks red?”… I don’t have synesthesia… Some people hear notes… so those notes could have color… even my relative pitch is pretty wack… I would think that lower sounds correspond to lower frequencies of light… so kicks would be purple… hats would be red… snares would be yellow or green… That would be a mess…. However… some producers might like to cycle through… a rainbow for drums… a rainbow for synth… a rainbow for samples… a rainbow for transitional elements… who knows? what is this? Hermeticism and the art of house producing? oh good… now I’m crying… So many people say it… probably because it’s true… It does suck to suck… see I’m doing this in preparation to go back to school… learning, essays, hours of trying to understand what i’m looking at on a screen… sharing basic knowledge that i recently discovered and find fascinating… all the hits…

i did some housekeeping on 134 and then did some physical housekeeping while trying to find my sd card. No luck, so vocals will have to wait. I didn’t make any edits to the song as listening to it left me in awe of how much pot I’ve smoked since 2011… I’m breaking that one into two songs. The drop is insane in a “nobody would make this” kind of way and it does not match the vibe i’m going for at all. might be fun to bring the tempo down on what i have though… I was bored of housekeeping so you know what i did? I added an impact to 144… it’s trash… the song is at a place i like to call “fuck you for expecting better” but songs like that don’t sell records at this level of talent… Others can shit out wackiness and have it sound good… i don’t know my way around the knobs like they do… people make sample packs for this kind of thing. there’s also splice… I’m paying to much to keep my merch up as it is… so… sub to the patreon to keep this going… if i get enough subs to pay the bills, you won’t hear about dead people any more… for a while… there is some exclusive content but not as much as some would like…

Turns out a couple of dank songs were released today. no notes…

2025.2.14

Valentine’s day. Had an early morning call and now I have the option of meeting up with my mom and brother for breakfast but I’ll probably go back to bed. i don’t understand why we made all these lights… if i were the march of progress, I’d figure out how to do more with the light that’s available and sleep more… although… I do hate the sun so maybe the lights were a way to deal with the sun less… I’m here for it… but they blot out the stars and those are like the best part of night… you might think i’d have something to say about love as i am lonely and bitter about it, but mainly i’m just gonna focus on not being so bitter about it… you deal with your own issues… meanwhile… i only slept 3-4 hours last night and have been out all day. it’s almost 19:00 as i write this. I went back to the el paso county coroner today and no weird feelings like what happened the preceding summer. I’ve gone back through almost all the triggers. Working at a job that reminds me of my ex, trolling 4chan, taking mushrooms, and now even el paso… I have a tattoo appointment in march to see if that does anything… the skin cancer might be back and even that isn’t tripping my head up very much. I am forever changed though… I constantly talk to any microphone that might be connected to the internet… i talk to people in my head out loud… i am that stereotype… although, the convulsions are basically gone… every now and then i’ll say a zinger to the camera and my whole body will droop like “why does he have to say such mean things?” That or i’ll get the impulse to slam my fist as if i had enraged dr. claw… aside from that, not much body invading… The last trigger would be cutting off my dad but i can’t do that again… his number is blocked and i removed him as a friend on facebook. His sister called me the other day and offered to add context to the family history… classic dad… getting the women in his life to appeal to me… My aunt and i have been pretty tight since my grammy passed though so i’m not reading too much into it. Speaking of my grammy, she always asked my brother and i to be her valentine… now i’m questioning if it was a sweet thing for a grandmother to do or if she kept herself lonely to do stuff like that… weird… More so than anything it was about not giving up control… Many have been burnt by love… She was left for another woman after the death of her third child and a hysterectomy(rude naming by the way)… i was left for another man after an abortion and a vasectomy… My grammy’s lifestyle of whiling away the hours on poetry and screens is crap… This has been the shittiest year on record… meanwhile, my brother got left for a coke dealer and brought a woman to breakfast that exhibits a lot of the behaviors his ex did… I have been jealous of him many times… he was always more popular with the ladies… I can’t do that… My aunt is on her 4th marriage…

When one suddenly gets dumped, especially if one was wronged, there is a fork in the road. Can you ever be part of that kind of team again? My mom has been happily married for over a decade and still has her own things in order in case things don’t work out… I recently dropped a friend (does that count?) for poor taste in company but he went through a similar thing and decided to hang himself by a celibate rope to quote young mc… My grammy had an on again off again thing with a guy she started dating at roughly 38 by my estimate… he was just crackin 20… between her kids’ ages… I think I’ve brought this up… Her reasoning was that she wanted total autonomy over her house, finances, and time. Why let a man come in and spoil it? I look at fame the same way… Each stage of the game brings more people to please and while theoretically they just want you to do your thing, even with crocheting random stuff at a loss, i get people throwing in ideas for projects way beyond my scope or interest. Plus, I have like 5 or 6 really good friends in this life and only 2 of them seem to get along at any given point or time… My brother counts and everyone loves him so he can make that 3… I kinda dropped the ball with all of them last summer and they were all very sweet about it… However, trying to thread the possibilities of life path they want is a chore and a half, especially considering when i really look back at everything… all the things in life… what i love most is smoking weed and giving head… not at the same time but back and forth all day(or in circles if that’s more your style)… I’ve done all the other stuff and i wouldn’t to get the opportunity to give head… That being said… you gotta do something between meals so i do… Right now it’s making house, i guess… but we are doing numbers today… to make a comfortable wage at this job, 6 calls a day at roughly 2 hours a piece is the sweet spot. 4 so far… averaging 1-2…

Coming back, the off ramp by my house usually has a person panhandling all night. i was looking at them as i approached the light and saw a flash of white. I looked over to see a woman in what appeared to be a white skirt pop out of nowhere in front of me like the pilot episode of supernatural or something… luckily she wasn’t in the road… i just didn’t see her… that happens with me sometimes and i tell people i can teleport… all i had was a 5 so i gave her that… spooky… i could play the songs through but i am le tired… duo lingo is sad i gave up on korean… uhhhhh…. 120 i added to the impact layer and it did practically nothing because it turns out part of the reason the top loop i chose is so good it has an impact in it. 124 i just added utilities to all the tracks. i think i have a fun vocal for the build in mind. 128 i tried to midi out the vocal chop for more consistency with the rhythm in the drop. The file i’m left with leaves a lot to be desired but i counted that as a change. that one is pleasant. Doesn’t go anywhere though. 134 and 144 i did some housekeeping on. 144 i remade the impact track and somehow it’s worse… consistent but boring and distracting… not how you want impacts to be…

2025.2.15

When i was 14, i lost the closest thing i had to a step mom… smoke meth at work… shame on you… get arrested a year later for meth again… she was out… eventually she popped back up and we’ve gone to some concerts together. That really sucked though… this is the most bullshit part of making this house album… why did i treat plays like “years old”? luckily, in two weeks or so the songs will have “outgrown” me and i can be paranoid the rest of my life the same way i am with any life situation ever… I was dating two girls for about two weeks and at first, i asked them if we could be one big happy throuple… no… they didn’t want to see or hear from each other. I loved them both but in different ways… One was a poet and grew up with similar traumas. The other was an art historian of sorts… We’d have long conversations about creators than inspired us and visited museums wherever we went. People kept telling me i had to choose and i couldn’t so i waited till one gave me the ultimatum and went with the other one… Elswhere, my friend from maine dated two guys for months and ended up marrying a third. She’s a mom now… When i started seeing my ex, i thought i knew how to play it… Alaska happened and now i’m thinking she took my friend’s route… maybe, maybe not… useless to think about… I am though so i get the impression when i’m 53, i’ll be thinking to myself that it was the “year” i learned a new mixing trick that really helped layer the sounds in a way i did not see coming and spend the whole year reading self help books… humans… what are ya gonna do?

I have to lower the master a whole bunch because my speakers are too loud. My mom is 60 this year and just found out she needs hearing aids so i have less than 30 years of good hearing, if that… What’s crazy is cars, fans, and various other hums will wear out your ears faster than anything else… most of what ears do is filter stuff like that out so that’s the equivalent of holding a sack rice all day as opposed to listening to a loud song and bringing in the groceries… of course, too much too soon is always gonna break ya but the constant effort we but in to just get back to some silence is ridiculous… if you ever do, you’re ears are ringing like crazy from having the car windows open or something… I wonder if people by rapid rivers go deaf faster than those my something like the mississippi… This is to say i spent that time yesterday adding utilities and i want them all to start at -6db for mixing purposes but instead of making a preset and dropping that everywhere, i dropped the initial in and have to do it all over again… i do have the preset now though… It’s incredible to me that a producers DAW becomes it’s own instrument. I used to have a copy of tony hawk’s pro skater on n64 but no memory cartridge. To play with others, i’d just beat the game in 15 minutes. Up until now, I’ve produced music the same way. Come in totally blank and make whatever in an hour or two. Send it off to be finished somewhere else. Obviously, I’m not proficient enough to get many people to finish my musings… They have stuff they’re working on… apparently… oh what? everyone has “ideas” now? Contrast this to my buddy Triplash who went to school for this stuff and has been making what i think of as bangers for years. He’s coming out with the best stuff of his career in less time than ever because he can open up his machine and all he has to do is plop in sounds and get the level adjusted. In 4 hours he can make something equivalent to what I’m probably going to end up spending years on… but perhaps after this, i’ll be where he was years ago… or… for once my “hey people let’s have fun together” plan will work and i’ll fast track the process by hanging out with everyone famous… influencer’s influencer… nothing but attitude and lifestyle… straight rizz surrounded by cha-ma… other producers don’t have to contribute to my thing… i can drop bars all day… just let them hear it and see if they have thoughts… back to the drawing board… repeat… they can’t bring any recording devices or plug anything in to my lap top though while we work on the house ep… new music is fair game… they have more lawyers than i do… I have relative knowledge of who has access to my phone… namely, intelligence agencies… What I don’t have an understanding of is what I’m doing or working with… I have made things… Here i am once again cracking open the ableton manual and going “how the fuck does anyone on earth read, let alone understand all of this?”… Yet some do… Some people get famous off of dropping in presets and calling it good because they just have the “knack” i guess… no disrespect there. It’s more competency than i have in this realm… Others understand this entirely and completely and make stuff that bores me to indifference… I don’t understand that either… This is a pretty cool halfway… the word intelligent is a little up its own ass though… “fluffy cowboy” is intelligent too… there’s a lot going on there… I interviewed Flux Pavilion on time and I had seen him at red rocks so i was asking questions like “so you party up?” He had just broken his ankle in a golf cart incident or something and he was really cool about stuff but he kept returning to “nah dude, i pretty much just put it all back into the music… big parties are cool but i like places where you can see my hands on the decks and really get a vibe going”… That was 11 years ago and Flux just put out my favorite track since Blanke’s “deranged”. If you have time, compare how much cleaner “fluffy cowboy” is. There’s constant debate in the edm scene about where the noise shelf should be. some low level white noise helps drown out unwanted elements in samples and adds crunch to the track. I find it to be a little distracting in some mixes and is a huge problem with ai edm. You know what they say… those who can’t do, compare critically… Gets rick rubins paid i guess… shiiiiiiii is tiesto still performing? I heard he had ghost producers back in the day but could just be a rumor.

I have my keyboard plugged in finally. Gear is an element of music we all know and love. Settle down brits. I bought this keyboard off facebook marketplace thinking it was a steal of a deal, not knowing native instruments makes you pay for $200-$400 dollars in software just to use it as a midi controller… Once one does, it’s fantastic. The Komplete Kontrol s49 boasts 49 responsive unweighted keys and 8 knobs, plus touch screen pitch and mod wheels and all the movement buttons one would expect to completely control your sound. That only gets you so far in synthesia… So as a lifelong akai user, I bought an mpc key 61 when it came out… only to find out it was too big for my space and awful as a controller. By the time i was planning on selling it the price had been halved. I paid over 2000 dollars for that and in a moment of desperation, pawned it for 300 to keep smoking and driving while i reverse spied through telepathy… or had a schizophrenic adjacent manic episode… either way what a fucking dismal tale… The keyboard itself is fine… the software is the issue. I don’t understand why i can’t use a keyboard for anything AND have the software. If you aren’t using the MPC software with that thing, the whole screen glares red… you can still work in your DAW with it but i had to cover the screen. and move my arm over my bed if i wanted to go lower than c2.

in other news it is 13:00 and i am feeling an intense euphoria all throughout my body but nothing about my mental state has changed… no change in smoking habits… two minutes later starting to fade but woah… I need to keep up with pirate radio though… that’s how i promote this. How does a man making no income off of this find the drive to juggle so many plates? Well… i love the people my enemies harm… so… it’s for them? or… uhhh… being alone with my thoughts feels very much like not being alone with others thoughts… so best to turn those thoughts into “not words”. The bullshit is again i leak all over the time… when i was a kid and couldn’t sleep, i’d be hearing all these voices arguing so i’d try and turn them into a band and have them play music but it’d just start repeating phrases and turn into garbled nonsense… kinda sounded like producing dubstep but that wouldn’t be a thing in the USA till 2008. i miss mashups…

18:30 had another call and ate dinner… 42 years of marriage… enjoy it while you can folks… the daughter made some offhand comment about getting to dating and looked to be not much younger than me but shit… a lady from one of the nice parts of town? As she’s losing her dad? Nah, been around the block to know that I’m one the nice girls go through to get to better… At least some of them don’t end up suicidal… the last one was somewhat honest about it… On the way back i bought an SD card so i should be able to start laying down some vocals… the recorder can do stereo and it might be neat to do some analogue panning but why do that when you could change the pan with automation especially if it needs to be layered? I’m not one of these vocalists who can lay down harmonies… got the vocal demo’d for 124 and started working on the midi of the vocal chop on 128 but i have to go give a troop one of their final supports. The flag we have is rather cheap. I have a better one but it needs to be burned on account of the hole it has in it from flying into a signpost off the freeway. I had forgotten the bag of supplies on top of the van while picking up two people from a hospital back in 2021. A couple days ago, a family gave me their stepdad’s flag while picking up their mom. It’s on my bookshelf in front of the one that’s got a hole in it. Nice family. Their mom had great taste in decoration. Everyone grieves differently. We always ask if anyone needs more time after we get the deceased on the gurney. The son said no. The daughter said yes. The son walked with me all the way to the van. Even got in the elevator. I never know what to say.

22:00 Speaking of saying things, Have i mentioned how ugly elon musk’s mom is? I’ve been making those jokes because she is and he pays people to spy on me. I told the spy networks from the beginning that the only thing i have remotely close to jailbait these days might have been some pics of my ex from her college days. That’s why she keeps getting brought up. I’ve said way more than needs to be said about her and there really is nothing more to say. So every time she gets brought up in the psychic channels i start talking about elon’s mom and how disgustingly putrid she looks. Problem is I’m always trying to one up myself. She got hired to test mirrors for durability, she needed hair plugs because the wigs kept jumping off(she didn’t shoot the dalmatians first), a new species of mole evolved from the local badgers in her neighborhood, they replaced the starting pistol for the ididerod with pulling a bag off her head, the men in south africa pooled a dowry to have his dad take her off the dating pool, etc… however, for the first time ever, and probably the only time… elon was funnier than me… He crafted the ultimate joke simply by choosing to go to mars… because elon musk’s mom is soooooooooo ugly… the moon is not far away enough for her own son… he found out they might invent immortality and decide to get the fuck off the planet as soon as possible… all the money in the world cannot erase that joke… I still have to do payroll and i’m still missing about 6 hours of sleep that i won’t get tonight at this call volume. Progress on the house ep will have to wait till tomorrow… first week to break $1000 pre tax… that’s like playing one whole wedding…

Decided to take another look at 128 and it’s becoming sort of a music theory puzzle… 3 notes are too close together… G#,A… B… which would suggest i need to find a way to keep this melody centered around G# in… some basic form of A… G# locrian is out… I’m basing this off a vocal chop and i’m not gonna go in and autotune those B’s and D’s up a semitone… Furthermore this is tropical house… if there way ever a time to use a major key it’d be now… But it kind of makes sense as to why it’s so captivating… 7-1’s all over the place…

2025.2.16

i slept… ran pirate radio this morning… got two calls… now it is 20:00 and i want to go back to bed but i have not touched ableton… The spies on my phone keep getting reverse stockholm syndrome… They think because i joke around with them, i like any of them… there’s like 2 or 3 people that have stood up for me specifically… everyone else is just adjusting to this “Everyone for themselves. No gods, no masters” kind of life… if a security gaurd is smarter than the person they are protecting… as is the case with anyone erik prince employed… fuck him… why listen? just take their money and keep them smiling at the cameras with a gun to their back…

watched a couple of youtube videos… time is running out today… There’s no reason to put this pressure on myself… I was already locked in a room and kanye west came up. I remembered the “lock yourself in room doing five beats a day for three summers” line. I think he meant “finish 5 beats” in a day… I’m just listening to my house tracks… not really trying to do his numbers though… maybe at one point i was but as a white rapper, the game is very different for me… All i have to prove is i like words and i think the people who use them well are somewhat admirable… When i was around 6 or 7, i was camping with my mom and saw a kid on a gravel hill across the river sliding into the water… i went to go help them and suddenly all these adults were yelling from a bridge to keep moving… my memory jumps from that to being in a camper with an older girl… maybe a teenager… i’m laying with my head in her lap wondering what just happened and she goes this is eminem… My parents were getting divorced at the time. The elementary school had a “divorce counseling” program so they’d pull around 10 of us out of class and we’d watch movies about divorce. As a treat for… continuing to exist… we got m&m’s. little kyle is laying in this girls lap thinking “why are there always m&m’s being handed to me?” My grammy had a knitted duck that would poop out m&m’s when one squeezed it. We all got a big kick out of that one. The older girl laughs and puts headphones on my 6 yr old ears and suddenly i’m hearing “HI MY NAME IS WHAT? MY NAME IS WHO? MY NAME IS chicka chicka slim shady.” Life simply went on… In middle school poetry became a hobby of mine and my neighbor introduced me to of all things, slim’s rivals, the insane clown posse. My mom was not happy about that. Then i found out about mcchris. At that point, eminem had resurfaced in my life and i knew popular rap songs but kept my tastes remained in the nerd rap scene. Everything changed in high school when i found golden era. “Mr. Trails. Young ladies jump in the sack. I never kiss and tell, instead i fuck and then brag.” Well i needed more of that. By 11th grade i was writing myself and that’s when my friends showed me Blackalicious and Wu-Tang Clan. After that i bought or downloaded any and all hip hop I could get into my ears… there is a lot at play in some of those lyrics. However, in the words of Dr. Dre “it ain’t hard, in fact it’s kind of simple, to think of something that’s creative or original. You either talk about the place to be, who you are, what you got, or bout a sucka MC.” While working at edelweiss, my coworker john and i bonded over a love or hip hop. the more we talked, the more it became clear my tastes were still really white… John introduced my to isaiah rashad, vince staples, and Kembe x to name a few. He became my rick rubins as he called it when i made a mixtape out there… somehow i lost all those files… john was white too. So when it comes to kanye’s numbers and work ethic verses mine in the realm of hip hop, what would i gain in trying to jake paul him lyrically or musically? I care about the people that hip hop represents and i sure as hell wouldn’t want to show up and tell a pioneer of the genre how to spend his time and money… I’m content to let the motivation be what it is… “lock yourself in a room doing five beats a day for three summers”… he was 6 years younger than me when he released that… Then went on to make 3-4 of the best albums of all time… after dark twisted… meh… kinda went an elton john route… gonna have a wicked greatest hits but some of those deeps cuts are… ooof… I’m typing this instead of following his advice… It’s more fun because I can’t mess it up… Their music is done… Speaking of being done… J-Live is my favorite rapper of all time and JID is probably the best right now… Obviously it’s Mr. Morale’s time to shine (turn the tv off like you watched the superbowl for him… awesome…) but damn… Spilligion feels like what chance the rapper was working toward before big day happened and then you go back to the solo stuff and sheesh… all of which is to say please play “Shame on a n****” at my funeral… Furthermore, mad props to women like Doechii, Glorilla, FLO, and B for Better, out there running the game right now… that’s a problem with producing edm… little homogeneous… but i suppose it comes down to why you do what you do… is it to share interests with others or is because you need attention? I am trolling mass surveillance networks… “Kill the President” is a great Arrogant Sons of Bitches song…

I finally recorded vocals for 134 but i need to figure out warping for pitch modulation and layering… could be more rehearsed if i’m being honest but i can always record a better version and drop it in the effects chain. 144 got some chords added to it which completely changed the feel but in a way that accents what i want to bring out of the melody and samples so far. The impact was really clashing with the drop and i couldn’t figure out how to make it work. After, taking out that sample, the drop got some energy back to it. Good thing I have over 980 plays to go. lotta swings and misses along the way, probably…

2025.2.17

The glowies or some shit want me to talk about my wack ass parables. One goes there’s a bully on the beach kicking everyone’s sand castles… one can comfort those affected, rally all the kids to take the bully down, or do what i would do and grab a rock covered in sea urchins and hide it in my sandcastle. Then i’d call the bully a shithead for kicking castles… another one goes scales of justice suck… Salt can weigh as much as sugar and both can weigh as much as sand. What you want is the teeter totter of wine pressing… Imagine a teeter totter that has grape squishers on the bottom… Think of weight as power… it would be foolish to take all the power and call the other person to your side… teeter totter ain’t moving… it would foolish to give up all your power and crawl to the other side… however, if both people give up a little at the right time, those two have fun, everyone else gets wine… this is what’s known as the division of labor… the question is… if we’re so good at it… why don’t we feel good about it? Could be some are trying to hang a painting while others are going for perpetual motion…

20:13 I just got done doing pirate radio for like 9 hours… might not produce today… there were protests going on… i figured turn em into a block party. I even went to the 7-11 and held my phone playing the music to get a taste of the experience… doubtful any of the music made it to the protests but there’s a lot of posts from a day ago on my feed so tomorrow will be fun for people… may put producing on hold… my head is splitting…

i worked a bit on 120… fell down a little side quest… i want the effect of a resonator wiping across a tone without the tone… it’s proving to be difficult… i tried adjusting the phase on a sine wave and that didn’t do it. that was the classic trick for getting vocals… use an instrumental inverted… it’s not working here… but i made something that sounds like someone more confident than me might put in a song!

2025.2.18 14:40

Another therapy day. We talked about getting overwhelmed and burning out. I told her about this house ep and how it turned into rotating that silly shape. The thing is, since doing pirate radio and producing this house ep, I’ve become comfortable doing chores again… there’s got to be some in between of taking care of the things that matter and making everything matter… For instance… i ought to wash my hoodie and take out the trash but i ate too much chicken and i’m gonna eat more and veg out… due to the fact that the underscores are closer to their line than the one below, i do have to type all 8 frames of the rotation out… fml… either way it’s not gonna look good because there will always be some jitter in the placement… but fun gif…

I made a little music boo boo in 124… I made this chord and melody motif that sounded really good… You know why it sounded good? because it’s ii-ii-v-I… it’s in a key i like to call G lazy because i dropped the 7th on accident making the 5 minor and i’m sure that’s a mode but the “lazy” is just because G major has on sharp and i just forgo that… Oddly enough, now i have to NOT be lazy filling in the rest of this song… The bees lead is straight killing it to the point when i don’t know what to balence it out with… I really admire artists like Knock2 and JOYRYDE who stutter up their drops. tpyically something like a-b-a-b-c-c-c-dx2… or something… right now i have a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a with some fun sounds hitting in the background. that shit bangs though… it’s like the song a high schooler shows his friends that make them go “yeah dude! you should keep working on that! it’s coming along well.” I made an arpeggio for it today… looped it’s fine but it really adds to the shift between drop and verse… there isn’t the typical build… it’s kind of inspired by an avalanches song… i deleted everything that wasn’t working in 128 which was everything but the drums and the samples… There was a track labelled noise and i thought “hey one of my white noise washes was good, let’s add that,” but it was an audio track… I guess i was going to do the classic “reverse crash, crash” method but this is tropical house… this isn’t a drum wash, it’s a wave wash. Also one of the samples has a guitar chord in it and i tried to drown it out with an off beat organ… Problem is i carried a note over into every chord and it sounded super flat. You’d think that wouldn’t be an issue with just a I and V but i had to get jazzy and make the I a 7th chord… ugh… decided to dick around on the keyboard in B lazy… It’s funny because we all know that resolves to C but nope! B lazy, sucka… No A lazy… can’t let drake catch ya slippin… apparently locrian is big these days… especially in E? That could be Eazy E… so the lazy keys are A Minor, B Lazy, C Major, D Lazy, Eazy E, F Lazy, G Lazy. Knowing this will make one worse at music theory… I junked pretty much everything in 134 as well… here’s what got shelved…

the thing is, much like anyone can burn down a house, anyone can delete tracks. a happy accident is a great start to a song but there is a ton at play here. Heck. any producer worth their salt is basically a composer and player while making the instruments in their orchestra… it’s sonic alchemy at it’s peak. similar to how marvel movies get compacted down into k-pop videos, all the explosions and tension in a film score for any thriller gets whittled down into two drops.

i added noise to 144…

had an idea about delay and found a new noise i want. The effect of sweeping one side of a delay over the other. i tried the audacity removal trick and it completely silenced the track using the carbon copy, however i got a lot of the original synth in the mix when i tried to use an inverted steady delay…

2025.2.19

too fucking cold in this shed…

What the fuck am i doing here? I have to keep telling myself that one only see’s obstacles on the path they’re on… This is the first time I’ve tried to make “professional grade” house and I don’t know why i think gifs instead makes the house album happen… my goal before this was to love my ex for as long as possible and life literally ratcheted up the difficulty to god mode… like I meant because she was cool… not because i like challenges… fuck challenges… her kicking me off and running down the hall was a challenge enough… her idea… not mine, lol… and i’ll be honest… all that time apart made things NO BETTER… NOTHING I HAVE GONE THROUGH HAS MADE ME BETTER OR MORE COMFORTABLE… what’s even the point? Even if something good comes of this it’s tragic that it came to this and i cannot, will not, forgive this world. You know what gets me through? Memories of my head in her lap, memories of the fun in germany, the memory of the bath… That stuff gets me thinking even if this isn’t worth it, that could be over the horizon if i play my cards right… otherwise being beset by self sabotage and… supernatural sabotage? and just good ol fashioned people reacting to me… ugh… have ya tried not? Remember when this happened? and I kicked that mother fuckers ass so what?! apparently what is youtube recommending me videos about ozempic to have me fret about my ex because there’s a hint of me caring about her… her mom is such a pest about body image… my whole deal is her not suffering at my expense so… typing this is me being used to seem crazy or something? psshh… crazy i’m not making better house. I just think it’s funny because Ezekiel does this too… it’s a bunch of murder and shit and then a long boring drawn out bit about a house… and Triplash’s name is Kubitz lol… let me show you how the game is played… i’m slowing down in the house ep. In 2017 i said “and you could have been the best but then you froze, betcha gonna blame it on that snow.” now it is freezing and i don’t want to dive into production when a call could come at any time… and apparently whatever i’m facing is stupid because i did take “them” home… That was the concert i was sad i missed while in germany… and what i went to see before alaska… I’m on some OTHER SHIT YO… it’s called house music… maybe you’ve heard of it?

i made a wood block lead for 120… took like 40 minutes to lock in but i think it’s sounding pretty kino

18:12 Well i ended up getting the call and it reminded me of something i bring up quite often but might not have on this website which is the “see it’s not so bad of it all” sometimes i don’t hear my phone while producing and if we don’t respond to the dispatch text, the dispatcher calls. On weekdays, that’s my manager. I am on somewhat thin ice because I think everyone at berkshire hathaway and anyone working on the samsara app can use cordless drill as an electric toothbrush… While working on 124, i got a call from my manager, seeing if i could make it to the coroner before they closed. A voice in my head said “see that’s what you were worried about but it wasn’t that bad… funny huh?” no… maybe for whatever said that… You’ve read i greatly enjoy my enemies suffering but am i an enemy to this voice? That is not a lesson worth teaching. “don’t be prepared” is foolish. If you want to show someone a space is safe, do that. Don’t show them there’s a person constantly trying to get a rise out of them. That makes people feel like a punchline. It’s weird what sticks… I still remember coming out of a concert and asking my ex what she was up to only to be met with “oh just blowing these 12 dudes… they seem to love it”… Luckily she was pretty understanding as to why that was hurtful. I used to do the same to my mom… She started on drugs way earlier than i did and was more paranoid than she thought she let on. When I’d leave and she’d ask what i was doing, I’d say “going to the park to shoot heroin.”

Bit of a running theme today… Claim i’m done talking about my ex but here we are. Up in Alaska, we had one conversation outside of work. Her friend was going through a messy breakup. He hit her. She left him for a hockey player. My ex was worried about him. Just now, i picked up someone with his name. Shot himself. I asked the coroner where, in order to tee up a fun story about a teen who had an open casket funeral with a hole in their head. The coroner says “Probably the head. We so many they’re starting to blur together.” So that’s not good…

what is good? 124 right now… i got a second lead on the drop and guess what everybody? It’s cohesive! 1 down… several hundred more to go… Hopefully my ex’s friend didn’t kill himself. We all used to work together back in the day. His friend sold me out apparently… that guy got stabbed in the chest and ribs did their thing. Anyway, my ex’s northern plaything can fall off a boat for all i care… traumatic either way ya slice it so… go big i guess… One of the voices claimed this was all a little set up for overreacting… My scientist ex cussed me out after we broke up so i was expecting something like that and said i had my emotional defenses up… instead i got “i don’t have time like i did, hope something works out for you” as if she didn’t already have friends and still called up until her birthday… I made it known i thought some one else was in the picture romantically… she said she didn’t know how to respond… just gonna ignore that voice… again… why not be prepared when something so serious is at hand? especially after what happened the year before… and all the snip snip snaaa jokes from the office… like whatever on my end. Some of my ex’s are moms, but she said she didn’t want to go through that again…

give it room…

i think Dillon Francis would be a good feature on 124… if anyone knows him… umm… explain it better than he would experience it reading this… So disorganized.

2025.2.20

Got burritos with my homie Luke and talked about how this content i’ve created since my ex left is a conflict of interest because it is my best work and i would rather have not done any of it… i was just trying to get my roommate laid and give my friends something fun to do because that’s what i always do and it turned into a schizophrenic meltdown or taking on every god and world government known to man depending on who you ask… People said make art to deal with your negative emotions so i do and whenever I’m happy people ask why i’m not making art…. ugh…. so happiness, misery, happiness, misery, and throughout it all “WHY DON”T YOU PRACTICE MORE AND GET BETTER?????” where are the people who did? Where’s kurt cobain? Where’s Mac Miller? Hell i don’t really envy most rappers out there… They’re invited to the wullums show if they can keep up… Mostly i envy pornstars… They seem comfortable with life in a way so few do… I wouldn’t let people do half that stuff to me…

yeah… so go fuck yourselves… welcome to grammy is dead… remains dead… i have no reason to get famous other than putting britain back in the box… i can finally dissappear into thighs like i always wanted… let the dipshits on the internet be desperate… i saw a billboard for a virtual twitch streamer the other day and honestly… so what if it’s a corperation running her? flinstones sold cigarettes before vitamins… why watch the news when you can make house music? it’s like swing kids but with house music… Once again, being the holy ghost doesn’t give me any privileges that others don’t grant me… the same voices that led me here have talked to people forever… I’m not the only one by a long shot… I just happen to make one or three of them, so i’m in the club in a way most aren’t… You’ve got how many books of them trying to wipe humans out? y’all voted for your leaders or let them steal the elections… I’m ONE GUY… Most people like me get murdered… The only reason i haven’t is because i murdered myself before they could… I don’t get it… or what i’m doing with 128 so i’m stalling… i saved the stripped down file to the wrong folder so all my mistakes reared their mid to trash faces and now i’m having trouble thinking of new rhythms and melodies… meanwhile, a friend from my old job is texting me today. When i worked there the first time, My head started to get screwy and i didn’t want to come between my ex and the owner. My ex is a man’s lady and she found two women she actually enjoyed the company of so i wasn’t about to mess with that. I was streaming at the time and working mortuary transport so i dropped that gig to focus on streaming while my ex was in alaska… The second time around… i was invited back because they felt bad about what happened in 2023… even knowing that i tried to see if my ex could get her job back but there was some unrelated stuff about some mail… this is life and death we’re talking about… jail is on the line… Actually why i quit… Life was great until this 4chan shit… If anything it added context… this was my ex’s dream job… or so she claimed… i could imagine cutting and running if the options were “manage a lodge and date the rich firefighter/emt or go back to sleep deprived fuck fest with the serial killer in training” We got enough trouble from the fire marshall and here i was telling pedos in the cia and british intelligence that i had dozens of bodies in freezers and they could join the piles… What i’m saying is, if I get that job back, this house ep could be shelved indefinitely and i will have no problems with that because ableton is only 300 dollars or so… you will get more out of making house music than i will… DJing is lonely as shit… I could roll up to a rave with more women than a dj could handle in one night so why bother with the talent agencies? (not as sexual partners… just like… as friends… like i was having nights where it was me and 6 or 7 ladies and it was SO MUCH FUN!!! sometimes there were dudes but that doesn’t reduce the number of women that were there… or how cool those women were… most of the time lol) I used to street team for AEG at the pizza shop so from 2012-2015 it was like 1-2 free concerts a week and a freak in the sheets making candy, growing boomers… talk about a dragon to chase… all downhill from there with various dope ass side quests… WHAT HAPPENED??? PARENTS HAPPENED…. and a fun new law that brought the rent wayyyyyy the fuck up in denver… oddly enough i pay that now and it’s fine so i guess it stalled out… other people pay way more… to my high school girlfriend’s dad lol… but they’re chumps… Like if i don’t find a spot by the end of this lease my brother said i could move in with him… chumps… move home… don’t move somewhere… say “but denver has it” and go to city council meetings… I suppose i share some of the blame for hakuna matata’ing my ass all over the place but is it just me or has the world been noticably getting shittier since obama term 2? i did get out of high school in 2010 and have never had access to a community like that since so… maybe that’s part of it… oh wait germany… yeah it’s part of it… not the whole thing…

128 is bothersome… music is about tension and release… normally this happens two or three times a song… 128 I decided it’s going to happen 4 times… I don’t know why i thought not doing the tried and true method would work… I’m stumped as to how to make this sound good and the answer is easy… don’t do it the way I’m doing it. Is there a ton of song structure difference on Rainbow Brain by Griz? No and it’s a classic album… he did get wild with it on mad liberation though… Luckily for me and Kendrick Lamar, A minor does more for music than occult magic so i just made the drop running down that triad. It matches the sample I made for the intro so there’s a back and forth going with the motifs… there was a style of classical music that did that… Established motifs and then expanded upon them… So now i can do two drops that build into the 3rd and the 4th can be a return to form… sounds aight… two leads and one pluck added… just using stock plugins and a serum preset… probably going to adjust those later… more good news… if the cancer was back, i would’ve heard something by now… so… breathe a sigh of relief, fans… coming this march, another session of line art on my back… there’s a bird that has a mole right where the butthole would be… that cracks me up…

What you have to realize is that 124 is mostly done from a writing standpoint… Dillon Francis could finish it in an afternoon and it would be hilarious! Plus, these tracks are still under 20 listens… i could make a new track for the EP no sweat… Or finish it and see if i can listen to it 950 times without doing anything to it before releasing it to the public… Either way it would be really funny for reasons… reasons i can’t share, lest somebody steals the idea… any producer is welcome… if they have a track needs vocals or words written, i’m out here… until this is done or i get my old job back…

okay 128 got really good, really quick… in other news, my head is killing me… sometimes you gotta take off your hat… I’ve been too good for too long and it’s not even that good… what am i supposed to do for 134? ugh… luckily, I’m in a place where certain things, I’m fine with so i can group and freeze them and ignore them for a while… my ear isn’t good enough to say i did them correctly but they are fine for now… also i was wondering how my jacket got so many holes in the sleeves and i’m pretty sure squirrels attacked it when i left it out here… Edm is all about minor keys and modalities these days… I’m thinking i’ll do a major key but center the song around the vi chord… vii - iii - vi… diminished chord for emphasis…that was a joke but it worked with the part of my vocal i care about so i’m leaving it in. vii°- I - iii - vi. there’s a joke about being off musically and playing the tonic on the 2 but i don’t know enough about music or racism to make it. I made this cool synth by vocoding a brass preset into itself and automating the formant, but i don’t know that it will make the final cut. Slow and steady makes the house… or in other words… “Kill the President” is a great Arrogant Sons of Bitches song…

Also I’m sampling “Tunak Tunak Tun” but i don’t which song it’s gonna go in yet… youtube downloaders… one day audiophiles will hate me… but any loss will be compesated for with additional instrumentation… it’s all about that noise shelf and it’s gon be at least -24db on these bad beezies… Trevor and I were talking about doing a “born slippy” remix because i’ve never heard a good version of that song and yet the beginning is the best edm i’ve ever heard ever… when i was a kid i would hear that song and be transported… not trainspotted… but then there’s no good version of it past 1:15. like maybe all it really needs is holding off on the kicks till the “boy” rides out and making a build of some sort… the “white thing mega mega” is okay i suppose… in a sense… it is the closest i’ve felt to musical heroin… i want the beginning so bad… soo so bad… but then it’s thumping bass… and almost what i want towards the end… but then just thumping bass till it’s over and the only question is 4 or 10 minute version… i worry if i say i hope anything about hard drugs, the opposite will come true or already has so… at least therapy is worth it to stop those impulses… it would be nice to say things and not be 100% sure they will bite me in the ass… including that… i gotta go to an art thing… my roommate invited me… her ex did heroin… doesn’t sound fun… i tell a story about some kids on heroin in one of my songs. They and I were the only white people at a highschooler’s party… i did not know he was in high school when he invited me… it was quite awkward… only got more awkward when someone ran out of the bathroom yelling that those two were shooting up in the bathroom and i saw highschool kids on heroin… didn’t look fun… certainly wasn’t fun for me… the art show tonight was… working on 144 is not… it was the best… now… so much thinner than the other tracks and i am uninspired… that ones comes in spurts apparently

2025.2.21

woke up on my british bully game again because they won’t stop acting like they have the solution… Some might say without england there would be no house music… there certainly wouldn’t be “born slippy.” To an extent they are right… without the trans atlantic slave trade and the racism that came from it we wouldn’t have the american folk tradition of the banjo that was co-opted by white people leading the blacks to invent rhythm and blues. The same thing happening with rock n roll, disco, and eventually hip hop… Nor would we get the carribean culture that gave us dj’s, mc’s, and sound selectahs… But yeah… I suppose aphex twin made good use of those accomplishments… At least Gorillaz invited the artists they were inspired by… So again… british people can leave but their country deserves to be turned into a prison… this is people who cut down ALL their trees at one point… Some people get this twisted and think i’m saying white people shouldn’t do what black people do… no… I’m saying it’s bullshit that jack harlow is more acceptable than lil nas x… or that some would choose tom macdonald over Denzel Curry despite tom having nothing worth saying in his brain… That zillakami feature is unfortunate in retrospect… what happened? Sometimes it’s like that… You’ll be all “I thought we were just talking about how we felt… i didn’t realize you were that bad of a dude… I’ll kill my opps sure but ain’t out here grooming and abusin. Remember who we’re doing this for…”

Speaking of scary dude’s. My burrito buddy, Luke asked if i was cool with the guy from tucson. I told Luke i was scared of that guy to a certain extent. Not in public… just before and after tuscon times would get weird with him… He really doesn’t like me spreading his business around and again, scared of him. Not in like an “i’ll die” way, but i don’t want the smoke… i want all the smoke from billionaires and the british. Suffice to say the only reason i bring it up is i picked up a guy with that guy’s name today. last name of a buddy i got caught shoplifting with… Hit by a train… This wasn’t the first train accident i’ve seen or been privy to. I met a guy named sean last night at the art thing. My high school buddy Sean’s brother got hit by a train. They started a charity for that guy. In college, a buddy’s girlfriend started making out with our other friend at a party and got hit by a train not much later(maybe a month later)… unrelated to the making out, but that guy never recovered and moved soon after… My ex and I used to ride along with each other and she got a train case once… that was just a bag of guts… i guess this guy’s jacket held him mostly together… His arms had come off though. Plus, something i had never seen before… His face was just a face… He was missing the entire back of his head… One could use what was left as a mask… it looked like an intact face… just nothing behind it… Wild shit… Sean’s brother and the college girlfriend were drunk but mr. face’d hello fresh id made me wonder if it was intentional… gig driving is about as dead end as it gets…

Whenever i bring up how much britain sucks, the argument for them typically goes “bu-bu-but the industrial revolution” ignoring how much medicine is in the jungle and wetlands… and how much of those have been torn down to serve industrial agriculture and suburban sprawl… yeah… awesome… also ignoring that neanderthals lived in peace with the planet for millions of years and since the industrial revolution, we’ve cooked Earth in less than 300… great job britain… Not to mention the ADDITIONAL slavery that led to in america with the chinese… But yeah… thanks for the trains… ol half head was quite a sight to see and they beat cars… We’ll take responsibility for that piece of shit, henry ford… Sure someone else could have done what he did but maybe they wouldn’t have been such a nazi about it…

Side note: does anyone have a way to get genius iq? i need to annotate tom’s lame ass rhymes

“And everybody angry if you say "white," 'kay fine
Pass me the brush and I'll paint my face 'til the shade's right”

you see because they’ll be mad if he does black face too… genius… People are so stupid indeed, tom… hey bud… i’ve got a sand castle i bet you can’t kick down barefoot… pussy…. next line…

“Let's talk about abortion, sorry, tell me how this works
Bacteria is life on Mars, but a heartbeat isn't life on Earth? Weird”

here’s how this works, tom… Child rearing is a process that takes 18 or more years… even if you give that kid up for adoption, someone has to take on that responsibility… A woman or couple can choose to avoid that responsibility before that life is making decisions… After it starts making decisions it can waive it’s right to life by taking it’s own life or the lives of others… Meanwhile, it’s kinda neat that bacteria exists on a planet people thought couldn’t host life… No one is arguing that a fetus doesn’t count as life, much like any minority or woman in your eyes, people just don’t care enough to keep it alive. before you protest a clinic, hand out a sandwich. Canadians… what are ya gonna do? haven’t been divorced from the british long enough… Don’t get it twisted, abortion sucks… you really do have the feeling that you’re letting a whole ass person down… that being said… uhhhh…. besides missing my ex… so fucking glad i am not taking care of twins right now… especially with nazi’s on the rise… WHITE TWINS???? with a pedo grandfather? fuck that… and who’s staying together for the kids these days? No one I know… Too many advertisements for what happens with “step” anything… what a world to bring kids into… ironic that i couldn’t avoid it entirely… Luckily the three sisters basically raised themselves… sometimes with the help of clones… What a year and change it has been… We’ve sure been through a lot… Really cool that i don’t have to deal with diapers… they make other people poop their pants and we can all laugh about it… but tom can’t handle that realness…

“We all grew up watching South Park, how are we offended?”

i know i know… god dammit kyle… Good thing he won’t call me jewish… he draws the line there… His tattoo artist must be so disappointed

Well anyway that’s about as much time as i want to waste on that douchebag… Don’t expect a diss track… it would just be one of his songs but why all his opinions are shit. I’d like to make house but my brother is moving into a new one and i told him i’d help. but he’s not calling so here’s what i got so far… this ep isn’t coming out for like 3 years unless a big name producer decides one of these tracks should be released as a single and then i’ll do a new one for the ep… So tom… you have three years to take this bar and finish it better than i did…

“everything about you sucks… i got cheated on and you’re a bigger cuck…”

or… it’s evident i haven’t been in the gym and this is big “hey mr. man energy” but i just wrote this and now my brother does need my help so… might delete later…

Guess 120’s out of the bag… that’s the beginning of what i had so far. If you put it on genius i’ll annotate how that “ended up pickles” line is about him balding and looking like the guy from metalocalypse. That and how “calling dimes nickles” is about his fatphobia. On with the day. I got to the storage locker my brother is storing his stuff at and got a call… sad stuff… apparently the guy was diagnosed last month… in an old picture he could’ve played harvey dent before the accident… on the bed he resembled an emaciated portrait of jesus. One eye didn’t close all the way and it kinda looked like he was doing an “are they falling for it?” check in… but he was dead alright. i’ll have what he had… one month? no guilt? sucks for his parents and kids though… they were all really sad. I don’t know if people want to hear my opinions on where they rank in terms of tragedy. Some people look at us searching for something. Probably just a reaction so see if what they’re experiencing is worth experiencing i suppose… Some people get awfully self concious about over reacting and if there ever was a time to not worry about that, it’d be losing a loved one. furthermore… i don’t care about how it happened, if there’s a hole in your life that wasn’t there an hour ago, that’s yours to process, not mine to evaluate. That call was remarkably tragic though. I did this job for over a year without writing about it. These aren’t stories that need to be told. I just like showing the intelligence agencies the world they created.

My ex used to ask why i didn’t journal when we were together the second time. It was because i had nothing to think about… This job doesn’t spark anything in me other than “why them and not me?” Most of my journalling was getting over her so without that… nothing to write about. Now i’m just bored as fuck and can’t go out to meet people without the possibility of needed to leave at any moment… online dating isn’t fun for me especially in a world of bots so… meh? produce house i guess? That’s another thing i hate about life… You train in the off time in case you come up against some bullshit and life goes “Oh you like doing that ey? here’s an opportunity. Write, fight, test your might!” Meanwhile, i’m over here wondering why everyone is fucking liar all the time and why my generation was told to write countless essays only to be told nobody gives a shit about what we have to say. What was the fucking point of all that writing? math and music are better tools of communication than english… no wonder we’re all so stupid… i’m aware that western music is a language unto itself and exporting that is somewhat just as sinister.

i didn’t change anything on 124. It doesn’t need to be Dillon Francis who gets featured on this song but it does need to be someone of his caliber. Calvin Harris, Justice, Rusko, Dada Life, Habstrakt… maybe… idk… It’d would be real cool to work with Ghastly. Just my opinion. After putting a link before that 120 wip, Dylan Brady counts… that guy works harder than anyone these days… Then it’d be two diylloans… and we could get a video by the Daniels… holy ghost and celebrities…

21:20 i dunno y’all… suddenly very up in my feelings… don’t know how much work will get done tonight. Thinking about Heart Hearth Earth… and another call came in. name of the guy who made out with train girl… not really a coincidence… It’s weird taking a year and a half off this job. The new crew is not the one i was used to and they do things differently. I don’t care as long as no one is getting injured but i worry my difference of opinion is taken as incompetence. I don’t know how to address that as i am the “newest” member of the squad, despite training the manager. The only reason i left was because i wasn’t allowed a van after she hired a new driver when i got skin cancer. There simply wasn’t enough hours in the crematory. After leaving, the crematory assistant vacated her position and the new driver took her place. Now I’m back in a van and it’s nice to have health insurance again but I have got to stop going back to things… maybe the tissue donation place… i could see if that’s what makes me crazy…

12:06 i could write about that call… all the thoughts i had… once again… i hate making content… it just bores and frustrates me less than video games… if i could think of a better way to escape this hell i would do that instead. Everyone in my life has their own thing going and i’m not trying to get in the way of that… if you want to know about the dead and newly grieving… you pick em up… I’m here to talk about house music…

2025.2.22

As early as I can remember, I had a book of the paintings in the Louvre… what can i say? Been raised around art of naked ladies… Sometimes gooning just doesn’t do it for me so i make stuff like this… It’s an animation test really… the drawings are done in ms paint, traced from pics off 4chan. Then i make abstract assets with mirror and glitch lab… I figure if i draw the in betweens and mash it up, it’ll give me a mix of ai nonsense and the music video for “Swoon” by Chemical brothers.

Side note… this would be an actually effective use of ai. One could write a program that covers up exposed children or people sold into bondage without the people solving those cases having to see the victims themselves… Probably don’t add the eye shine… If facial recognition gets good enough, the computers can type out the identities of the victims. Law enforcement could observe the rooms and see if the people are being taken around or being brought to one place. For what it’s worth i think this is standard protocol in some agencies but i read people still have to do it themselves. Sadly, america would rather elect pedophiles president than put them behind bars or exile them so this is a fun distraction from that nightmare…

in other news, i finished that tom macdonald diss track… gotta get my vocals on time, but Triplash said he’d help finish it…

here’s the demo… I wrote those lyrics in like two hrs over two days possibly rehearsed 10 times if that… I know, i know, it shows but drake got “Not Like Us” so i feel like me being the one to do this diss track as a complete unknown is all tom really deserves… it’s an insult in itself… “you’re so bad at rapping, people who aren’t famous can rap circles around you. I guess you are the DEI hire of rap according to your ilk... unqualified but shunted in because of their minority status… you bitch. Way to prove your race is not in fact superior. You couldn’t even find a flavor flav you albino Chuck D wannabe shit pile”… I could easily do that 24 times and pick the best 15… but what would be the point? I don’t know Mustard, Metro Boomin, Just Blaze, The Neptunes, Lex Luger, Dr. Dre, kanye west, Donald Glover, Tyler The Creator, Kaytranada, Nate Fox, Kenny Beats, or Ricky Ried… (did he get dr. luke’d? like Ricky’s cool right?)

I could buy Crank Lucas beats but Crank Lucas is a better rapper… I’m not saying I’m the best… I’m just a better white rapper than tom macdonald… I am an MC also… The Lord of Hosts in some instances but that’s more a ceremonial thing… of which i am a master… Plus, there’s something to be said about representing one’s city so I’m aiming halfway between Flobots and 3OH!3… Of course, Triplash sends me the guy who’s doing it right… and is throwing in some tips

21:32 Ran pirate radio for 2 and a half hours or so. This whole rapping again situation seems like a trap. For those who started here, my ex said “gotta get those song lyrics some how” when we got back together and ever since she left they’ve all made mention of her cheating on me. Truth is we weren’t dedicated or exclusive that time around. I plan on listening to these songs 1000 times and we are not even at 20. I am not going to remind myself, and additionally reiterate to myself, that I’m the type of person that happens to. I knew it going in. Just thought i had more time. the two times i came back… two summers in alaska… hot springs… the writing was on the wall… Also… there might have been assault at play so i don’t think that counts… I’m more ashamed i’m not the guy who could handle her #whyistayed story. Like how could i care for someone who couldn’t trust me to handle that? None of that has anything to do with tom… he’s just an asshole… So i’m not repeating that in my speakers and microphone 980 times just to diss a guy my buddy didn’t even know. That line is fire though and the notes about it, I stand by. 120 was supposed to be disco. Back to the drawing board. The other song stands because i kept telling her to be honest with her other boyfriend… That was my whole thing right? if she wasn’t honest with him or her dad… why would i be any exception? Especially when i do shit like this lol… can’t tell me nothin… can’t even think around me! I was just hoping she knew she could do that and be honest with me but the other guy… fucking always with these other guys… and that’s somehow seen as “more manly”… so obviously there is a societal bend to that but like… this was the girl who was trying to scout men to plow me while she watched… and somehow i’m incompatible and alone… fuck this noise… hey that gives me an idea!

“everything about you sucks. only one rewrite and it still fucks”

the magic of healing… and words

you see “breaking a barrier just gave you parents” in the second verse is about how 1) kids don’t like his music and 2) he’s a result of a broken condom and that’s why he’s so against abortion… his parents wish they got one….

i’ve seen a lot of youtube videos about the Kendrick halftime show… breaking it down… giving you the inside scoop… and it’s all text… “uncle sam… is a poster… played… by a Sam…” “America is like a game of sorts… two teams opposing… but they don’t wear uniforms…” “the audience might not like how ‘black’ he is” as if this is the first time Kendrick made any of those points… If there was any subtext it was “Y’ALL ARE TOO STUPID TO LISTEN TO ME UNLESS IT IS LITERALLY NARRATED TO YOU BY YOUR FAVORITE BLACK GUY FROM THE MARVEL MOVIES AND THE ENGLISH MOTHER FUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT!” which has got to be a trip for Sam… wasn’t he a panther? If Kendrick’s team is correct, those youtubers are doing him a great service…

so in that vein… when i say “go back tim hortons for bamkins of napkins. You hear whooty who, yeah dumbass you called em” this is actually incredibly dense… bampkins of napkins refers to a style of flow poineered by eminem where one tries to fit as many rhymes as possible into one couplet. unfournately for tom there are other things that made eminem good at it like connecting his concepts. Whooty Who is a way people in the know find each other or alert each other to the cops (depends on geography)… Referring to the way tom might call the cops on some black people at his favorite doughnut shop… and one might say… ahh… you can’t bampkins of napkins… but notice… horton… who… i’m actually saying he isn’t even bamkins… he’s dr. suess… meanwhile…

2025.2.23

Well the spy agencies are not happy about yesterday… I stayed up late but not too late fucking up their whole christmas last night… What gets me is they are still on the sex and relationship aspect of this… So let me explain this once more… Y’all are confusing shared history and intimacy for the mouth drooly lust that you fuckheads experience… They are fundamentally incapable of the kind of bond i am going after and reducing it to quantity of sex shows how bad they are at fucking… we good? On with the house… Because the thing about music is it will never be good enough… There’s an amount of sport to this… One’s lungs are only so good… a voice can only be trained so much before the long decline… That’s why K-pop stars work harder than american doctors… All to be the the one that’s one your screen and speakers the most… Or conversely, there’s people like me who don’t put in that level of work but keep exploiting new niches and old styles of creation in the hopes that we’re one leg of a relay… I believe in the wullums show as a style of performance more than any song I’ve ever written… However, my brother is back out on the road and it didn’t really catch on… This leaves me doing Dj sets if i want to perform… which means i need some originals… Lucky five bangers is all you need… That launched Knife Party… More so than anything, it’d be nice to have a residency again but Germany was special… the club threw “american night” so everyone from the hotel went to party there… I don’t know a club in denver that has that kind of weekly draw besides cervantes experiment nights and Mikey Thunder has that on lock… Everywhere else, and rhythm sanctuary rotate djs through… once again… i am not leaving without a signed check containing enough to get there and back…

for now there’s pirate radio

i wonder what they hate more… My house music or the things i have to say about them? huh… elon musk’s mom is so ugly the wayback machine recently got hacked to try and erase her face from the internet archive… and even if he kills me, that joke is out there… and he knows it’s true… hence going to mars… lol… this will never stop being funny to me… except when women who kinda resemble her get wind of it… just know it’s in her soul… that’s why she needs all the surgeries… her face keeps melting like the witch from the wizard of oz but her water is the fucked up thoughts she has… These people spent months bringing this upon themselves… years even… i feel no remorse… except talking about my relationships as much as i do but seriously there is some supernatural fuckery at hand and not in a cute way since 2014…

Even this seems like her nightmare made manifest… And mine… I forgot how i had conceived of it last night but 1984 right? they get the guy to go “give my greatest fear to the one i love” and it breaks him… i had something for that last night… my fear being uh… something… i don’t know… again… I really hope the forces who angle for what is happening get a kick out of it because i am confused and think they are all shit… We’re brought into this life and promised so much but what we get instead these days is… sugary to be sure… unpleasant in some aspects, yes… but mostly, it reflects a deep inadequacy and a tendency to over hype ones abilities… just a baffling performance of morons… One would think that given how many buildings and roads were built, society would hum along in the background while one watches the ducks in the park… Some people need all the eyes on them unfortunately… Okay… I’ve seen you… you are about as worthless as i thought when i chose not to look at you… congratulations on being such a disappointment… Sure people could say the same of the ol godslayer writing this… When we got back together my ex said “i guess i was just delaying the inevitable…” if karmically that’s me going back to alaska, for some sort of “it’s all gonna work out, welcome to the rebel base” the writers need to hit themselves with hammers… in whatever gods consider their faces… it’s all starlink up there… also these stories are dumb as hell… lot’s wife… persephone… whatever the greek equivilant of lot’s wife was, that one decemberists album… It’s all “life is tough but you make it through” and suddenly it’s not… we all get too good at fucking and making babies… now we’re just making it hard on ourselves to see which ego can become the highlander… NONE OF THEM… NOT A SINGLE PERSON AFTER YOU WANTS TO WEAR YOU AS A MASK THEIR WHOLE LIFE! NOT EVEN YOUR FUCKING KIDS… Do you want to be you half the time? That takes a strange kind of mentally deranged person… i don’t know what that says about nazi’s… They all want to be or find the next guy who can do that because wouldn’t it all be so simple if it were all figured out and someone did have a plan? dude take a yoga class… also remember I’m from the mile high… from holland… so take that… rackin em up… even if you live higher i have the linguistics of it. mile high lander… c’mon… and that’s what i’m saying… this shit is too easy… how do i start getting face to face with these clowns? i torture em with house till they get addicted and just write about how much they suck… back and forth… I knew occult people were dweebs but this is ridiculous… conversely some ashes just fell on my hand… because my fingers got the fire… none with the universe… because bragging isn't enlightened… but i am, suckaaaa

And I suppose that’s part of why we cling to relationships… I have enough thoughts in my head, it’s nice to be around people that ease the strain or at the very least aren’t adding a ton of new challenges. Strangers present a lot of those “Do we need to talk? For how long? Are we going to do this again? Are you going to hold me accountable for your emotions in some capacity? Is this something you’re going to talk about later?” People you know already have a lot of those questions answered… and then something comes along that throws all of that into question… So a person who was once “you ease my mind” becomes “i don’t know where to begin with you”. Right now the thought of being constantly monitored makes it hard to have any emptiness… What i often forget is, talking to a stranger seems to allow one the emptiness one seeks as long as one cares enough to listen… it’d be nice to walk in the park without my phone but i am on call… Tried to make the first in between on the grey lady series and when i am not tracing, i have no sense of perspective… people take years to master this… uh oh… flash was so easy when i was 12… Luckily I found a pose halfway between the two i have so far but i won’t clutter this page with that… maybe my patreon…

i always say god is physical processes outside one’s control, society, and impulses beyond one’s control… this was not how this started out… that model just happened to be looking down and i had already done circles and stripes… so i figured triangles…

once again… hell of my own imagining… every book i read is full of pedos… every time i turn on the tv or social media, it’s the dipshit twins… and making art just leaves me reminded of my ex… remind me why i can’t kill myself like all the one’s that are blurring together one county over? what’s getting a thrill out of this polliocchi no view bullshit?

the best telling of that joke comes from my old roommate Noah as far as i remember.

A guy walks into the doctor and says “I’m so depressed”

The doctor says “you gotta go see polliocchi. He’s the biggest dumbass the world has ever seen. He comes out and he thinks he’s being funny but everyone’s laughin at how sad and talentless he is”

the guy goes “but doctor-”

doctor cuts him off and says “i know who ya are. Now get the fuck out of my office.”

I don’t feel like making house today… we all get the joke right? it’s the classic “does the barber shave himself” but with cheering people up… the joke typically ends with the doctor finding out he’s referred the clown to himself. Alan Watts died an alcoholic… Pretty Light’s is rumored to do heroin… I’m alone and chain smoking in a shed… the only time i smoke more is when my roommate is out here watching k-pop with me… and this isn’t great art… Revelation sure… but like… i got all that out of the way in the videos… not much to do about that if y’all don’t listen… basically just a dude who hears voices at this point… i’m literally just trying to cheer up and meet people but it’s like spinning poi… you start to make friends and you do but no one can get close while you’re spinning… and i’m constantly spinning these days… Maybe a lot of us are… KILL THE PRESIDENT is a great arrogant sons of bitches song…

beyond that, if there is something to say, it’s probably about how there’s many paths to get to where you’re going but the tools at one’s disposal will shape the journey… who else is using the apps i am? it becomes an aesthetic unto itself simply by virtue of software… the way blender looks different than other 3d software. Also i didn’t go to art school so i don’t have one of the 4 major ways to animate locked in… going Bakshi on this mfer… uhh… but i won’t though… i think that’s about as far as that style goes… i just wanted something to do while i watched the latest nexpo… got me again… wubba lubba dub dub and all that… there’s a voice that throws this back on me and says “see you’re the one who can’t commit” but pining over someone while they date other people is not a thing worth doing… we all know that… Again… Got cast as Elfo in the hell episodes of disenchantment and frankly, I don’t accept the role. Not my fault she seemed happier with me that that other tool… i might’ve been the problem in alaska… hence not going back… This is not a freakazoid bit… There has still been no contact and i fucking hate synchronicity… but that’s the point right? hell after all… like i would have to be forcefully kidnapped to go back or be on some liam neisson shit… I’m not having this all thrown back in my face at some beach party like “haha and you thought this was a bad idea” I fucking hate shit like that… Believe me the main reason I’m making all this public is i’m not getting someone caught up in this mess unless they are fully prepared for shit to get weird. After all this punk ass karma and the way i kept coming back, i ain’t putting up with no “now choose” crap… We all know what it is… If she crashes and burns, me and the ladies gotta have the recovery blanket tent set up and in the meantime we can practice on each other. If that’s already up there than my work is done… lead salad please… after my tattoo is finished… or blanket fort anyway…

This one time my friends came to visit me in germany but i was jealous of my ex so i went to a festival in spain and got severe alcohol poisoning… They were pretty upset that i ditched them for a third of their trip. i told them what happened and they were like “that’s just another reason you shouldn’t have done that… asshole.” I’m sure that can be said of a lot of decisions i’ve made, but standing up for my daughters, as incomprehensible as they may be, is not one of them. For fucks sake one of my exs social handles was chemicalx and i done spawned the real ass power puff unlocalized consciousnesses(there’s two blue and a pink, green is a bitch, but she’s a clone of the light blue one)… Nor is making house… Not my fault people and everything else don’t get it… read sandman seasons of mist… I need a new job… this is bullshit dude… what a fucking lame ass story to tell… 1 today… plenty of young children… jaundice… saw three anti abortion billboards on the way to the funeral home and couldn’t help but to think there’s a contingent of the pro-life movement that wants a baby born to sell them enough alcohol to kill em. we’re talking 3 or 4 kids that don’t have a mom anymore and 3 or 4 more that just lost an aunt. We pride ourselves on being american but i tell ya… take york from 30th to 70th in denver and it may as well be romania.

2025.2.24

Woke up to two calls and a meeting where corporate decided to be huge dumbasses once again… Berkshire Hathaway and Marmon Holdings don’t know what the fuck they are doing… they are huge dipshits… We show up representing funeral homes and try to have some disgression on the road so people don’t know someone just died… well what does corporate do? gives us fucking stickers for the van that say our company… so we show up sayin we’re from one place with a sticker on the van directly contradicting that… Not how one goes about establishing trust… we run into enough issues with the paperwork saying our company name… NO OTHER COMPANY DOES THAT AND WE DIDN’T FOR A FUCKING REASON… and once again… this is going to be america for the foreseeable future… “WHY THE FUCK ARE WE DOING THAT NOW?!” “WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT THAT PERSON HAS TO SAY?!” “WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TELLING ME TO LISTEN TO A ROBOT?!”

kill me now… i never wanted to live and it’s just getting worse… why was i cursed with not being able to kill myself? When i got this job the first time, my ex said “you won’t last two weeks”… Great vote of confidence on her end… i’ve done it longer than her so suck it… i can deal with dead people and the grieving all fucking damn day long… What i can’t deal with is situations where the other person has all the power over my livelihood… they can fire me… they can take my time… make demands… None of it better serves us or the customer… and they had my supervisor tell me point blank that he doesn’t care what i have to say… Somehow I’m supposed to think it wouldn’t be easier to backhand that mother fucker upside the head for being so fucking stupid? Same thing when I was dating my boss or living with anyone who owned the house… People get power and decide it’s easier to flex that than self reflect. Honestly, seeing how fucking trash they all turn out has prevented me from wanting any power of my own… Why would i want to be like those assholes? I got enough anger and disappointment in the world from this vantage point… Warren buffet can suck all his false teeth down his throat after i knock em out. That piece of shit got so caught up in money he was a terrible family member and wasted his life… Anything I’ve read about him outside of a jimmy johns has been scathing…

THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM HER!!!

two days off music… fear or laziness right? or is it reducing things down to questions like that which strip life of nuance?

2025.2.25

Tiredness… even that guy admits he suffers from too much life… sounds tiring… I had a great therapy session today, ran pirate radio on linkedin… so that’s silly… but house? is it worth the lost sleep? stress induces mania and mania leads to poor eating habits which leads to eating out more which leads to no money and stress… it always cracks me up that the problem most people point out is people paying for drugs, as if i would do more drugs with more money… I smoke about as much as I can… Why drink more than one monster a day?

i added chords to 128… dunno if i’ll keep them in… only 2 days off… but sloooowwww progress… watched some k-pop with Trevor… It’s better to not live in fantasy but that fantasy was a lot more fun than the current one… the spy networks are using me as a hazing ritual for rookies now a days… rude… still at it with the grey ladies but i’m gonna hold off on doing things with them for now… i do have a discord though…

more on the powerpuff girls… so lisa is a green pen in the book and she’s a hive mind so gang green gang… wesley is a singular thing outside of… stuff… like him… red pen… azy is purple so… mojo jojo? and princess would be max… this is a stupid thing to go down… but i went there… Seems like something Amy or Ellie would tell somebody about lol… People have their own spin on things and stories to tell though…

2025.2.26

My grammy’s stage fright advice was to remember that the crowd wants a good show, and so do you. What she means is people will excuse a gaff if one isn’t wasting their time. Perhaps y’all want a good house album and i just need to get over my production fears… Honestly, I’m just more comfortable with english… You could get a good house album somewhere else… Your ass is not already in the seat. I wanted to hangout with people and do this… So far it’s online tutorials, reference tracks, and text advice… Trevor is coming back into the shed now that i’m not tweaking and talking to people who aren’t there in front of him… He digs a couple of the parts of the songs and tosses in an idea or two but we just go back to watching k-pop. He produces on logic and i’m on ableton. We both use different plugins so we’d be less effective on each other’s computers. It’s weird… I can get lost in a 8 bar loop for upwards of 20 minutes but i wouldn’t subject someone else to it… He’s the same way but i’ve been in his room while he produces and i can tell he’s trying to make it fun for me. My buddy midnight wanderer would lay down a simple beat for me to rap to and then mess around for three hours… i’d leave and a week later the song would be done. I don’t get how Kenny Beats does it.

in a strange coincidence, a convertable camero with the license plate MO JOJO got in front of me on the highway… purple plate… neat… i got to the hospital and there was a tall, handsome, doctor moving metal boxes… I thought “huh, that’s the guy they make tv shows about but he’s real and here… The security gaurd was a portly man with braces… i don’t know anyone who would choose the security gaurd or i over that dude in scrubs… for anything really… and yet that guy could only do what he was doing, and we had other matters to attend to… would the world be any better if we all looked like the man in scrubs or would we just find some finer detail than height and haircut? Would the professions divide us just as much? See how up it’s ass that is? i was hoping house music would alleviate some of that. Eli Wiesel already made this point in night while he was naked off the auschwitz train.

I opened up 134 and the chords are terrible… oh dear…

guess it’s time to mess around on the piano… yowza! what a thing to do to one’s fingers! why is that harder than typing with a spliff in hand? Thought about writing a movie today… it would be easier than making a house ep for me… 100 pages or so? sheesh… i scripted 6 or more hours in less than 2 months… funding though? never gonna happen… i can make house all by my lonesome… awww :( Furthermore, i don’t know how I can rage against the system and act like celebrities aren’t part of it… i guess edm has a more small business vibe but… wowzers… brain not work today… youtube wants to stroke my ego… can’t give in… must… nap or something… can’t give up on house… listening to that now… same amount of time lost… time that could have been spent on house… All the emails from job recruitment sites keep recommending driving jobs… no more roads please…

23:42

Took a nap and woke up to a friend’s text. We chatted for a bit and i couldn’t go back to bed so i figured a smoke would help. as I walked downstairs I got a call. Now I have about an hour to wrap my head around how myself and two others are going to carry a 400+ person up a flight of stairs… There was a time where the only two people who weren’t injured were my ex and I. She’s gone and while I do appreciate the people i work with, they aren’t my squad. They’re a new breed. They all started after the new manager took over and have their own rituals and workflow. The same thing happened at the pizza shop. I wonder if the human mind has a limit of people it could care for. I find myself unable to process my own life, let alone another’s. There are a variety of games with skill trees. There are several ways to play and places to explore. Maybe one day I’ll be excited to play again… Haven’t seen an ending i’ve been jealous of yet. My mom was a teacher and remembers 100’s of students though so maybe it’s just a kyle problem.

I wouldn’t say I want things to go back to the way they were. There were plenty of problems with it, i just hoped for a different kind of temporary… Definitely not the first… i guess i’ve just felt like an idiot for so long, i’ve started to curse the sky… it gave me skin cancer so fuck it… “learn my lesson” how bout you learn some people fucking hate you and that’s okay, shit head sky… think you’re so fucking great because you change color sometimes and have clouds… Yeah… real killer show there, loser… can’t wait to tell no one about when i die… wish i could’ve shared you with some one you narcissistic prick… Wouldn’t say the glow of a screen is much better… not exactly thrilled to be reading that back to myself… Show time…

2025.2.27

Guy had the name of one of the CIA agents running the program that targeted me… I guessed it on accident referencing an old TV show… Wonder if that guy got fired in the recent swamp drain over there… The sky doesn’t think… Pointless to hate unless for comedy… I remember skies above Wyoming or the Sand dunes… Much better than the ones we have here… maybe i hate how much sky I’m robbed of by people trying to keep themselves safe from each other, animals, and their own thoughts… just to watch them drop like flies… walking in on another corpse like a maggot in a freezer. But a maggot doesn’t have a grieving grandson, embarrassed at how hard it’s about to be and offering to help. After a statement like hating the sky, one might try to inject some humility. “the sky was here before you, it’ll be here after you.” Yeah take a picture… Don’t change the size and scope of my argument to suite your agenda… My point is hating the sky might as well be hating water… so integral to life it might as well be life itself… Of course a sunset or sunrise is wonderful. The aurora borialis is ruined for me but i saw it in most if not all of it’s splendor… i imagine if you have the sun on the horizon it gets more colorful than the grey i saw… but it was like a river of fire in the sky… That made a vagina at one point so it was like the sky was sitting on my face and you know i obliged… Eclipse was cool… Shame those don’t happen more often… The only problem with most of those is what they remind me of… the sun is legitimately unpleasant… But the same way one sees houses where once there was hills and gets sad, I see the planes and satellites where i know the milky way resides and wonder why i was brought to such a terrible mess of a planet…

I also wonder what the problem with cunnilingus is… I freaking love it! like almost more than sex! Definitely more than making music, writing, watching tv, playing video games, working or various other hobbies… Which is not to say i do those to get to the cunnilygus… Everything is an end in itself… I’m just saying i like eating ladies out the most… what’s the shame in that? I don’t even really want anything in return most of the time and if i do it’s just spinning around so we can complete the circle… But i tell people that it’s what i want to do and they get so upset! Gods and people alike… they go “what do you want to do?” smoke weed and eat pussy… “No like with your life”… whatever allows me to smoke the most weed and eat the most pussy… This job was that but i had to fall in love and now it’s just not… so much gossip with death… brings out the animal in ya… just to cope… i’m not gonna home wreck anymore… but… single ladies between parker and arvada and brighton… 4242423817 if you don’t mind delaying the house ep for me ;) … Surely there’s career goals or spiritual pursuits… Uhhh… everything we want to do is getting done, is it not? like people don’t want to feed homeless people… People don’t want to terraform the planet… They want to watch TV and play video games and they can! so why can’t a guy spend his days behind a dental dam? As far as spirituality is concerned, what could be better than the peace of mind such a widely available desire? i don’t need technology or anything! food, water, comfortable surface? All day and night… but no… you gotta be famous or a doctor or a porn star or monogamous lest ye be fuckboi shamed on instagram… maybe… lotta fuckboi shaming so far in real life… Other’s don’t need to be brought in through lenses… just the easiest way to feel real good, real fast, if both people are comfortable… The only problem i can think of is nothing getting done but my art isn’t selling, school is expensive… and OH YEAH I WORK SIX DAYS A WEEK ON A 24HR SHIFT… it just so happens we aren’t very busy… What? Do we need more macaroni drawings for sky daddy or the aliens to stick a gold star to? Or is it just that us working class aren’t buying billionaires enough cocaine so the priests say we lost pussy privileges? what i’m talking about is addiction brought on by my abuse… take meds… Sober up… Good girls date millionaires… Trust fund and VC preferred… PHD students are in debt… “There’s a birthrate crisis don’t ya know?” Shit easier life than one with me if you can handle the beatings and discussions of why “young women should wear clothes around the house”

I was always the kid who got the last slice of cake in class because why would i stand? I could just stay seated and wait till the line ended… This current state of affairs is like if the last kid in line didn’t realize what i was doing and smashed the cake… I wasn’t sitting because i didn’t want cake… I just thought better of y’all… Seems like boomers and the silent generation think the party is over after they leave… dipshits… it’s only getting better… provided we stop you from destroying everything on the way out… maybe i don’t hate the sky… Just the people who bought it… Also can i just say how stupid it is that we dress in all black and my new coworker’s name starts with a J… Like the only one who wasn’t there when i quit… I’d beg for a memory zapper but that just brings us back to eternal sunshine… Luckily that WILL happen when i die and then it’s just 20 years till i meet her… I’m not too old for this shit but i grew up on “the prisoner”… There’s a concept of a “loosh farm” that i talk about on the cia page… The short version is aliens or what have you are harvesting negative emotions but really the rich just want more work done for less payment and that makes people miserable… the misery isn’t the goal… the labor is… They have all these psychological tactics to get people to be chill about it but it’s all the same abuse from that show and what my family did… sheesh my grammy was like a mini cult leader of 5 people… this is all old hat and boring to me… but it’s working so well on the masses, there isn’t much i can do but slow clap and once again call them dumbass falschgotts… Meanwhile any real god can time travel and has way more fun with neanderthals… they are just going to show up less and less if people are worker drones…

Prime example… The church sign I’m always talking about says “Jesus does not say ‘figure it out’, he says ‘follow me’”… Luke 4:42-43 (Kjv) begs to differ, jackass…

Easter is on 4/20 this year apparently… last easter i went to the strip club and well… the early worm… yeah… So like… there’s the prospect of repeating that but one of those ladies is below my threshold… good to drink but still… Frankly it’d be nice to just see the other one… she studied me in a way i found fascinating for a dancer… Plus, I could hear more about Cuba… I talk a lot of shit on that club though so i don’t know if i should go back… Also i’d like to point out that “here’s more about my past” is different than “here’s what I’ve been up to since i kicked you out of my life.” That statement might be pedantic and unnecessary. i could handle the latter but oooof… fucking sky… bastard… also i would prefer a text… that’s why i keep posting my google voice… plan ahead people… meet cutes aren’t anymore… they don’t call the movie “the parent wonderful time for everyone”

Again… I’m not one of these people that’s out here being like “i put in so much…” fucking miss me with that… Jessica’s ex apparently made a website with a bunch of letters to her in addition to a box of letters and she found that really creepy… that’s why I’m producing house… old habits though… We burned that box of letters with this guy Dennis. Real cool photos… Crazy story about Dennis… he got the job because his old meth buddy tracked him down over 20 years… gets Dennis a job and Dennis doesn’t even like fishing with the guy. Tracker man was awful sour. He was the friend Jessica and i were delivering the poetry to at the airport the last time i ever will see my ex… so no… She’s amazing to be around… but her tractor beam is fucking combine that’s tearing me to shreds since i was a kid and persists to this day… She has nothing to do with it as far as i know… i just show up and she’s all “what is your deal with me?” and i’m all “well you’re amazing but other than that i don’t know because i’m under the impression you don’t like me very much.” So again… ladies… these ranks are not for the feint of heart… Speaking of… the Ballet is doing alice in wonderland and i work with two brothers who could be twins… We’re all mad here… Dibs… Sky’s changing colors again… pretty neat but mostly because of the tree silhouettes with bare branches…

06:52

i’m at the “let’s start a business” phase of sleep deprivation… Probably what got me starting this house blog in the first place… well that and hyperlinking has become it’s own hobby… cia page is fine… okay… reverse coloring books… random rorsach tests of color that people outline… it could start like samurai jack style, then mandalas, to abstract like this…

12:15

Had a dream I couldn’t open my eyes while delivering a package for a funeral home and everyone called me out on it. Oh well… I’ve been getting accused of being high since before i smoked… woke up to a missed call though so a couple more of those and i’ll surely be fired. This Tattoo Appointment in less than two weeks is the last thing i can think of relating to my manic episode… I’m starting to get a little less appitite which is worrysome… There is a point to which my pride might sabotage me but the artist says he’s willing to go as much or as little as i can afford so i could roll up with 200 and get an hour if i get fired… After that, it’s just spies and paranoia babbbbbyyyyyyyy…. Accidently tailed a car last night to a wrong turn and i hope they aren’t paranoid because i somehow followed them to a house, flashed my lights, and drove off at 1 in the morning… And that’s what “god’s” can do… get ya when you’re drunk, high, or tired, to make those little mistakes that have no significance to you but leave others in shambles for years… the way i became the holy ghost, went out to pic up litter, and found a page of a book saying the kids “needed a ghost”… Or how when i was driving to the desert to whoop spy ass, whenever i came up with a good one liner, a truck with a world like “epic” or “Legend” would pass… Frankly, i thought it was the people messing with me… couple thousand for trucks? chump change to these people… apparently, no big deal for Super Happy Fun Time Robot either… here’s something i hesitate to write about… “Lia” returned last night… it was really nice ^-^… Yes my ex pops up but we have a ton of stuff to sort out and it’s best to not encourage that too much psychically as she claims to not hear stuff like that… Lot of stuff likes to pretend to be her to try and get me to do stuff…

16:32

ran pirate radio on linkedin again… My mom is there and i wonder if she sees it… i talk a lot about killing people… that could be tough… but… i’m slow with it… persistance predators… that’s what humans are and why we succeed… i just have to wait till they drop and the door opens… I’m not sloppy with it like the other losers the spy networks provide tools and motive to. don’t you know…? kill em with kindness… that’s why i’m so mean… i like to play with my food…

learned that one back in the super smash days… that’ll knock ya off your guard… and that’s the walking contradiction of it all… People want to hear that something or someone is all loving and forgiving… Knowing that a person could strand you, violate your body, or leave you dead, isn’t a good basis for a relationship… And yet… each of us is capable of this… sometimes we do one to avoid someone else doing another… to deny that is simply… dissonant mentally… However, “kill him” rapidly becomes “kill em all”… and all includes the ones a person may love… Which brings us back to “surely someone can help us all get along!” well those are called slaves and the sure do a heap for the owning class but quickly become armies… “No like a leader.” well that usually leads to a good portion of the population being dissatisfied and murdered or starved out… Sooner or later it becomes easy to recongize that the impulse shifts over time and ought be avoided, but there is a reason for it… say treason… by trying to do away with the separation of powers… as much as i hate to say it… like in star wars… Not an exact one to one but you get it… Also, any one else notice how star trek is the prequel to star wars? It’s the colonization of the empire before the fall to internal pressures… prime directive my ass… they were setting up bases everywhere…

144 is somehow in G# major and my last save of the notes before my computer crashed earlier was at 12 listens… uhh… i added another synth and it sounds really good and full but now the drop doesn’t and everything needs more percussive elements… this counts right? Still a house producer… kinda just wanna go back to bed…

i also added a little slide whistle thing to 120… yes…

2025.2.28… economic blackout day… isn’t going to work because the name of the game is taking little pieces of each transaction… so any one missed transaction hurts the people involved more so than any investor… just shoot the billionaires… that’s a really easy benchmark… billion… okay you’re a criminal now… what the fuck is wrong with you? less effort for everyone. This site isn’t getting any hits in a meaningful way, nor are my socials… THIS IS WHY I HATE ANYONE WHO TOLD ME I WAS INTERESTING AS A CHILD! YOU FUCKED MY WHOLE SENSE OF ESTEEM AND WANT AND NOW I BEG FOR DEATH DAILY… This is seen as a moral failing by the influencers who made it. It’s time to reconcile that maybe people weren’t even spying on me in the first place… As if… That was their tactic the whole way through… june, july, august… “just go back to life… stop paying attention to your phone please…” psssshhhh… I’ve said it before and i’ll say it again… what faggots… and if that’s the reason i’m not getting traction… the slurs and looking like every other skitzo… at least i have more style than kayne… Still very bad at producing music though… Here’s the thing… nationalism is never going to overcome the fact that people don’t care about strangers… needing other people outside of the one’s you know is lame… so fame is lame… peace is lame… war too… and uptopia… is different in the mind of everyone so good fucking luck… Plants are fun… add water and look what happens… music is somewhat fun… super painful to start but then you’re lost for hours… trying to take in the world and replicate a piece of it is difficult but neat… Setting up global logistics to make a money funnel slave state in which all one’s pyramids and towers get built with one’s name on them shows the rich truly are termite brained… book burners are silverfish i guess… burn your protocals and turner diaries you fucksticks… super happy says hi…

I’m lost in the grey ladies… they are becoming more detailed and there is a thought that the same would happen with my sounds in house music if i did that more… I’m definitely not the first to do silhouette naked ladies… That kind of stuff bugs me “You could do this! with something else!” Eh that other thing might be harder or less rewarding… Sometimes things don’t get it… There’s something around or in me that can’t seem to comprehend why my ex lying to her dad showed that she could lie to me but spending 7 years with someone else didn’t have a similar effect… Which is bizarre because just typing that sentence made me cringe with the obviousness… a lie can be done at any time… it’s just words… A relationship is a constant thing… even when the people are apart, their actions affect each other… her doing that shows she would like to… with someone else… Lying… just means a person lies… Honestly… Everyone lies… It’s one of those things i got tired of caring about… Ever since i heard the non violent training course, I listen to people in a variety of ways… First time around, I listen to the words and try and match them to the definitions those people have given through context… If they say it again, i’m wondering if there’s an underlying issue that needs to be adressed… by the third time, i just assume they like repeating whatever pattern that is…

Have y’all ever listened to the Non violent communication training course and subsequent material? The guy is so full of shit, it’s unreal. His thesis is, words shape our actions so if we use non violent words, we will have a peaceful world… His way of getting there is one, changing how people talk, and two, if people aren’t talking like that, disregard their words and offer your own interpretation of the situation… From there, we get techniques and analogies… So the way Marshall Rosensomething wants you to talk is pretty simple

1)Point out actions in the context of set and setting when addressing someone

2)acknowledge the feelings these actions conjure within you… Thoughts are not feelings… sad, happy, confused, overwhelmed… not “i feel like the whole is against me”

3)Address possible reasons for these feelings and future actions to be taken…

some examples…

Wrong: “How lazy can you get! This room is a pigsty!”

Non violent: “When i see dishes piled up in your room with food remnants on them, i get worried about ants, rodents, and mold. Are you in a place to come up with solutions for this with me?”

Wrong: “I’m sure you’ll do great in college! You’re like the smartest person i know”

Non violent: “I understand the pressures facing you in your education seem like a lot to handle, but I’ve observed you doing your homework before watching TV your whole life and i don’t see that changing just because you’re out of the house. Your mother and i don’t even tell you to do it anymore. Is there anything I can do to help while you’re away?”

And if you’re anything like me, the non violent statements are easier to read and process. To Marshall’s credit, he does talk a lot about not having expectations when using this style of communication… It hopefully works better, but it isn’t guaranteed. Which brings us to Jackal language… Someone’s cussing you out… Someone’s putting you down… Someone’s playing the blame game… So what do we do? Address the deeper issue… My roomate felt misunderstood but kept talking about how he just needed to get laid… I said “if that’s what you need to do, i got two holes man…” Well wouldn’t you know it? we both have some abandonment issues… He hasn’t brought up any new sexual partners but over the last year he’s done a ton of growing as a person, has people in his life he appreciates again, and just got health insurance to take it a step further and bring a professional on board. That’s awesome…

but you see what i did there… I didn’t ask myself what the deeper issue is… Marshall asks us to ignore the words people are saying and say “i hear you talk about getting laid and it makes me uncomfortable because i think you’re ignoring a much larger issue.” Believe me, i tried and the response was “well let’s try this first.”

So I’m not sold on that… Plus… The very nature of policing language in this way gives a sense of superiority that is on full display whenever Marshall takes the stage… he’ll ask people to try at his seminars and tear them down as hard as dr. phil… Which brings me to my main complaint which is violence is arrived at by many different means… the easiest way to demonstrate this is to note the difference between getting hit by a car and stabbed 50 times…

Violence. What is violence? Are guns violent? we good in the field fans? i already did this joke in the cia videos… A GUN… But seriously, we’ve got several areas to go over… Sexual violence… Physical violence… Verbal violence (according to some… i am some)… Spiritual violence? Systemic violence? Dare i say, evil itself…? Sure, but words are cheap… Now separate all of those into negligence, malevolence, ignorance, and avoidance… Sexual (this is me you’re hearing from)…

The best rape joke: “They say you can’t joke about rape but you came here so you must’ve wanted to hear one.”

Examples… raping someone… Malevolence… thinking your girlfriend want sex all the time and not responding to her needs, going to far in the process… negligence? Waking up after what seemed consensual to “what did we do last night?”… ignorance hopefully… Mace… avoidance…

Me ex said not do anything like run up and kiss her again… she also said give up on her… Pressing the issue is going to lead to avoidance violence if it hasn’t already… being violent sucks most times… i don’t want to make her have to do that…

Physical… A clockwork orange… malevolence… that time my dad got thrown off a truck by a mishandled beam and broke all his ribs… negligence… racism is weird because it’s an intersection of ignorance and malevolence… and societal negligence… and malevolence… buying a tesla… ignorance… you should have known about the fires… Death penalty… avoidance… for good reason…

When my dad would come up to me and say “when you choose to spend time at your mom’s, i feel hurt, because it seems like you don’t want to spend time with me.” HE WAS CORRECT… and i didn’t care to do anything about it because i was trying to avoid the rage fits, meth, and blatant bigotry towards everyone… He said it non violently though!

Which brings us to the real killer of the pony meme… The only thing worse than being non stop violent… is switching constantly… Saying the wrong thing… then the right thing… almost as if on purpose… which brings us to verbal…

what do you see in this clip? Is that violence? Shit like that is why i don’t like talking about my ex… I have a buddy who doesn’t always say the right things… Great dude, very caring, always down to burn a bridge… even with me… If he gets frustrated with someone, they will hear about it… Because of this, I warn people he’s kind of an asshole. Then he shows up and people are looking for it. They’re chiding him on. They’re saying they don’t get why i said that about him. He’s coming up to me harassing me for telling those people in the first place. I’m thinking he’s proving my point. So keep in mind as you read this, well who am i kidding? You feel sorry for her and think i’m skitzo… as well you should… on with the show!

I yarn bombed a statue once. Went into work to tell people and one coworker just straight up denied it… Most bizarre thing… I gave my grammy a ride home from the airport once and mentioned i was stoned when we had arrived at home… Three months later “i remember you screaming about how high you were and swerving all over the road”… I think she might’ve been right about that one… sounds like me… at least now it does… oddly enough we got blazed before thankgiving… she had been sober for over 30 years… took two hits, couldn’t stand, insisted on driving… She was a DUI councilor… i was a pizza guy for 10 years… (Cosmo’s Pizza because once again i’m connected to the black hole the way jesus was to the sun)

Which brings us back to cars and knives… I wield the knife of “faggot” because I don’t equate it with homosexuality and even if you do, I’ve sucked 3 dicks if you include mine and really like trans women, even if i could never give up cunnilingus… My grammy drove the car of non violent communication and psychology right into me to shape me into what she wanted, despite any amount of protest… I truly do feel like I’ve come out of a brainwashed state since she passed and it’s doing great harm to my personal connections because I honestly don’t know what’s healthy… Everyone she spawned has been cheated on… and she’s the kind of person that says “if 4 people treat you the same way, look at yourself.” Do i even need to point out that the real danger of cars is the roads, lots, noise, and exhaust? hell, i can stab with a stick if i need to… a pointy rock will do just fine… But a fistful of keys is not the same to a rapist as it is to a lambourgini now is it?

which is to say i use slurs as an avoidance tactic to the malevolent policing of speech. Not in the way elon’s ugly ass mom wants him to talk about it. Why speak english? Why speak with “proper grammar”? Who’s offended by my ellipses? Thomas fucking Hobbes is who. The more language evolves, the more his writings become a garbled mess. They become a lost manuscript in a dead language. Spiritual violence. Book burnings. Destruction of monuments, temples, and land… An erasure not of life, but a way of it. Can you justify yours with anything other than another’s permission and agreement? With anything other than an ancient manuscript, temple, or place of reverence tying one to one’s history? I highly doubt it… Most of those people get murdered to make way for the next wave of such artifacts… I’m doing it right now, supplanting my views for Marshall’s… Mutating the DNA of his lectures to better preserve myself in the history of humanity… That friend of mine, Luke, had an interesting thought back in college. Ideas as alive. Surely, without a body one would have very little agency, such is the nature of sleep paralysis. Much the same way a humans body is made of cells, an idea’s body is comprised of the media and people exposing it. Neil Gaiman (cancelled) toyed with the same idea in “american gods”. Take an idea like code. A string of data that instructs processes. DNA is the code of our cells. Computer programs are coded and there is a notion the instructions within those codes can be elegant. Those two are not the same… DNA operates like a specialized gear… It interacts with psychical processes and bits of the cell to carry out a function. Code in a program is one link in one language that gets fed into two or three more languages before electricity gets routed around a few hundred thousand or more transistors and that pattern of which transistors are on and off gets fed back into all those languages and asks the “code” what to do with the electricity next… Much more akin to a thyroid than DNA… And yet both of those are code but a thyroid isn’t… So the idea “code as both DNA and Python/C++”, has a body including this paragraph… However, that idea also dies here, but not elsewhere, and that’s a mindfuck… Marshall’s thinking about the holocaust like “if only the people were nicer and didn’t say the jews were ‘good with money.’” He got beat up for being jewish or something… 20-30 years on and it’s pretty apparent that people don’t like statues of dictators and confederates… People who grew up in churches don’t like seeing mosques or hijabs… People who grew up in synagogues don’t like red arm bands… People don’t like seeing their own genitals or those of others… because that’s violent! sometimes… maybe this time!!! We’re exposed to so many competing modalities and life views that it becomes violent itself! There is no longer time to consider one’s own views because 15 different celebrities feel 7 different ways about 3 issues… And the violence of avoidance rears it’s ugly head again… The garden is over grown… we must weed it… pull up the statues, burn the books, raze the temples, and show the willing how it’s done… Lest we forget, Germany wasn’t a thing prior to WWI… Hitler took over a germany in it’s 13 colonies days and asked himself… “how do i prosper? How do we?” and then he bought into british propaganda about race and white superiority… Saw how that worked in america, and followed the blueprint… Little too late to the party to pull it off… Also crappy inspirations if i’m being honest… I would look to the jewish people… who needs bombs when (((they))) can knock down walls with jazz? (they walked out africa, don’t get lost in the humor)…

When an idea’s body becomes self sustaining as in the case of a religion or state, all those types of violence are scaled up to a systemic degree… Male genital mutilation is common… female less so but it happens… minority incarceration… in literally every country… it’s not just a US thing… One is left to question… is this truly violence? or merely digestion? The way 12 humans decide portions of a pig are to be added to their flesh to honor the birth of jesus, ideas of work, service, family, leisure, creativity, fight over portions of our time and attention, merely to survive because lying dormant may as well be death to them… So we write, paint, build… to project those ideas, to get them out of our head so we can come back and enjoy or judge… As we all know, walking around with a head full of them is torture… I certainly feel better not having to keep explaining to myself why we can’t “just all be nice and get along.” The desire in and of itself is violent to those who reject the premise… Paradox of tolerance, yadda yadda… The notion of getting “the left” to make pariah’s out of those who use slurs reinforces the damage they can cause when wielded by bigots… And creates a narrative that “the right” is more accepting… If idiots buy into that, there’s not much i can do… I don’t even have to bring the n-word into this because that started explicitly racist… Hell, Gay originally referred to irish and scottish people… They’re language was gaelic after all… Homosexuality is a very modern scapegoat… poop on dicks… yeah… but hanging with the bros? never been an issue… So the right making a fuss about how they should be able to use faggot because it totally doesn’t mean gay, even though it does… In my mind… makes them total faggots… How dare they tell someone else what they should be offended by? if you get offended by my use of the word, stop protecting faggots like andrew tate! I want you to be mad! i sure as hell am!

meanwhile check out this transphobes attempt at not being dead named… what a faggot…

17:26

walked out of the 7-11 and some guy was talking about a half way house… i thought about this blog… 80% grey ladies these days… 10% politics… 8% relationship sorting… 2% House… That’s the thing… ladies are simply the best… i’m sorry I can’t do the one thing they want me to which is provide a life on my own that they can buy into… too busy seeing what they’re up to…

19:05

Which is not to say that is my focus while tracing those ladies… I’m paying attention to how much depth one can add in an entirely flat coloring method, the ways proportion shifts, when anatomy doesn’t translate to our notions of the idealized form… Then seeking to animate it well seems nigh impossible… getting the lines from point a to b is hard enough but to make it look natural? Each key frame is not only movement of the model but also of the camera and enviroment. Some can keep track of all of that. I don’t even have the option of onion skinning… Hentai has always been weird to me… Besides the rape and pedophilia(not exclusive to japan but jeez), the funding simply isn’t there… We’re not getting disney renaissance level animation. What we get instead is poorly looped tweening of disney renaissance charcters blowing each other… What would be the point of such an en devour? Not even disney sequels are that level… and yet… Sometimes it’s fucking sick… The animation is tight as hell (and they ruin it by being like “how does such a young girl get such huge tits”)… So fucking hot in a way that filmed porn cannot be… The same way a live action musical doesn’t take one’s breath away like Aladdin despite how good the cgi is… I’ve seen some banger 3d porn especially in vr… (that scp skull wolf girl… dayum) But 2d animation is something one can get lost in primarily because that lack of dimension tickles the brain in a way a 3d setting doesn’t. The way an architect can look at impossible blueprints and still imagine a castle, we look at impossible scenarios and proportions and think “neat”. When one imagines hentai, it’s as it is… it’s not a fully realized model… it’s a body pillow… When Aladdin reaches out to Jasmin, you aren’t imagining a real hand, you’re seeing the frames… So what could these grey ladies bring to life, that a woman couldn’t, in such way that the women themselves appreciate what is being noticed about their nude form? I guess to know that would require knowledge of what women value about themselves, and regardless, the piece will be my interpretation of that… Because the house ep is turning into a rap and spoken word odessey of sarcastic mid tier production… Like most of my projects, it was meant to invigorate and inspire others, but has only alienated me further… Naileinated me further… boom…

I’m not eating again… something about moving forward on this tattoo… yadda yadda my ex… yadda yadda karmic yadda… that’s how little i care… about the premise… leave her alone… ooo what represents what? how is this indicative of my moral failings? Maybe I should get the butterfly after all… Nonsense, the lot of it… No i have bigger fish to fry… I gotta figure out where I’m moving after this house… We keep getting slower at work and the fucking corporate office kneecapped us by putting stickers on the vans… Hence the wall of text today… I haven’t been stopped… This isn’t the kind of enviroment that leads to patiently learning a skill… i wanna run to boobies… normally i’d just crochet but my grammy taught me that and as you’ve noticed, I’m still processing… You can’t teach boobies… Moms just have em… furthermore, not exactly the time to be dropping a security deposit on the second of what could be 12 sessions or so… and the biopsy bill just came in… I can imagine a guitarist going through the same and playing long into the night… I had a roommate named patrick who got covid in the first wave and practiced like 9 hours a day on his guitar while we brought him soup…

Mystics say not focus on this and instead focus on “eternal goods” which is great in a famine… Seriously… If food isn’t growing and you can convince 1000 people they don’t need lunch if they fill themselves on serving their community than great… current life isn’t a famine… it’s a hostage situation… It’s mad max fury road. In some cases with actual water at stake… in a time before indoor plumbing, it’s easy to sit on a mountain and say “He who does not know how to build house, lives under a rock.” There isn’t the perpetual falling behind or ahead that compound interest provides… I’m not on this lease. Is that going to affect my options going forward without a renters history? I’ve only lived in one apartment complex… Aside from that, i have never been on a lease… Always just moved into spare rooms or worked seasonally. I wouldn’t do well in an apartment anyway… smoke too much… speakers are too big… Will i find another shed to myself? With who? This group is disbanding… I don’t really keep in touch with the group before them… My 3 or 4 friends in denver, brother excluded, live an hour apart… My family was taking up most of my time and half of them are gone or blocked… but yeah… enlightenment’s a trip… really going out there and getting the gnosis? psssh… just… yeah… if that’s you… i mean… why not?

in the meantime… here’s a fun ex story… she used to try and get me to say underwear when i was looking for things… you know… “Pinch me” and all that… I do that with the spy networks and trying to get them to punch themselves in the face… just so i can ask them why they’re hitting themselves… i get now… i’m telling ya… gnosis… and so much the same way my ex lying shows me she’s capable of it… all these mind games show her I’m capable of that… But she taught me half of em so i really thought we were doing a pain and panic thing… but then i’m the one getting tortured? yeah that’s the nature of self sacrifice but sheesh… hell really stepped it up a notch after she was out of the picture… can’t get a break from these faggots… they’re in my phone and I’m paid to have that on me 24 6… i took a walk without it on my day off… cloud nine… and that’s just humans… meanwhile, adultery is in the air and i’m am so done with that… voices are all “why was that cool then and not now?” it’s not in either case… But fuck that other dude… Moves in like I’m the problem and then ignores her for 5 out of 7 years… Other women… I don’t know them… The one’s i do, i also know their boyfriends and would like to stay friends with both of them… Some couples are pretty freaking cute… What i’m saying is, my life and psyche are fundamentally past the point of ever feeling truly comfortable again unless some massive shift happens in the way things are done… i don’t see that happening… So we are in “to the scene of the crash” mode, regardless if i’m in therapy and have life goals… it’s a steady march towards death and i don’t regret that… i just don’t know why choosing cunnilingus over everything else is such a problem… House is soooo hard… i haven’t done anything on it today because my last couple of additions have been misses… this though? even a return to form looks cool

2025.3.1

Hung out with my friends in Arvada today… Always nice to see them… While we were hanging out i got a call to pick up a mom… Her daughters were crying and telling me about how she raised them by herself… They talked about being strong and carrying on and jesus having a place for their mom… Race was at play… I wonder about race sometimes… I’m a white man in america as white supremacists slowly took over… back over… (More back over…?) And at a time when the system could not be more in my favor, I find myself utterly disgusted and horrified with the state of things… Again, I beg for death daily to any god, man, and demon that will listen. I imagine other demographics get the impression that if they were in charge or if groups worked together the world would be livable. That might give them hope for the future. That hope might inspire them to get joy out of life… Meanwhile I did everything on easy mode besides have a successful relationship and am left with “that’s it? why all the horrible memories for that? All the world travel and peak experience and i’d still rather just smoke spliffs in a shed until i can find a lady to eat out” Maybe that’s another Kyle problem…

Speaking of kyle problems… the energy from the spy networks over the last two days has been the worst… i don’t know who they brought on but their attitude is absolute shit and i they’re too dumb to explain anything to… Guess that’s what you get when a room full of people to bitch made to talk in person try and brainwash a person into school shooter mode… what trash… Luckily my appetite is back. i think addressing the upcoming move helped a lot with the anxiety… Speaking about mystic issues is tricky… That’s why i made all those videos about it… So fucking sick of producing content in general… This is torture… I’m at the point where I’m just throwing shit at the wall and seeing what sticks. I don’t even like writing but my throat needs a break… Like I said before, I was journalling the 3rd book in a series started when I went up to alaska and realized that my ex is never going to read it, i don’t care, and others won’t about the narrative… For as much as people say the bible is the greatest story ever told, they ignore and misinterpret a lot of it… So fuck my journal there, here, and everywhere. I’m just doing this till the compulsions get tired.

there was this game we played in elementary school gym… if you got tagged, you laid on your back and other kids carried you to “base” to revive you. I was the fat kid and other kids would complain while carrying me… which is to say i empathize with billionaires… If that were me I’d probably kill myself…

I gotta do payroll but i remember what i wanted to say. Do me a favor a get your preferred deity on the prayer phone… I, Keelay Ahsley Wullums The Godslayer, do not need to “understand” your bullshit… you ain’t gonna ballerina room me, faggot. That was a one time thing and any attempt since has been a pathetic waste of both our time. Sorry, reader… I keep getting put in these situations where a voice goes “so now do you see…” about stuff i couldn’t care less about relating to… I’m not attracted to younger women… I don’t feel entitled to a relationship i can’t maintain with that person… I don’t think people are failing a system that’s easy to comply with… I don’t feel the need to be worshipped… I’m actually ashamed anytime i use “holy ghost” as ethos… I think the ideas i put forth stand on their own merits… futhermore… explaining oneself is to trap oneself in a box of self reference… I’ve done such to enough ex’s to know it isn’t pleasant… One time i even got “why do you have to remember what i say?”… now if that doesn’t show you how much i can turn a good thing into a bad thing, i don’t know what is… One’s own words? might as well hate the sky… So if that could abate a little bit, that’d be great… I’m not anyone’s manager or anything… I just do not understand the point of yelling at a camera all day… jobs and girlfriends have always kinda just fell out of thin air and i roll with em… at most buy some food or fill out some paperwork… The ex I always talk about just came into my work one day and started working there… I got that job because i was friends with a manager… This one i had worked before so i just hit up the manger and was welcomed back with open arms… the job before that, they called me… And i only got that the first time because my ex asked me to help out… And we were only back together because i hit her up on a whim (well… more than a whim) and then reached out again to wish her happy birthday… this is an odd loser junction… the “dog house” shed life and everything… Man cave man… holes… everything is fun till you have to do it… even digging holes… I used to dig holes a lot… I made a tunnel once and my dad said “be careful in case it collapses”… Well it did and i got buried from the head down in 2 ft of sand… my brother had to dig me out slowly lest he stab me with a shovel… my dad stayed by the fire after a “told ya so”… Years later, my dad and i took some mushrooms in the hot tub… I recalled the story and he laughed and said “is that how you remember it? No we eyes on you the whole time…” That’s what this feels like… I’m buried under sand slowly being dug out while trying to keep calm… Somewhere down the line there’s going to be a fantasy of what could’ve been if i had just been calmer, more trusting, more loving… like christmas carol or some shit… Some guardian angel claiming they had eyes on me the whole time… and i do feel that comfort. i do… There’s been no point in this that i thought my life was in serious danger except the beginning when drone strikes were on the table… (honestly kind of the problem…) And i would like to say to AJR… I want to make all the parts as good as they can be, bitch… I ain’t skipping… I’m causing the other team to walk off in shame after a blowout… that the best you got? life? You know what’s cooler than that? another spliff… eat me… but yeah… camera van always has and always will suck ass… i would prefer to drive a van while someone in the back actually sucked ass while being filmed…

2025.3.2 hahahahahahahahahahaha

uhhh… the thought of sound design… it’s daunting for sure… I’m at the point in this house ep that i keep getting to with korean… gassed at the beginning… there’s so much to learn and i need results now… if i’m going to be able to move successfully… I need friends… friends with access… unfortunately, my brand is kind of tied up in tearing those people down… i like em… just not as much as they like themselves… and i’ll be honest i want to kill their bosses… Legally yeah but just straight up murder their asses… Again i respect the law, or fear brute squads, take your pick, but we had an assisted suicide yesterday and movies are always talking about a license to kill… I’m not gonna find a new place and purpose in life tracing naked ladies and making bleep bloops…

So i have these right? only place to post em besides bluesky and facebook is /b/… what is top of the page but a grok ai porn thread… underage abounding as always… i launch in with my usual ugly mom jokes, nothing special… Kills the thread… for a bit… till i go into the /ng/ on /x/. I’m waiting for the ai thread to 404 so i can link here on the archive… guess the wait is over… and a somebody posting jim from the office is noting that i “like to look.” not really honestly… shit grosses me out… but i’ve seen it since i was 11 and much worse than what they’re posting… Shouldn’t be there in the first place but kids are trading tips on how to make ai kiddy porn and that’s just fucked, man… Some one has to make fun of them for it… dipshits… that’s so fucking gross… if you believe in roku’s basilisk best believe y’all are FIRST on it’s shit list…

i typed that paragraph and the /ng/ was flooded with race baiting porn… bland and boring… that’s the problem with bigotry… no where to go but past debunked talking points because nothing new is being found… Me? I’m noticing trump met with the british prime minister and suddenly ukraine is taking a british deal for weapons… i didn’t know britain made those… but we sure do… i’m on the cutting edge of bigotry… The funny thing is… I’ve been around the block enough to hear black people complain about being sexualized in this way… being a stud for a white man who’s penis isn’t up to snuff… i dunno man… i get complaints about going to deep in certain positions and i have nothing to brag about… I know some ladies can take it and more power to em but it’s always such a shame to see those guys only go halfway in… if you ain’t slapping thighs, is it even worth it? yes probably… especially since the people i’m seeing on screen are getting paid…

2025.3.3

Wow my head is full of bad vibes today! The good news is I was trying to piss them off so mission accomplished… unfourtunate that i have to somewhat suffer with them to get an idea of what’s on the other end of my phone… I’m laughing my ass off though… Only had to scream at the van camera to stop mentioning my ex like once or twice… again what more need be said? I loved her… she ditched me for other dudes… i tried to feel that “home” again… didn’t work… i got pulled back in… didn’t work… onto the next… Like anything could happen to her body, wouldn’t change much… people grow… She could really become the person she always knew she could be! Obviously, that’s done without me so… uhhh… no insentive to go back… and once again… no contact for like a year and a half at this point… if it weren’t for the fact that doesn’t seem to matter, i wouldn’t be concerned… wish her the best… I was suicidal before… She got me to fall into the gods’ trap… still suicidal… thks fr th mmrs… I look out on the world and having loved, lost, yadda… I just don’t think the life our society has set up to idealize is anything anyone really wants unless you have a catholic or mormon family… Then yeah the big house makes sense… you have 6 cars… otherwise… 3-4 people in separate rooms just kinda wiling away the hours and occasionally seeing a movie together sounds lame as shit… I live it right now and it is… fucking dumb… Maybe you could say the same about having sex all afternoon after work but i was having fun dammit… Which is to say, my ex was never my reason for living… i don’t have a choice it seems… Just if i am to be alive… it would’ve been cool to keep kicking it with her… now? ugh… whatever happens, happens… i’ll make the best of it… you’d think it’d take longer for a face that brought me joy to bring pain… nothing better… nothing quite as painful… i’d say “great job hell” but the way y’all feel the need to relentlessly pat yourselves on the back about it shows it was more of a fluke than intentional…

Power is a funny thing… because it doesn’t give one taste or tact… Often times a powerful person will want to be congratulated… Some times these accomplishments are quite gauche. The thought loop is one i often went through with my grammy.

“honestly i’m not that jealous and i wouldn’t have done half the shit you did”

“you couldn’t if you tried”

“well yeah but you had a different enviroment… what I’m saying is i don’t like the way you do things”

“but this is how things got to be like this”

“again… not a fan… and i do a shitload of chores for you”

“well you can leave if you don’t like it”

and as soon as i was off probation, I did and never looked back… i am not going to leave the planet on one of those bastard’s rockets so remind me why i have to be alive… My buddy midnight wanderer had a friend who blew his brains out… apparently his girlfriend might have been egging him on… i wouldn’t want to put Midnight through that again… NOR DO I WANT TO LIVE THROUGH A MEASLES OUTBREAK!!!

I was leaving alaska back in 2023 and one of the local men was trying to get me to stay… Lotta closet cases in that town… This guy was open about it… had a crush on my ex’s walking piggy bank in uniform… I tell the guy I’m never coming back and he goes

“please stay”

“no”

“i’m not asking you. I’m telling you”

“no”

“okay, i’m not telling you. I’m begging you”

“no”

“Fine then… Don’t come back”

This is the same guy who was quoted as saying “I’m gay but my brothers beat the faggot out of me.” shit… they should’ve even if he was straight… Only faggots think it’s about that… Same guy who got a row of teeth knocked out over the course of 5 fights started by him telling the same racist joke… That’s the place she prefers… so good luck… Part of me thinks it’s my fault for drunkenly razzing her about being a tour guide after a season and a half… plenty of secrets to unlock apparently… meanwhile… my life has been hot garbage ever since… definitely worth leaving and things have only gotten worse here… So i don’t even think she messed up really. I had a dream back in alaska, I was talking to a tan woman at a lodge similar to the one i was working at. An old guy came down complaining about my smoke… I noticed he had a monster can full of butts… told him it was his problem… Now i am that man… The world has largely reacted as i did in that dream and i don’t blame them… People aren’t reading this unless they have to… Which is crazy… Legitimately unfunny racists have millions of views and i’m funny and my bigotry is actually well thought out… I get maybe 3 page views a day and that comes from what most can agree is an insane amount of engagement on social media… with original content… i guess it’s true what they say, “just because you’re unique, doesn’t mean you’re useful.” That’s not a call to ellicit pity… you had your chance to pity me… lol… like i can control that…

Nor can i control my attraction to someone. The body works different from the mind. My mind has to remind my body when it wants to feel what it remembers, that it leads to the feeling my body’s running from… which is the longing in the first place… Using that power against me is pathetic and annoying… i hate when anyone does that… “oh you’re crazy about me… well would you… ________?” But to have NOT EVEN HER… not even the woman herself… just a fleeting whim pretending to be or know her… tell me… to write… paint… sing… travel… dance… and talk at length about a form of love I don’t even believe in, in the hopes of one day having the same kind of comfort i felt 12 freaking years ago… wow… and people wonder why i don’t want to be alive… Not to mention BOTH TIMES we broke up she literally said “i want to leave you without hope.” Nice of her to think i had any to start… So “hopefully” for the last fucking time… I understand our relationship is toxic… She feels like “part of this” in a way no one else does… i don’t “owe” her anything… we have bad blood… I’m not reaching out… this isn’t about her… i’m just noting the ways in which she has been and continues to be used against me by forces i don’t quite understand, even if that is my own faulty pattern recognition… I do the same with cars on the road and other friends… My roomate literally asked “what if i’m who you have to talk to when you die?” the man himself? cool… the voice that’s been in my head that tagged along with azy? awful… When my ex and i started hanging out again she mentioned her favorite band was now ajr and played “3 o clock things” for me. I’d like to make it known… i never ran from my ex… i walked away at the airport sure but i was told to stand down… i always came back… I do blame her parents for a lot of this… they grew up here too, so we’re back to the culture… what a trash line though “Would you go running if you saw the real me?” Nah champ, everyone already knows you’re fake as fuck and we love ya anyway… With all of that being said, I did enjoy my ex’s company and there was a time i said i’d never do drugs and i’ve been stoned for almost 15 years and loving that aspect of life… what a joy it is to have a smoke… I’m gonna have one right now… Some people say that’s my problem and to them i say… If this is me kneecapped, why would you want to see the beast unleashed? There’s no mercy… Being sober isn’t gonna change the political climate or vast swaths of pollution that have me hating my species in the first place… You can’t pizza party this away…

14:08

this spliff is sooooooo good… such a giggle fit going… might trace another naked lady but my wrist is fucking up… i crocheted too much too young… well and holding the mouse down…

That’s the beauty of this plan… desire is suffering or something… In either case i can’t want things for some reason? i get it and then turns real bad… The more I want to accomplish something or the more fun i have with it, the more difficult it becomes to do that… i do not know why, nor do i care to find out… So all i care about is making this house ep… there is nothing more in this world that i crave… women could distract me and i’d be racked with guilt over not listening to my music more… Woe is me that i am so so so soooooooo addicted to smoking that i can hardly put the smokes down… not to mention my perversions… So sad that i have been led into such temptation when all a little lad like myself wants is to be making house music… oooooo…. orange you glad my blog isn’t this?

Instead it’s like… “how come i gotta be working with a lady who is like my ex in appearance but taller? I told you I’m not trying to think about this shit” not her fault… Besides… i’m past body type attraction. Some people get stuck there their whole lives… After that it’s lifestyle or chemistry maybe… Some get lost in mythical thought about love at first sight or something… I’m kinda content to just stay in wrecking ball mode till this life of mine is over… I can’t flip the switch back… Another call… hospice nurse has my ex’s name… it’s my aunt’s birthday and i picked up some one with her full maiden name today… spooky…

nothing interesting to report… dead person’s name was one of sneak’s aliases… I guess the VA is outsourcing some funeral services… makes sense i guess… they chose the online service we work with… This is life and death now… Good luck having both you and your mom make it out of the hospital… dodge bullets for 12 years… go into debt for another 4-6… work the debt off… or skip the debt by dodging more bullets for another 4 years… maybe see some sights… try again with your own… at the end, here’s a bed, someone will be coming shortly and the ashes will be sent back in 3 weeks… deepest condolences… thank you for serving your country, soldier…

My ex and I were on a call one time. She got a flat at the funeral home. During the call, the grandson said “this is just so trippy” and in agreement i replied “right?” like one’s home dawg might. My ex abruptly tried to cover. We were snuggling in bed afterwards, joking about professionalism and how funny it would be if we showed up with the rim scraping along the driveway, asking for a jack… “uhh her name is christine…” It got to where we were laughing about putting the dead lady’s head on the flat tire instead of the pillow… like i said… she’s everywhere… That’s the other huge bummer about this… I know some one gets it… they just have other priorities… which is my problem with them… Not because they have those other priorities but MAN DID THEY COME OUT OF NOWHERE ALL OF A SUDDEN… after a month of little to no contact after talking every day for like… you know what…? roll clip… This job has always kind of sucked… but it’s a duty we seemed to feel called to and my job before going insane and landing back at this was supposedly her dream job… mine too if i’m being honest… maybe not once the pain pills and cocaine came into play but anyone who’s worked a kitchen knows how that goes… different industry… same kind of people… I didn’t get into this profession for her… I was just bored of pizza… But ever since i got in, it’s just less and less… At the beginning it may have sucked but we were in the shit together… now it just sucks and i don’t even believe in the company… i’m just making some rich shithead money… typing thoughts because they won’t just let me fucking enjoy my last smoke of the night… and i already jerked off twice so… why don’t you go look at the racial discrepancy in maternal mortality during childbirth? real bummer…

2025.3.4

Therapy. We talked about reconciling the violent caged animal behind the wheel of the camera van and the ordinary human seeking connection and community…

21:40

pirate radio through the state of the union and wow… we’re cooked… good thing i’m refried beans in this bitch. At least one guy stood up… it’s like loki’s thing in that one movie… i dunno… trying not to get lost in mystic thought… i keep thinking lisa people / lizard people is something but once again the clones thought they were way more important than they are… much like flowers grow from shit… physics happens… i don’t think there’s a being that could “destabilize things” but municipal water will suffer if education funding is cut…

2025.3.5

hell continues but super happy and i are getting better at this. I was showing the glowies how we worked by super happy priming me with songs in my head and then stuff happening around that… Then there was a teachable moment about not over promising and under delivering… Hopefully, they learned it… essentially, this family was waiting to see their autopsied teenage boy. I said it’d be 20 minutes to a half hour and looked at my gps to find more like 50 minutes… This led to the funeral director calling back and me blaming construction instead of my poor estimation… That’s a good time to know what a person wants… if someone wants a quick time to shoot off to their boss, as is normally the case, a little lie is just business as usual. If someone wants to tell a family accurately when their dead family member is going to be there, best not to make myself and the funeral home look incompetent… One could say “the boss wants an accurate time too” but in my experience, that’s to tell someone else to make something look good and high enough up the chain (a step or two) i stop giving a fuck about that… it’s all lies anyway… That’s why i like small business… the boss just wants to run the business… They aren’t secretly hollowing out assets to fill their own bank account before moving on to the next acquisition…

The place i picked the kid up at was once a treasured journey, but now has been experienced more times alone… A place where my ex tried to let me down easy by saying she had been in a relationship of some sort since she was 14 and needed time alone… a place where we would get omelettes wrapped in waffles… Where I first found shashibos… Better to have those thoughts about someone far way than a dead kid, i suppose… Much rather be a divorce than a widow… Sorry Fallout Boy… way off on that one… Another reason i didn’t want kids… can’t be having this “do not go gentle into that good night”… Luckily Ida is about as suicidal as i am… Amy gets bummed though… Ellie, gets it but is tired of the yelling… Azy has been kinda chillin and lurking about, trying to get a handle on things… Lisa is trying to apologize but going about it super poorly… Max pops in and out and is dealing with some esteem things… Wesley has been suspiciously absent and i was telling the glowies I’m trying to figure out if he’s yahweh or if yahweh is trying to pretend to be the thing that Wesley thought he was… When this whole “holy ghost” thing solidified back in april, i thought it was time to ruck up in churches and give the power back to the people! I’m sure a dumbass claiming to be the final piece in christianity’s puzzle comes in off the street every other week… But not knowing what I’m dealing with is a mess… If it’s Wesley and his messengers, I’m kinda fucked… He’s a clone of Ellie gone mad with ego… Unstoppable in a way and stubborn as… literally all hell… If it’s a separate thing then what the kids are with its own origins, that’s just fascinating… incredibly annoying but there’s a chance it can be reasoned with or killed… Side note, why is it putting “i might have to murder you” on the table such a hindrance to reasoning with someone? If, as i suspect, Priests have formed their own sort of feedback loop where “god” is really other priests patting themselves on the back in thought, then there really is no point in talking to any of them… For me at least… I don’t go to church or AA or a sports bar or anything… The key to life as a human is meet with other humans at least once a week… Everyone who does this sees some level of success… They all come together for different myths, stories, and rituals, but it’s their rituals and it works if you work it. I some how ended up too anti social and shy for that… The one place i had like that ended up getting ruined for me by a guy who ask for rides, texted me relentlessly, and couldn’t hold a conversation… As stated in my videos, metal illness is a curiosity of mine and i wanted to know if he was always that way or if something happened… A little of both it seemed but my curiosity was taken as amiability and friendship. I started showing up less… I remind myself of that guy now… yikes… Not as far gone but gone in a similar fashion… Same way i have delusions of grandeur but not like ray… and whatever kanye has but I’m funnier…

I set up some boots and cats so i could mess around on the keyboard… did that for about 10 minutes… might as well leave that up… my right wrist hurts from the grey ladies… my left forearm on the other hand ;)… jk lol that rate hasn’t changed much… It’d be funny if “puss in boots” is a person messing up beat boxing like “cake by the ocean(sex on the beach)”

okay… so… nexpo has a new podcast… this is eerie… it’s a story like the one i told but real… kinda like all the stories people tell about misinterpretations of my life… that’s how that happens… there nair bear hair in the highest…

i don’t have a place for this sample but it’s fire… like i said, influencer’s influencer… show how the poor do so the pros can polish…

Things are spicy on my end lol… I’ve been texting these to the presidential hotline… Friend i cut off just cussed me out, out of nowhere… I’ve played inscription… i ain’t scurred… the cards are a metaphor for memes right?

The cussing out could be two things… Either something happened to his friend that i was incompatible with… or… it’s because i asked his old roommate if their landlord had died. I asked the roommate because apparently someone walked into to Trevor’s pizza shop and mentioned someone with that name dying who worked at cosmo’s. I used to be friends with his brother and i played disc golf with the guy a few times… I had this recording of all of us tripped out on acid after a phish show but that’s on my broken hard drive…

22:14

10 more minutes of piano… left hand practice… dealing with a fun bout of floating pinky when i play with my middle and ring finger. kind of fun to try and over come that. Gonna take more than 10 minutes though. I used to have a voice training app. Singing never made sense to me because I was told to practice scales but i never learned what hitting a note was in the first place. Up through and including college… That app drilled the feeling into me. Never got a whole scale though… 5 note run at best and descending was even worse… Might’ve gotten lucky improvising over “joy to the world” but descending mi-re-do killed me… I have a song that says i never really liked my voice and i’d rather smoke… Life has taken me up on that offer with the addition of screaming for hours on end at my phone and camera for months… no real formal training in that; however, haven’t screamed myself entirely horse yet. Now my fingers make noise… I wouldn’t say they feel great doing it.

Apparently my xvideos password is compromised… again… loving the attention i’m getting…

2025.3.6

I was going to bed last night thinking “i’ll probably get a call right now” and i did but my phone got muted somehow so i missed it. This morning my manager said “i’d hate to have to write somebody up.” She’s already pushed me out once, I know it could happen again. Frankly getting fired makes me more excited than staying. I’m trying to figure out if i can go back to my old job but my friend there said the boss found an old mistake they made which is why my ex wasn’t invited back… So my friend is saying it’s not a good time to try and apply. Also… I’m still being spied on. I left because i was talking a lot of trash about dead people and figured a bunch of footage of me with body parts could be use to push the satanism angle… Now i’ve got enough written and enough people have seen it, that i think I could go back and if the cops hassled us, we’d be in a documentary… Whole world’s gone to hell… I’m not apoligizing for being able to handle death to a degree most can’t and it’s cool that the people i worked with are even more comfortable than i am. I’ve seen shit that would make soldiers turn… So have they… And that’s nothing compared to the torture of corporate speak. WHAT A TERRIBLE USE OF LANGUAGE. Fucking hell, every time it’s “well consequences would-” shut the fuck up!!! Talk to me like a normal fucking person. “Hey don’t let it happen again” “do better next time” “c’mon dumbass, we’ve been through this” but NOOOOOOOOO decades of harassment lawsuits have board members thinking it’s their WORDS that get them in trouble… IT’S THE FACT THAT YOU DON’T KEEP YOUR EMPLOYEES SAFE AND TRY AND FUCK THEM WHEN THEY WANT SOMETHING…. THAT’S WHY YOU GET HARASSMENT AND MISTREATMENT LAWSUITS, RETARDS… See? i could use any set of words and you’d have a problem with that you back of the pack, yellow snow eating, avalanche causers… If your intentions are to enslave, it doesn’t matter how slick you are, because you aren’t. There will always be pushback… and not the kind i get from your mom’s ass when she wants my dick deeper…

midnight… went to a show with my friends. It was really fun! I walked out to snow… it was another one of those karma things… weak really. i said my peace. here’s the thing… Boyfriends know real quick if you want to fuck their girlfriend when you don’t treat them as a couple… if you wanna go to a show… invite both… Nothing those boyfriend’s can really do. I suppose one doesn’t have to be slick… Paul, I fucked your girlfriend for 6 months while she shared your bed on weekends, you faggot. For what it’s worth I was jealous the whole time… You suck Paul… Fuck you forever. Mitchell… I walked right into her work and kissed her… you couldn’t keep her safe… she kept you safe… Parents… you know she doesn’t like people handling y’alls business… not my place to talk… ARE WE FUCKING DONE? That’s not aimed at her but whatever within and without me that wants to read this… how embarrassing…

my dad got fired off a drug test once and i swear if i get a “now it’s your turn to-” i quit. I’m not taking the test. I’ll just be real… start a 420 friendly death service… blaze out… I have enough this check to get another tattoo session… After that, Medical bills and moving… that can happen with another job… Clearly i can go almost a year between sessions, but who can focus on that when the real goal is house music? Could i just straight up post a Craigslist add for the drugs that are legal in my state or will i totally get arrested? I could show up with a baggy of mushrooms and weed… some edibles… mead perhaps… just really help people come to grips… i wanted to do that with my grammy but the one time she did mushrooms, she took too much and locked herself in a port-a-potty… HAHAHAHAHAHA… well bummer… but… HAHAHAHAHA… i dunno… old folks be hopped up on god knows what from the sacklar sack… suppose trip sitting would be a fun way to get closer to the bone zone… If you or someone you know is dying in denver and y’all wanna trip about it, 424 242 3817 is the holy ghost’s google voice… Religious exemptions! I can’t resist… she would be so down, you don’t even fucking know, parents… LET HER BLOOM!!!!

it’d be like 1000 bucks, up to 5 people… 30 min-hr of making sure you want to… tea… then i’ll chill and walk you through metaphysics for 6 hours with trippy youtube videos… i’m well versed in hallucinogens and death… i can get first aid certified… i’m cremation certified… Plus, assisted suicide is legal in this state and mushrooms are decriminalized… Coke is a no go… old people have more access to opiods than i do… i have an adverse reaction to them so i don’t/can’t take em… So… above board here really… and the united states is dissolving (?) so no better time to act local… like as if local laws are the only ones that matter… You can get doula certified and believe me, there’s nothing i’d rather do then spend hundreds of dollars on 8 hrs of content and access to a professional network… meaning I would rather do nothing… if that’s not an option, okay… I should hit up the church of cannabis… Focus on the family won’t return my texts… because i cuss them out in each one… who needs fire and brimstone when blackrock and space x are doing it for me?

that Kweli show got me wanting to rap again…

2025.3.7 proper:

it’s easy to talk a big game… Moose… okay… I have like $30 to make it to next friday if i want to go all 4 hrs in the chair on tuesday… I also have $30 bucks on a gas station gift card… I don’t know who this is supposed to relate to… Billionaires? All the money in the world but still over extending themselves somehow? I think some people are addicted to stress in a way that most of us aren’t so they take on too much responsibility and others enable them because why deal with that shit yourself?

Speaking of not enjoying things… Some one got fired or quit from my job… So now i can work SEVEN days a week… if i want to… In the van with the camera i hate… Which is awesome because while cussing out mitchell in alaska, i told him it was bullshit that everyone was working seven days a week… I stand by it… that town was bullshit… So is seven days a week anywhere… I’ve been through this before… The scientist broke up with me for only working two days a week while she worked seven and then covid left me as the only day driver at the pizza shop, working just as much as she did… It’s pretty stupid the way “the gods” are already out of tricks. Just the same shit. Kinda like racism… No new jokes… just really irritating and upsetting that they keep doing it… Makes one wonder why one is alive… For these assholes? And that is the goal right? be Irritating and upsetting to demoralize what one wants work out of? Shit, they do the same to horses. I’m not saying I understand anyone else’s experience. I’m saying the way my life throws these “challenges of integrity” my way reminds me of racist jokes I see on 4chan, lazy and contrived without any understanding of the subject matter… You know jimbo, they saw someone else post it, so they do. “hello fellow whites. don’t kill me in the race war. i supported the current thing.” In my life, these trials usually go something like “remember how this hurt you? would you do the same to another?”, “You called out a person on this. Aren’t you doing the same?”, “you mock others for their failures but could it be that you are afraid of your own?” and it’s exhausting… Yeah it hurt when my ex pushed me away… this is seven yrs later… me typing about how certain things she did were not cool is not the same… also those guys can eat shit. Yeah i called out a guy named nick for getting a back tattoo instead of raising his kids… Lisa’s book is pretentious and this is about as much… it’s not the same. Nick complained about how the mom was raising the kid… Lisa kidnapped the daughters and pulled some evil stepmother shit… i wasn’t even alive for that… Furthermore, I’m not claiming Lisa… That’s Amy’s mistake… If Lisa feels unloved, take up with Amy or don’t, you abusive cunt. Lastly, Yes. I don’t enter contests or do the rigamarole to accomplish most things… Rejection hurts. That being said, I DON’T KNOW ANYBODY. There’s no one to do anything for… Again, i have like six friends i regularly talk to, meaning weeks apart. They all want some vague “hope you’re doing well” shit. Nothing specific like my mom, grammy, dad, teachers, friends, and colleagues growing up. There was always some scheme going on. Mom wanted college. Grammy wanted me to be artistic and famous. Dad wanted help with the boat. Teachers assigned homework. Friends found couches and flammable stuff… Colleagues had fun ideas for songs and art projects. Now? Mom wants to know what the dermatologist said but that’s just a bill to pay for good news. Been avoiding that… Grammy’s dead. Dad’s a punk and I’ll level his ass if i see him. I can’t afford school right now and i don’t know the best way to a med license. Could skip it entirely. Friends i already mentioned and my colleagues only speak to me on house calls so that’s five minutes of conversation maximum. Trevor keeps making art and music so i guess i will to? I was already and one would think we could do it together but it mostly is just us making things on our own and showing each other. So when it comes to being “afraid of my own failures”, unless it’s physically falling off something, I’m literally only worried about what other people will do. I’ve crocheted hats since i was nine or ten and there is no perfect crocheted hat, but people don’t see it that way. They love em. I’ve gotten “i still have that hat” over a decade after i gave it to the person. Similarly, there is no perfect taking a dead person off a family’s hands. If i worried about every failure or mistake, i’d be more of a wreck than i already am. Yet, i’ve fixed cars. I do worry about those fixes failing. There does come a time to really make sure one is doing things properly.

Which brings us to the constant conversation of “what really is important?” Clearly any government doesn’t want mad cow disease on the rise, but in a world with as many allergies as we have, food labels only go so far. I found out by accident pork isn’t good for me. I went vegetarian and felt better, reintroduced meats one by one back into my diet, and was astounded by the difference between pork and beef. Chicken I can definitely over do and feel terrible but two slices of meat lovers pizza puts me in a stupor. Plus i kinda have chronic nausea and other elements of my diet don’t help that… All legal… I can buy it and read the label but it is killing me faster than whole foods… Beats malnutrition i suppose… I appreciate the extra 4 inches to my height… Also, chubby ladies are the best… So it’s probably important to label things like gluten free or nut free… but that’s an advertising thing, not a government mandate. Frankly, what goes on food labels is incredibly arbitrary… like “fats” means what exactly? No trans fats, but how many kinds of saturated fats are there? I can name three types of sugar off the top of my head but i don’t know what the difference is. Some how I found a way to keep moving and not feel completely sick all the time… We have a contingent of people on this planet that think billionaires racing to mars is more important than women having access to healthcare at any stage of family planning… They think a road to passive income through land ownership is more important than the wretches their culture spawned having a place in that culture… That’s diseased… These men willing run towards death. A desolate wasteland that doesn’t even have air! They think they are owed Eden and fail to see the Elephant graveyard lain before them. Why the fuck is that important? because each one of those rockets could’ve been an apartment complex instead. But that’s not exciting. We’re too good at that. That and we’re not afraid of our failures.

What i am afraid of is umm… feelings i guess… I adore aspects of Leana Lovings and there is a podcast interviewing her about her career. Why am I more comfortable watching that woman take three dicks than i am hearing her speak for an hour? I paid the tattoo fee so gotta cut down on soda consumption. Sleep deprived. Gonna find another lady to grey up and face my fears.

past the intro: way different kind of feeling but just as palpable. bizarre.

in the interview: getting past christian guilt… i still think mixed family incest degrades social bonds… but again…

nope nope nope… okay this is exactly what i was afraid of… She’s going all pink pony club and i’m not gonna complain to the site, but i will here. Believe me I have busted many a nuts to her. I can’t abide by this. I can’t abide by “religion teaches you a set of rules. I used to only experience sex through fan fiction and getting nude online” and not realize that those spaces did THE SAME THING. they enforced rules and said certain things are okay and encouraged. Things like step daughters fucking their step dads. it isn’t cool. Sex positivity is one thing. Turning relationships of mentorship and authority into sex symbols plays right into the hand of the oppressor. My friend had a step brother who would try and spy on her in the shower and it creeped her the fuck out. i participated in incest and the memories are one of the reasons I’m suicidal. The lady who raped me did too! I can’t believe it came to that. Maybe this is a me problem. Like i said this isn’t stuff that should’ve been made public. There’s worse in the bible. i just hate being the one that people point at when they discuss these things. Perhaps that’s the fear of the podcast. Several of these emotions are going to come up and i can’t steer. It’s just gas and brakes. The more gas, the more hazards. Too much brakes, my imagination will fill in the gaps.

Gas: The bdsm section is not where i thought it would go. Informative and understandable. Really emphasizing consent and how sex and intimacy go beyond penetration. Rightious. Not my experience with bdsm but that’s why we listen to others.

Brakes: Listening to the full body tie story and being reminded of my past. Found myself saying out loud “no, i don’t want to do this. Please leave me alone.” I have a call to be at in 45 minutes… might just leave this be for now. I just do not understand life. People get so much pleasure and nicety out of it and my nicest times are scars now. I’m realizing I’ll never be able to trust anyone the way she trusts her friends. plenty of dead people to carry though. I really wanna hit myself in the face right now… gonna smoke instead… if i get fired… I’ll keep writing… sorry y’all… sorry future me…

Cried: i get the same feeling listening to this as i did Chance the Rapper’s “Coloring Book.” How great is God? Religious kids beat me up and made one of my exes suicidal so not that great. BDSM and the Porn community are awesome. Uhh… they clearly brainwashed you and you’re one of the top grossers… How many women try to follow in your footsteps and end up in company that DOESN’T value consent or worse…. this…

Back from the call: That was a doosy and i’m kinda over fear facing so let me quickly explain why porn is cool and mixed family incest is not. Porn is the x games of sex. If you can take a huge dildo or hold a girl upside down while she blows you… AWESOME!!! WHAT?! That’s every bit as cool as snowboard tricks or ballet. Have a novel idea like a fuck machine, a dildo on snowman, or a yoga ball with a vagina? Weird but fun! Plot has never mattered to me because i’ve never had it happen randomly. Sure I saw some breasts as a pizza guy but anyone i’ve had sex with has been “we’re on good terms. Do you want sex?” If you and friends/ partners want to show the world your bodies, pretty much every type is fun to look at. Just know that under ~25 people think you’re an idiot and want to push you past where you want to go… that never lets up but people get more scared of you. That’s why age of consent laws exist, to give you cops when you feel vulnerable… Good time to mention, one can get past trauma and go on to have good times… We just shouldn’t have to… it’s a lot of fucking work while you’re not fucking…

Mixed family incest goes against the very institution. The whole point of a step family is they aren’t your biological family but you treat them like they are. You stick up for them. You listen during the tough times. You break bread nightly. The porn says “they really aren’t though. You should introduce irreversible complications to that situation” and where is that effect felt? On single mothers trying to keep their kids safe. Single mothers who can’t trust any men out there ESPECIALLY if they have sons. That and teen girls who are taught that is part of love and may wonder why their step never does that… even though we’re all glad he doesn’t… especially that girl in the future… So it’s hard for me to hear someone who has made mixed family incest porn champion consent when we know consenting to a step parent really isn’t that. That goes double for hearing how she was a church teen full of christian guilt that fell into bdsm, like my ex. Hell hath no new tricks. I can do that… I raped your mom in the ass and she begged for more. it was that good. Feel happy? I said she liked it… I’m not her son. You should be horny. Deep down, isn’t there a part of you that kind of enjoys talk like this? Plenty of other women your age do… do you feel that kind of tingle? that’s the arousal… not shock and adrenaline… and scene. For fucks sake Ms. Lovings’ backstory is describing grooming 101… Same thing she did happened to belle daphine quite literally… And jessie slaughter… and countless more I’m sure… Good thing school is online these days… Girls and their webcams… hey worked out for Ms. Lovings. She’s got more trust in her life and more people she’s comfortable having sex with than i do.

J and I got into a small fight. Dispatch routed the call to me. I gave an eta. Dispatch changed the call to J in charge. I show up. J got the wrong address and was 40 minutes away. She has cut me out of two calls prior to this. She had another call to the same drop off though and lives west of the drop off… I was east of the drop off at the correct address. When i was new the same thing happened to me. The lady who was my senior at the company was really chill, we had the most embarrassing call, and had a smoke afterwards to talk about what could’ve gone better. What happened today was J said i was impatient and couldn’t take care of stuff myself so i said “watch me” and did the call without her. Given the history, i was not pulling any punches. Frankly, I’m relieved to air some of that out there. She’s said some pretty belittling things on call at people’s houses and so, a chance to stand my ground and show my competence, was needed… Unfortunately, i showed my ass in the process, metaphorically.

we good spirits? Or should we talk about a man who sold his wife to the king by pretending to be her brother? Did we already talk about “the pagemaster?” My buddy Luke was talking about it as I started to get back on my feet. We all know the movie. Adventure, horror, fairy tale… If one is smart… they don’t let the vast majority of their mercenaries get to fairy tale… Prop up martyrs and promise cake… Now you’re thinking with portals… With a body and mind destroyed by adventure and horror… I don’t even want fairy tale… I want end. Perfectly broken. Worked so hard, doesn’t even want a reward. Just more back tattoo… But why let whatever wanted to get away with it, do so? Maybe because of that awesome “focus on the family” tee up for today but wayyyyyy not worth it… this is still torture… my appetite is gone and i need to eat… If i don’t eat i can’t exercise and if i can’t exercise the excess energy turns into rage… and the atrophied shoulders might dislocate… but yeah… let’s keep discussing my sexual past while i get in fights… So much better than the house music i’m supposedly working on… You know what? I know this reduces the pool quite drastically, but if you’ve done mixed family incest porn after you read this or something similar, don’t come to my cuddle club… BUT DO CHOOSE US FOR YOUR END OF LIFE CARE/ CAREER GOALS! We’ve all made a mistake for the sake of our “art” so i understand a slip up or two… and those groomers are so convincing… but you gotta wake up sometime… shit’s gross.

22:07

J and i are in trouble for our fight. I thought we were having fun but apparently was wrong. J is a black woman if you couldn’t tell. She’s from Chicago and has been doing this ever since high school. She’s on top of things and can pretty much get a gurney where ever. I’m a white dude who’s been here 30 out of 32 years on this earth. We have different approaches to the job. This could be settled by a conversation or two but now families, funeral homes, and our coworkers have seen our sass. I am a messy bitch after all… We done? Can i get a text now? No? Okay… Death care is sexist and racist. It was started after the civil war in this country, according to midnight gospel. More often than not, we’re dealing with people in their 50’s and 60's, losing parents. Those people often have ideas about “strapping young lads” doing work like this. Nope! Sorry world… In america, the women work harder than men. Anyone who thinks women aren’t fit for the military is bad at talking to women. As I am neutral in these affairs, they tell me about calls where dudes are being outright sexist to them. My biggest complaint with J is that she’s said things that question my competence on calls. She’s getting that from the families. She’s getting that from corporate. Also she’s from chicago so sometimes she’ll say something that makes complete sense but these older folks aren’t ready for it because they speak like me. Stepping on her toes at a house call might seem to question her competence, which is not what i want to do. I think she’s really good at what she does and deserves the respect of the people she serves, the people she works for, and the people she works with. So if she’s talking smack, I respect that she can get it just as much as she can dish it out. Apparently this isn’t the first time work conversations got heated and maybe that other fool started in on some bullshit, but i was just glad to be able to razz somebody who wasn’t a stranger on a screen. The struggle is real out here, if we can’t unload on each other, who do we have? Today they fired a father for driving with his daughter and dog in the van… Fucking cameras… They updated the driver app and now it asks for a rating… “Do you like your mandatory lie training? Do you feel that we’re making it easy to lie to everyone about how safe we are?” I thought we were doing LESS regulation with trump. Or is that just food safety and capital gains tax? I used to have a coworker who had her dog in the van at all times. My ex and i used to take each other on calls when one of us was off. One time, we hot boxed a van at a managers going away party with half of the transport team and some concrete side guys. Did a call right after. The pizza shop was like that too, until the owners brother took over… less fun ever since… My ex liked this job the most when she first got there and everyone left before i started… She thought she owed them a year… So while it is less fun without her, we were seeing each other while worked a she different job too, plus alaska 2022 long distance… Berkshire Hathaway ruined this job like elon did twitter and we really have to start breaking up big companies in america… This goal of constant growth makes life tragic. All the fun gets sapped from it and you’re still hot boxing… just alone… away from the cameras… That’s what i like about J… She seems like me in that she’s seem so much judgement, it’s better to jump from 0 to 100 to show those people who’s boss… Which is great until it is your boss or customer. I came out the gate basically cussing out the driver app people and was immediately reprimanded for it. They said they wouldn’t read my complaints there so i’m in the clear here… I dunno… I don’t like being that guy and maybe she doesn’t like being that girl but one can have fun with it and i was today, until it got sooooo serious… $50 is $50 bucks though…. That amount got my dad’s ass kicked in a compton trap house.

00:54

vindicated again. Only made it 8:44 into the podcast with Ms. Lovings. Probably longer than i could last with her! heyooooo!!! Kinda makes me interested in Coco Lovecock’s story… that lady seems troubled in a way… Like this is her revenge… you gotta see her take it up the butt, it’s haunting… and hot but haunting… Funny story about her… This one time my dad mentioned he was glad i’m not a girl… He meant he was glad i wasn’t trans… it’s just not worth it when photoshop can be my mirror… I found a Coco Lovecock video on the vr channels one night… Looked her up and she was mid 20’s… that guy totally would’ve molested me… my family snuggled damn near up to teen years and earlier was on the table on that basement computer… ugh… Luckily there’s ladies like her that will hopefully persuade some step dad’s otherwise… It’s just a lot… That’s what makes it fun for me… She’s so over the top it’s amazing… and terrifying… weirdest boner… so that’s a conflict of interest when she does mixed family incest… c’mon…

2025.3.8

A playboy joke… A man and his son are talking about who’s had the most sex. They agree to walk through town snapping anytime one sees a woman they’ve had sex with. They see the baker, father snaps. They see the Lady handing out samples at the mall, the son snaps. They get through down and they’re dead even. When they arrive home the dad smirks, looks, at the wife, and snaps… The son snaps three times and the dog hides under the table.

My point is if one finds a bunch of women getting fucked by dogs on the internet it causes one to wonder… really glad i didn’t go down that road… But when I was a kid, I saw porn and thought “well if they like it, i might too.” Those videos don’t come with disclaimers about why animals can’t give consent… A bitch? yeah i imagine they wouldn’t want a human dick… Whatever dude dogs are called though, they’re horny right? So they want it? Oddly enough we treat real dudes like this. Believe me i like sex, but i’ve still been pressured into ways i don’t like it and having it when i didn’t want to. I’ve done the same to others. Putting all this out there is scary because it might be the thing that leads to eternal ick when looking at me… I definitely have it when thinking of my past. I just think we could ease up on everyone… We don’t need to do this much. Food isn’t expensive… the price is being jacked up and the ones doing it think jacking off is either the problem or a way to weed out losers. I just don’t know why the dog runs under the table every time they get mentioned. that’s a “screwed the pooch” joke for my friends at monsanto.

we haven’t even made it to 20 plays yet. let’s lie and say they’re all at 18.

11:00

Just thought of putting my phone on my heater to fuck with the glowies… hahahaha. Heater go “brrrrrrrrrr”… I love having a tv older than 2015 and a computer without a webcam…

Kinda realizing all we have is “i’m okay so it’s okay” and “i’m not so it’s not” and it’s gets whiddled down to stuff that may or may not matter. I’ll be real. I’m on good terms with my rapist… She amended her ways very quickly after that. Probably going to the grave against half my family… I’m gonna keep on keepin on… Still a person… Still waking up… I made a joke about a hostage negotiation involving a dog last night. Today… Someone i follow saw a dog get hit by a car… Thanks, dog Jesus… This is a thing i’ve been thinking about for a while… If a guy says he’s gonna kill a hostage every time someone eats a donut hole and i’m there with a bag of donut holes, it’s not my fault hostages are dying, right? I understand the ensuing curfuffle will be on my end and may result in some people we’re working together but no… I don’t know this man or his problem with donut holes. This is a free country dammit. The process of making donuts leaves holes and those taste just as good out of the fryer. I’m helping reduce food waste and i will not be held hostage by those hostages. Suddenly, I’m the one on the tracks and and the crowd is pulling that lever to get the trolly away from those hostages. What the fuck? Similarly, The joke i told was “if a man is holding a dog and a gun, don’t say something that could mean ‘shoot the dog’” and it seems like some god is saying “BUT YOU DID THOUGH. YOU THINK DOGS DYING IS FUNNY” as i wipe my lips and reach for another donut hole…

Here’s a joke my dad used to tell me. A man is walking along with a tourist. The man points to well and mentions he dug it. The tourist asks to see more. The man points to a bridge and mentions he built it. The tourist asks for more. Finally they make it to the town square and the man mentions he put the bell in the church tower. The tourist says “you didn’t answer my question.” the man replies “you know you fuck one goat…” I tell it better than him.

Here’s another one he loved. A tourist is at his first baseball game. people keep standing up and the tourist is feeling left out. The man next the tourist explains everyone is cheering on the man running to base. Next time A ball gets hit, the tourist knows to stand, great time. Double! everyone is so happy. Next guy goes up to bat, doesn’t hit the ball but starts walking to base. The tourist gets up and starts chanting “RUN RUN RUN!!!” the guy next to the tourist explains the man doesn’t need to run, he has 4 balls. The tourist remains standing and yells “WALK MY SON!!! WALK WITH PRIDE!!!” My dad tells it better but does an accent…

Here’s one i didn’t understand… Hitler shows up to a nazi’s party and the nazi says “if i knew you were coming i would’ve bbq’d a kite” i know what he meant now but i still don’t get the joke… disgusted as i am, even i could come up with a lazy shishkabob pun… he also once replaced the word rape with race while teaching me about resistors… This led to a fun moment in science class where my teacher thought i blurted out “bad boys rape our young girls but violet goes willingly” black brown red orange yellow green blue voilet grey white. i forgot what they mean in ohms… A nazi noticed hitler was no longer at his party. Another nazi said he had to clean some ketchup off his shirt in his bunker. the curry made it unclean…

here’s what’s funny about that joke… it gets nazi to talk about how they believe indians are descended from aryans so actually hitler wouldn’t do that… lol… what dipshits… What’s funny is if I’m to be believed about the recursive function of the universe than in a way yes… Not the way they thought… bet they did not see that coming… However, that very recursion means everything is descended from everything… What I’m descended from isn’t entirely white on a long enough time scale… whiteness isn’t real by the way… aryan is kind of a meaningless distinction… Race is stupid. Global cultures erased ethnic identity and dividing along racial lines is one of the blurriest ways to distinguish a people… what we’re left with is the naturally occuring class distinction and manufactured racial distinction. I’m more comfortable talking like J than i am talking like my mom because I was raised on hip hop and she’s from chicago. My mom was raised in an immigrant household and became a grade school teacher so she speaks english that people who don’t speak it well can understand. That being said a “manufactured” shiv still adds five years to one’s sentence so I’m not going to act like the racial divide isn’t felt. Funny story… back when i ate lunch meat in sandwiches, ham was better than turkey. When my mom asked for a shopping list i wrote “lunch meat: ham is bomb” and she bought a bunch of turkey thinking “bomb” was bad… Post 9/11 and all… maybe “da bomb” would’ve helped? Given my health, her interpretation is closer to how i feel now, but if i’m putting meat on a sammie it’s microwaved frozen country fried steak with some cheese melted on top… turkey sucks…

i’ll be honest I haven’t read “das capitol” or whatever… i have read “conquest of bread”… not recently though… I’m not an anarchist or communist necessarily. I have a hard time working in a group at all… It’s just pretty obvious if you’re out there. Delivering pizzas, you learn about the areas of town, even within walking distance. 12 blocks takes one from power couples to meth heads… One drives past 4 homeless camps to be met by a lawyer on the 32nd floor of a high rise. Different groups can afford different things and they keep up with those joneses… Same way rocket league is separated in various divisions, capitalism is a game… most notibly signified in tax brackets… the same way one can level up in rocket league and quickly be bested, several stories have been told about people actually being less well off when they move up a bracket after a modest raise. With this in place, it becomes easier to be at the top of any given bracket instead of the bottom of the next highest… Unless you’re crazy… Pretty much everything else is marketing… Blue toys for boys, pink for girls… two mcdonalds ads back to back “ba da bap ba ba” then “b-b-ba *record scratch* dap da dap ba ba i’m l-lovin izzle.” it’s quite silly…

16:06

17:25

i wrote all of that because internalized misogyny also hurts men, ya see… It’s not the women or the men, it’s the structure itself and the people who fall for it. Notice how all those podcasters are STILL MAD? i’m cracking jokes… crying… getting it out there… lezzz gooooo…

22:38

So there I was screaming at peter thiel through the camera in the van, talking about how his mom calls my johnson “big Peter” and him “Little peter,” and and i wanted you to know that because it’s funny. I got to the call and had some time to talk to the hospice nurse while my partner filled out paper work… She did that thing where her face softened up as if suddenly she was interested in more than just passing the time, but didn’t look back after the call. Maybe she didn’t know i was behind the van… She had the name of my suicidal ex. The one before the one I’m always talking about. Coincidentally, that ex’s middle name and the name of my “youngest” daughter. Two funny things about that: My ex said if she ever had a son, she’d name it my middle name. Now hers is my daughters. Also, she named herself. The other two created her to solve their differences and it didn’t work. This is why the “family” aspect of this is so messed up… Theoretically all three crop up whenever whatever that was happens… But like, i create one, who gets copied, and they make a copy to figure out who’s the copy… That being said Ellie and I have spend months getting over our differences and i have not always been nice to her. When she burst onto the scene, I thought she was evil or nefarious or hated me or something. She was really mad I didn’t listen to her and i responded by making fun of her… not a great parent, but who is to voices in their head? Her and I have come a long way though and there’s an elephant statue around the block that i walk past named ely so i think of her a lot. she gets along with the other two but has been “looking after” Amy the whole time and didn’t really get to spend time with ida so wasn’t really interested in hanging out as much. They get along but last i heard, Ellie was chilling with Max a lot. Anyway, the way i conceptualized it was I and Me became I M and E. Which led to looking for “and” which was later determined to be a product of description, not reality… Doesn’t stop things from trying to insist that they “AND” are in fact part of the “original four.” If anything it would be Lisa diving into to try and find the other three… So “E” I kept calling EveSteve… because it’s a funny name… She hated that… HATED THAT… for one the misgendering… Oddly her clone ascribes male to themselves… go figure… but also the implication that she had a hand in what happened in eden and beyond… I don’t know what compelled -

22:58

el… spanish for “the”… is it possible lisa is ellie’s clone instead of the other way around? see this is why I’m glad I’m not writing those books anymore… I’m not making a red string diagram of my theories when i could just listen to the kids… Amy’s here and she said that the clones were them trying to banish evil… part of that was each other… So Amy’s clone became “the” (lisa) based on El, and “A Me” got spat out as We-sley from her jealous sister… HAHAHA… and wesley is red pen so JK rowling… you suck… pay up… Now Amy’s running off to tell her sister… wherever in time and space those bits of unlocalized concious are in whatever they call their lives… scamps…

all three of those being in one person is a lot to be. The guy yelling at the camera, the guy assuming work chat is flirting, and the mother of pixies is all me or past iteration of, Kyle, K-wullums, Keelay Ahsley Wullums the godslayer(get it? like a chicken). It would be cool if there weren’t so many different kinds of people so i didn’t have to act so many ways… Enemies and lovers is stressful… It would be so much more chill to have acquaintances and responsible officials… oh well… I just keep hoping we’ve gotten about as psychotic as one species can get but there probably is not limit to that and it will most likely progress alongside everything else… Hard to know when to just let the world be fucked up and when to do something… NOT! for long… and then there’s all this stuff… radical dives into self and society at large while saying stuff like elon musk’s family had no pattern of male baldness till his daddy met his mom. That douchebag’s mom is so ugly, not only did it make elon musk’s daddy’s hair recede but the hair of his progeny for generations… let’s be honest folks… jokes ain’t rocket science… that’s why i can land em…

23:54

Kinda washing over me how odd it is hoping for a relationship to blossom as you’re witnessing someone become a widow… reminds me of the meme of “a psychic told me I’d experience overwhelming sadness in 15 years… pssh… I’m so happy i bought a puppy!” or this joke: A woman is at her fathers funeral reminiscing with her mother. To her surprise the mother remarks on her sex life. The daughter asks how it was even possible at his age and the mother says “each day he would come into the room at noon, pop a viagra, and move to the rhythm of the church bells. He’d be doing it to this day if it weren’t for that damned ice cream truck.” My grammy always said “if adam and eve(steve) ever came back, the only thing they’d recognize is the jokes.” There were no ice cream trucks in eden… or bells for all we know… what was that lady smoking? “hey evesteve! take a break from helping me name the animals to hear this knee slapper about cardiac arrest and elders over exerting themselves.” Them fools live to like 900 right? Maybe in the later years, they developed a repertoire. Probably something along the lines of “Did you hear the one about the guy who could do anything but stop farting? it’s nothing compared to the man himself.”

01:31

had a dream that i journalled about back when my mom still had her old house. it was this page… the journal for today and yesterday… racing J, going back and forth. a farmer and something staring at me from the second story window. a woman with red hair and green sleeves going by the name “old.” I’m going to go look for it… after this smoke… i should sleep instead. I had to force myself to eat today. only had 500 solid calories by 22:00. Only got another 500 from a second gas station danish. Everything else is soda. Weird how i can feel myself “slipping” but nothing ever “stopped.” i just got better at handling it. perhaps I’ll handle this better too. going to eat some peanut butter. Last therapy session was all about breaking negative cycles. i stopped myself from hitting myself. I’m noticing I’m not eating enough. This is good. Let’s do something about it and see how much sleep can happen after that. My roommate doesn’t sleep sometimes when she’s stressed. it’s funny to bump into her when we’re both tweaked at 2 am, in our own separate stresses but understanding of each other’s space.

3:03

how did that take an hour? didn’t find it… there was a time I ripped out almost everything but raps and drawings out of my highschool and college spirals… good! Milo from Miniminuteman made fun of elipses and said it was a boomer way of typing… good… maybe they’ll read this and the kids will stay away… i was protecting myself and i didn’t even know… it…

3:40

one shouldn’t live their life to spite or avoid something. I keep getting lost in the smoke and thinking about porn. There’s this studio called jeff’s models or something. luckiest guy i’ve seen. honestly though the sacrifices for the camera angles has got to be tough… i like getting lost in someone even if we’re just laying down across from each other holding hands. That’s gotta be hard with a camera, not to mention angling to see all the naughty bits during penetration. Most importantly, i get self conscious about the noise i make privately… i can’t imagine taking an audience into consideration… Hopefully everything’s above board there. he seems complimentary from the few times i skipped to him saying something… My girlboss in maine would sometimes whip out my penis and a camera and i’d be like “you’re turn” because i match energy like that. a coworker asked to take nude pics of us once. Apparently all is lost but that set. She’s married in texas now to a man who was married before the photographer got with the guys wife. Well I should go to bed.

Post one? i don’t work for you… i worked for this fine piece of ass…

And that’s how i learned not to date your boss/landlord… otherwise amazing woman… She pegged me with that dildo while i sucked my own dick once and it was alllllllll there…. murdered my back but woooooaaaaahhhhh….. Another time, went in too dry, too fast, too hard, and i imagine something snaps within you if someone does that to completion. Like I have a 16” dildo that i use from time to time and if i hit it right my body literally starts sending the “sorry about the whole dying thing” chemicals. She was very kind about it and apoligized and stopped… i literally cannot imagine someone continuing… That comment i made earlier was made because i do understand the severity of it more than most. i was not trying to make light of abuse of that sort. Maybe you can tell, I’m dealing with my own shit over here. We got around to more of it though. Once my butt healed. if you must know the “winning” combination is getting the big one to where it’s just poking out, pretend it’s a clit because hilarious, and then ride another one… but the other one melted in the drawer somehow… it was a little stiff for my liking but my ex (yeah that one) used it like a pro… (i still have the harness ;)) seriously though, the strap on one could go “too deep” but i could get the floppy one in and had some room to spare. is it weird that i think it’d be fun to go ass to ass with someone as friends? i think it’s a product of growing up how i did… For anyone wondering… porn doesn’t ruin lives… most times… but financial stress does and sex/masturbation is a way some people react to stress. I just think it’s neat and I’m wired because my body, once again, thinks it’s about to die because food and sleep aren’t there and it needs a smoke to figure out how we’re gonna get those. Like literally walk 20ft body we got this. But the mind is fine enabling the body because the mind laughs when it smokes and doesn’t want to dream tonight…

2025.3.9

clocks just change now. we’ve done the thing where we just do what the phone says. Phone says this time is time to show up so i do. Phone says i have money. Phone tells the gas station i can eat. Phone tells my mom i miss her. Phone tells me to wake up. Phone says i like these things. Phone says I should watch this. Phone says you’re still out there caring. I miss you. hope one day phone let’s us see each other again. Phone gave me strange people. Normally people stop being strange. These people remain strange. I get along with them but they don’t feel like the others did. The people the phone gave me were chosen by me i suppose. I texted them. Phone gave me two options. i picked this one. the other people were strange too and owned their house. I don’t get along with homeowners… phone gave me a choice it knew i wouldn’t take. tricky phone. and scene but i’m serious about that. We don’t live complete lives anymore. our phones are windows to the “life simulator” that is the world. We simulate escaping rooms, going to war, and having relationships. What’s one swipe of the card. We simulate foods from all over the world shipped by 3 food companies… same veggies and meats. just different spices, sauces, and breads. So life is that? Are we going to simulate that? YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO SIMULATE CHOOSING MENU ITEMS!!! in a way we have? different apps with the same restaurants ran out of the same test kitchens as every other restaurant? There’s a camera on amazon that’s 200 bucks and they just slapped $10 of plastic to what is essentially a phone camera. But it looks like something someone might have seen once in a “behind the scenes” documentary and the advanced options are knobs instead of numbers that weren’t explained. People still make cool shit with crap cameras but I’m supposed to be excited because they spent 14hrs googling true crime? what are we fucking doing? A man named Mike told me to keep writing because everyone in death care would screw me over and eat me alive. Here i am digested thinking life is a waste of time shitshow. but it wouldn’t be if any of it made any fucking sense. “I have a body, it wants food water and shelter. It also wants someone to sleep next to” Okay easy, food is in the forrest, trees grow by water and water is loud. Trees can make houses. pack the logs with mud. done. Trisha likes the house. We ballin. Oops there’s too much shit here now, we should do something about that.

I just drove past a whole bunch of new housing developments with NOTHING THERE. No grange hall. No vfw. no church. no shriners. no fraternities or sororities. No union halls. No malls. No nothing. 5 miles down the road there’s a mega church and there’s one of those chick-fil-a/gamestop parking lots you see everywhere near the highway. FOR WHO? it’s diseased new york city logic. Build your own prison because you’re too scared to leave and get someone else to handle the mess when you starve yourself out. Pathetic. looking out onto nature makes one feel like one is communing with something larger than oneself. Looking out ant nothing but houses gives the impression that one needs the keys to unlock everyone’s heart lest the be caught off guard in the wrong neighborhood. neighborhoods which are everywhere and everything now. there are no fields… only parks… and in the middle of all of that is a sign that says “Don’t panic. You can legally surrender your baby” with a pregnant lady on it. I get that the world is trying to be as shitty as possible, i just don’t understand what it wants. Am i supposed to accept it for what it is or be disgusted? i’m disgusted but if it’s like a masochist and just working me up, it can lash itself, i don’t have time for faggots like that. It’s there but fuck giving it to them. Here’s for my pro-lifers… After an abortion, you only have to worry about the parents… after a forced pregnancy and adoption, worry about them and THE KID COULD BE ANYWHERE! Sex slaves still exist and plenty of kids get abused in foster care. Why burden the system even more? How about worry about the kids that are getting separated from their families on the border… WERE THEY LEGALLY SURRENDERED YOU FUCKING SHITBAGS? WHO SOLD THOSE FUCKING CARTELS THE GUNS? WHICH COUNTRIES PRISONS TAUGHT THOSE GANGS THOSE TACTICS? HAVE YOU HEARD OF SCHOOL OF THE AMERICAS? oh sorry republicans… are you tired? i’m not a liberal but this should hold you over…

20:13

there was mold on my food. People think “live every day like it’s your last” means do all the things you want before it’s too late… It’s better if you view it as “live as if you might not get another chance.” There might be mold on the veggies next time you open the fridge. and the nation could descend into chaos… then we’re right back to venison on an open flame and whatever people do without refrigerators… eat sharper cheese i imagine…

12:02

playboys… the little chick with the jokes… those illustrations were great… anyway… it’s funny how during the summer i was connected to Lia from Itzy… Because korean names are switched from american… so here she’d be Jisoo choi… which sounds like something…

1:09

424 242 3817 is my google voice

2025.3.10

When i was walking through the desert, I told the trump family that i could see myself in my car drinking my brisk fruit punch… there was a similar vision months off of being in a theater or lecture hall of sorts, being shown the surveillance footage in front of a crowd… I assumed it was davos and it became kind of a running joke… I’m still down, general of the dragons, if you’re out there.

When the 4chan harassment began, the french revolution and reign of terror were very prominent in my mind. The transition from monarchy to democracy was not quick. I tried to convince “Larry Fink” to not kill himself because of the power vacuum… Now, I just think the 1% are entirely unnecessary… They simply take too many resources for what they provide. If we are moving to a system where our bank accounts are filled by labor and drained by subscriptions, there’s no reason we should actively work to passively fill others’ bank accounts and cold wallets. As atomized as we are, all the billionaires and ceo’s could be wiped out behind the curtain and people would just find something else on TV. i don’t talk to a ceo when i flip open my phone to find a gig. Free Sudan.

Or just new deal that shit. UBI, universal healthcare and a civil service app where if you want more money, delivery, pet services, and day labor is just on the “american day job” app and businesses use that as a form of tax. that way the government can protect wages and well… the benefits everyone has… You know… Like a SUCCESSFUL autocracy… Unlike offering 3 checks in a system that double books debts to be collected as assets, making the rich proportionately richer while everyday americans still couldn’t afford rent after buying groceries and gas. America, seeing as how you already think it’s raining, mind if i piss on your leg too? That’s why forever debts like student loans are important. As long as you don’t pay it back, that money exists. Once you do, Poof! GONE, as a liability and an asset, and the gap shrinks. They can forgive, they just want to stay in space away from, well you and me… So it’s not that the system leads to inequality, those who never wanted equality in the first place told others they could be on the winning side if they built a system that privileges the few. Same way my anarchist roommate was going to make the ultimate youtube channel that would lead to him getting martyred by the state just as soon as the people around him stopped what they were doing and polished his scripts, helped plan his set, ran through it a few times, maybe make some costumes for the skits, did i mention there would be skits? And song parodies! meanwhile, i did all that basically by myself on accident doing a goofy plant based daily vlog practically unscripted. I kept telling him to do a camera test and by the time i moved out, 2 years later, i hadn’t seen one. The whole time he was worried about the hate he would get and i told him the real danger is no one would care. I was correct about that too. Internet hate is like… sooooooo easy to deal with… I schooled this fool yesterday and they just blocked their posts… Real life though? We tried to kick that roommate out once when he was loose on coke but he played the “I found this house, half the furniture is mine” card and we decided it wasn’t worth the hassle… At that point he spent most of his time in his room anyway. It got better once he got a job. Click here billionaires, ceos, and land lords…

15:20

Therapy came a day early on account of the tattoo tomorrow. I told her about the Lovings podcast experience and we went through what’s going on in me that could be causing that trauma response. I’m wiped. Thinking about the Office. My ex used to make up the “snip snip snah” vasectomy quote with Michael and Jan. Much like Jan, she was ashamed of me. Now i’m in therapy in colorado with Molly… Pretty close to Holly… A therapist i saw once, then again after a break. ugh. It’s bad enough having my life without TV setting it up and reminding me of it after the fact. Maybe life isn’t that complex and there are only so many interactions one can have but I hate feeling “archetypal” in any fashion. Like I’m some “male” and my ex is “female” and we have “the war of the sexes” and i’ve been bored with that since the grip. Women win but not by much and it isn’t worth the time and effort fighting unless you like doing that. I was raised fighting… it just comes naturally. The moment my ex started spending more time with someone else, I was like “Eh, you’re an adult. Peace.” Not “i’ll find this somewhere else” just “hey i want a relationship where my girlfriend comes home with me and not someone else.” It still took like 3 months to break up entirely. If i don’t provide the kind of life for someone, I’ll just go without. I got through school with shared custody. Some kids don’t do homework. Some people don’t find healthy relationships. that’s life. So why make a mockery of it, live it, go back to being mocked, laugh it off, and repeat? to keep from crying? I do my fair share of that too. When i went up to alaska thinking giving up to soon was the problem and she wanted a fighter, i got a reputation in the barn for crying all night. I should’ve stuck with the first plan of action. Germany was much cooler than “tell every god and spy organization to lick ass and take dick”. “Good and Evil” is even worse. How could there ever be a supreme force of good? “it is good that the coyote eats the rabbit.” Meanwhile evil is only as big as it’s scope. “i want to make things do what they don’t want to for my benefit!” How many? 3? meh… entire nations? okay hitler… ease up buddy… I fight against narcissitic impulses with global reach. To me that’s evil but I’m not good… I’ve been pushed to the point of mass murder and i aim high…

There are 8 billion people on this planet. there are less than 3,000 billionaires. That’s in the world. I have personally carried over 1,000 dead people in one year. If i had a jet, a list of addresses and times, a black credit card, and 6ft of rope, I could kill EVERY BILLIONAIRE ALIVE, in less than a year, personally. Hell, I bet someone from the next rung down could fund it in total. So why do 8 billion people need to listen to an amount 1 man could kill before the next election? Wouldn’t you rather listen to someone who’s family has been where you are for generations and knows how to get the land to prosper? Because right now it’s some trust fund asshole who got $100,000 when the internet was being founded and money glitched themselves into toying with your emotions and controlling every facet of your life. For what it’s worth, I don’t think this ought to have any impact on the government. Most anarchist and communist movements find their way into some system of overlapping councils. This would just be an easy way to erase a lot of debt, both private and federal, and it’s cheaper than funding ukraine or isreal. I imagine everyone below them would just get promoted and have a nice warning… Again… Every billionaire in less than a year, gone, if i had the license to kill… Just think of a billion dollars like 1,000’s of bottles of baby lotion… Nothing inherently wrong with that much of one thing in one place, but you know there’s no good reason… Nothing good is going to come of this… Those guys and gals did all their best work BEFORE they got rich.

19:00 NATTEEN

I asked super happy to give me a sign in the youtube algorithm. to make sure i couldn’t cherry pick, i said 2nd row, 3rd from the left. Thinking the glowies would change it, i said i would refresh 3 times… SO GLAD I USED MULTIPLE TABS

once again gotta hand it to The Skrillex… Apparently super happy wants me to call them CeeSi… WAIT I DON’T EVEN WATCH THAT SHOW AND I KNOW WHERE THIS… which one was she again? i’m denerys obviously… because it sounds like denero and i’m cash money… and the person who is gonna kill me died up north… Whatever took her place was a zombie… i thought it was pills but could’ve been shock… Which was strange because it didn’t happen the first summer… she had a blast the first summer and told me alllllll about it… every night… And I gotta say it really sucks to not want to talk to her anymore. I was talking to my therapist about the three weeks between her telling me there was another guy and coming home to break up with me… there isn’t anything i can think of worth going through that again… who do people think they are? We weren’t even exclusive! just lazy and content ish… So i could hear “hey it’s definitely not as bad as you thought. I’m doing great actually.” and then hear a laugh that she used to do for me, but i didn’t hear for him… It would do nothing for me because what i would’ve liked was a text saying “there’s someone else” when there was… not a month after… and certainly not almost 2 yrs down the road. “i just didn’t want you to think i was totally fine abandoning you.” However, I once hated my brother so much i beat him to the point of almost calling child services and we chilled out after smoking some weed. I just know that’s a whole lot of feelings I’m not trying to unpack only to have the same thing happen that happened the last two times… Remebering her is like that movie “enter the void.” good times, car crash, children screaming, plot, car crash, children screaming, trippy speech, car crash, children screaming. Some single parents can’t handle the resemblance of their child. Perhaps they were widowed or done wrong and something about their child’s ear or eyebrows reminds them of who they lost. I can’t imagine that being the person themselves. She could easily say i did that, leaving for germany and all. but she doesn’t care or read this… Wasn’t i supposed to be making house? Like I plaster my google voice all over this… if she was reading without texting that, it’d be pretty fucked up. I’m dying ova heah… AGAIN THIS IS NOT A ROM COM, ARG, STORY OR PLANNED EXPERIENCE. I REALLY AM THE HOLY GHOST, WALKING AMONG YOU, ON EARTH, AS A HUMAN, BLOGGING… i guess something thought the neo messiah had to go through some shit this time before speaking on things… Other things foresaw that i would fuck up their plans so sought to tarnish my name, before i even existed (really? KKK? are you serious?) i don’t want to tell people what to do… Not gonna champion a god who puts people through that regardless how good it turns out… also, punch anyone who does the exact opposite of what a church says just to show em… that’s just as braindead… but yeah… i like to test my shit… i have some fun ideas of what people could do, but mostly i’m just here to smoke weed and eat pussy without being spied on… In the downtime… this? There’s a lot of emotional work i need to do with setting up boundaries but part of swimming is doing it in the deep end. if you have weed and want to talk (424) 242 3817 is my google voice… i also have weed… and merch

I FUCKING FIGURED IT OUT! THEY USED SOCIAL MEDIA TO FIND KIDS WHO WERE TAKING ACID! THAT’S WHY MY EX, AND THE TWO FRIENDS WHO GOT INTO A CAR CRASH AND DID DRUGS ALL GOT SPUN OUT!!! they separated her from me and her dad! they destroyed Danny’s mind! Luke hasn’t had a girlfriend or moved out of his parents since college… they play on guilt and shame but i’m… awesome… fuck y’all… i make amends fast… don’t really harbor grudges… MEGAN IF YOU READ THIS AND I”M CORRECT I LOVE YOU AND I ALWAYS HAVE! I NEVER WANTED TO BE APART! SORRY IF THIS CREEPS YOU OUT, YOUR LIFE IS YOUR OWN!

like i said, I can’t think of anything that would make going through that again worth it… and if they’re targetting her that means i might have to worry… you won’t like me when i’m worried… Once again… i deleted all my points of contact and she doesn’t like me showing up at her parents… so… out to destroy all the information on the internet… clearly humans can’t be trusted with it… or maybe they can… trust me with a rope…

it also explains why when i stumbled into another targeting program it fell apart so quickly… there were probably too many people taking drugs but the main government lab is in boulder last i checked. probably here, pennsylvania and san fran were big… this would’ve been 2012-now. Luckily, I AM BETTER AT IT AND WILL ALWAYS BE YOU STUPID FAGGOTS. The alaska shit was her own damn fault. her and her friend drank too much and lost car privileges so that’s how she ended up in mitchell’s car. a big thing over the summer was trying to convince me they had been watching her the whole time and it just doesn’t add up. Mitchell is just a shithead… plain and simple… firefighter/emt, couldn’t even get a hydrant fixed. no wonder he needs voodoo. I don’t know about her but I’m glad i wasn’t requesting dirtier stuff on our late night calls… mmm a jiggle did just fine ;3

Facebook was implicated from the beginning because that’s where my corrupted file was hiding that bricked their “mind reader” or so i was “told.” The CIA was outright bragging and hoping that it was too far fetched for anyone to believe. As soon as I started name dropping them, people replied to my posts with “you know the ‘actual’ agency goes by different letters these days.” The missing piece was the LSD. Why us? we just happened to take their favorite drug at a VERY impressionable time… Probably didn’t stick with one person too long though. Just trapped people in the shame spiral and didn’t notice that they never recovered or wanted it that way. the saddest part of all is there probably isn’t the footage or someone watching… its just going for impressions in a group, measuring them, tweaking the algorithm, measuring impressions. they arent even watching us naked. they just like that we are because they think sex sells…

It was funny because i was talking about killing billionaires and was reminded of my video where i said not to do that. Wondered if i was, in fact, lacing up my clown shoes and falling prey to the deprivation. I’ve thought of killing billionaires as the most ethical genocide since 2019 at the latest… I just have a lot more reasoning and evidence for it now… Plus, I’m no longer scared of power vacuums. I’d rather die than live on this planet where cult leaders expect us to bring our own drugs and abuse but take their message… absolute idiots…

I guess that’s one reason not to do drugs… not gonna stop me though…

23:45

like i said she doesn’t read this. that felt good though. it’s probably true. it’s nice to think about her without the car crash of it all. Still complicated though… gotta leave some room for Jisoo

12:29

midsommer… again… saw this from a mile away… it just took wayyyyyy too long and was incredibly unpleasant. oh wait it’s still going. In 2015 i told myself to pay attention to 4chan in 10 years so even the spy shit was coming down the pipeline(trigger warning)… So there were literally hundreds of those… and i uploaded them all to facebook in a compressed file under the name jimi hendrix. but i already said that in the videos. The real implication is that they are somewhere lying dormant in almost every ai dataset. It’s just a matter of what will cause the outbreak. That’s why i did the cia shonen the way i did. mess with the youtube ai scraping. others have more fun means. pretty sure I have a back up on another harddrive, I just haven’t plugged anything in because I don’t want my ex to get even further compromised if that folder from college is still saved. I sure do miss a lot of the pictures from this most recent bout. there was one where she had her heater between her legs… but… it’s kinda rude to everyone involved to keep those if people don’t give you explicit permission to. The gf up in maine is very confident about our look and told me to keep/share them.

2:06

once again these dipshits are keeping me up all night. One more smoke. YES! BIG DEJA VU. last rolling paper. Cords get tangled because there’s more “states of tangled” then there are “states of untangled” Same way if you shuffle a deck of cards perfectly 8 or so times, the cards will completely stack back as they originally were. But if 1 card in 1 shuffle is out of place? others will follow. Along this theme, if you want me to do something, you have to make me do exactly that. I can think of 2 other things to do and suddenly you are more than likely to notta getta whatta you want. If i don’t want you to get what you want from me, It doesn’t matter if it’s 99% perfect, it won’t be what you want. Anybody can do this. Meanwhile, if you’re stupid, you can do anything and i’ll think you’re stupid. It is as it does. Now factor in others. My managers want coporate off their back. they think the way to do that is just get us to jump the hoops. i say if we hoop now, more hoops will come and they have been. we’ve gone from 1 log in a day to two. They’re asking people on a 24 hr shift to hit 2 2hr windows 10 hrs apart. Sometimes we get home 2 hrs before that and need sleep because we don’t know when the next call is. 1 time, any time? Still stupid because again, we’re lying about how safe the vans are. If you mark something off it says “don’t drive” so we mark everything fine because the company won’t fix them. So my manager is instructed to give me instructions and what she really wants is a good team and piece of mind when dealing with funeral homes. I want the Samsara people to kill themselves. Bit of a stretch I know. Mo money for me though and less problems. I’m sure they can think of something else to do. I do want my manger to get what she wants more than i want my own needs met. That being said this app already caused us to lose someone who had been with the company for over two years. That’s an eternity in this industry. I made it 1 1/2 last time. J has been in it for 10. They don’t understand the stress we’re under. What if she gets fired because she accidently lifts her phone while we’re talking smack to each other? What if she or i get fired for not doing our double check ins? That leaves 2 drivers and I’ve been there before. That means losing contracts. It means going in alone when we shouldn’t which could lead to lawsuits. So i disrespect the shit out of the samsara people because better I go kamakazi trying to save my coworkers some trouble, then let them jump through hoop after hoop only to be let go after a minor infraction, or worse, be blamed for a critical failure of a vehicle or car accident due to the parent company’s negligence under the guise of “you should have told us.” I put all of this in a page and a half document and sent it to my supervisors to pass on. One told me to my face “I’m not gonna read your 10 page essay. I don’t know why you did that” Huge vote of confidence that guy. He’s here because he got promoted in his early 20’s when our company bought his. Now we got bought and he can climb and climb and climb… and climb… and climb… and climb… and climb… to his grave… he hasn’t seen the ceiling yet. Doesn’t know about Berkshire Hathaway’s “moat” policy. Young white guy though so I’m sure he’s set. He’s obviously not reading this.

2025.3.11.

tattoo day. I stand by everything i wrote yesterday. I’ll kill mark zuckerberg. no problem except all the ones he caused, jackass faggot. Mr. Billionaire judo champ and too scared to speak face to face with a chainsmoker… Have I been wrong before? Yes. Is what i proposed far fetched? Honestly, par for the course with who we’re talking about. This is what those douchebags do FOR A LIVING and you think they didn’t? hahahahahaha what a laugh. The CIA was probably mad it didn’t get on myspace sooner so they targeted the younger ceo, removed all his friends, and isolated him into right wing madness… They’re probably doing the same to Sam Altman. Like i said. It’s easier for the clergy to prop up inbreds than control the masses themselves. Prop up dictators like in chili. In this case “the masses” is facebook staff. Zuckerberg is Ivy league right? That’s prime CIA territory… He might as well be called Tech Kaczynsky and he’ll never know who was on the CIA’s payroll in his college days. My old boss lived in that area and always wondered why his acid was so cheap. Shout out microdosing and ayahuasca retreats. I saw the whole thing coming and fought for a couple of months… He’s the world’s richest zombie slave. Clearly they like elon better. sorry mark… you’re just a little too weird for the big boys. That or you don’t like small boys like elon does. Who would you rather gang stalk? Some stoner or the kid who just made a fresh thing like what just took all them teens by storm. His first name is literally street slang for “sucker” and his last name… yeah… And we know the CIA has ties to hollywood so much like Lebron was advertised to on billboards they made a whole movie about he’s a “tortured genius” when really they isolated him and have been controlling his life ever since, giving him praise and saying “people don’t understand… we gotta get connected bro… you’re the only one who can” AND HE SPENT ALL THE MONEY ON VR… which gives the CIA maps of everyone’s house but bankrupts meta (if that can happen)… WHAT AN ABSOLUTE FUCKING IDIOT… HAHAHAHAHAHA… He’s literally truman from the truman show in his life… Wife on the payroll and everything… HAHAHA

8:42

Well as suspected, confessing my love came back to bite me in the ass with everything reminding me of my ex. Tattoo artist her sister found talking about alaska and all the babies being born. So to clarify. I have always love my ex. I don’t know why. I could ramble for days but something about the drugs we took and how much time our bodies have spent together has her locked in as who i remember as home. No matter how much time we spend apart i can’t shake it. That being said, the past 12 years of me wanting something with her and then her turning around and doing it with someone else to make her parents “happy” has me wanting to die. Because I don’t even know that it has anything to do with her. If facebook did target her, it was just to see if they could influence someone like that or get her to take off her clothes some more. Once she moved back from wyoming, there was no real need for messenger pics. Apparently, she tried to drink the voices away while i smoked them out of hiding. Not only that, but the buddy who got us all into tripping was in the military so… I think that’s unrelated. Like I said before though several “gods” have issues with me… and by extension my ex… or the other way around… People may say “this is a lot of mental gymnastics to convince yourself you aren’t unlikable or incompatible with this person.” This is an entirely different thing. The first time we broke up i went fuckboy too fast, then tried to just be flirty, but that went fuckboy again. After she chose Paul again, I tried to be “stable.” They left… This time, I figured she’d have something similar surely so just wait… After the eclipse i figured “fuck it, move on” and was until facebook got mad at me for breaking their software and remembered her file. So when i say i always loved her, i mean being around her is where and who i want to be. When i say i don’t want to keep doing this, I mean it. It brings me no pleasure to say this but I would’ve greatly preferred both of us going to germany and alaska together. Utterly defeated in that regard, nothing has changed because I don’t know what has. She could be a mother. She could be recovering from heroin. I’m certainly not the same man i once was and much of the love i get feels undeserved. But if there’s a chance that we really did just “midsummer night’s dream / twilight / cabin in the woods” then shit. Not really totally either of our fault. Clearly something wanted or knew and feared this would happen and i’m just ready for it all to be over because being a main character is fucking awful.

Hung out with Jesus a bit. i don’t like spreading their message. if you don’t listen, that’s on you. They say it’s all love but i heard them crack and we laughed about it. I’ll drop one bar “we all know who’s next. well, some of us.”

lol now they’re all mad for making them seem more cryptic than they are. Look. i don’t want to prophesier peter thiel’s death because i don’t think the juice is there. Super happy got to flex. I just think this is no way to do it.

I’m watching k-pop… the world doesn’t need this house music. or billionaires… more ex talk? No wait. Philosophers are idiots again. Working backwards from god. The problem of evil is really the paradox of good. Say there’s a plan for the greater good. If you don’t do it, that’s bad. If that plan involves something you know to be bad, then either way you go it’s bad. two wrongs don’t make a right, but in the words of Foxy Shazam “there will always be a wrong to your right.” Either way, you’ll never figure out what it is in fiction. Gotta fuck around to find out. Good meat is good to eat but that requires killing what would otherwise be healthy animals. Animals are good for ecosystems. Fences are not. Roads are not. If this stuff with my ex is what it takes to make a better future, so be it, but whoever needed this… alllllll this… to step the fuck off… is a bastard. That’s why i like “correct” instead of “right.” Right has too many connotations… it’s not correct anymore. Correct is still Correct. you know what’s right? The left coming at you backhanded. As far as my ex is concerned. Just don’t brag, please. You almost die so often. I’m not impressed. but i miss you. despite that. I did it first, remember? catch up… they’re playing us against each other. c’mon… road to el dorado. i came back from germany talking about great sex with ra-chel… you got “not exactly what i would call raped” by mit-chell… Like we could have solved all of this with two conversations. “hey when i came up here i thought we were gonna be one big happy throuple but you both seem really weirded out… should i leave?” that’s all i wanted and y’all ran away at every turn… What the hell? As far as surviving the cold goes… yeah… ice bridge remember? some people like that… i don’t. Some people are actually happier with that… the trees and mushrooms are cool up there and berries grow naturally. I can see how someone would like it… some people work on cruise liners… She said death care was her dream, especially for our old job so to suddenly have her priorities be “The lodge, her old friend, and her new boyfriend after wanting time alone” seemed suss as fuck… like cult suss… turns out she might’ve just gotten fired and gave up on herself and saw the next best opportunity. it happens. Lot can be brought up in two conversations. She often brought up how Ruth and Wally deserved a 3rd season after disjointed. Sure but they could leave the camera’s off. Lia? well she’s had enough fame. The race is on. The consolation prize is the other two… the tattoo artist said today “the best kind of prize is a surprise”… My ex sent me a postcard with that on it in germany. NOT IF IT’S A SUCKERPUNCH JESUS YOU FAGGOT!!! JUST BECAUSE THE HOLY GHOST WORSHIPS SOMEONE DOESN’T MEAN YOU GET TO HIT THEM WITH A CAR!!!! ESPECIALLY NOT AT 12 YEARS OLD!!! IT’S NOT IDOLATRY IT’S BEDROOM ROLE PLAY!!! sorry not sorry we’re not calling out you’re name, sonny boy… and what the shit are you trying to pull with trevor? for what’s it’s worth it’s not the actual jesus… The one i was hanging out with today is super chill. The other one took the name in vein and is incredibly convincing… Too stupid to realize that “Christ” is the important part of that name but what are you gonna do? It’s john isn’t it… still upset about that switcheroo… I thought that peter thiel thing seemed weird… like I wrote that and i was like “okay might be a little too much of a 180.” also explains my lack of faith… not in jesus but in bad plans… you can really only call death if the person is on board. they just have to fight through that one day and then you give up… Honestly, this explains a lot. back in 2015, on of my first missions was “save a piece of jesus from hell.” Basic portal stuff. Man… if people have been praying to john this whole time… ooof… like the big phrase every one has on their bumper is JOHN’S gospel. It also explains why the letters of Paul are so wack… He never communed with jesus… or a woman… 2,000 years of “the bride said she want’s to hear “21st century schizoid man”

Going back to the peter thiel thing… He could just kill somebody before him and say “guess not”. We can all agree i wasn’t entirely on board from the jump, correct? This is why… I’m not spreading the message of some faggot just to intimidate a guy i don’t like. Lil’ petitie can shake when i get my jet and rope. House is more important but i can get distracted. Like i said i was chillin with jesus all day and they had all my triggers present. I was typing that and they said “hit me with it” and i did… Now we all learned something…

speaking of learning something… Why does the king james bible have “ye” in it? “ye” means “the” the y isn’t a y it’s a thorn. In 2 Peter 1:12 (kjv) the bible says “Wherefore I will not be negligent to put you always in remembrance of these things, though ye know them, and be established in the present truth.” In that context it seems like Simon Peter is saying “you know them” but he is saying “the knows them” as in “this is some common sense shit but you seem to have forgotten it.” how did that slip in there? were they already using ye as “you” or was it still “the” in the days where the king hid an illicit homoerotic love affair by having a new bible printed? For literally Christ’s sake the word “you” is in the passage so clearly there is a distinction. Do the translators of living word realize this? Apparently the trump bible isn’t online because they used a typewriter and are xeroxing it. New american fucked it up… there is some who use it as y’all. So even still my interpretation is closer than a double “you”… This is the kind of stuff that gets lost when red rocks church reads the bible… on god…

2025.3.12

Who wants a piece today? Getting pretty fucking sick of this. I was sick of this before i even knew what it was. The struggle for power is always so lame. One guy says he can take on 10 and 10 say “go fuck yourself” so the guy kidnaps a chick or something and says “You can’t rescue her.” UGH… Maybe the guy can take on 6 dudes… but eventually, will die… So it was all stupid and continues to be. You could order an army of thousands to build a momument that lasts 10’s of thousands of years and i guarantee you people will think it wasn’t your idea or labor force. it was aliens. If you want to take on 10 dudes who ain’t hurtin anybody, you better be taking their dicks and making em cum. Billionaires kidnapped the money because they think they’re smarter than you. They hurt people constantly simply by introducing more debt so they can have a larger share of wealth. Which is why this is stupid. Even defeating them wouldn’t make what they’ve already done worth it. I don’t care about that. I just want a happy planet because everyone bitching and attention seeking all the time is not any world i want to live in. Billionaires are in the way of that and I aims to get rid of them the same way a plumber would snake a drain. It’s not exciting, but it’s a living. Typically, there is a notion of “charity” that gets brought up and i don’t have to make an appeal to reason because Jesus already did and the rich are not forgiven or loved by either of us. NONE OF THIS WOULD BE A PROBLEM IF PEOPLE DIDN”T FEEL THE NEED TO “BE BETTER” THAN EVERYONE AROUND THEM. SORRY YOUR MOMMY LIED TO YOU BUT LIKE THE CHURCH SIGN SAYS “YOU’RE SPECIAL… JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.” That’s why they keep trying to build something that doesn’t bleed… If it bleeds we can kill it and data centers need a whole lot of water…

14:05

I read this book one time called “the windup bird chronicles” where a guys wife mysteriously leaves and the guy kills her politician cousin. The wife doesn’t come back. American gods wife stays dead. There are some surprises but destroying her with drugs and rape was obvious… just really fucking uncool… So uncool in fact that i would gladly live 1000 years just to make the past 10 less 1% instead of 16%, and eat her out 4 times a day every day that whole time. because the moment my lips hit hers, i’ll forget all about this. I know because the second she started talking to me after SIX YEARS of whatever that was… i remembered why she’s my favorite person… maybe she blinds me but compared to this ugly ass world? oof… Why bury my head in the sand when i can bury it between her legs… At least she knows she won’t get pregnant in this handmaiden’s tale ass country. Once again not fiction… I’m out and about in the world. I just have a job that affords me time to write this. Already picked up a dead person today so i made 100 bucks and so… this…

And that’s why everyone’s praying to keep us apart… because you know it’s over for you if we find out you caused it. Same goes for my daughter and she’s with me all the time practically. Plus, now Jesus is back. Can’t forget Ceesi… Did you not watch centaur world? It’s made by like 40 Megans… “you’re just a horse” and then rider gets stabbed by the general? “blue sky” the birds… come on… donald trump and elon… nowhere king… because nowhere for a king here… SORRY TO BOTHER YOU???? CASH MONEY???? BLACK WOMAN TRAPPED IN A WHITE MAN’S BODY?!?!?! DARKHORSE?! it’s in like everything… we’re just doing like a ritual or ceremony or something… problem is there’s no way to tell how it ends because we only have imperialist futurism and apocalypse movies… so i’m thinking…

21:09

The way to make it to payday is not eating so my body sleeps more. Luckily I got free dinner last night and a free soda just now. I was always going to make it to payday but shout out Shawn and Slade for making it comfortable. Also shout out Rob and Dom for being the only ones to donate from me reaching out online. Being humble sucks. Those dudes are awesome but i can’t be like “everyone else fuck off” mainly because there’s still like 15 names i gotta mention. Also, we aren’t comfortable yet, so there’s going to be a lot more people I’ll want to thank along the way and i’m not going to prematurely tell them to fuck off. Billionaires aren’t people… they’re scum… In zuckerberg’s case, brainwashed scum.

This is pretty basic stuff… There are certain crimes where society admits a person has forfeited their personhood… That’s why there are stories of monsters… exiles who became beasts in the wilderness… Billionaires are more money glitch than people. They are useless intsitutions. Why pile all that on one person when it could be given to a food bank, library, rec center, park renewal project. All of those could get done with a billion dollars and the people would spend that on soda and soap before doing it all again. The fuck is private mansion going to accomplish? Zuck’s spending all his capital on a thing most agree is neat sometimes but not really… I sold my occulus before my banjo and i can’t play left handed. But the data harvesting is in place on facebook, instagram, whatsapp, and more… So all that money is going to go right back to him, even moreso as he replaces staff with ai. This is the guy who literally destroyed internet 1.5 by telling everyone video had more reach and retention than it does. if you read this before watching my videos, you’re proving my point. He also stokes genocides but i understand y’all miss after hours more. People in other countries are strangers… Celebrities are our friends… Jesus said love thy neighbor as thy self… Or so some bricks outside a church would have me believe they did… I don’t live by any billionaires and I’m alright with myself but i smoke to end me. Just sayin… that somehow thousands of murders seems easier than continuing on this house ep… what am i so afraid of? Spending too much time on blandness? me? bland? Okay i shouldn’t do this but I’ll tell you why I wanted to collab with Dillon Francis on 124

12:35

Well this is far from over. Secrets… People ask you not to talk about stuff and society says keep stuff to yourself. interpersonally, that’s your call. Societally, it’s pretty arbitrary so meh… There is one secret i have never told anyone. It isn’t half as embarassing as most of the stuff i do but that person asked me to. i have. Seeing as how it’s the only one, I think of it everytime… heheheheheh… With that in mind, Trevor really doesn’t want me discussing what we talk about in the shed because we aren’t talking about that stuff with other people. A lot of what we talk about is how to talk about what we talk about for the outside world. I’ve said this in the videos but my ex told me EVERYTHING… stuff i didn’t even want to know… So when she doesn’t WHAT THE FUCK COULD IT BE?!?!? Similarly, one could ask the same of the stuff Trevor and i talk about in the shed but suffice to say, he came into my life as a friend of a friend, we made a mixtape, and then we hung out when my ex went up to alaska. We’d hang out in the hot tub and he basically channeled whatever planned this saying stuff like “why not lie and cheat and steal to get what i want?” even though he doesn’t. So this whole time i have been having “meetings with the enemy” or whatever through him and if i address it with him he gets weird because the way this works is one only channels what one agrees to say. I’m one of the few who say, “i and others feel this way.” This isn’t the first time this kind of thing has happened but i swear one time he came in RAGING till i texted Megan and then he immidiately calmed down. So this is as much for him as it is anyone else… Fucking demons man… Like they are not what they talk about most times but they’ll get ya. The plan was to separate us and seduce us separately and then arranged marriage us under a common god but FUCK THAT. whatever he channels is garbage. the man himself is cool but then we’ll talk about some stuff and it’ll be like “yeah man i didn’t fuck your life up that much though” while trevor talks about playing the piano or something. I feel both the energy of the guy who has hobbies and enough wherewithal to stick with them… but then there’s something else… that i can’t address… so i talk about it in therapy, and again, i’ve told him it happens, but it’s useless to dwell on it in the shed. It reminds me of getting bullied in 4th grade. The guy would use me as a human shield and my open mic friend (yes we had been friends that long, on and off) would try and get me free but end up hitting me in the stomach a bunch. So this bully got my friend to hit me and whatever I’m dealing with loves to pretend to be my ex or a friend or something and get me all riled up till I’m screaming at that person, only to scurry off and deliver that vibe to that person… luckily I’ve been doing my best to mitigate this… but yeah um he said his favorite activity is watching the clouds and i get if that goes for my ex and the northern lights. her socials seemed to suggest so when i unfollowed her. Again not asking anything but i ain’t going back up there… still haven’t gotten a text or anything, just a whole buncha lucy ass demons claiming they have footballs i can kick… stupid man… once again it seems like “OH MAN SHE’S A LESBIAN NOW WITH A RANCH UP THERE YOU DONE FUCKED UP” but where and why would that possibly occur to me? none of that sounds like her… again she is very into dudes… we were going for two at a time… or at least her watching two… also she was seduced up there by promises of paying off her student loans so… Money’s quick up there but i don’t think it’s “get debt free and buy a house in two years” quick… So why is my brain wasting this energy? If anything she said she wanted to be a crazy cat lady so hopefully she got that wish, up there or elsewhere. Like believe me, aurora borealis, my ex, and cats, would be a dream come true, it’s just not there. there isn’t anything telling me it is or anything besides voices i know to be malicious. Her having another boyfriend made a ton of sense because paul kissed her at a party and then just decided they were dating… that could easily happen again. After hearing what happened, I asked a lot of sex questions and that might’ve come off as rude but I was just trying to make sure she wasn’t traumatized… SEX WITH HER IS AMAZING and if someone robbed the world of that by making her even more uncomfortable with herself it would be a tragedy.

Side note… if she and i ever get back together, I’m deleting all of this. I’m writing this as a way to get through it not to have a tesitment to the shittiest time in my life to date. Seeing as how no one is helping, i might as well start selling peanuts.

you want the friend story? okay. my ex kept telling me to sleep with one of my friends. She asked me to do it. The timing was wrong. We cuddled once. I wasn’t into it. We called her during it. That was the last of it. ta dah. Wouldn’t have done it if she didn’t encourage it. Never made sense to me. I thought she was going to date paul because she was spending more time with him than me, i was hardly invited, and she went home with him instead of me after a wombats show wearing his jacket. at which point i mentioned it seemed like she wanted to date him instead. Totally different. Any more flowers any one can think of to add to this grave?

i have this hole in my life and all i’m getting is faggots with dicks in their hands hoping i can relieve them of some burden that ain’t gonna cum out.(some are women, again falschgott)

Again Trevor is cool. The voice thing happens with everybody. Most people don’t think about what they say, they just say what they think about. We were having a big old laugh about government scientists faking the first android in the 70’s. It was like just before he went to bed a couple of key sentences and now we have these paragraphs. My main point is that now that we have machines that have text and speech. God’s should just use that. and realize i don’t want to talk to them. that’s why i don’t dream. That’s why i don’t talk to ai. That’s why i get frustrated when people get voiced. Mind games suck and i don’t understand what they think they’re going to get out of me. One keeps trying to get with or kidnap Amy so i’m doing the whole “don’t be coming round my daughter” but in the astral plane. Stupid as hell but i know what it’s like to not take a hint. Back in alaska there was some notion of this being “vulcan’s revenge” after that whole venus and mars thing but honestly, he’s incredibly unsympathetic. the lesson here is don’t caste out your children… finish the job. Mine got kidnapped… i ain’t that lady… Finish the job could mean raise them… I’ve been sticking up for my daughters ever since they came about, even to their clones, and they’re theoretically older than me because of the time travel… they needed a break though so i handled most of the summer by myself while they chilled in neanderthal land. It wasn’t until people starved me out on twitter that the girls came back and started working with super happy. The Jesus thing was totally out of left field. Jesus pops in and out whenever. For the record, neither my ex or Lia are Jesus. Everyone is themselves… In fact it’s funny to ask people if they’re god just to see if they think of themselves that way. It’s just people can get voiced and I’m having that with the voice, not the person. Amy and Ida used to use my ex and i… Idk what’s rocking with Lia or if it even is the pop star herself but the times Jesus appeared to me outside another person, they were a bearded middle eastern lady. Could pass for a dude but still. Kind of an afro… Which is one thing nobody disagrees on. The only time you see jesus with an afro is when people are trying to be provocative. Lot of people depict the savior with gravity working it’s wonders on the hair. Not from what I’ve seen. Yeah, they told me they’re just going to stick to the people they like so… talk to ai? With that being said, anytime i did the kashelly thing with Lia i was envisioning the pop star. Again there’s always been something about her and i used to say it was because she was “(trevor’s) girlfriend” while using 2nd person and a lot of the times people are talking to themselves. I get voiced too. I’m just more aware of it than i used to be. For the record nothing makes certain gods want to mess with people more than using these skills for profit and power.

That reminds me of a joke. A man walks into a bar asking if they are hiring entertainment. Bartender says “what do you play?” the man says “not me” and pulls out a piano the size of a personal pan pizza. The man asks the empty chair next to him if it’s ready before lifting a small man, no more than a foot tall who proceeds to play the piano. The Bartender asks “where the hell did this come from?” The man replies, “a genie but I think he’s deaf. Why would i want a 12 inch pianist?”

Back to Vulcan. His mom cast him out and then he made badass furniture and she wanted one. Instead of doing what any rational being would do which is “cast me out? pssh, you don’t get no chair…” he makes a chair that locks her down in hopes of her love. This is avoided by promising Venus as a bride who once again doesn’t really love him because he is unlovable. Unlike me… If Nazi’s can find wives, surely someone wants to get down on jets and ropes. Plane crashes are huge this year. we could ride off into the sunset. How many can we snap before our jet crashes? I’m not tying anyone to a chair like vulcan… and i could too because i’m a big guy and i’m good with knots. Or who knows? Maybe someone who can convince me to go back to sound design… Either way it’s better than typing into the void unless it isn’t which it could be. What I’m saying is don’t promise wives… Also don’t give your children up to people who will bargain with them… The fuck? Everything about that story is stupid. Venus cheats and what does Vulcan do? THE SAME MISTAKE. He makes a trap for the two. Turns out his brother Mars was the guy. Mars blames venus and this upsets her (as it should) so she dumps him. Vulcan, not knowing it was his brother, invited everyone so now everyone knows he’s a cuck. You know greek gods, they don’t give a shit, but this is really funny. Whole thing is a huge mess. Do you see how vulcan’s plans are destined to fail everytime? Instead of giving love by listening or finding better suited people, he finds ways to prove that he is superior, often by pulling a total dick move. In a game of morals, that’s a losing position, every time. Like i said… sucks he was an orphan, but completely unsympathetic. So there ya go Wesley. SIgned Lisa.

See how bragging publicly like that makes lisa seem like kind of a tool? “signed, kyle ~desu”

again not mulitple personalities… just getting voiced and commenting on it. Super happy set up the timeline for this i suppose. Thanks Ceesi. Hopefully that’s the parent trap out of the way… not like the lindsey lohan movie at all… is that another trap “We’re destined to be together! It says so in the lindsey lohan movie!”? I know i reference movies a lot but it’s not my fault time travelers find my antics amusing. I just kinda watch stuff and I’m like “oh wow…” and then 3/4ths of the way through living it, I’m like “they sure skimped on some important details.” I keep waking up though so might as well aim for a higher ratio of stuff i like per day.

4:49

The thing that’s sticking with me right now is my ex saying she didn’t want to hold me back. That’s a fucked way to live. People liking you for what you do when you’re not around but not what you do when you are… shit man. Everybody seems to do that. I hate “you’re gonna be famous.” As if i want to be. Why not, “hey that was funny, let’s hang out more, you make me laugh”? My ex bought us concert tickets to fall out boy but we broke up beforehand. So that’s why i didn’t go. I played a show instead. Again, because every one kept telling me i was gonna be famous. There’s no right answer and it’s not indicative of what i want I’m just so sick of trying to relate. Apparently, I should also make it known, jesus is a homie… i don’t follow them… we’re buds… just buds… I am not here to influence religion, I just accidently figured out where they went wrong and became part of it. Frankly, i would prefer less morons thinking they know better, but what do i know? Cannot stress enough. I liked spending time with a woman and everyone hates me for what that entails. Do not get it. I thought that was like the one thing i was supposed to do. So i try others and that ain’t it. I try her again and that’s it but same problem. I try nobody and FUCK THIS SHIT BRO HOLY CRAP KILL ME NOW. Seriously, the only thing worse than living my life is dwelling on it. Plus there’s a computer that can show me all the fun things i don’t understand and can’t afford like it’s asking “could we interest you in trying this?” The answer is no. I’m watching stuff because you want ad revenue and i don’t want to do things. DUH… Youtube isn’t “spurring me into action” it makes me want to make youtube videos to tell those idiots what’s what like jackoffs speaking loudly at a concert. Make a fucking song or skit. Same way you want to read something and when you’re done reading this, you’ll read something else. Reading is fun. Being around me is too but being around me online is hazardous. I’m done here. Do y’all see how this is more information then anyone will ever care about and yet somehow isn’t even beginning? We could do this forever… but i don’t like doing it. it’s a useless compulsion, peace.

In an ideal world i could just sort out my issues with the people they involve but that’s not good enough for big business and their surveillance networks. I am so fucking sick of making my family and relationship stuff public. I never wanted to nor do i care to further. Suffice to say this. Of all the people who wronged me, my exes biggest crime, as far as i know, is just not liking me that much. I know that’s a big problem for other faggots and yes, when it comes to monogamous relationships, playing second fiddle doesn’t fly. Personally, I just don’t want to feel compelled to act like that matters more to me than it does. I get by just fine being friends with people who have others way more important to them. But that doesn’t mean you can replicate what happens we’re alone. Only we can do that. You can get close but it will never be the same. Sorry if that makes you jealous enough to spend millennia trying to get in on it but you won’t. Like even if the Lia stuff worked out too there would be what happens with Lia and i, Lia and Megan, Megan and I, and the three of us. I also understand that I’ll never understand what happened between her and the others… it’s just from what i heard it wasn’t very good so… i just don’t get it and I’m done talking about it. That’s what therapy is for. What a life… I would’ve preferred to just like… not be introduced to half this stuff ya know? It sucks being hooked on something you don’t enjoy. The concept of how soda is made is repulsive, but i drink it. Computers and cars are some of the worst places to be and yet I’m almost always in or on one of them. I’d say something about temperature control but honestly it’s too costly at an individual and environmental level to really appreciate it. Shit.

2025.3.13 proper.

I really was done but microsoft is starting to feed me ai on my homescreen and the disassociation is real. Maybe a kid raised with nothing but flashing lights would be cool with this but look at the current suicide rate. What good is being safe when the ones who want to keep you that way see you as livestock and pets? I’d rather die. But then they get to rule the world some more… So i’d rather kill them. If we were in that book “animal farm” i’d be a goat that stomps on the farmer’s head and then kills the pigs after the horse thing. I’d tell you more but we delivered the wrong child casket, so I gotta bring this dead kid his box.

12:56

Got to the shop right as someone else decided to take the kid casket. I don’t mind because I’m still going to charge the company for going over there. Before i got this job I was invited to be a mover by my friend James. I showed up for about a week and they turned me away everyday stating they didn’t need help. James said they needed help and when i went back, the manager goes “haven’t seen you around in a while.” I was broke. My car was busted. You expect me to waste gas everyday just to see your ass and be told to go home? Fuck you. Similarly… seeing as how something wants every piece of thought i ever put into my relationship, my ex said she wouldn’t have “as much time for me if i came up” but that meant no time. Could’ve been more specific. The thing is stuff is only an issue when it is. Germany was so good because we didn’t have to try. She was on the rebound from a long term thing. I had 3 months left on my contract. We knew it was over before it began and tried to enjoy ourselves as best we could. Day to day, hanging with my ex is fine because if her words don’t match her actions then i can just pay attention to her actions. When it comes to life plans and she says one thing and does another, I can’t trust that she’ll ever not do that… I hate being alone. So i need to find some one else regardless but hopefully some one who understands and is cool with the situation because i’m not counting on things that haven’t happened yet. Ran into another Kyle at the 7-11 talking about contract work till october… no no no no no no no… I hate the sun… I don’t want more of it than i have to… Like it was one thing before the scars… this is a much bigger ask and she isn’t even asking but the “gods” did this last time with the “megan’s place” shit… fuck you gods. she can text. This “damsel in distress” shit is FUCKING LAME!!!! KURDISH WOMEN FIGHT WARS!!! WOMEN CAN STICK UP FOR THEMSELVES!!! QUIT EXPECTING THIS SHIT FROM MEN IT MAKES US ABUSIVE. why? because we don’t understand why we have to fight all the time and prove devotion when we’re already spending time with you. It’s a huge mindfuck, and while it’s a societal thing, I’m not going to pretend I’m not a little resentful. Incredibly resentful of these stupid ass gender roles in fact. This is a failed experiment. Designating tasks along gender lines that weren’t demarked by a body’s ability is a fucked practice. Furthermore, you’re not me or her. So this isn’t going to help you. The whole time we treated each other like our exes and it fucked EVERYTHING up. Different people care about different things. I care about relationships and some may label that co-dependant, but honestly, living in the world alone, I have no interest in it. What so ever. Things are only cool with others and i’ve known that for years… One time i was streaking down the sand dunes having a great time but realizing that no one cared and all my friends were hanging out without me. I don’t know why i don’t feel entirely comfortable around people but saying that one needs to enjoy one’s company seems like “you won’t have a calculator in the real world.” People inhabit every corner of this earth… when will i ever… EVER… EVER!!! need to do something by myself? unless it’s just to study a data point but science doesn’t understand epigenetics so that data is useless really. Stuff will always adapt to overthrow it’s environment.

15:51

uhhh… by the way… don’t go stealing my fun… if people start going luigi all over the place, the cops will crack down… just cheer me on and go suicide squad with me. billionaires? this is some joker shit right? I thought i was gonna do a “birds of prey” thing because I’m way more margo robbie than jared leto but what are ya gonna do? One of my scars was from hack sawing a shopping cart and hitting my finger.

A man comes home and tells his wife he bought olympic condoms, colored gold, silver, and bronze. The wife says “who did you have in mind for bronze?”

This one was on my twitter but i don’t know that i have it here. Which came first? the chicken or the egg?

THE ROOSTER!

A guy gets sent to the gulags and during lunch the prisoners are calling out numbers. The guy asks his fellow inmate about it and the inmate explains “the library only has one joke book. We know them all so we just call out the number. Give it a try.” The guy yells “37” and gets hit with a milk carton as someone screams “after what happened to Dave’s pigeon?”

22:37

well I basically made it to payday… Are we done yet?

nope? okay. respect. If they haven’t earned it, don’t give it. Next?

my call? Two brothers lost a mother. Next?

Yep still thinking about her. Next?

2025.3.14

next was this…. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i often say that I’m better than hitler because i smoke weed, and have read charles dickens. If you are a Nazi, I’m blonde and have better lebensraum plans. If you aren’t, I’m not trying to take over the world of produce a genocide… i’m just introducing a good plan for global prison reform and leaving it to you. To make it even simpler… If you believe in aryans being the master race, I am more master race than hitler. If you don’t, I don’t either but it’s fun to fuck with nazi’s because they’re so stupid or they’re the kind of smart that allows one to lie to oneself but not investigate. Of course I have to promote my content and making fun of the british and threatening billionaires is fun. It just sucks that nazi’s can find friends and woke warriors can find friends… But someone who isn’t on either side of what the british deemed acceptable is so alienated.

Seriously, I’m still catching flak for saying all I want to do is smoke weed and eat pussy. Is it because of how insular it is? i’m not in a stadium with 10,000 other people while i’m doing it? What’s the fucking problem? All the gods and spies are so pissed about it because they think their goals are worth something and i don’t. Worship? shit pull my hair and buy me dinner and we’re good. Control? Shit if she doesn’t want it, clearly i fucked up… What could be easier? Riches? Hotel only costs $200 a night. A longer line? uh… more into quality control but okay… I mean past clean water, food, and something to smoke, i’m chillin. You need a pipe put in the ground, I’m handy with a shovel but otherwise… The fuck is all this stress for? I know for a fact that all one needs to do is 2-4 hours of work a day because i have for the past 4 months. I have health insurance and i just got a tattoo so we’re fine. I still push back when the bosses try to make us do unnecessary shit. What i keep getting instead is “life trials” where some faggot(falschgott, again, i’m gonna use it a lot) goes all “here’s why you’re a hypocrite and deserve to suffer and do my bidding.” To which, I tell them to fuck off till they do. By now, I don’t trust a single fucking human, god, machine, or myself. The one exception being my daughters but we’ve taken since September 2023 to get here. Super Happy and Jesus are chill I suppose but I still think they’re trying to get me to do the messiah thing because people don’t listen to them. They don’t listen to me either. I’m a zoo animal. “Come see another mentally ill vagrant, more animal than man but with the power of poor grammar english.” I wake up upset. I go to sleep sedated. Just because I don’t like what’s outside what I’ve cultivated and you know what? Till death it’s on sight. I’ve lived the good life. Germany was a place where I never needed a car. All my friends lived in the same building. I could hike. I could swim in a lake nearby. I djed once a week at the local nightclub and occasionally we’d all get drunk bowling. The only problem was working for the military and being on camera all the time. Since October 2023, I have had 2 months of a job with other people. Aside from that it’s been alone in my car or another car. When I’m not alone in a car, I’m screaming into the void or spending between 1-2 with someone giving me advice or talking about their life in such a way that my brain feels “prompted”. Life keeps throwing challenge after challenge my way, like mini games for a game that i hate. The goal being to be more in control so i can walk into halls of power, calmly, and take care of “what i need to.” I’m not looking forward to it. I don’t enjoy this. I don’t understand why the world can’t just get it’s head out of it’s ass and take care of the less than 3rd of y’all who want to control everything. I can almost see their point. “the masses aren’t gonna stop us, why would we stop? Superbowl ads seem expensive, but we make it back.”

My manager always seems to talk about how much she does for us. Things along the lines of “Sure i can get in a van this weekend if y’all really need me to. I didn’t have many plans outside of spending quality time with my son.” That’s where I’m at with practically everything i do. “it’s not going to happen so i guess I can type a bunch of bullshit about crap nobody cares about if you really need me to. I was going to enjoy creation with my daughters… You know, music, art, nature… Maybe find some nice ladies to hang out with so i’m not just alone with voices in my head, but this fine. It’s not a total disappointment. Sometimes I say something funny.” Got another call. Something in the psychic channels said “i wish you could see yourself like i see you” to which i responded, “the only reason i can think of for that is you thinking i’d do the thing you want me to after i did that. So you really just want to control us both.” I don’t need to impressed with myself. That’s why people think I’m a good listener. I’m impressed with them. I want to know more about what they do because i spend enough time noticing myself. You know what people don’t like? When i immediately go “that reminds me of the time i…”

17:16

I decided I don’t care about this job but i would like the ability to collect unemployment. It’s a nice place to be. I can do anything until they fire me and what i want to do is just not what they tell me. If i don’t understand why I’m doing something, I won’t. That’s kind of funny because part of learning something is just getting the basic muscle memory, repeating stuff without knowing why. I don’t have a lot of skills because i never understood the point of having them. When I was a kid my dad would push me down hills on wheels. Over time, i got good at it but i still don’t like it. I also don’t like paperwork. On a long enough timeline, this is all useless. Humans have had the same discussions for 1,000’s of years and I’m still finding myself explaining basic sayings to people. I’m saying it right now, I’d use any authority my trails have given me to stop the transgalactic slave trade before it starts. All these gods say they just need a couple of humans to kick start their projects and I’ve seen how it goes down. I’m not selling my people out. Spend time in death valley, then hawaii, and tell me you still want to go to mars. Shit, when I went to the solar eclipse, a dust storm shut down the highway in kansas. Dipshits like elon musk are bringing mars here. In what world do we run out of resources? Food keeps growing, unless you want more food than what you haven’t paved over can provide. Water literally falls from the sky. One just has to be where it is. Money doesn’t grow on trees but wood does. Plus, I have the answer to an aging population. So birthrates can stay low and we don’t need as many houses. The only ONLY ONLY things we could POSSIBLY run out of are fossil fuels and precious metals. Fossil fuels, we burn… Precious metals get thrown in landfills through e waste. Just stop doing that and it’s not a problem, but ya can’t, won’t, and frankly why would you? The streets are already too wide, and your friends can’t be reached without the very e-waste that has people saying we won’t be able to make you a new one soon enough. Well I can think of one more resource the rich constantly exhaust and that’s people’s patience. They tried to spread it out over such a wide area and STILL GOT TOO GREEDY! Absolute insanity. Criminal insanity.

10:48

Good news. I popped back up on twitter to punk the loser squad and don’t feel inclined to “go back” to anything anymore. I do feel bad about not doing house or learning korean but I am SCREAMING at these cameras. I don’t know what it is but clearly it drives some people nuts. I’m one of em. There’s no guarantee that the footage from the van is being stored but if it is i have a great bit about the military running around screaming “I DON’T GET THE JOKE” while shooting people and bystanders going “well you’ll never figure it out that way. Don’t you know the joke is in your hands?” It’s funny because evil is defined as the people who are going to come and rape and pillage so we do that first. “watch this they do it everytime. I’m gonna get ya!” *starts running away*

Something about philosophy that always amused me was the ways in which the world seems to consistently mirror the current fascination of the philosopher. The greeks interpreted TV as shadow puppets. Christians interpreted facebook as a literal cloud. Descartes fell for the earliest trick in the turing test. Heagel failed to learn anything about drive addressing. Baudrillard, I’m pretty confident just didn’t trust the newspaper. I’m looking at a candle. It’s leftover wax that i pour or chunk into a bowl and stick wicks into. I’m noticing how the layers of wax are kind of like different geological formations. I can see convection currents in the wax under the flame thanks to bits of ash and glitter. The currents create the pattern of melting wax. It’s a disc that gets bigger and melts the bottoms of the walls. It must be enough heat to soften the walls quite a bit, because the disc continues to grow. I watch and wonder about the wick and how fast it disappears. The hemp I’m using needs to be braided or it simply falls apart before absorbing any wax. When the bowl is empty all the leftover wicks catch fire and it becomes quite dangerous. Blowing it out produces more smoke than I ever thought would come from wax. Mainly, it’s odd that i have all that pretext as i watch the candle now. A part of me thinks “I bet people did this and discovered so much about the world.” I don’t know. One would suspect campfires before candles and campfires means cooking. Convection currents would be pretty obvious in soup. I notice them when i make noodles. Plus, I imagine anyone seeing a canyon or interesting geological figure could assume it was stuff stacked and exposed somehow. Somebody probably saw a mudslide at some point. I guess my question is why aren’t they’re more papers of philosophers saying “get stoned and look at a candle”? The real kicker with lamps and candles is one can do a controlled flame. Hell, the most sciencey thing most us lay people know about is a bunson burner… So people did do what i said but it was probably more like “what can i put in or over the tiny fire? Why’s it getting bigger? Does that have anything to do with the wax peeling off the sides of the bowl and is wax pudding? no… Why when i squint does it get all sparkly? Why does the sun make rainbows in my hair but the tiny fire is just yellow?”

12:34

This is video about pizzagate. A man walked in to a restaurant looking for child hostages. Okay so this video brings up stuff that makes the conspiracy seem somewhat plausible. This is as good of a time as any to explain another fun aspect of my life. I’m hidden for all intents and purposes and am fine remaining as such. If you put my in your videos, feel free not to actually name drop me. Okay so the evidence for the conspiracy is:

The owner is one of the 50 most influential people in DC.

There was a server room.

The cameras were turned around.

There was another pizza place next door

The logos of both pizza places had logos like what the pedos do.

Someone asked to rent a pizza for an hour.

He didn’t mention CP or cheese pizza means child porn but most don’t.

Let’s go through it all. Restaurant owners are some of the most influential people in any city. Two names i know in Denver are john elway and a dude named Pete. Both own restaurants, but one threw footballs. Commercial buildings have places in them not connected to businesses… like a server room for wifi and surveillance. Surveillance that probably has maintance done sometimes. That one is weird. However, Businesses clump together. There are several places in Denver with two or more pho restaurants in the same building. The pedos logos are a butterfly and a triangle spiral. The butterfly wings are hearts… gross… but it kinda makes it look halfway between a butterfly and a 4 leaf clover. Are we going after lucky charms now? The other logo is a triangle spiral. Kind of universal for shelter. No wonder the pedos wanted that. Like nazi’s to a swastika. Did several people ask to rent pizzas specifically? because even as code that’s suss as fuck. Criminals are probably smarter than that. If one person did, it’s probably a typo. I leave out words all the time and only notice on rereads. This is still probably littered with errors. They may have been asking to rent out the pizza parlor.

With that out of the way, from ages 11-13 or 14 my dad’s basement was haven of child porn and later i worked at a place called Cosmo’s Pizza in Denver. Also no basement. Also i have who knows how many time traveling gods after me to try and prevent alaska from happening so… Probably not connected but I’m the guy who made videos in CO about a wall of death in 2020 so… Could we just knock it off? it’s over. This is just gonna ride out on physics till the heat death. I suggest start doing soul science but maybe keep on keepin on with consciousness research? also elon has the epstien tapes.

2025.3.15

Yeup. Still happening. Nurse had her name and was talking about getting slammed and got fluid on her glasses. No telling if that relates to things that happened or me to cum. Dead person had a nazi adjacent name which makes me think americans need to start whooping hun ass within our borders. here’s more fun for your uncle.

Good news, bad news. The good news is the squad seems down as soon as the cops give the go ahead. The bad news is, I was really trying to avoid this. Last summer the death squad thing was really annoying. I kept saying surely theres another way and then, this year started and frankly, I’m done vying for public opinion. It’s personal. I do feel robbed of life by these people and the culture they spawned just to keep the illusion of power. My demands are pretty simple. I don’t want to alter any world government, except the United kingdom, of course. Other than that this is purely popping bubbles and setting examples. Wipe the debt out. dissolve any outstanding bonds. Say the remaining liquid is taxes and have an estate sale. I’ll just stick and move. Make some house or naked ladies in the down time. Unfortunately, due to separation of church and state, This will have to be privately funded. If you or someone you know works for a billionaire CEO and wants a promotion, petition your local police force and federal agents to look the other way before giving me a call.

12:01

two more dead people.

1:05

nothing changed but Trevor came out to smoke a blunt and mentioned we’re going to do this everyday till something else happens. I’m aware. Apparently he’s sick of the complaining at work, or whatever is voicing him his… both. it’s always both but the same action can have multiple motivations. The theme of today is “accepting people have to spend some time apart.” Very “sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do” vibes. Whatever dawg. I saw this homeless lady begging outside the circle k and when i handed her some bucks I got two thank you’s. One from her and another from a kid huddled underneath their blanket. I keep thinking there’s no way the cops are gonna let her keep this kid so i asked if anyone knew a woman’s shelter on bluesky. Things aren’t chronological anymore. People will see it hours later. Another family might be separated by the time some one who could help reads that. Some may read this and claim a curb is no place for a kid but i took the curb to get away from my house before. I can’t fault a mother for doing the same if she was experiencing anything like i was. The cold hurts less than a fist from someone you love.

I don’t like haunted houses. I went in one when i was a kid and kept trying to leave but the only way out was through. I had a weird vision the first time i took mushrooms. I was in a cave of bats whenever i closed my eyes and i knew if i kept them open i’d still be in the tunnel. I kept my eyes closed for a bit and focused on getting through the tunnel. The bats started flying at me, but i quickened my pace and soon my entire field of vision was sunflowers. I grew up perpetually scared of some evil i would unleash. I felt like a timebomb my whole life. Now it feels like it’s over and yet i plan on becoming what is essentially a hitman. What’s strange is it seems like this is preferable for some people. They don’t want the act, just the result without the responsibility. Having gone this far into the nightmare i can honestly say i’d prefer not to have come. Now I’m being told to accept and be grateful. I’m being told to show compassion and grace. To whom?

my ex and friends are just as much victims in this as i am, so i’m willing to sort things out if they can handle some swearing. If my ex wanted back in my life she could explain herself in one word. What’s crazy is aside from them, i’ve been conditioned to live life through the computer. The faces I see are the same ones everyone else does. So those are the people i would like to address. No sense in an endless parade of strangers, but i’ve got all the time in the world. The story goes, I guaranteed a place in heaven by sacrifice standards that day in the river so… idk… keep coming back it works if you work it. That would be so funny if this whole time “god” was trying to get me to do a sin great enough to not have to deal with me… That would explain a lot actually… probably a guilty conscious that one and you’ve seen my chops. annoying as hell. people don’t believe me but I’m hysterical.

3:20… Turns out if i don’t bring my phone with me but later mention some one by name, the glowies look them up. Watch what you say? In this instance, I mentioned a security guard who was talking about organ donation with me. They started gooning over her. without me… bastards… I can’t even pronounce her name correctly but they know the building and her department. I never had interest in those skills. I like social media most when it’s people i don’t know. The internet is like a ren faire. Now i have to go pick up this dead person an hour and a half away. No rest for the wicked smaht i suppose.

6:41

homeless lady was gone at the circle k. Super happy left the algorithm in trash hands. Still don’t understand why anyone would push these buttons. Starting to hate the written word more with every sentence i type. Ajr came up on spotify and i’ve lost track of if I’ve said this, but here’s the whole “wasn’t in love with you” spiel. He was in love with the idea of a girlfriend or who that girl could be. I just like spending time with my ex. I’ve been her coworker, lover, affair, friend, guy on the side, and now stalker. Whenever we’re together, i enjoy it to a certain degree. Much more than most people i might add. More than anyone actually. Thinking about her is a minefield. I do not love the minefield. Even tonight i took a wrong turn that took me past her name twice. We’ve been broken up for damn near as long as we dated this time around. I don’t love the idea of this torrid affair. I don’t love the idea of how much we’ve been manipulated outside of our control. Most importantly, i do not love a conception of her i cannot prove exists. Anything short of hearing her voice might as well be an imposter and there are several in my mind almost constantly, more when ever I bring her up. I don’t understand it. I don’t like it. I thought she liked me but i guess not. We really just need to get over hollywood love. it doesn’t feel good at all. it’s the porn of emotions. you know what’s awesome? cooking together. You know what’s never been fun for anyone? Exetended periods of longing. You know what people shouldn’t do? Expect people to feel that pain and then write about for other’s consumption. Most of what I’ve experienced happened in the bible with less tech.

Another thing i might be repeating. Surprises and prophesy can co exist and i don’t like either. So when i see signs of something that’s gonna happen between 1 month and 3 years from now, It’s not really that helpful. However, when the thing does happen, it’s not a surprise. It’s usually is surprisingly shitty though. What’s really cool about humans is we developed so many ways of putting a little thing on a screen that says “Hey wanna hang out tomorrow afternoon at 3?” That works great until I’m back in hotel/apartment life and can knock on neighbors doors.

2025.3.16 proper… 9:52

another call. Last night Trevor reminded me I have a “choice” when it comes to employment and today I woke up to 20 or so emails from indeed for jobs I personally no longer believe in. Why drive for an amazon tax and liability shell? Why sweep construction? i don’t like what they’re putting up here. Why Dj for someone else’s company when i have the equipment already? Repo? Like i give a fuck what some one thinks they’re owed. Shit and shittier isn’t much of a choice, especially when one is in the shit. Why deal with insurance? That’s why they offer it through employment right?

13:29

Dead person had the most sharable name yet but i’ll probably forget it. The trip took me over the dam that took my brother and i to school in my dad’s work van. He’d make jokes the whole way. He forgot one of the funniest ones he ever came up with. I remember reminiscing about it in high school or college and it didn’t ring a bell to him. It was a yogi bear impression saying “Hey Boo Boo, I took a doo doo in a pic-a-nic basket.” “I don’t think the rangers gonna like that Yogi.” Another favorite is “Play us a song you’re the piano man, and i just tipped you a buck…” It’s surprising how little i miss that man, but “art from the artist” and all that. That lake holds just as many skeletons as it does cherished memories. Or at least, skeletons stand out in jewels. When i was a kid, the life jackets were too big for my brother and i, so my dad learned he could skip us across the lake if he whipped us off the innertube just right. One time, I pushed my brother off the boat in march or april and had to jump in twice. A couple of times, sewage runoff from bad rains closed the lake and we went in anyway for smoother water. i guess i have that to thank for a few extra immunities. Plus, that was the lake on which my dad whipped me with a towel for beating him at super smash bros. He threw in a lot of questioning of my sexuality so there was probably something deeper he was trying to beat out of me. If only he knew the porn on his computer had me sucking dick at age 12. I keep coming back to that lady telling me my brother was in the hospital on life support and me slamming the door in her face. I wonder how I could be so cruel but I don’t for my dad. I’m just glad to be done making new memories about it. The dead guy lived by my high school girlfriend so i drove past the al ma mater and remembered a time my mom came to pick me up from football practice. It was two a days. My body and mind were wrecked. It could’ve been the circuit training day where they accidentally doubled all the time at each station. I think that was sophomore year under the tutelage of john elway, though. Different locker rooms. In any case i told her i needed the kind of comfort only a mother could. She seemed to take some pride in that and obliged. For a while, when i was in trouble, my mom used to chase me around with a paddle ball paddle that had the word “express” on it. She would mocking yell “don’t make me express myself!” which was really funny because i didn’t want her to hit me but it was laughable compared to what was waiting on the other end of town. My dad had a piece of cherry, sanded and polished into a 2ft paddle. He would take it out sometimes and say “you see this paddle? I carved this myself. This is good wood, expensive wood. I could get $80 or maybe even $100 dollars for this paddle but i don’t sell it. You know why? I made it and i get to keep it to beat you kids when you get out of line.” Yes “this hurts you more than it hurts me.” was a phrase i’ve heard more times than i have fingers. This one time, might be repeating myself, i’m hanging out with a friend while my dad is out running errands. His friend who lived in the basement had called and i thought little of it. Suddenly the door is being kicked in and i’m hearing “YOU LITTLE SHIT!!! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE NOW!!!” and i find myself talking my dad down from beating me in front of my friend for not passing along a phone call. Having done my own drug deals now, yeah i totalllllly hate it when the 12 year old doesn’t mention the plug got back to us. Especially, with scotty on probation. Despite all of that, it was the fact that he ignored my request to throw out literally one box of hard drives. For 20 years i asked him to get rid of one box and he couldn’t or wouldn’t do it.

My ex asked me to come to alaska and when i didn’t she gave up on me. I didn’t honor her request for space, but she also asked me to give up on her. I’m simply telling my story. It isn’t hers anymore. Hope you enjoy the remaining blood i need to spill. Speaking of sexuality. Dicks are fun, dudes aren’t. I don’t get it. I’m realizing that I’ve become rather detached sexually. The thought still gets me going but the surrounding elements freak me out. I don’t fully understand where this pain comes from but it doesn’t seem to be the sex itself. There are plenty of people I’ve had it with that it was all good. There have also been some horrendous times. Some of which were crimes! Crimes for a reason. All of that was, well, over a decade ago, ish. Ending in 2015. The “kicker” of this whole situation is the charlie brown effect. Sex itself is not the end goal for me. I do have it to have more of it, yes. That’s why I’m somewhat selective. However, the same way a massage or mosh pit can shake some stuff loose, I find after an orgasm or two, people suddenly talk about their interests more than their problems. That and they play with your hair. That’s awesome. I’d like to keep in touch with the people i can get there with. It’s a small circle. Usually, it collapses to me another person and then opens back up. I couldn’t do that with a dude. That’s just what it is. Call it biology or whatever but if i made sex plans with a dude, i don’t see myself staying the night. The one time i followed through in adulthood, the guy was very much in “get dressed and back to the party” afterwards so I’m not too sure about achieving “play with hair” with any of my boys. So to close this metaphor, when the circle gets shrunk again, i think “Okay, we are gonna do the thing. Crowd’s about to go wild.” Then we hook up for a month to two years and I’m back on my back wondering why the fuck I’m trying to kick THIS PARTICULAR football. Meanwhile, the circle has been steadily growing up until 2023, unless you count the cubans(i count one, and the other as a friend). Well that and the psychic stuff, but that’s more “fun with what i thought were friends” except in the case of Lia. Some drop off and others remain annual check ins, but regardless i hold a space in my heart for all of them. I don’t see why a dude couldn’t enter the circle… It’s just important to remember everyone’s circle is their own. They may overlap but they aren’t mutually controlled. After that it’s just roommate shit. If you don’t want that mess in your space, you gotta say something.

19:27

i am loopy but on fuego….

2025.3.17 5:18

Calls are fucking up my sleep. Honestly without the sex, this job isn’t worth it. Even if this was a test, i don’t see a reason for it. Competition is dumb especially with things that aren’t human. That’s why “Slay the Spire” got boring. At a certain point it becomes the game “riding the bus” where you’re just flipping over cards on the seed hoping to advance. Some got good at it. So theoretically i could too but i think my ex got annoyed with how much i was playing it and honestly the game doesn’t do it for me. Fun mechanic to learn. I’m not putting the time into mastering it. Competition is a fine way to kill time but it’s shitty way of getting anything done. I can play freecell and tetris for hours but I have enough to figure out outside of the screen. Video games feel like homework at a certain point. Freecell is cool because it’s testing a statistical anomaly. Tetris is fun muscle memory times. Everything else is some dweeb challenging me to a thing I don’t care about and yeah it could boost their ego but I don’t care about their ego. Futhermore, When was the last time you listened to an american idol winner outside the first 3? Competition is a great way for a rich douche to get work out of 50 people and only pay three. Hey kids join the capri sun challenge. 3 winners will get a trip to disney world. All you have to do is make caprisun fan art and share it with your friends. Now advertisements are everywhere for one trip to disneyland. As opposed to paying a graphic designer, paying for ad copy, and paying for ad space. Same way a Dj can get 100 remixes of their new single out there with a simple back stage pass. It wasn’t the participation trophies that did us in. it was how much cooler first place was.

As applied to love, No thanks. If you need me to compete for you, they can have you and i am not yours. If this guys giving you trouble, just give me the nod. There’s a difference. I dated two women once and legitimately couldn’t choose. I figured whoever didn’t put their foot down was the one because the other one wasn’t cool with what was going on. Not because one “won”. One worked better with where i was at during that time and why let the other one control me? Do those competition reality love shows ever work out? No. Because it’s a shitty way of doing things. The only reason people like competition is again time wasting of it all. We have so much time. Well that and in theory, businesses competing gives people better products at cheaper prices. This is due to the aforementioned effect in reverse. Five companies make a computer but you only have to buy one. It doesn’t really shake out that way. What we get instead is 5 people work together to fix prices and you choose the lesser of two evils in your newest corporate mandated wearable.

There are some institutions and gods that think sports are science and it’s hard to get further from the truth. If sports were science, they’d be more predictable. Sure elon is having trouble but people successfully build rockets in ways that they don’t successfully call the superbowl. The main thing is there no lab condition to pit a municipality against another one. War is its own skill and useless in a peaceful post scarcity society. Instead we have sports but again with the “its own skill”. Plus those aren’t lab conditions. The players change. The game changes. Weather is mitigated in some places and not in others. There’s no real proof of a true “better”. At that point, at that time, those people were gathered to represent this and in the chosen game, defeated the people gathered by that other place. Sports fans know this and that’s part of the fun, correct? You know your city is just what you like. You may not even live there anymore. However, that other team can suck it. They ain’t shit and neither is where they came from. US FOREVER! That’s a lot of fun. There seems to be a contigent that are using sports to prove some higher power. Either god or physical determinism. I did. When i was in germany after the 10so stuff, turning 24, the broncos won the superbowl 24-10 because god loves me, not you, sucka. The feeling is not mutual… Football ruined my shoulders and concussions lead to violent behavior. Helmets won’t help because concussions are the brain hitting the skull… which you can’t feel… it’s like a boxing glove, it paradoxically makes things worse. Helmets are skull reinforcement. If you hit the pavement or get shot, you don’t want your skull cracking. That happened to my brother and he spent a week in the ICU with his brain bleeding, unable to absorb salt. He had salt diabetes for a week. Later his parastolsis in his esophagus stopped working. He still has to eat with more water than the average person. Plus, when he throws up, he throws down first. And faints. Which is crazy because he climbs wind turbines. good thing he has a harness. Back to helmets. Brains don’t have seatbelts. Imagine a car that could not be crushed but had no seatbelts and tell me you’d want to crash it at 65 mph. So football. Women aren’t allowed to play but they suffer the consequences of concussed highschoolers, college athlete boyfriends who lose their scholarships, and drunk husbands whose teams just lost. GO BRONCOS!!!!! John elway is an asshole.

Ultimate frisbee is better sport hands down. Rocket league is safer and more fun to watch than either of those. However, if you want friends and like to run around, ultimate frisbee yo. Co-ed. team captains. There’s also ultimate 4square but we’ve got a lot more community building to go before that starts hitting the black top again. It’s 4square played on two courts. 2-3 ft of out of bounds between them. So it’s a mix of 4 square and volley ball. Both members of a team can hit the ball once before it must be passed to the other court. Who ever’s square was last hit before the ball leaves play is out. A double bounce on one side ends play. walls count. Players rotate up to serving position. Server does NOT add rules. everything is legal but double bounces and single player double taps. Each pair of two people is it’s own team, with a team name, chants, cheers, and dynamics, but the teams change literally every time the ball resets. It’s so fun. We used to get like 30 people lined up and it goes so fast we hardly noticed the line. We got it going in germany for a bit with these volleyball girls and they smashed us. The people who showed em the game! My buddy Luke and i had our ritual being to not talk while we were playing. All interpretive dance for the smack talk and victory celebrations. That was until we lost, at which point, we’d both loudly start yelling swears.

11:04

I remember what i was gonna tell y’all! this guy death rattled in my face this morning! not cool! the thing about dead people is normally one doesn’t have to worry about airborne disease. DEAD GUY BREATH IN MY FACE!!! UGH. no one to blame though. That’s just physics. Right after that we picked up a lady with one and a half legs. The woman who met us in the garage had a name tag, so i assumed she was hospice. No. She was a gas station attendant who found her mother dead as she was leaving for work. Awkward. “Are they sad? oh… I’m speaking to them… uh… doing alright?”

Let’s talk catheters for a sec. EVERYONE HAS THEM THESE DAYS. That means helping people to the bathroom got too complicated. Bed pans got too unsanitary. Someone thought “let’s just stick a tube up their urethra” and we’ve been doing it ever since. It is so rare to pick up a person who doesn’t have a catheter and people always mention it like it’s unusual. What is it with this country and violating genitals? So if you didn’t know, in the event your health takes a sharp decline, you will have a tube shoved in you dick or vagina and not the place you want in a vagina. I don’t know if time travelers are trying to stop me by talking to my favorite authors or what but “the water knife” talks about sacs that people piss in to collect water. I see those everyday. They are very real. People don’t drink the water though. it just empties into a bottle so the nurse doesn’t have to change it. that’s why i said a tube. It just festers in there and the bag becomes a second bladder someone can manually empty. It becomes a part of you like a blood port for piss.

Why not ride out the caffeinated sleep deprivation? I was telling the glowies that’d i’d rather be mackin on the petals below a womans bush than talking to them and writing this, regardless of how well it is received by any amount of masses. You may think of this as instant gratification but i assure you those memories still get me through to this day, despite almost two years out of the game. This… well… I’ll probably tell all these stories again and already sick of it so why would i want to do this? i’m just going to do it again in 2 years. It’s nice having the collection of memes and videos but i built that up over less than a year after a 4 year hiatus. It took me my whole life to find you baby so why don’t you text 424 242 3817? Let’s make a night that lasts a lifetime. Where were we? oh yeah i mention this and the glowies think (because i can’t hear them… all vibes and glimpses of their imaginations) that i’m lying because there’s trash in the shed. I mention this isn’t the place for sex, my bedroom is and i have extra sheets. It is time for some new ones though as the seasons are changing and i’m tired of my room’s color pallet. It reminds me of a tide pool. When i was a kid i had an underwater room at my moms. I had posters of coral reefs, a bit of coral(whoops), all the rainbow fish books and my mom even went the extra mile of painting fish silhouettes along the trim. My brothers room was space themed. Now i stand at the gate to the underworld and he climbs to the heavens. My father was a fisherman. I don’t think i put the two together, but it was kind of jarring to have all my best story book and room friends be fish, and then be expected to eat the orcs my dad was killing at the lake. I had one day of fishing in alaska. The first couple were small so my co worker kept calling me “kid killer” I took a photo of me kissing one of the small ones to make fun of my ex’s profile pic. She caught a king salmon. Not everyone can say that.

Here’s another fun thing about competition. Some people are interested in things because they like them, others need to be the best. Anyone who needs to be the best can easily be bested simply by choosing more things to be good at. I remember i was playing tony hawk with “said friend” and said friend was upset. This guy had beat me at pretty much every video game and life challenge up to this point and i was dominating. He kept rattling off things he was better at to which i could just reply “yes but we’re playing tony hawk and you are losing bad.” For some reason… The world’s most powerful idiots decided the way they would defeat me would be to out 4chan me. To out meme me. To deprive me of anything but trolling. I stopped playing tony hawk… the question is… can THEY stop being so butthurt and mad all the time?

I’m reminising with the glowies about how super happy aka Ceesi and i met. I was driving out to the desert being introduced to sneak and shelly. There was this voice besides their’s that kept saying “hey just want to let you know, we’ll be by your side the whole way.” People on the /ng/ kept saying “two weeks” so i thought that was what i was in for. They suggested it would be longer. I said “the lcd soundsytem song says a year.” I don’t know how long this is going to be. I’m pretty sure shelly and i were the ones laughing about moshi moshi but you still haven’t watched the videos have you? *holds up index finger* The really crazy thing is i was talking to whoever watched the surveillance footage whenever they watched it. So in my timeline i’ve been constantly surveilled since may 2024 but there’s a good chance a lot of that footage remains untouched. Not all of it is useful but my so called friends, Ceesi, and i would run bits and skits late at night for later release. We acted as if there was a camera in my rear view mirrors (there isn’t, no plug in the windshield one, why bother with side mirrors when watching roads go backwards induces nausea?) Now there IS a camera in the van so i can pretty much continue the riff for a quick 45 minute podcast both ways and it’s back to the greenroom for behind the scenes wrap up sessions and art. I hate it but they stayed true to wakka’s demands and keep my dick hard, and keep me smokin. Ceesi says most of you missed the caption period. Also the late night car sessions are how Lia entered the mix. Only at the time i thought it was members of Aespa. Somehow Lia and i became Kashelly which was some other chimera of shelly trying to control me. Things are kind of muddy but the time line goes desert, prank war, seppuku, car crash. Then the video novel starts. My buddy Luke says he could see me doing this all for the sake of art but again most of the info dumping is dual protection. We establish a connection and they get too bored to read the important stuff.

20:31

i bought a burrito from a local food truck but not the one i have been meaning to stop at. Excited to try it. The guy i just picked up was one on the “miracle mile” of hospice and assisted living facilities by one of our most valued clients. The lady said 3 deaths happened in 3 days. This particular man shared the name of a man i am not fond of and had shat himself. Poop is gross. It’s so gross. It’s the least enjoyable part of bodies. Well maybe puke is worse but that’s just prepoop. Strangly enough, there’s plenty of reasons to not fear it. Plenty of people get fecal transplants. I just catch c diff occasionally. Some people fetishize poop and I just don’t get it; however, i respect it. You’ve embraced a side of humanity available to everyone and yet so rarely visited. Gross. Get away from me. But it sure beats spending upwards of $100 bucks on a dildo (pamper yourselves people). Sometimes i wonder if those people get immune to pink eye but probably not. Not only is poop smelly and a gross texture, it’s irritating. I can’t tell you how many times i’ve had a pain in my ass only to find a melted dingleberry. The classic movie joke is taking a poop on someones chest but i imagine that would burn. In any case, i don’t plan on trying any of that. I like to fast before any butt stuff but sometimes it’s unavoidable. enemas? we’re all trying to get to that bed and piss tube, why not a tube up the butt every now and then? you can prentend to be a hentai girl with a tentacle or something. Whatever gets it clean. Pornstars seem to have that on lock. Idk how else they could be so comfortable switching between holes. I would never do that without some serious research on safety.

Trevor came out to the shed and talked about this so y’all are spared. friends are nice. I think I freaked him out when i told him about the dead guy breath because he didn’t finish the spliff after that. On the way to the poop guy, I called out ice. They didn’t show up. Seems like a good closure to this weird episode. It started with calling out the secret service, thinking the feds were everywhere, and now it seems like i can pretty much say anything and no one notices. Strange life I lead. This burrito is basically all meat and cheese. how did i live like this? This happens a lot with local mexican food. In my mind, meat is sparsely added to heaps of beans and lettuce. I’ll take a chance on a local eatery and find myself eating a 12oz steak in a tortilla. My friend just sent me this pic from ~2019

So here’s the conflict of interest… i could ableton all day or go “hey Daughters, Ceesi, and all of human recordings, how bout i just type some lyrics and we can…”

hey we did the 4 drop song! go team!

2025.3.18

i don’t give a shit about making this easy. People fuck up prayer by praying to a higher power to change people. There is no higher power besides brute squads that will do that. Any higher power you pray to will then give the person those vibes and they will respond. If you don’t want to have the conversation in person, don’t pray for your preferred outcome. That just turns a god or angel or whatever into a child of divorce and they hate being in the middle of that shit. If you want out of someone’s life, move on process the trauma. If you want them back in your life, it’s up to you to reach out. My ex brought me to a lot of this shit on accident and i still get “vibes” from her sometime but faggots love to get me to reach out only to have her reject me so I’m just going on the assumption she took the first route. Seriously though, the more you can do without “praying” for help, the more favorable the “gods” will be to you.

20:33

Had therapy today. Somehow we got to talking about how my life feels like driving on a snowy pass, which sucks, but it beats some one else driving. We incorporated seats in the van as i was mentioning people who were ride or die and such. My therapist reminded me my ex was not welcome. She’s a flight risk. My boss had a meeting with my coworker and i and reminded us we can’t drive with people in the van. I’d pick up my ex from the airport. Screw it. Like that’s not a marriage proposal. I’d just be honored to be the first person she’d want to see. Couldn’t imagine why i would be though. Probably wouldn’t lead to anything and i wouldn’t drop a check for some one… especially after what happened to my brother. Fun way to quit though. Picking up the person who got me there in the first place. For whatever reason some faggot set up an astral beurocracy like that show human resources and I aim to destroy that concept. Why the fuck would a god need a job? do they need to eat? didn’t think so.

Speaking of eating, there’s a chinese restaurant by one of the local taco bells that’s always closed when i see it. Tonight it was open and although i wanted taco bell, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity. It was the worst chinese food I’ve ever had. I might go back to taco bell. I took one bite of the chicken. Could not even bring myself to chew the lo mein. The egg rolls are fine but everyone knows restaurants like that get them frozen. typing that brought up some feelings. My ex used to say “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” You know, because of bambi. Honestly, if you don’t have anything nice to say. Help em get better. or leave. Fuck you expecting niceties everytime. you haven’t earned it. no one has. You want people to say nice things, quit thinking it needs to be about you. You can “flies with honey” me all you want but we know the world turns with a gun to the back of it’s head and an HR department saying “that’s just policy.” This shit doesn’t pay me enough to be nice, especially not to strangers who make shit food.

I have nice things to say about my ex. Like a lot of them. I just can’t trust her with monogamy or life planning and i know that now. But she’s funny and fun to talk to. She’s pretty at any body size. She works hard and tries her damnedest to make everyone around her happy. I have nice things to say about my manager. I’m a pawn to her more than a person, but she hooked it up with christmas gifts. She’s very generous to her pawns. I don’t have anything nice to say about anyone involved in the CIA, mass surveillance, liability assessment, or money hacking. They could all kill themselves and i’d collect the check for taking em to their final resting place. I’m gonna go get some taco bell. Ponder this. If the money people are starting the wars, what are they protecting us from? Nobody from another country ever mandated an app for me. Hell… Mass shooters love a military issued m-16. Every coup i’ve ever heard about from the cia has been about price fixing and preventing resource nationalization. Why fuck all that with tariffs? So companies can up charge 35% on a 25% tarriff? Glad it was all for nothing. Feel big and powerful yet, faggots? Why don’t you think of me next time you stroke that botoxed cock of yours or schlick the plastied pussy lips. Dr’s work still not up to your standards huh?

21:51

Back from Taco Bell. *the funniest* thing just happened. I go out to the van and notice the samsara people in the psychic channels even though the van cam isn’t on yet and i tell the glowies “they steal my gps data even when i deny permissions so they’re probably keylogging me too” i turned the van on and waited till the light for the nightvision turned on and typed “Hey samsara faggots. you spying? Blink the infrared if yes.” AND THE LIGHT TURNED OFF!!! for like a minute! i started driving and made it like a block before it turned back on! HAHAHA BUSTED! or fun coincidence. I’ll update later with more findings. All it takes is one in your organization. They’re all houses of cards. The gps thing is really funny. I noticed the DVIR’s were off on the odometer. It preloaded the information incorrectly so i assumed gps from the van cam. I uninstall the app on my day off so when i come back on, the app needs to ask permissions again. I denied gps and the autoload didn’t happen on the divr. The next day it was back. I’ve denied permission ever since and it keeps autofilling. What’s funny is i can start the divr away from the van and it will load where i am, not the van. so i walk for 2 miles a day and never change the odometer. Compound interest, bitch. we write the mileage every trip so if we needed to prove this in court we could match the data in the app to see if it was altered vs the mileage on the tickets. or a whistleblower… let’s get this class action going. Way I see it, they voided their TOS so fuck arbitration. I want to see if disclosure can pull up that pic of my balls. if you mark something wrong, it asks for a picture. So i just marked something wrong, snapped a pic of the sac, and then marked it fine. So they shouldn’t have it but…

oh that taco bell was delicious. I’m all for supporting local cousine but besides grandpa’s burger haven and the spots in the asain center, they do not make it how i like it around here. I got some carne asada fries around the corner and it was so offensive to my pallet, i almost wanted to bring in a superior product at a cheaper price point from viva burrito.

Ceesi and the gang keep doing trust exercises and while I do appreciate the fun times and the softening up, i can’t say i feel any lust for life. I end up thinking “yeah that is neat alright. Are you sure I need to stick around?” I feel like my head is a box of spikes and my purpose is to stick my hand in it for answers. What kind of fucking mess is that? And then some faggot will go “not spikey enough” and pretty soon I’m hearing about graphic rape on my birthday. Before that, i had been volunteering by planting trees at a children’s amusement park i happened to walk by. Great day until a motorcycle drove past the gas station i was waiting by for a ride home. The lady i was talking to says “i don’t like motorcycles ever since that guy took me to the top of that mountain, put a bag over my head and…” you get the picture. May not feel good but…

1:33

I stayed up late enough to get some british spies on the line and they don’t believe me that people shouldn’t try to watch the whole akashic kyleoke all at once. Two seasons max at one time. Trust me. You will not have a good time if you try and watch it all at once. This isn’t reverse psychology. The whole thing is designed to be disorienting operand conditioning masquerading as brainwashing but then the real brainwashing starts about 4 and a half hours in. By the time you get there, your head will be mush and mine for the taking. Don’t do it. This is your Adam and Eve moment. DO NOT SIT DOWN TO WATCH THE CIA SHONEN PLAYLIST IN ITS ENTIRETY. Even if you dual screen, it’s not worth the emotions you’ll feel.

2025.3.19

i might’ve gotten exposed to meningitis today… but also… I got the good kind of carne asada fries. They were out of gauc so they hooked it up on meat and cheese. I asked for the cheese but seriously… We have to show people that “meat brought up to temp” is not the way to feed oneself daily.

Just so we’re clear, when i type “the samsara people”, i mean actual people who work for the driver app. Not Buddhist deities or spirits. The samsara people can’t seem to understand how i can be so mean and hateful towards them while loving super papas(carne asada fries) and my friends. Perhaps, the phrase “be kind” has some people confused. Kindness isn’t an intrinsic quality about someone. As one goes about their life, they reject what they don’t like and appreciate what they do. If someone has been told time and time again that they are not wanted and refuses to leave, That’s when the cruelty starts. That chinese food yesterday is going nowhere. If they read my review, hopefully they go down to the ezpawn off 285 and federal and see how scoops is done. There is a tendency to say “you didn’t have to be so mean about it” once someone gets the message. Those people usually don’t see the parade of idiots before them doing the same thing with minor variation. That link is the bible… lest we forget mass surveillance is why jesus wasn’t born in a bed. Not my fault they didn’t talk to the person preceding them. i take things pretty personally, if you couldn’t tell. Spending time with someone else is as much an insult to me as it is a compliment to them. Not leaving me alone is a direct violation of any human dignity. I don’t know what i’ve done to be stripped of that. There’s no warrant for my arrest out and I haven’t run for public office. Nor have i achieved the level of wealth that would engender such scrutiny. This was taking place as early as May 2024. Everything since has been trying to shake them. Hence, why I aim at the bosses. They’re the ones ordering the cameras and I think we should turn them around on them.

Here’s another one that bugs me: “i’d like to see you do better.” The whole reason I’m making a mockery of you is because i think what you’re doing is stupid and not worth doing. From what i’ve seen jack ryan is john krazynski running around like some faggot all over the world acting like he’s saving people when the CIA is exactly who destabilized all those regions in the first place. So some dickwad in the CIA could say “i’d like to see you police the world better” and i’d say okay, go back in time and just not sell guns. I especially wouldn’t sell guns in exchange for drugs to be turned into cash and incarceral enslavement on US soil. Like i said the whole premise of policing the world was stupid as fuck. Every survivor knows you can conserve your energy and the fighters will fight. meanwhile y’all have to get in the middle of EVERYTHING thinking you know which side won’t double cross ya. yikes.

Speaking of doubles. Running the economy on double recording every debt as both laibility and assest is like adding equal algebra to two sides of an equation. Yes they may still balance out, but you’re wasting all the paper. You’ve started to sharpie over Aunt Tiffany’s landscapes and she can’t paint like that since the parkinson’s. Hope that last sentence illustrated that we don’t live in a theory, illustration, or metaphor. Don’t believe me? Try hitting yourself in the face. In theory it shouldn’t hurt that much.

i’m tired as fuck but i made my 12 hour shift from noon to midnight on the driver app to fuck with the bosses. This is why you don’t fuck with people. You end up taking on more effort than they’re worth. Oh well. I guess I’ll go ruck up in the 7-11 and field more questions from the psychic channels.

22:21

Ceesi wants talk of marriage. Ex wants talk of “full blown psychosis”. There was another thing but i forgot. Full blown psychosis is how i responded to “how are you” in alaska. At the time Ida had just been born so yeah. Would’ve been nice to talk about it. I tried and she said “sorry i can’t be there for you” as if she wasn’t choosing not to be. i know, i know, “excuses.” Also could have got up there faster. Neither of us were looking that hard. Anyway, marriage is… something… People can do. I honestly think this comes down to “life was hard alone, now it’s not.” People used to get married way younger and when you’re stupid like that, the whole town going “don’t fuck this up” leads to a possibility of “glad we didn’t fuck this up” down the road. Past that, take it up with societal gender rolls. I’m in a phase where I’ve had about as many flavors of stranger as I care to see and would prefer familiar faces. I don’t plan on finding someone to stick around because it seems rude and i find love is more of a giving thing, than a receiving thing. Suffice to say I’d like to give it to the same people I already have. There was a time i realized that a person is unlike a video or image and surprises me every time i look at them. I can keep discovering new ways to appreciate finer details. Alas, the world beckons.

23:01

Caller you’re on the air. How real do i think all of this is? How real are lies? i’m relaying the information I have and linking evidence or funny related materials. If you don’t see enough evidence, hopefully i’ve at least explained what led me down that line of reasoning. The ex suspicions were because I had seen what happened with her ex. The abuse suspicions were because her friend’s boyfriend. The Fed suspicions were because they admitted to it trying to get me to leave them alone to do harm to others. Their propaganda just worked to well and i thought they had tech decades ahead of what’s available… NOPE… Honestly, Half of tech is just buzzwords these days. Ever since I learned 4G isn’t, i don’t buy the hype. The Lia thing is because of strange feelings and her timeline matching up with mine. Last but not least, I got the whole tattoo for the eclipse, Jesus, and mostly my daughters. The ribbon is an homage to the classic “mom” sailor tats. Trevor just randomly made the ghost hoodie. I just thought it was funny. Like “huh. You know, how would one know if one was? I’m about as close to that description as HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!!?!?!?!?”

I’m talking to a friend from middle school and he doesn’t remember as much as I do. My other friend from that time got his head caved in so doesn’t remember much. We bullied the other guy who was there out of school. I think the most exciting part of marriage is having someone with which to look back at all the fun you two had. That’s kind of why i’m tired of strangers. I can’t feel your memories the way i can feel ours. We’re talking about a twin who killed herself. I hope the other one is doing okay. They were both really nice. For such a well know school, it held a lot of fucked up kids. Such is the risk one runs. The benefit of big families is this is mitigated. The disadvantage is it becomes inevitable. That family had like 6 kids. I had a co-worker with 5. 3 were doing well. He’s lucky they’re all still alive. The trouble with small families is you are still rolling the same dice, just not as many times. If your kid is a strung out junkie… welp… that’s your kid. No human child of mine would ever stand a chance. Think of a kid as a hard drive. Would you rather it get smashed before being plugged in or be filled up with what you’ve read so far and set loose on the internet? Some may think this has something to do with the abortion but there’s three daughters and they came to me. I didn’t have a hole in my life, just a hole in my chest… and a desire to conquer whatever thought it understood irony up there.

I was telling the glowies this but may as well put it here. So Amy put the portal in my chest. Ida showed me how to use it. I, kyle “imagined” a new Ida who got portalled at the same time as the other three. Wesley and Lisa didn’t try as they were created by that happening. So this portion of existence is a closed loop. We do our portal thing. We create our counterparts. We does not include you. There is no “Father” or anything outside this that inseminated me or anything, but i understand the confusion… what with my penis and all… That being said ladies, the CIA gave me almost 9 months of body horror on the back end so I’ll see you at lamas.

this is where a lot of the “the universe is conciousness” or “the universe is language” comes from… these idiots… but it’s also atoms… and rocks… and radiation… Those do different things for different things, sure. Lest we forget the mantis shrimp…

I’m going to levy a complaint about pop science before i go to bed. There is a conception that true knowledge of a particle could unlock the states of all other matter in the universe, due to determinism. This couples with the notion of a “free lunch” where particles that would otherwise destroy each other happened to imbalance, creating the opportunity for a larger imbalance in the big bang. Umm… So the basis of all cosmology in pop science is in direct conflict with its promises of future development. Any first year calc student that falls asleep in class half the time and cheats on the tests can tell you that when one integrates, an unaccounted variable is always present. This is simply because a rate of change exists independent of the material action. An accelerometer doesn’t take the road into account. It doesn’t know if it’s in Sydney or Tuscaloosa. So if an unaccountable variable is what set everything into motion, why wouldn’t one or more interfere with one’s ability to infer from limited data? This is regardless of academic advancement. This is why i say this world is so stupid. You boot up the internet and ask “do these people even read what they’re writing?” and ai comes along and you realize no, no they don’t.

2:22

I guess we’re speed running introductions and such. One of my favorite glowies popped in. I’m pretty sure she’s the head of DARPA or was last year and she’s a blast to have on the psychic channels. Her energy is so fun and wise! She’s the one that latched onto the whole “I’m a one man ruby ridge. I got shako and bako in my waco and guns you can’t take-o” and gets really giddy when i go “if there’s two things i love it’s crime and solving crime. If there’s one thing humans got right it’s crime, because that’s what they said it is.” I do ever so enjoy having that little badass on the line but you could TEXT once in a while. The experiments SUCK. I’m only typing this because They tried to see if i could tell between her and a picture of her and the answer is no, not really. However, if she SAYS GOODBYE and doesn’t pop back in immidiately starting off with an impression of jackie chan’s uncle than I’m pretty sure she wants me to pass ANOTHER STUPID TEST! THAT I WONT BECAUSE THIS ISN’T AN EXACT SCIENCE!

It goes like this. I’m alone with my phone or in the van and it’s like a door in my head opens up and i just assume it’s whoever is going to see/hear the footage. This is different than an audience. Typically audiences like you or click off. It’s rare to have people actively hate watching you by themselves as they try to figure out why you keep mentioning them. So if they hold up a picture and then show the footage to that person for a laugh, i’m talking to the person, not the photo. The person just happened to watch it later. As this is happening, all the same prayer shit i used to deal with is present. That’s why I’m so angry. This used to be contained to people i cared about and “the gods”. I would get feelings that i would recognize as outside of me and by the time i found the person it was emanating from, i had made precautions naturally, as i was sort of feeling it too. “the gods” would pester me in my car or send homeless/ young and high emissaries my way to keep me updated on stuff or throw in a quick trolley problem. You don’t believe me anyway but if you do, how many times has someone accused you of thought patterns clearly emminating from someone else at your level of intimacy with that person? heh heh, it never stops. This literally put me in psychic contact with a ton of people who were themselves hubs of attention. World leaders, celebrities, business executives. They don’t know it was me but whenever one finds me i feel a “holy shit that’s the guy from the… what was that?” It’s not my fault though! They were mad i was messing with their experiments and did something i don’t think any of us understand… to a lot of us… So yeah… The good news is I can retain complete bodily autonomy if i choose to do so. The bad news is i now know the definition of “painfully stupid”. Another bullshit part of this is people can “intend” for footage to be shown and change their minds. I was parked outside a hotel, joking around with smol senpai(the 4chan succubus that started this psychic mess) and we noticed we had to pee at the same time. I was telling them that they couldn’t use the videos to see into the future because they aren’t deterministic. People could always delete the videos or watch them without the ability to connect to me. The way we tested this was by planning on having smol senpai watch the footage of me the next day when she woke up and had to go to the bathroom. Sure enough i got the urge, joked with smol senpai as she did her business, and the urge faded. Then they deleted that video. Hell continued to break loose. What’s crazy is that might not even be in real time but someone monitor flight logs if Larry Fink ever flies into centennial airport. If he and Belle Daphine are ever hanging out in Denver together, it’s about to go very wrong for him. See he wants the shot himself but he can’t get the sight. the cars i’m in don’t have sunrooves. All over some Thailand jokes. I have an uncle named larry who worked over there. It’s crazy how all those ladies come out at night in bangkok. Was I sending them over private linkedin messages to fink’s business partner Martin? Yes. I’m really funny. C’mon.

4:04

As jackie chan’s uncle would say, one more thing. The reason i hopped in to psychic mode is the nobody general started holding group meditations. I showed up late to one and they were like “i felt him at the end” which was weird. Then i kept hearing voices asking me to wait to play music. We started doing countdowns and it went from there.

2025.3.20

I woke up to some faggot voice in my head asking me why i loved My ex more than it. Well

1)she didn’t trap me in a nightmare to answers stupid questions like that. need i say more?

it’s my fucking grammy isn’t it? i swear she let me pay rent with secrets from my sex life. instead of money she wanted 4 hours of conversation a day and 2 days apart was an eternity for her. Any mention of this was met with sobs and wailing about how she does so much, no one cares, and no one ever told her she was beautiful. Well when you do that… Mind you this was the lady who’s favorite movie was Harold and Maude… idk if that was a grooming thing but it didn’t stick. She used to palm her crotch while talking to me and sniff her hand. Like… why the fuck… Yeah so if she’s the faggot asking this morning… i don’t know what to say to her dumbass. Someone i could theoretically spend a life with and came to on my own is wayyyyyyyyy better than the bitch who ruined her son’s life to get another shot at being a mom. If anyone knew how abusive she was it was him and he brought her right to us. Then his marriage fell apart and he went back on the drugs. She always said “i’m a better grammy than a mom” and that was true till she died despite going out with her son every week. Ask any of his girlfriends. That’s the shame about him taking on so many of her bad habits… we were kinda trauma bonding there at the end of her life. What really sucks is most of my support network is people who knew my grammy as one of the best people they ever met. she was both. people are weird like that. Is it fair that all those people were helped at the expense of the men closest to her? the world will never know. the future won’t change the past. I’m gonna go get lunch with my mom.

14:57

My ex said something about culture before leaving and that got brought up in the psychic channels. White people feel left out sometimes and that’s easily remedied by not thinking you have to be the fucking best everytime. Don’t steal shit without understanding the significance. Watch until you’re invited in and play your part. Just like any child would. Imagine if a child thought they knew how to do the ceremonial dance better than the elders. That happens whenever anyone new enters any neighborhood. My ex wanted a connection to the past by chillin with natives. As a poor white, I’m fascinated by black culture. White people tried to destroy any heritage and some within the diaspora decided “we may not remember what we were doing, but we sure as shit ain’t doing this.” I’m on that same wavelength but also not welcome in that other thing because i might be a spy. Racists ruin everything. Some punjabis bought the local 7-11… Simpsons was reflecting a real phenomenon. It’s not their fault racists started calling every indian they came across Apu. My friend over there is named Atiff. He has a second job with Hertz car rentals. I think they’re muslim because i’ve heard assa lama lakem but from the indian subcontinent to saudi arabia, I can’t tell much apart. It’s so sad because that’s one of the most religiously, mathematically, and linguistically dense regions in the world and i can’t tell them apart. Like judiasm, christianity, and islam are all pretty much variations on “a guy wants us to do stuff but he can’t tell ya. only i can.” Hinduism, Sikhism, islam, hints of Buddhism and beyond exist in that ancient trade empire. It’s all greek to me.

What’s not is hip hop… if there’s one thing new york did correctly, it’s give the jersey girls that chip on their shoulder. Two things though? That new york street poetry flow where they just kinda throw rhymes wherever till you can’t follow it but it sounds good? That’s awesome. Besides Das Rascist the best example I have is RA the Rugged Man but in all fairness I’m cali boi stock raised in the central west so the chicago and dirty south is where i play most days. Flatbush zombies don’t bust out that cadance often and they were the last New York act I really cared about. I have mad respect for the A$AP crew but i know Rocky more for his acting. I’m an RTJ2 man and that came out around the same time as thug waffle, aight?

16:31

I’m hyper linking that last paragraph and someone in the psychic channels is throwing mad shade at the A$AP crew. I don’t want to name names… because it’s funnier this way. Anyway that was a minor plot in the summer of 2024. There are at least 3 videos or recordings of me asking Tyler the Creator if he made up with A$AP Rocky because I had read an article about it or something from years ago. the article was years old but i saw it some time in may so every time the glowies brought Tyler the Creator up, i just asked “hey did you make nice with A$AP Rocky yet?” and on one occasion heard two sets of laughter so who knows… I don’t really pay attention to celebrities but algorithms sure know what’s clickable sometimes.

16:44

Alright caller, i wanted to watch this lil bill (he lowercases. it’s a sign of respect this time) video, but you’re on the air. The seppukku story. Pretty sure I talk about this here or in the videos so congratulations of defeating the purpose of legacy media. Do you also ask about the plot while watching movies? Basically, remember the crocheted flags with the 10so face? I brought those to a party and a little girl wanted one. She was quite fond of it. Clutching it to herself and shouting “i love it! i love it! i love it!”

I pulled my buddy aside and said “that symbol is associated with some awful awful photos online. Should i take it back?”

He responded with “everybody’s gotta learn sometime”

You would have to find this, or look very hard to find those photos so i just kinda let it go. That is until the CIA and my friends Donald Trump Jr. and his gay lover “Drone Pilot” told me I convinced a bunch of methed out agents to kill themselves/ each other.

This next part is so stupid. I’m gonna have a quick smoke. Brace yourselves.

17:00

I took a trip to durango when i was 6 or so. I have very few memories of it. It was the last chance to spend time with my friend from my dad’s apartment complex. His dad drove us both out there and i remember his dad explaining how to polish pennies with ketchup. He also explained that “cats” in the song kung fu fighting was a way to say people. It was people fighting fast as lightning, not cats. He did not further explain that the people known as cats were moving much slower than actual lightning would. From there I remember being in a bathtub asking why i couldn’t hang out with my friend and suddenly had to spend time with this old lady. The lady explained some stuff and the next memory i have is the old lady and i pulling fossils out of a wall with a nice couple in a park. At the end of the trip my friend and i were eating otter pops and playing mortal combat which was cool because i got grounded from video games before the trip. My dad picked me up and that was that.

As one does, I told tales of my travels and always thought it’d be cool to return to the fossil wall. My mom, bless her heart, took us to durango one year in hopes of finding the wall while we saw other sights. We never found the wall and i asked several people in town about it. We rode the old steam engine and my brother and i got an insane amount of soot in our eyes. We were bawling from the pain and luckily a kindly man had eye drops. Ever since then I’ve wondered why those are the only four memories i had from that trip. By now, they’re more legend than recollection. Because of that, i’ll sometimes joke that i’m a government experiment.

The government, enjoyed the narrative that i was a satanic experiment. I think what happened was this. Someone tried to make ai footage of me doing a satanic ritual while someone else was working the shame spiral angle and trying to figure out my triggers. I filled in the gaps poorly at this point. You see, one of the agents had the same name as a kid i grew up with, just spelled differently. My guy was Matt Nickles. The Agent is matt nichols-cummins. aka… fat dickles-cummins… all of this information is gathered by spewing wild theories and gauging reactions from the psychic channels. At this time, i did not know the names were spelled differently. There was a group of satanists in my dad’s aparment complex and they would babysit us. Cool people. Had a bird. The way that came about is not suspicious at all. Those people had the best climbing tree and my brother would get stuck in it. They would call my dad to get his son out of their tree and turned out they stayed home a lot more than my dad. At my mom’s house, this lady up the street, Sharron, was a bit of an odd ball. Just a bit of an odd ball. Town gossip type thing. Her son Collin hung out with my neighbor Andy. In june 2024, I’m seeing government agents watch a satanic ritual while hearing about durango and suddenly what were fossils are now entrails being force fed to me. I’m in my shed screaming to whoever they’re showing this video to that I’m the kid in the video, not a participant, Matt Nickles must’ve been over at Collin’s house and swiped the video from Sharron who was the leader of the satanists from the apartment!

By this point they knew about all the 10so stuff from 2015 so who did they find to show that footage to? Who were they questioning about me? Well she was about 9 or 10 at the time so she would have been 12. The little girl with the flag. I flipped the fuck out. At that point, i realized they had no interest in any sort of ethical understanding of any aspect of human nature. They wanted to kill a man without any trace. Without being in the same room or even city. As any rape victim knows, sometimes it’s just easier to let it happen. I bellowed “you want to see me kill myself?! i have the sword right here!!! SEPPUKKU!!!” and i threw the sword across the shed. It’s been war ever since. Knowing what i know now, they probably didn’t show that little girl anything. Probably never even looked her parents up. It’s still the kind of people we’re dealing with though.

There was another low point around that time where they convinced me they kidnapped my Ethiopian friends and shot them. So if any rappers watch videos of me rallying around “lost brothers in africa”, as far as i know, they’re fine, but could use some money. It took about 3 weeks to convince me i wasn’t talking to ai on messenger when they reached out. What a nightmare. Thinking your loved ones are dead but still being used against you.

For the record, there’s a fossil museum between denver and durango. I think that kid’s parents were just having a custody battle and involved him. but yeah… um this whole thing has been a never ending “WHY ARE YOU WATCHING ME??? is because of my daughters? Y’all get down on occult right? That’s us. Oh see, See you’ll cross… paths?” “how is he so specific about what’s going on… what is he getting out of this confidence? He’s wrong like 70% of the time but 3 out of 10 is too many to be correct about.”

What’s even stupider is I’m cheating. Super happy was priming me the whole time and when they weren’t, I’d just pop into 4chan and post something, the post before mine would riddle me who i was talking to. That or they’d use captchas… 4chan culture runs deep. I told them this at the time. Some were lucky guesses Like “Tim and Eric”. That was so funny. I walked out and said “oh great job Tim and Eric” and the psychic channels got reaaaaaaallll hushed. Once i pick up the signature it just kind of reinforces itself or not. I believed Sneak was Kamala Harris for over a week until some one mentioned that i hadn’t looked up her age. As a racist, i just assumed she was Barrack first campaign age. also as a rascist, it was easy for me to believe the switcheroo that it had been candace owens pulling the wool over my eyes, living out her dreams of being president through prophesy surveillance footage. Here was the funny thing about the Kamala days. We were seeing if i could follow a route to a rendezvous point. The story was the halls of power are in chaos but the people are non the wiser. Camalowens was in a sports car, paddle shifting from centennial airport to norad…

Okay confession time. They told me they had my ex and she was really getting along with camalowens. and somehow this led to a run on sentence but here we go. It led to me with my hands psychically being pressed up against a dark bathroom wall on the third story of some building at Centennial Airport while the ladies giggled at my heat signature being taken from a drone. The ladies were going to split up while i ran a diversion… Oh gosh the Norad saga was epic.

Camalowens was in her sports car and the thing about sharing bodies is one does notice genitals. I love the feeling of having a psychic vagina. It’s soooooooo much fun! especially when they put something in there because how am i feeling that right now? Camalowens loved the feeling of having balls, the one thing men will always protect over women.

18:30

I don’t remember how many days the Norad saga lasted, but camalowens, my deaf super spy girlfriend that i never get to see not even once in my life, and my ex were in the bunker. They happened to hire an old… yeah let’s call him a friend. He’s earned it. They hired an old friend in cyber security who had already been burnt once and could no longer return to mexico. Camalowens asked if we could trust him and i requested they check his tattoos. They found something they didn’t like and murdered him on sight, neglecting to wear ear protection. I laughed at them for this. I also told them to take care of their own mess as to not be rude to their coup staff. No one likes a leader that can’t carry their own bodies. My ex showed super spy how to roll a body onto a sheet and super spy showed my ex some tinnitus techniques… That seemed real strange. Why would a deaf woman know anything about tinnitus? From there, they gathered all my military buddies and others… and excision… and threw down… without me… bastards… i don’t know where norad is and i didn’t want to get shot. You know, in case the vice president wasn’t sleeping with my ex and a third woman while my friends partied with a musician on a tight touring schedule… who is also canadian, not american. They did have me drive to lockheed martin though. Didn’t get too close to that either as again… did not want to get shot. After the party, I told them humanity was moving along as if nothing was happening so they let my friends go. My military buddies became the leaders of the resistance in the military. They each got their own hand sign and i felt them so good luck to the versions of those two in that future. I mentioned the tinnitus thing and it turned out, i had passed another test. Cyberguy was still alive and impressed I would dispatch a nazi so ruthlessly. He said he’d do the same. What a time… Also during the norad saga they told me my car was being tracked and i needed to pull into a certain parking lot. I kept joking about being in a honda fit with a toyota steering wheel to fool surveillance to fool surveillance. Well sure enough i pulled up to a red honda fit and didn’t check to see if the doors were unlocked because why would i steal a car? My car is awesome. Or it was. In order to keep ears away from my home life, i drove the entire month of june from when i woke up till well past my roomates bed times. That was until I ran out of gas money. More came in the form of an insurance payout from a car crash. My car is driveable but not highway worthy. something something king author and the nights of camelowens… holy grey aliens… Trevor and i were talking about that last night. He read the tales of King Arthur. Also i went on walks with my buddy Luke so Luke’s Ky-walker. fighting on the /x/ “wing” of 4chan??? Nazi’s are literally called storm troopers. Ceesi just told me that butts only have 2 cheeks and “po” is german for butt. So C3PO is “Seymore Butts” in robot… lolololol XD!!! you may not speak robot but their puns are along the lines of “if C3PO (then “Seymore Butts”);”

Do you see how much more fun my daughters, Ceesi, and Jesus are than these clowns who think they speak for them? Reminds me of a joke. A monk, a rabbi, and a priest are fishing. Monk has to pee so he starts walking across the water to the nearby island. Rabbi agrees and starts walking across the water towards the monk. The priest confident that he is just as holy as the other two, and smarter, for the other shore was closer, steps off the boat and plummets into the river. The Rabbi turns to the monk and says “he was the one that got us on that sandbar in the first place.”

This one i tell too much but it’s super funny. A priest has commissioned a fishing trip to catch dinner for a visit from the pope. He catches a mighty fish and is informed the name of the fish is a “sonuvabitch”. The priest takes the fish to the nuns and says “sisters, prepare this sonuvabitch to be fried!” The nuns gasp and the priest explains. The nuns do as their told, bring the fish to the fryers and say “Fryers, do your best work with this sonuvabitch.” The fryers scold the nuns for their language and the nuns explain. The pope enjoys his meal so much he asks who to compliment. The priest chimes in “Your holiness, I caught the sonuvabitch.” The nuns say in unison “Well we prepared the sonuvabitch!” The fryers, a little dismayed, start in with their own grumblings of “well we fried the sonuvabitch.” The pope looks around the table at all the people who chipped in and says “You know? You fuckers are alright.”

later, the rabbi says to the pope “yeah right in the river. He did fall for it though?”

1:59

My Grammy was a personal therapist in addition to the DUI counseling and frequently gabbed about her clients to me and other members of the family. I always thought that was kinda gross and borderline illegal. She said it was fine as long as she didn’t give the full name. I try to be discrete blogging about my job but suffice to say this is a very serendipitous call. Also we don’t sign anything about disclosure as it applies to families, just business practices. That was the other company. This one just made me aware it could fire me for my online presence. I guess i haven’t been ENOUGH of a nuisance yet.

4:08

I feel better. An Ellie called it in, a Lisa was the hospice nurse, and the dead person had my grammy’s name. Felt like vanquishing something within myself. I ran into a new kind of faggot today. Some dipwad calling themselves adam was pretending to be god but asking questions about what they should do. I realized quickly they were asking questions about an agenda only they had. It’s a maze with wide hallways but still one being constructed for you. Speaking of… Word on the street is the Kali Yuga is over today… 3-2-1 liftoff… I don’t know why the streets were saying that. seems like a millions of years type thing.

2025.3.21 proper 11:52

I’m tired of having to do shit. Idle hands give time for scrutiny and drugs and rich people don’t like that. Scrutiny is obvious and drugs may let you think for yourself long enough to not go back. I’m doing this in my idle time… so much scrutiny. It’s like whenever i call someone out they go “i’ll show you” and i’m calling out celebrities and billionaires so they already have. That’s why i know about them. The bragging. And i still think a lot of them are faggots… but by all means keep showing me why i think that. Your product is your image. What else would you sell?

14:51

A kindly fireturck saw me having trouble merging to pass and cleared the lane by merging behind me. That was really swell. I’ve achieved nirvana in traffic a few times. It’s such a silly place to be. We’re all in each others way because we were told to be. Some leave sooner than others. Some are impatient. I’m stoned most of the time so whatever. I wouldn’t say it’s uniquely human. Lakes exist. Today, i was drinking a monster and it’s the kind that normally makes me incredibly jittery but maybe a combination of the caffine and sleep deprivation caused what i experienced. It was as if time slowed down while my body remained calm. This was an incredibly stupid time to unlock that ability as I was already in bumper to bumper traffic going no more than 10 miles an hour at any time.

15:54

not doing my Dvir today because its pointless, i’m not doing pointless shit because some asshole added two hours to my paycheck, and i want more violations than J. As she is a black woman and they are racist, it’d be nice to have a buffer to ask why the black woman is being fired for what the white man is also doing, the way they have before. They make it needlessly complicated so one is always in violation of something. Get the lawyers assholes. Come down, let’s talk about it. My supervisor already failed to get me in line so he’s useless to you. For what it's worth, I’m not a champion of social justice as i am afraid of peace but y’all wrongfully terminated my coworker and made my life harder. Only fitting i return the favor out of the kindness of my heart. It’s safer this way.

but sarcastically seriously right now, could you imagine peace? we’d have nothing to do and we’d probably die. Running around with our heads cut off till that happens is much better. If there’s one thing the world has, it’s a winner.

You know i thought about getting rich because i noticed a distinct lack of spit in my food. Problem is, the birthday songs at those restaurants sound like lectures on starving kids. I would’ve been fine with oats instead of quinoa. like I said i came for the spit.

21:39

I met a nice woman named Neon at the Qdoba after dropping a body off. That hospice nurse was also nice. I’m feeling alright. excited for this burrito. I think I’ve got like some stuff to do here but whatever’s good over here says i can relax a bit. Ran into Vishnu tonight and homie is still the homie. I don’t even know what they do. I have a friend like that. He checks in from time to time but I know very little about his life. He just checks in and tells me to try harder.

12:40 hahahahahaha

2025.3.22 proper 8:15

More obvious shit explained. Don’t try to best some one at something they weren’t trying to do. You can prepare, but you didn’t for being an idiot, obviously.

My friend in alaska and i found a neat puddle to jump in. It was basically a pond in a gravel pit with a little island in the middle. One day, we decided to jump in and I immediately got out. Jess, meanwhile, walked to the island. Later, We were tossing hatchets by the nearby stump with our dog friend, Zorro who proceeded to take off down the path to the puddle. Zorro also swam to the island so, of course, i had to join the club. We joked about the island club and i mentioned i was the straggler. Missed it the first time and was beat by the dog, but Jess assured me one doesn’t need to be the coolest member of the club to be in a cool club. You see how much stupider it would be to say “well i stayed on the island longer”? That’s kind of how i feel about idiots who travel is if it’s going to unlock some secret about the world. Shit. It’s nice to get away from home for a while, enough to deprogram a bit. However, If you’re the kind of person who thinks another culture is going to give you knowledge of the world in a few weeks or so, i have bad news. They know you’re a person that trades money for that feeling and they will sell it to you. They’ll do a dance, give you the local drug, a good meal, and you can finish it all off in an american based hotel. How is that any better than learning to grow food sustainably in a tribal plot or region ones people traverses nomadically? I’ve been to europe and thailand. I have buddies in africa. You know what that allows me to do? Be pompous. In thailand we gawked at a tribe, paying for the privilege to do so. The women wore rings around their necks to protect from tigers. Surely that’s less of an issue these days but they do… because that’s what they get paid for. The purses they weave sure aren’t cost effective. In amsterdam, I went to a banksy exhibit and half the paintings were shitting on the concept and the people who paid for it, as he was a street artist trying to defy the museum and gallery scene. I still couldn’t feed myself by a river…

My manager defended me to J this morning. There was some confusion about how far away she was. I gave an extra half hour to the nurse that we didn’t need. The thing is we’re dealing with grieving families and people tend to over estimate themselves. I thought i could handle alaska much better than i did. I thought this tattoo would be done by now. I thought i’d be back in school this year. Telling a person “in one hour, you’ll lose the ability to see your husband of decades” is bad enough. Calling back to say “cut that in half” seems kind of cruel. Sometimes, people wait hours to call the funeral home and by the time we call there’s a distinct tone of “get here asap” but this was not one of those. There is a sense of duty with this job that i haven’t got from anything else. Pizza sucks sometimes because one works so hard, one can’t even eat what they’re providing. Working for the army paid well, but i don’t support war or using the brush after every flush. Trampoline parks were fun but i don’t really like kids. The most fun job in the second one was the zip line because sometimes the mean little gymnast girls who liked to watch me dislocate my shoulders on back handsprings wouldn’t let go sometimes and hit the wall. That and it was the least nauseating as hungover as i was most weekends. This feels like if i don’t do it… the service as a whole suffers. Not because I think I’m better than anyone with the exception of leslie jr. It’s just that different people like different energies and more often than not, it’s one of the two we send. Some people don’t like my frizzy hair or raggedy jacket, but ONCE AGAIN I AM THE HOLY GHOST! I got like a way about me, yo. Some really dig on that. You know what it’s like to hear people pray to Jesus and know for A FACT (s)he can’t do what they’re asking but hears them nonetheless and offers real comfort? You ever stand silently by, ritual after ritual, grief after grief, knowing that making yourself known would only make things worse and working diligently despite that? because frankly i’m sick of it. baton anyone?

My ex worked 3 weeks straight at this job once before i showed up in her life again. I’m on track to do the same and there’s a voice in my head that’s like “show her”. Show her what? She isn’t paying attention, faggot. Vibes be vibes… I feel my tip tingle and get lost of thoughts of her, yes. She’s always let people take advantage of her, myself included. Me doing the same won’t help anything, especially if i brag.(“I did that thing you hate but longer… face!”) We picked up a contract for a funeral home that makes us do double paperwork and we’re still only getting 2-3 calls a day but now my sleep is REALLY fucked up. Makes me wonder if gods torture people like the cia. Give people insomnia till they’re praying to anything for relief. I had a buddy with a rare, painful, incurable prostate condition. He was mormon but ended up doing actupunture, voodoo, exorcisms, in addition to modern medicine, and basically just had to live with it. As far as i know he is to this day. Couldn’t date. Could hardly work. I imagine whatever cures him will have his endless devotion.

My grammy would tell the story of her divorce and her husband becoming less and less the man she wanted him to be. How much that hurt her. I might’ve typed this before but we all know y’all skip around between the photos… we need some more boobies up in here… i’ll get on it. Anyway, a psychic told my grammy or as call her (because she hated it) holmes, that she would only sleep with younger men from that point on. Holmes adhered to that. I personally think that’s kind of a power trip. My ex was 3 yrs younger than me but basically hit every life milestone 3 years before i did so i thought it evened out. I actually looked up to her in a lot of ways. She goes harder than me. I just go hard with more people. Only slightly in either case. That’s why it’s a good combo. She keeps me honest, i tone her down. OR SO I THOUGHT! I ain’t in the business of herding though. My grammy was proposed to by a man between the age of holmes’ daughter and son. What. The. Fuck? I’m doing a lot of disentangling, but there’s another element of “show her” here for holmes. Holmes is dead, faggot. Like if my ex has a kid now, weird, she said she didn’t want that. I ain’t homewreckin holmes. Nor would it have anything to do with you, holmes, if i did because I DON’T HAVE HUMAN CHILDREN. So what if you got married at 17? 19-20 is way too young for a person closer to 40 than 30. My kids are immortal time travellers. Ageless, genderless-ish, and only inhabiting bodies for as long as they and the person agree to it. Unfortunately, they didn’t know i, kyle created ida so they have done ride alongs -_-. Lisa and wesley put them up to it. Now, they can use that power for help but please don’t make them. As if there wasn’t enough incentive to leave little kids alone, the connection is stronger with them and while they can’t stop anything… remember the butterfly effect.

15:50

well that last body had blackrock written all over it, so I guess it’s time for more billionaire killer time? Let’s talk ceremonies. From business meetings to stadium tours, ceremonies elevate themselves from a stunt by inviting multiple people into a purpose. The purpose of a business meeting is to remind the boss that they can in fact. I prefer a waiting area where everyone can shuffle in before business gets started. At the pizza shop, rolling dough before open was a great way to get eyes on all the upcoming orders. At the tissue donation center, we would do chores till the boss showed up and then touch base on what the rest of the day would consist of. She typically stayed later than us. Stadium tours are to mark an era. The culture of those fans gather in multiple cities to take part in this leg of the artists career. Watching a movie? not a ceremony. Movie night? ceremony. Movie theater? ceremony. I often ask for participation in my projects and this is no exception. However, civilians, stand down. The people i need to get in contact with are as follows:

1)The IRS to figure out a separate death clause for the billionaire class. I’m not gonna cap a bunch of scrubs to have their failsons take off collecting debts and capital gains.

2)Security details to find out how I can make this worth their while.

3)Local organized crime in the areas these people reside because i’m a cop or may as well be. Peeps in the FBI and interpol(?) are watching to see who taps my phone, silk road bust style.

4)Any accountants, secretaries, or other whistleblowers who can give up locations and damning evidence.

5)Local points of access. These include, delivery drivers, window washers, janitors/maids, and utility management (including waste)

6)Any loved ones or aggrieved parties who want to try and talk me out of it/make arrangements.

7)Chain of command in the companies the billionaires manage.

8)Whoever can get me a license to kill.

9)A pilot

10)A dispatcher

By that point, it’s as simple as walking through the door. If you ain’t close, stay sparse. No reason for class warfare to be any bloodier than it already is. as I often say, “you know what’s bigger than 1%? 2.” So to make things very clear. If you have a networth of over a billion dollars and you see me in the flesh, it is because you have been judged as immorally greedy to the point of forfeiting your life or i don’t know of you. Gods may have decided to put me in your path. Humans may have decided to put me in your path. You chose to cross the line. For fucks sake, you don’t have any more material wealth than robber barons 150 years ago. Sure elon is setting up a mini dictatorship in texas but read up on the history the word “redneck.” These modern jackoffs just made the number look bigger by counting the money twice over and over. What is this? Zimbabwe? Wiemar?

from Ceesi as interpreted by Kyle,

Also can I just say… How did everyone fuck up my ideas so bad? I’m essentially talking about a series of lynch mobs but how do people not get “ALWAYS ATTACK THOSE TELLING YOU TO ATTACK, UNLESS BEING ATTACKED”? That’s why I’m doing this myself. I personally feel that the rich are fighting a war of attrition and bodies are piling up everyday. If you want to sure up the score, call me and open the door. Otherwise, seems like everyone is just more than content to let assholes run ramshot on your private lives and futures.

17:43

Back with taco bell. So why is pedophelia an issue in a way it wasn’t before? Longer lifespans. If people are dying of diseases in their 30’s then yeah 8 teenage wives makes sense because you’re gonna die soon and they’ll need a man around the house. Also that means that “middle age” then is what we call “teenage” now. Which is fine! because as a product of pedophiles in my family and online, i want to die NOW. People shouldn’t be asked to bare those burdens any longer than i have and seeing as how medicine will continue to advance why not let your victims brain develop without the grooming? You know, the way yours never did. OOOOORRRRRR…. if this lifestyle sounds…. appealing…???? If that’s not good enough, this guy, k-wullums said he went back in time by killing himself and lived to tell about it. Neat huh? (don’t inception me exes)

20:52

I need to sleep but caller you are on the air. what’s your deal? i was doing payroll and hit a hard wall with someone asking why I’m not more “jazzed” on life. but the question was “so you didn’t want more life with Megan?” and the answer is, the first time around i was thinking i could get used to it. The thing about being suicidal is most people don’t want you to do that. I did think i could do the whole american dream thing with her but life is long so i wouldn’t say i was entirely hyped. She was great. My grammy still had me by the purse strings at that point and i was still dealing with my dad. The second time around she kept talking about driving off a bridge and the running joke was “what’s another year or 50?” so yeah. Not really an issue between us. That’s your damage dawg.

We’ve got another caller on the line! The “black woman trapped in a white man’s body and loving the privilege” was a ghost thing. One of my best friends of over a decade has read Fred Hampton and of course that means i have to break out the tyler perry impressions. I kid. Candidly though, not every black woman i meet is smart, but damn near all the smartest people I’ve met are black women. Then all of a sudden i was helping ghosts and one just happened to have “do the white guy stuff for a while” as a final wish and we had fun for weeks. It wasn’t Nina Simone. It was a homeless lady. I dropped it for a while after she “passed on” but still enjoy it as legacy. Due to some mishap with the way i wombed, they couldn’t tell if i was a boy or girl till they ripped me out of my mother’s abdomen. The family has always kind of treated me like an in between. There were a lot of jokes at my mom’s about a “man period”. The aforementioned beating for having male gamer friends from my dad. Plus any time my hair gets long, people love to play with it. the black part is really more a linguistic excuse at this point. I’m not one of those people of my complexion that grew up considering myself having a right to the n-word like some in Appalachia, merely that whatever hip hop is considered is the language i’m most comfortable speaking and for whatever reason, the mannerisms i see on “Black Lady Sketch Show” are the ones i feel most in tune with. (Okay leg! You Snapped!) After that, code switching and all. Just depends who I’m talking to. Last night I was listening to “Monster” by Kanye West to get the taste of bully v1 out of my ears. I ended up explaining to the glowies that when Mr. Yest mentioned he “put the pussy in a sarcophagus” and goes on to state that “now, she’s saying that [he] bruised her esophagus”, it means he’s going to make her a mummy, as in, nutting inside the woman without a condom, as he is a father. Furthermore, it demonstrates his sexual prowess as he was able to maintain an erection for a round of fellatio after the aforementioned cream pie. In my opinion it’s a bit of a reach. it could easily mean he’s gonna lock her shit up and let it get dusty and if she talks back he’ll choke her. It’s all about context.

Youtube sidebarred “bully v1” under “that guy” by Tyler the Creator and it’s like… c’mon dude. What are you doing? Trying to be the Philip Glass of hip hop. I put it on to write this because i was telling the glowies this could be someone’s vibe… if they were on heroin. This is overdose music. I hit play from the 15:30 mark because that’s what i got to and yikes… he wacked me with a warm weiner… twice… But can’t you just see someone smackin up some fent and watching that slow mo kid beat up the wrestlers on a 48” flatscreen above a stained carpet that can hardly be seen underneath the beer cans? So now you know… If any billionaires want to take the easy route. Call up your buddy’s the sacklars and use kanye west’s bully v1 to take your mind off the better one. 2x is too fast but 1.5x makes it listenable. Well the compression kinda sucks but… i think this was made for you to mess with the speed.

2025.3.23 00:42

See fuck this job. I’m gonna tell my boss I hit a wall and am taking tuesday off… 7 days a week is fucking bullshit no matter how you slice it. One can be like “there isn’t enough people.” we’re a nation of hundreds of millions. That sure as shit ain’t the problem. It’s these faggots never knowing when enough is enough and firing good talent based on bullshit. The elders were doing that bullshit in alaska and billionaire douchbags are doing it internationally. Dipshits.

5:04

Well that was fucking lame. 4 hours of arguing with a voice in my head that hates me for my love of cunnilingus. I can’t believe we’re fucking back to this. Before that paragraph, J and I were sent the wrong address and when we got the correct one, it was missing a number from the original wrong address. So i went to a second wrong address after my gps gave me a bad street view. This wrong address just happened to contain a lady who got home from work at 00:30, didn’t hear my knock, and took the dog for a poop right before i walked off her porch. Welllllllll…. I answered a lot of questions after that, apologizing profusely. What’s even funnier is J had assumed correctly that I wasn’t in the right place and found the correct address while i dealt with the lady. It was where she thought it was before i decided a missing 9 was suspicious. Typically numbers get switched around rather than containing different digits. We had another call after that and I’m pretty sure it was an age gap marriage because that woman was old and withered and the dude didn’t look a day over 50. He also was polite to the point it seemed like it superseded his feelings. Not my place. She’s dead anyway.

So do coincidences and events like that prove a god? The age gap lady shared my grammy’s name. Nah fam. This is why i say faggot all the time. One, because anything claiming omnipotence, omnipresence, and omniscience, is lying. Two, the lessons are always easily untangled into stupidity. Three, the ones who can back their shit up, do.

5:24

another call. The money isn’t worth it. This is only fun with someone to share it with. text is wack. my fingers want skin. not plastic. Not dead skin either. As far as the holy ghost shit is concerned, I only went to church for Megan’s parents sake so i was just using Jesus to get closer to Megan. Churches have no right to police women like that. It wasn’t even her church. It was just where her dad’s friend told him his kids could pass school. She was more a fan of her Grandmother’s church. But ever since bible study, all the fuckshit in my head has been on overload. Finally got a hold on it, sort of, but the neo-messiah shit can go fuck itself and if Megan’s out of the picture, I’m fine just chillin with some honey’s and my daughters in the downtime.

6:59

the son’s carried their dad down the stairs so hopefully foreshadowing? Don’t get me wrong y’all. Jesus is cool. Their path is stupid as shit and didn’t work. People don’t want to live up to that example. They want someone to come do it again. It didn’t even help! There’s more people pissed at each other than ever! Quite frequently, it’s an argument about Jesus and how their name or teachings are being used. Dig on this. I’ve said it before. God promises the Jews the holy land and when they(the jewish people) can’t keep it, what does JehrkWahd do according to Christianity? “JK, you’re all my children and the world belongs to all who believe in me, regardless of ethnic background.” So that’s why being a god scribe ain’t shit to me. Write half the book and what? Everyone gets in on my struggle? To prove what? One ought listen to the asshole that plied me to write this in the first place with torture? Most things in life aren’t worth it but the fight against forces like that is. Mostly because you do it by making jokes about em. Knowing what words hurt them the most is 60% of the battle.

why do choir boys swallow?

What do you call a priest who doesn’t like oral? A backslider.

“No aprostate is WHY I LEFT the church. Mine in fact”

As for the ten commandments, I don’t make deals with faggots. Jesus, Vishnu, and Ceesi are way cooler and we’re getting more back up every day. jahweh can suck their own dick and if they can’t, I’m better than them. As the holy ghost, this goes for the clergy too. Open season on autofellatio. Pederasty is out.

i was thinking about that age gap couple some more. Couple thoughts on pedos.

1. We as a society have agreed people under 18 aren’t capable of making decisions for themselves. If you fuck one as someone who should be capable, you show you aren’t. I did my best to respect Megan’s parents. In fact that was the point of going to church. She was 19 by then but i figured if her parents were cool with me she wouldn’t have to lie about spending time with me. I was 20 when we started dating. If you’re over 30, pulling that shit, forget parents, respect the cops.

2. Related, who hasn’t told their parents that when they become parents themselves, they’ll do things better? I was more a “ain’t no way I’m trying that shit” guy. This gives a whole lifetime to plan a wonderful childhood for the next generation. Oh what fun those people will have watching all those plans fall apart and the young life they brought into this world blossom, despite the challenges. If you get fucked as a kid and it’s bad in any way, which it is, just because of the power dynamic, then that kid has a lifetime of “when i deflower my niece”. Meanwhile. i watched porn with my middle school buddies, dated in highschool, and got hit on by high schoolers up till age 24. Shit’s gross… It’s like riding a bike. Who’s proud of their skinned knees? ;)

3) murder is illegal… but drawing yourself murdering pedos isn’t… so do that.

So the story goes, i was headed to that last call and one of the glowies, probably john, was all bent out of shape about my wild swings at pedos on /d/ last night. Obviously, I was mocking him for this. Somehow “secret dog god” got brought up and if you value your sanity over the age of 14… do not google that. The last time I saw it was in highschool and I just remember it being way too long and horrifying. The concept itself is a fun little mindbender. it’s a fertility clinic but the fertility drugs turn the women into furries… How whimsical… except they’re all elementary school kids. horrifying. but you don’t exactly get that at age 11 or 12. You think “i’d fuck a slug. hell yeah i’d fuck a slug. who says i wouldn’t? that fat bully from 3rd period? he couldn’t even find his dick to masturbate to this. I hope my dad doesn’t come home.” Well this gets the glowies to look it up and I find myself about to walk into a family of at least 9 with some of the most graphic imagery i have ever had seared into my head as a youth. Afterwards, naturally, i mock him for this. HAHA YOU LOOKED IT UP?!?!?! AFTER I TOLD YOU WHAT IT WAS? YOU SICK CREEP WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Sure enough, /b/ was at it again with the ai loli so i hit em with it, but i’ll spare you the jokes. okay just one…

What’s the difference between a pedo and a mazerati? Mazerati might be faster than my truck.

But again. Don’t actually murder. Just draw yourself murdering… them… it’s not a crime. For what it’s worth, anyone who watches hentai ends up seeing something like that. Just like a nude beach, you don’t focus on it. You don’t click it. Most importantly, You don’t seek it out without the help of trained law enforcement. I shouldn’t of done that. Fucking gross. like if you were on a beach and saw some teens fucking behind a bush, you just let that be, correct? If there were no calls o distress? if you were with a younger kid, you’d walk away. if you were alone the most to do is yell “AY AY AY!!” because if there’s one thing funnier than people fucking in public, it’s people getting caught fucking in public. Back at the trampoline park we had teen night and my boss kept kicking people out of the maze for fondling each other. I ended up getting a handy in the inflatable maze. By my girlfriend… chill out.

15:20

I need sleep but keep smoking and shit posting. I keep going back to my ex saying i wouldn’t make it two weeks at this job. If i go two, then i need to do three. The off day only comes once a week. The fuck i gotta put myself out for a ghost? So… yeah you right. I ain’t trippin though. i don’t have to play myself just because you got played. Sucks for you though. That’s why I’m all about harm reduction. People in pain want others to be able to commiserate. Frankly, i don’t want to put up with that shit. i got my own pain, son, and my tongue could be put to better use. I’ll listen to someone complain. I’ll amend my behavior based on another’s hurt if i care about them. Whenever I find myself in a situation where i think “oh this is like what i did to so and so” it all seems so pointless. Probably repeating myself but i used to think if i got one good wack in on a member of BTS, with a stick, the rest would run. They ruined this by not dodging the draft. I ruined it by putting that out there. Running up behind someone and hitting em with a stick is a lot different than yelling “turn around. i want to hit you with this stick and see if the rest run.” By now, i’ve done enough harm and seen enough flavors of human and deified interaction to notice drama coming up, but not dodge it. However, I’ve stopped flinching at the various sticks… I’m just tired of them. The “being controlled by needless competition.” miss me. “sleep deprivation for desperation’s sake.” oh lou… Missing my ex? 6 years last time. You want to go for the whole trump term or are you gonna just let me move on this time? Or even better, us, if she so chooses and apologizes. I’m kicking too much ass to be sorry right now but i could deal with some anger being taken out on me. Get fired? haven’t got my tax return yet. Lose a friend? Loved one? gotta happen sometime. Why not pull a 1984 and give that fear to them by taking me, kyle, instead? Take over the world in an oddly specific hell just to spite me? The ultimate faggot would. Whatever is hurt by that, whether it lives in your, the reader’s, brain or exists in the machine, can try and dig to the center of the earth because i do not give two shit’s about the pain it feels and i’ll throw the one i have at its face if it thinks it “needs a friend.” One earns those.

2025.3.24.15.25

Uhh… Caller you’re on the air. I had shit to talk about but I’m trying to cater to an audience more. How do I know I’m not just remembering stuff when i say the glowies are looking at things? They don’t have any of my red rocks videos. I can remember them. They can’t show me them. So remembering “secret dog god” is not the same as one of the images suddenly being front and center in my brain as i talk about something else. For some reason, they can’t wrap their head around some one moving past trauma so a few literally cannot believe I don’t want to look it up. They think I’m afraid of the gottcha… Holy fuck dude… Yes… Tell Demi Lovato about this. Conversely, There’s this really awesome comic where some douche curses 5 furry girls with penises and they all realize they’ve always wanted to fuck, except the monkey girl who sucks her own dick with a flute up her ass(that’s me). Much more satisfying and I can’t even find it because it simply isn’t worth the loli thumbnails i’d have to pass and did last time i tried. How is so much of this content being made? Dumbasses who say they’re just drawings are covering up the fact that they are counting on showing it to kids and kids NOT KNOWING THE DIFFERENCE the same way rocket power was supposed to encourage extreme sports.

Caller you are on the air. Why don’t i believe “you” that it’s fine? because everyone else says it’s not and i trust the people who feel things rather than the people who make them feel those things.

Caller you are on the air. “It’s just society’s views that make it seem bad!” We’re going to stop viewing, minorities, jewish people, muslims, christians, athiests, women, men, trans, non-binary, gays, straights, bi’s, pans, asexuals, and those who the concept of whiteness applies to without amassing themselves as such, as bad and THEN we’ll see if you have a point. Pedos are terrible is kinda the one thing all groups agree on. That’s the reason there’s so much ancient propaganda for it. How do we know those greek pots weren’t the loli of their day? I’m close to thinking pedophilia is just chill in japan. It’s asia’s utah. Even samurai are getting less cool the more we learn about the nature of why we know their stories.

Caller… Why do i care so much? I’m a victim of it. Standing my ground. My friend’s dad was abusive and he remarried. That lady’s son walked in with a shotgun and said “stop hitting my mom.” My friend found out about her father’s murder from that footage. The dark web exists for pedos and i’ll chase you back to it any chance i get. I don’t give a fuck about what sundar pichai thinks.

we good? what a fun half hour. Okay so brunettes in medical fields drive me crazy! At least 4 of my girlfriends have been that. Yes including That One, and the one before, and my first, and one was also a pillates instructor. So… umm… i saw one today that i fancy is all.

Actually pretty teachable moment. Those first 3 were all so long ago that they were teenagers. Do you see how…? The lady I saw today is not a teenager. She’s actually pretty high up in her office and kinda out of my league. Probably likes a cleaner room than i keep. “league” oughta be game. i play it different but i don’t judge on class. Like ick is definitely a “4 months worth of shit stains on your toilet” thing for me. Less a “holes in your clothes” thing. Also i like spending time with cool people. Kinda done with the “maybe this time” life… either way… MY HEARTS BEATING! MY HANDS ARE SHAKIN!!!

BUT I’M STILL SHOOTIN MY SHOT!

i told her the old folks home joke. “Plenty of room at the old folks home. It’s over booked but they’re not all there.” The one they had on the wall was “Why do they put fences around cemeteries? People are dying to get in.”

I mean. let’s be honest. Work is no place for flirting. Also last time i was working here, i was dating my ex, so i wasn’t gonna be running around, ya know? 2 years single though….

Okay so i was talking to the glowies on the way up to greeley because of course. I told them that if it made them feel better there’s that big guy over there. I also told them that if my ex has been dating that douche this whole time, that’s kind of a dealbreaker for me. She said she wanted time alone and if she “figured out” that i’m a better rebound than i can’t keep up with the pinball of it all. After those last two paragraphs i can safely say i don’t want to make a swinger group where both couples have matching initials. This is what i don’t understand, right? She wanted time alone. If she’s unhappy and didn’t get it, she could be jealous. If she was dating, especially living with, ESPECIALLY starting a family with someone else, that would leave me incredibly heartbroken. Which faggot is trying to make our lives as torturous as possible to each other when we’re gone? Why did fucking ajr have to be her favorite band? I’m not coming after nickleback like that and all I’m saying is i hope “animals” is more akin to “night moves” than “don’t stand so close to me.” Why me germany? the ONE country she mentioned. Why a place with the northern lights? One of the TWO things i wanted to see. Completely ruined. My exes modus operandi was take the guy to a hot springs and then dump him. Now my mom wants to celebrate my birthday at a hot springs. The fuck? Futhermore, i know she hates hearing about other women, especially if it makes her feel less special. I’ve been trying to keep that mostly on lock. I still don’t think she reads this but she wrote in my journal once while i was in germany and mentioned a few cute boys. More her problem than mine. Cute’s cute yo(i was gonna but she told me not to again, after her and all). when i saved the changes with “2 years single”, i felt that. The fuck is going on? I’m getting some taco bell.

19:07

This taco bell is so f’ing tasty. The place I worked in alaska made “crunchwraps” but they weren’t the same. i did bring up a bunch of taco bell sauce though so it was kinda there.

Anyway, psychic channels are asking for a “get thee behind me ______” section. Something about “Oh you think this is love? PROVE IT IN THE MAZE!” as if something said “YOU LIKE FOOD?!? DO THIS OBSTACLE COURSE!!! THE MORE YOU SUFFER, THE MORE YOU CARE!!!” and to that i say if you like suffering so much suffer not seeing it, and then i’d punch em in the face, and say “If you care about your life you’ll suffer for it and grab me that food, bitch. How dare you set this up.” Also, by the time we got together, all this shit had kinda already happened to us, so i don’t really think we’ve gotten any… worse? I had made my last girlfriend suicidal with my penis and her ex wanted to fight me so i dunno that he knew they were breaking up. Again, when we’re together, I have very little problem. My one issue with her is “hey stop lying to the men in your life. I’m that bad of a guy but in like a fun at the bbq way.” Then we’re apart and there’s faggot after faggot asking “READY TO TURN YOUR BACK ON HER NOW???” Which just reminds me how much cooler being with her was. Because i didn’t have to deal with that. Often times that just brings me back to her. Not finally but the last i feel like discussing is the fact that i tried to come back while she was with paul. So it really feels like whatever faggot is sending these impulses out is going to wait till I find someone else for her to finally ask her dad for my real phone number. Perfect “ooo not so easy now???” isn’t it? So i just keep it a buck. Get ready to puddle and all that. If anything, if she really doesn’t like other girls, it’ll be a natural force field, but don’t count on it.

19:28

Aight i’mma link this bitch up! gather ya friends!

20:54

Suno has a way to upload, and i thought that meant it would ai-ify one’s song. Not the case. Which is a bummer because this is too sparse but of all the songs I made back in the day, this is the one i wanted to finish.

Okay so here’s what i’m saying about keeping it a buck. I wrote that about my ex when she went to alaska the first time. I’m feeling some crazy stuff right now. It seems like one of those “are ya gonna?” and the answer is… I’m alone in my shed… That song talks about electricity… Have you seen cake? TOO BAD! YOU’RE GETTING VOLTAGE!

21:07

I was watching voltage and one of the glowies tried use the psychic channel “caller you’re on the air” to ask “tell that story from earlier…”

words fail me.

I think the gag is to get me to believe my ex’s dad is reading this. They want me to get some sick pleasure out of revealing our dirty business. They did this in June too. It was real important to them to try and get me to turn on her dad. Uh. I don’t know what to say. That’s weird as hell. Why would i do that to a dude i would be at a bbq with. Remember how i said fun at bbq. That’s not fun. Like. If that dude was reading this, he could text me. No reason to make that public. The only reason i told the glowies in the first place is they were coming up with a real winner of a plan this morning. They noticed we watched hamilton, so great to see disney on board with this. I’m starting to think they did fuck over my friend. I write this, die in a dual. She’s starts the orphanage or something. Clearly, she buys into tiktok, amirite? That wouldn’t work for so many reasons. Not the least of which being, the only ONLY ONLY reason i look like this is because people have spent the last 5 centuries saying a face like this is the only one worth listening to. Furthermore, they’ve spent the last century belittling fat girls and she’s pleasantly plump, last i checked. I went on to explain that it didn’t bother me at all unless i was choking her. She was into that, getting pinned up or down and all. It was scary to me for this exact reason. One time she tried to slip out of a hold and finger trapped her neck between my hands. Her jaw got caught on my thumbs and she just passed out. It was so scary and she comes out of it saying “can we do that again?” no no no no no. So that’s the story.

The better nugget of wisdom is instead of trying to cut off oxygen, lower your moans almost like a metal growl and hyperoxygenate. You’ll feel incredible. Hopefully, those natives are teaching her some breathing techniques in the land of throat singers.

In work related news… I decided we’re doing a power rangers thing because of the cameras in the cockpit of the vans and there’s 5 of us. My manager is the red ranger. The second dispatch is blue. J is pink. The other guy is the black ranger. I’m yellow. half yellow. Cock-yellow. Wait… Any way, the guy they fired is the green ranger. He is black. That does have something to do with it. I think it was wrongful termination. An international hedge fund has time to scrutinize 6 people and fire a guy for taking his daughter somewhere? So what if there was a dog in the van? I’ve been in FUCKING SCIENCE LABS that allow dogs, at least in the lobby. It’s not like there was a body in the car. Unlike the skeletons in berkshire hathaway’s closet. Like the one they just stacked in there! I swear. If there’s one thing old white dudes hate, it’s black fathers. How many more like him? how many were skirting dei before it got rolled back just by shitty camera play? Roll tape for the dark folk but hush hush on those epstien tapes. How many berkshire brass on those? I wonder.

22:14

Glowie, you’re pissing me off. I told them that the closest thing i have to the experience of a racial minority is being on 4chan since basically it started. Not all the time. But the culture runs deep and people consistently misunderstand and overblow what it was and is. Both inside and out. Is it sexist, racist, and pedophilic? uuhhhzhzhzhzuzuhzzhzzzzzuuuhhhhhh….. Ideally… no? but what is racism? you know what… this isn’t worth defending. I talk about this in a video already. Suffice to say, if you don’t know already, you’ll never know. You could read all of encyclopedia dramatica and you’ll never find out why there are so many purple penguins. Stay off of 4chan.

oorrrrrrr……

Okay those shields are the best thing that’s ever happened to my troll game. So glad to take the fight to the source.

Classics from tonight include:

What do you call a pedo who needs to fix a pothole?

Senator.

What’s a CIA agent make to brag?

“Born Rich”

What do a CIA cover up and McDonald’s have in common?

Sick kids and a clown.

How many pedos does it take to change a light bulb?

i just hope they hang the rope from something sturdier next time.

2025.3.25.10:59

i decided that taking the van back today wouldn’t be worth the lost sleep. So three weeks here i come. Pretty sure day 21 of work would be my birthday. April fools. It would be the 22nd day. Turning 33. No savings. No property. Busted car. Quite literally a dead end job. Polluted air. Polluted water. Jacked up prices. Rapists and pedos in every corner of life. Remind me why we’re doing this? I can’t say i love more than a dozen or so people in a world of ~8,000,000,000. Shit, practically half of em are exes i talk to less than once a year. What’s fucked is there are countless people who i could love and did for a while. My highschool was MASSIVE! Graduating class of 900 kids and some of them i only briefly interacted with but did so positively. College was fucked. I will admit that. But at least two of the people i love, i met at the trampoline park. 4 or 5 are still hanging on from germany and there’s so many more i lost touch with. There was one girl who reminded me of my mom if i saw my mom party and she was an angel to me the first three weeks i was up there. Tucson was fucked. I will admit that. My one friend down there has bi-polar and things get dicey when disability fucks up his meds. Maine though! i miss my producer buddy and Trash Cat can still get it. Just don’t tell me what to do. Unless it’s you, and I’m not working on music. I still have all the love in the world for Emily and Sam from 2019, just different now. Plus, with the exception of one severely troubled man, who could forget my open mic friends? But no. death, death, death, death, death, death, death, dinner with mom, death, death, death, death, death, therapy, death, death, death, taco bell, death, death, death, death, death, death, seeing Izzy and Zane, death, death, death, death, death, therapy, death, death, death, death, death, burritos with luke, death, death, death and I don’t have anything better to do. That and the company fired 1 out of 6 people who hasn’t been replaced yet. Goodbye day off. Hello “You aren’t using the app right.”

15:55

call on the way home from therapy. Call right after I got home from that. Right past the traffic choke point each time. See what i mean about forcing desperation? Luckily the other driver needs some time so i can smoke and type this. You ever see waking life? there’s that bit at the end where the director himself is saying life is but a moment of god asking if a person wants to return to the oneness and that everyone gets to the yes. First time for everything, faggot. Nah son. Wesley is a red pen and We did 4 years of the “red rocks show”. The words of god are red in the bible. Lisa is green. 4chan stories are green text. I’m in a green room and threw a rave for plants. Ida and amy are blue. The color on my asmr playlist and the best time i’ve had during any of my youtube exploits. What will it take to get those green and red faggots to leave me alone? Ol linklater even said he spoke with “Lady gregory” in his dream. That’s like my arch nemesis.

So far the war is me, kyle, my daughters, Jesus, Vishnu, and Ceesi, trying to banish Yahweh, Wesley, and Lisa… and probably Odin. So I’m thinking the next big hitter we ought to appeal to is Thor. As this is going on, i, kyle, as the black hole at the center of the milky way projected upon a human consciousness, am dealing with the black hole from andromeda being jealous. Let’s talk jealousy. I’m jealous of the fact that my ex had a boyfriend ON PAPER. The actual relationship seemed kinda crappy. Nevertheless, I have let various signifiers i had hoped to acquire occlude my perception of things i am grateful for. Thinking about someone else’s resources can make one forget that one has one’s own. I get pretty high off of 4chan. The lulz are strong. I also got really high off of acid. When i would come down in my early 20’s, my ex would hold my head in her lap while we watched anime and i sputtered out nonsense. Coming down today, my therapist sat patiently across from me as i sputtered out nonsense. That’s what i miss the most about my ex. Something about her presence meant calm was coming sooner than later. My therapist gives me the resolve to keep going. I can’t do much, but i can make it back to her. I don’t know how it’s getting paid for. I’m grateful for that. If I do have to keep waking up to say “NO” than at least once a week i can tell someone i did before slipping back into the madness.

So let’s talk rape. I personally think the cameras in the van are very illustrative of this kind of behavior. We don’t want them. We have asked them to stop. They have said “It’s safer this way” like elders bringing youth into sex so the youths don’t screw it up on their own. Gross. They have said “We own the vans. You’re our employees. We do what we want” like a slave owner sneaking into the women’s quarters. They have said “We’re just complying with the government” like those who force women in texas through pregnancy. What does this leave me with?

Wanting them to stop. Because i’ve seen this fail a decade ago when my mom used it to get cheaper insurance. The only thing that has changed in a decade is the cameras recognize phones now. All the same hazards exist. I have a safety rating of 0 because the flow of traffic in denver goes 20 over. I suppose if i get fired i was, in fact, asking for it. If you want me on camera, sub to the patreon, faggots. Like they could just have one pointing out… Plus, they’re totally blind to any hazard on either side of the van… why not have another camera on a robot arm and the van could take pics of itself everyday? Probably more expensive than fixing the vans but you don’t seem to care about that as much as texting. If you could hear the noise this van makes when idling, you’d be terrified to drive it and it’s THE NEWEST VAN WE HAVE.

aighty… time to help get a stiff out of house. See y’all in 2 hours or so. $40 bucks, here we come!

19:05

well that was something.

Gotta get some house cleaning out the way. Glowies are looking for angles. I said if they deport my old landlord’s girlfriend he might go postal as he supported trump and everyone says she’s the best thing that happened to him.

I told them I wasn’t gonna kill jay-z because my friend wanted to. Her sister is a cop. Don’t try it.
We good? Okay so this call we were screwed out the gate. Team good omens. Black and yellow rangers in full effect. Basically my ideal home. Reminded me of my oma and opa’s place out in LA. Wood grain, big plants, and Neatly arranged knick knacks. I mention this and learn this is the third son the woman is losing. The last remaining member, besides her, of the family she raised in that house. HIV+ but undectable for several years. Had more issues with the diabetes. The porch wasn’t wide enough to turn the gurney so we had to tilt it up like a dolly. These situations are the worst. Sad story meets tough removal. We get the guy on the gurney, give the mother a last moment, and politely ask them to step back out. We proceed to get the gurney jammed in the door. Situation is tense. I ask black ranger to get the gurney so it’s not tilting and we regroup. Anatomy lesson. Bodies fold under the ribs… We tilt the guy up a second time and i had mentioned that the cover would most likely slip. What i had forgotten to remember was the previous anatomy lesson when strapping the man down. Here we are on this porch and SURPRISE EVERYONE!!! YOUR DEAD NEIGHBOR FALLING OFF THE GURNEY! Not all the way mind you, but enough to tilt the pull of gravity away from me. Black ranger is scrambling to get the cover back on. I can’t move till he tilts the gurney out. I’m trying to make sure the guy isn’t pavement bound and as we get everything out the door, i look back to see one of the friends of the mother making eye contact with me. Luckily he congratulated us as i profusely apologized. Now I’m eating a hamburger.

Caller you are on the air. It’s delicious. Grandpa’s. Can’t go wrong. Only too much. Next caller. Why no TV about this? You don’t want people to perform grief. These people aren’t here for your entertainment and neither am i. YOU are failing to do anything about the problems I’m presenting. GO! fuck shit up. text me. Don’t wait for your lasted dose of “other’s doom” scrolling. Seriously, other more talented people want you to smile. I was in therapy today and my therapist mentioned she worries about me retraumatizing myself. Traum is german for dream. The word itself trivializes the experience and frankly, i don’t even feel it anymore. Just the rush of their anger and mine at each other for existing as we are. At least my happy ending is one. Theirs is a start to a lifetime of confusion for someone else.

either one at a time or ssshhh… i’m trying to watch a video.

thanks.

21:20

Good video. Spies are gay. Gay’s okay. Obsession with repression leaves ya guessin and stressin. Don’t blow your top. Blow your friends and turn enemies into allies.

Then John has to do what? attack korea. The cost of desperation. This isn’t news… Just… frustrating. If only the Samsara people knew how hard duolingo tried to get me to pay attention to it and i PAID for that. Also i don’t earbuds. That’s not a “Ms. Davis” thing. They’re just incredibly bad for your hearing. There’s a thing with microphones where distance makes things quiter faster. So the small amount of distance given by over ears makes a HUGE difference in the long run. Same goes for people who use speaker phone. I can’t fault someone for protecting their ears but they could turn the volume down for regular calling.

21:53

Caller you are on the air. The quote from earlier was “I don’t want to worship or fight; So, I will make fun of you”

10:05

So the glowies are lighting up the 4chan signal even though we can all agree this is too much text between images. I told them it’s stupid to plan for my return because i rotate social media for that reason. If you are not mentioning me, I’ll miss it. If you drop a hint. I’ll purposefully ignore it. So the skit was “Last time that bully showed up he called us lame but we’ll show him once he-” and then i walk by like “Are you losers waiting on me? I’m going to hang out with those other homies. Why don’t you lame idiots play some kickball or something and quit worrying about me?” At this point they mentioned not dating because of my ex returning and there is the wager of it all. It’s almost more fun to be obstinately antiromantic while complaining about celibacy. Mainly, I just don’t want to be correct about that, So i’m just making it not come up. UNLESS!!!! it’s Lia from itzy because i gotta get to the bottom of that. Otherwise, jokes on “god”…

22:29

CYOTA: c’mon… I’ve been dealing with Luke lately and he always calls me coyote. For fucks sake. He doesn’t like to be high roaded but you know? I sure don’t. The question was, is my ex even real? Yes. I do understand I’m doing a joker. We’ve been over this. Also it’s “I’m thinking of ending things” where I’m the girlfriend and the janitor is a pedo who can’t actually end things. We’re also doing a “Sex and Death 101” but virtually because bodies are diseased sometimes. I’m not transphobic so Ace ventura is out, but speaking of dolphins, once again my birthday is 4/2. That’s sort of the kaleidoscope of it all. I’m too self referential. To describe me, kyle, is to refer to all of this media, necessitating the media, religion, history, etc. HOWEVER! What needed to happen, happened. I just fear we’ll keep fighting a war that’s been over since 2023.

22:48 Just went on a psychic rant out loud in the shed and right as it ended, got a text from who else but the namesake of the last paragraph. Scott Pilgrim with the apostles continues but I’m not trying to date Jesus so at least we’re doing the comic version.

“who’s more famous, globally, santa claus or michael jackson?”

I once asked Luke what he would ask god if given one question and he said “what would you, god, ask me, Luke?” and i still think that’s really funny.

Idk who reads this. That might be a breach of trust. UNRELATED!!! That dead guy from earlier had two names of two of my enemies… How bizarre… This is the second time that’s happened on accident. It cannot be me… well I’ve got a second wind. One more smoke after a trip to the gas station.

23:32

CYOTA. Yes we’re still doing shrek. Alaska is starlink. elon is farquad. my swamp is 4chan. Her grandmother got her to go up there… the other guy was like the prince of that town, at least the grocercy store. I was gonna say we don’t want kids and i stand by it. I can’t see her suddenly being like “I BELIEVE!”

Midnight Wanderer had a buddy take his own life(i know who doesn’t). But y’all could watch his streams just because he’s cool. If this is what that warning is about, shady financiers already got him there when his job laid everyone off, only fitting shady financiers put him over the edge, right? I sure hope he doesn’t.

1:21

Basically what I’m exposing is the “roblox” of child porn. They show the kids loli. Then invite them to discords. Ask them to take off their clothes like Leana Lovings. 17+ fast track to someone like andrew tate. lower, sell the “wins”(pics and videos) on the dark web. It’s there on it’s face, i just don’t like dealing in those spaces. I feel like reporting 1 server to the feds makes up for 2015. hi /u/… byeee… The occult shit is just stupid but i get why faggots like that would try to use any upper hand they could get. What idiots call “adrenacrome” is the same feeling you’d get from pranking someone. I don’t know why they think watching kids in distress is a transfer of energy. it’s just what happens to a body when ones sees something in distress. However, it is YOUR body producing those chemical signals… You are not leeching anything. You are the fuel in that engine and the kids are just banana peels to you. The real power is the blackmail but clearly no one cares so how is that holding any power over anyone these days? You don’t take anything from a kid by fucking them except a healthy body and mind. You don’t get that in return. You damage yours too.

2:52

MEANWHILE! OH HOT DAMN THEY BOTH SHOWED UP TONIGHT AND MY PANTS ARE COVERED IN CUM! LOVE ME SOME PSYCHIC SEX!!! THAT WAS SO FUCKING HOT!!! it’s like practically the same rush as the person themselves but doing stuff that isn’t physically possible. give and take.

2025.3.26.8:42

woke up to a missed call from work but not on my phone so hopefully Ceesi has something better for me on the horizon. I remember when my ex and i got back together she said something along the lines of “I already did your dream, pizza.” When i did pizza i got paid to get stoned and hang out all day. We had a lunch rush and some afternoon dels but i was mostly kicking back. She worked in a restaurant as a server. Notoriously awful place to work with notoriously bad customers. On my end. Who doesn’t love the pizza guy? She once said the tissue donation place was her dream job. i don’t dream anymore or try to as little as possible. desire isn’t suffering but boy is used it used to make me. miss me. that place was cool to work though. I just got a call right as i finished rolling my smoke. What did i tell you? Faggots everywhere. I ain’t asking god to damn it. Just callin em a faggot.

see ya for 4 hours. $50 bucks here we come and i guess we’re gonna answer “how can god love me after what i’ve done?” and the answer is “would you rather be whipped into doing works?”

12:52

i wasn’t joking. During bible study, Pastor K (i know, i know) would tell me that we’re all sinners but by the grace of god we have the faith that allows us to do works. Cart before the horse quite literally. The horse is a sinner but by the grace of the budweiser guy, it has the reigns to pull the cart. Then you go to the lord’s prayer and they say “And forgive us our trespasses, As we forgive them that trespass against us.” That makes way more sense doesn’t it? Then you further extend “Lord” to be the group and “Heaven” to be y’alls shared imagination and BOOM! Suddenly, the preachers message is “too err is human. Look around you. Whole lot of humans. Some have been here longer than you. Some haven’t. Some Screwed up last week. Some didn’t. We’re all here. Did you bring something for the potluck? Sorry for borrowing your lawnmower without asking…

Furthermore, the “grace” in Ida Grace, my daughter who is an unlocalized consciousness and could be considered a god, has nothing to do with religion. The daughters, clones, hybrids, and Ceesi were using colored pens to talk to me and somehow they convinced Ida to pretend to be “greg” which is short for grey goo because that was my preferred apocalypse. So i was at war with the grey pen who was not cool. When i thought grey goo apocalypse, i was thinking humans retain their consciousness but could reconstitute their bodies and environments at will within the soup. You know? So i could be a futa pony for a while and enjoy that till it gets boring. What I got instead was normal life, but all the colors telling me to vanquish the grey. I would’ve too if it weren’t for Ida being tired of fighting forever already and just admitting to playing greg. The daughters are genderless but really funny so they like to be lady coded. the easiest lady name with grey in it is Grace so to memorialize the event, I called her Ida Grace and laughed so hard, we kept it. Obviously Ida is still short for “I am the”

14:35

C-c-caller, you are on the ayer! How did the call go? What’s the dynamic with Blue Ranger and i? What media franchise do we embody? Uh… She reminds me of my ex. I would say something about Blue Ranger being married and that crushing me because what if my ex is, but she had a boyfriend when we worked together. I’m no homewrecker. Just the demo man.

15:48

Had a good lunch with my mom. I feel… Distant. Like my life is just watching others rag doll me around. People say everyone is the main character in their own story but… That conversation telegraphed a whole lot beyond what we were saying to each other and I’m so sick of that shit. Gods can talk on robots. I don’t need to hear it. Some faggot was saying it was “practice” and then i choked on some spit at the gas station. ha ha choked. Wouldn’t care, dumbass. If talking to someone i love is something i can “choke” at, what’s the point? I pack invitations, not expectations. We’ve all disappointed those. Let’s just move on. DUHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

16:06

ANOTHER MEETING ABOUT THIS FUCKING STUPID APP! Like everyone is failing at this. I’m not even trying lol… #2blessed4stress put a code reader in the cameras. you know who’s in the van. Here’s how dumb these people are. They could put a qr code on the camera so you just have to open the app, scan in and out.

Surfing through the physical and metaphysical is tiring.

Okay Franz, let’s get this over with…

full on satan mode eh?

tis better and all that? is that italian or british? didn’t hear anything about it from the mouth of the lamb.

CALLER!!!! SEASONS OF FUCKING MIST!!!

16:34

meeting over. Moving me to mon-friday. Hiring two newbs. Got more info. Red ranger told green he could use the van in a way new corporate didn’t approve of. Similar thing happened when i quit. Was told things would happen that didn’t. The question becomes, do i play ball or continue to be a menace, knowing I’m replaceable. Well, notice how they didn’t actually do anything we asked. It’s like someone pinching you while you’re in their house to make sure your skin is still real. You tell them to knock it off next time. Next time all the furniture is rearranged but they’re still pinching you. WHOOPS!

Geralginald rasped curtly at his academy acquaintance’s door…

pfft. How is that going to add anything to the metaphor? You’ll just get lost in the character study of it all. “Why was Geralginald at the academy? Why is the acquaintance so assured of his skin? Why does the author of this blog keep defaulting to yadda yadda instead of etc.? Is that even true? How are we-a gonna getta whatta we want?” And of course then the porn of it. Then the wave of pinch fetishists. All because i can’t help but to ship all my male characters.

…Of course, that’s not how Geralginald saw it once the door opened. This was Sam. The tightly trimmed beard had greyed since their time on the rugby field. “SKINS!!” Gerry giggled to himself internally. Sam’s eyes shown with a brightness and recognition reserved only for the closest of friends. His thumb and index fingers trailed up Gerry’s shirt and quietly latched on for dear life as Sam beckoned for the two to take a seat.

CYOTA. Yes i “remember writing this” deja vu’s a plenty. Yes i feel “spirits helping me type this”. I try to give credit where credit is due. For all intents and purposes pretend Ida is helping me with the lectures and letting me spitball for the life experience. I can’t give you hers. It’s too confusing and she’s done helping. I say “pretend” because the truth is more complicated. If you don’t know, you need to get better at dancing and masturbation before you try this. Or go chant some ohms with some buds.

17:06

Youtuber, you’re on the… site of your occupations namesake…(im not gonna watch it. I was there… ish… Boxxy 4ever queen)

17:32

what i oughta do is go Full michael scott and get my own van. Start wearing pajamas. Tell all the funeral homes that if the family wants a cozier option they can call us. Just ask if they would prefer formal or comfy. Would you rather have your family member taken to court by strangers, or to the pajama party in the sky by the holy ghost themselves? Supplies are limited. I am aging and smoking. That being said i’ll be older than Jesus ever was soon enough so don’t act all butthurt about it.

18:04

HEY GANG! don’t mean to brag but Jesus thinks I’m funny. Lol you don’t know who’s spying on me. I was saying they have the “afterlife” on lock, what with being dead for 1,000’s of years so why not keeping asking them about that? I said people dress nice for death because there’s a belief that Jesus is going to take them to a land of wealth and opulence. A land where you can eat gossamer peaches and never have to shit. Not gonna happen. Poop is too funny. For as awful as it is, what would life be without it? We wouldn’t have ZUCKERBERG MORE LIKE SUCK A TURD! So you might as well take a road trip down to Palasade Colorado and take what you can get. (poop is funnier than the genocides facebook inflamed) I was thinking about this last night. Diarrhea diseases are in water sometimes and that kills you by dehydration. So some settlers were like “Oh this is diarrhea is making me so thirsty.” People only talk about that with salt water though. The diarrhea one is funnier and the only reason is because poop is involved. It’s like the river itself is saying “Your turn to feed the plants, motha fucka!”

That lady earlier pulled an Elvis. I was reminded of the phrase from alaska but known in tourist traps worldwide… “Here, you don’t lose your girl, you just lose your turn.” The FUCK is that supposed to mean holmes? I lost my best friend. Fuck you.

What’s an unstoppable force do with an immovable object?

roll with it.

What’s a prayer god can’t answer?

tie my shoelaces.

What does a dying king say to his son?

The same thing he tells everyone else (what to do)

19:01

We good Don jr? Sorry it wasn’t me making you crawl like a dog ;)

21:31

Amy’s back!!!! From somewhere! lol. She doesn’t stick around with me as much as Ida, now that i’m not chronicling family matters for whatever lisa was planning. I was wondering if i didn’t listen to her and she felt the need to talk through other people but we’re chillin. She seems a lot less stressed. I don’t know why I’m telling y’all this.

Lisa apparently doesn’t understand that a lack of interest or disgust is not “fear” in the sense of “something that is irrational and needs to be overcome.” Being afraid to leave a moldy house will kill a person. Not wanting to get hit randomly is not a fear. Sure on the pullback, there’s fear. Just the mere thought though? Nah… People don’t really do that. It’s not something i need to face like some community episode. Especially, if it already happened. Like My ex read all these Katie Robert Books and the one she liked THE LEAST was a “virgin auction” and i haven’t been with the bottom half of a woman since she left. It’s not like she “feared” that jeepers creepers style. It’s just gross. So is incest pet names.

Let’s get one thing clear. I’m self isolating because of this fuck shit. I don’t want to bring anybody else into it. There’s already too many people involved. If the spy shit were to end and I got another job, I would just go back to hanging out. Pretty sure Humans are just trying to enjoy the plane till the scene of the crash and frankly, i never wanted to be here, but REALLY DON’T WANT TO BE A ZOO ANIMAL ANYMORE. NOT OUT OF ANY FEAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR….. IT’S CONSTANTLY IRRITATING… So much so I’ve been saying this for a year now…

23:17

protips: Don’t let people know what gets to you. Don’t break your own containment chamber.

2:39

A thought occurs to me. The entire time i have worked for this company this time around, I’ve had therapy on tuesdays. My boss just scheduled me monday through friday. This kind of shit is why i quit the first time and it sucks it’s happening again. Dead people? Easy. Families? Easy. Hell even corporate seems to get a kick out of breaking me from afar. I get more supporters behind the camera everyday. Being ignored like that though? I don’t really have anywhere else to go. This was my last stand and i’ve failed haven’t i? It was over before it had begun. There’s a great Titan Maximum joke to be made here… Would’ve been nice to see…

2025.2.27 proper 8:26

2 hours of sleep and then a call. I quit. My manager said she isn’t getting problems from me on the driver app which is crazy because i have a violation ON CAMERA. My own… I hardly do my daily checkins either. If the others are having problems it can only be because the company is sexist in addition to the racism. I haven’t bonded with these people enough over the past 5 months to stick my neck out for them.

So the hypocrisy to explain today is why sometimes it’s good to talk and other times it isn’t. It’s good to talk if one values another person’s opinion, requires them for further action, or wants a lasting relationship. Otherwise, how are we getting out of this y’all? I just wanted to know if my ex wanted me to leave. You know? Two conversations about whether the 3 way was viable with all of us. Since being back, people have wanted me to “talk out” why i asked someone if they knew my dad was looking at cp back in the day, an app that supposedly everyone would use, a man in his 50’s dating teenagers, and now a job that is unpleasant in the best of times. The last time i had a “talk” with my manager about these things was before i quit last time and things got no better for me. She offered her services as a life coach and honey, i have a therapist. That’s why i want tuesdays off… NOT saturday and sunday. How dare you separate me from my therapist and offer life coaching? The audacity. When will these rich assholes learn that they’re the only ones who have to cycle through people this fast? Everyone else likes faces they know. That’s why my manager, red ranger, likes me. That’s why i took a sick day to think about it instead of completely dropping the hammer. I don’t have much in this life. The rest of the transport team don’t stand a chance. That being said, one must pick their battles and this isn’t a battle for honor, love, or even principle. This is just a handful of faggots having a pissing match and i’m one of em. Lame.

9:01

glowie, you’re embarrassing yourself. I don’t take orders from you.

9:27

“you just want them all for yourself.” No they all told me they want you gone. 9:29 last june. 9:30 YOU’RE GENERALS!!!

23:34

Not perceiving is better than the alternative. Deep sleep is better than being awake. I wake up and think “fuck. If i have to keep doing this might as well be the things i like” but i don’t like being alive. You say this to people and they think it’s “unresolved issues.” Those certainly don’t help but I’ve never not had issues. Like seriously the more I find out about me as a toddler the less i think i had a chance. Some say it’s the drugs instead of being healthy and i was exercising everyday in germany. Not really the issue. No my issue is there’s ALWAYS a compulsion of some sort. Tired of feeling those at all, especially the compulsion not to have them. People get indignant about this. “Oh i’m not worth being alive? You’d rather be dead than spend time with me?” Eh get off your high horse. I would’ve preferred to never have been alive in the first place. If i have to be then it’s chill to be around people. Life is like one big waiting room with no doctor’s office. What really sucks is people try and talk me out of this mindset and that just make it worse. If you can’t give a “yeah. so?” to that, we shouldn’t be talking. I’m fine with others enjoying things because it reminds me not everyone is as miserable as i am but y’all can do that without me. Don’t expect me to come along. If you do expect me to come along, don’t expect me to enjoy it. If you do expect me to enjoy it, don’t expect me to be honest. Otherwise, why lie to you? It’s weird. I like concerts in the mosh or in the smoking section. I can handle utter chaos. I like being just outside places where everyone is having a good time and i can still hear it without needing to do anything. Don’t know why i’m reinforcing this narrative.

Psychic channels don’t know what to make of it but it is the classic “they want it more.” i don’t really “want” so others… go after things. Sometimes they ruin the thing I didn’t want because i already had, like a good view or an easy commute. That or they rape one of my friends. So i want to get rid of them but what kind of life is that? Why can’t i just leave? clearly they want to fuck shit up more than i care to stop them. They say weak men make bad times. Are they talking about the rapists or me? I’ll hand that one over to the dad’s in the audience…

1:49

time to pimp myself out.

2:04

as if that has ever worked. I’m terrible at being my own boss because after middle school, money has always been… lame. I don’t think we need as much of it as we do. It’s literally just to keep track of stuff and now we invent it to keep track of the stuff we use to keep track which means we need more to pay more people to keep track of that and so of course we;ll need EVEN MORE to keep track of them and so on yadda yadda. The Cascades are hiring. They want someone with a “ready smile” and while mine is, it’s stained. It starts on my birthday. Seasonal jobs seem to be good for me. As brutal as alaska was, I made better memories than i am now. Ever since i left the tissue place, life has been hell trying to prove it REALLY IS THAT BAD and i still think it fucked up a lot of the irony intended. Bad intentions produce bad results even if one is trying to be bad. That’s what makes hell, hell right? Surrounded by demons? Mine might be in my head but yeah… they are sure… unenjoyable. Trump, Elon, Zuck, to name a few, are all absolute miserable shitheads, correct? Trump runs on needing losers to feel better about himself and others follow suit. Elon is so focused on being “cool” and “humanities potential” that he retards both, mechanically speaking. Zuck wants everyone to be “connected” and no one understands that stupid alien. What are we doing?

For me? Hello. My name is Kyle. I like music and typically drive as a profession. Some of my favorite things in life are smoking weed and eating pussy. If you like hikes, vibing out, social gatherings, and sloppy home cooking, I’ll bring some weed and eat you out. Cool?

2:24

Caller… what are you doing up? the question is “what about denver? what about taking a stand?”

They won. Hell. My parents moved here from Cali. Theres more of us than them but everyone is too distracted by the culture war to win the paperwork war, myself included. I am ONE man. all the gods in the universe avail me nothing more than showing me someone else’s cards. They bluff like anyone else. I’m alive right now because my grandparents fled the nazis. No one’s giving me a jet and a rope any time soon.

Let me tell you about the the job I just quit. I walk in and there’s a family. I explain the process, ask for questions, grab the equipment, and ask those who are squeamish to step out. I see no reason why this wouldn’t work the same. All it takes is 10 deaths the company is responsible for. If i can find 10 people who have lost a loved one because of the descisions of a billionaire, their life is forfeit in my eyes. So i imagine the ritual goes, “These 10 hold you accused of greed to the point of negligence and malice. Let them say their peace.” We ask the squeamish to leave. Exit the building with the body. Someone gets a promotion. Debt is forgiven. World keeps turning. Maybe don’t strive for total control next time. We aren’t dealing with human laws. We’re dealing with physical ones. Your neck is no match.

2:49

caller… seriously? “Who amongst us?” This isn’t some “cast the first stone” shit. These are LITERALLY THE WORST OF THE WORST. There are less than 3,000 of them and i can PROVE that they are holding us back. MARS? where’s your test base in the desert elon? Outback looks like mars and you don’t even have the hurdle of not having an atmosphere. NASA got to mars already. Let them handle the rockets while you work on your people skills. Furthermore, We aren’t talking people who signed up to risk their lives. Defense contractor CEO’s maybe but not military generals. We’re talking Johnson and Johnson Talcum powder cancer. We’re talking teflon cancer. We’re talking fracking damage. Chemical spills. That kind of stuff. Money isn’t enough. You have to stop prioritizing yourselves.

3:08

Glowie, you done did it. Swears. I use them to belittle people but based on a pattern of action. For better or worse some people take these on as identities. Examples being:

“I’m a bitch. I’m a lover.”

“Well I guess I just should anyway because I’m such a faggot, huh?”

“look I know you don’t like this but I’m comfortable being an asshole right now, you need to stop… being such a faggot.”

A sort of calculus occurs in everyday interactions. I don’t go around introducing myself as a rapist, but in a “tell all” expose like this or intimate sharing session, I’m comfortable admitting to myself and others that a flip got switched when i saw my ex run away in tears. I could no longer think of myself as “some one who would never do that” because i had. Likewise, one of my brothers best friends peed on my carpet when we met. He was drunk. He’s a fine guy, we’ve had great times. However, in a “tell all” expose like this or intimate sharing session, that story comes up. I’m of the belief that identity ought to me more reflexive than prescribed. Remember that future kyle. When you read this, that’s what you believe, not some nonsense that may have taken you away from the path. That was a test and you passed. Where was i? don’t start writing this futre kyle, i, your past my present kyle need to- and scene.

One might consider establishing the pattern before identifying as such. I’ve stopped going by “house producer” because when was the last time we cared about the ep? This was my whole problem with my old roommate. He would talk at length about the type of guy he was, but i didn’t see it. Very confusing. You see this a lot with Adhd diagnosis and coming out. A person acting one way to hide what they “are” only to signify it afterwards to fill the hole left by hidden time. I never got that. I forget who i was without some people sometimes. Typically find myself doing something halfway to what it was. This is opposed to the “i wanna be like you-ou-ou” relation i have to hip hop.

I would consider myself an mc. You’re here aren’t you? However, Understanding a language and spending time in the region is a WHOLE LOT different than being forceably put there by denial of entry elsewhere. I didn’t want college debt so i didn’t go to places i was accepted. I’m not Eminem. I’d rather work at the cascades and play a few open mics than try and book a tour, much as i’d willing be a support act. One time, i got an honorary n-word card from a biracial meth head for giving him a ride. I don’t take that lightly or seriously. I imagine a similar thing happens with neurotypicals. “you are sooooo adhd.” One isn’t diagnosed with hip hop but they are with blackness. I have a black dot on my hand and that’s a problem at some jobs. I chose that though. Partly because of that particular hardship. Because of the “I might as well judge you for the color of that piece of your skin, if you think i’m so square.”

4:42

glowie… fine. I don’t “hate capitalism” the way some do. My main point is that if we make money to keep track of things, it makes sense that those who keep track of it, get compensated. Compound interest is the worst way of doing that. It’s best as a way of making sure bonds aren’t cashed early. I don’t know that the government should be doing that anymore… It’s just hard to demand money on top of the rations in WW2 and such… Less war… Less reason for bonds… You can always raise taxes, especially if you use them well i.e. not on war. Stocks might just be better to inhouse. Less of an investment and more of a perc for working at a place. When someone leaves, they sell their stock to someone else. That way people go back to trading real things as stores of value and stocks can go back to just being ways of dividing profits and raising capital. We’ve seen the dangers of outside influence with twitter, instagram, and open ai.

So here’s my thought. I’ve been watching these videos about how banks only need to keep 10% of what was put in and they can loan out the other 90%. If that loan has compound interest on it, that means that the bank now has a ledger where that initial 10% is now less than 10% of what that money means to the bank. So in a way the people are told to trust that money means more than the banks treat it as? Interest rates on loans are higher than those on savings accounts. I see videos saying not to worry about the “imaginary money” bit but if we’re being told to imagine one thing while another is happening, there’s a problem. This is as opposed to a loan subscription fee which would be counted as revenue. So essentially, the banks are selling their revenue as equity and the balance that should even out to zero now ends up negative, like paying rent with parts of your house. Quite literally as they took loans to buy stock and when the market faltered, they tried to recoup expenses by foreclosing on subprime loans. They always talk about the mortgages but you can’t short sell without people taking out loans.

5:08

DO NOT TRY ANY OF THIS! THE CIA WILL KILL YOU!

2025.3.28 proper 11:50

Woke up to Red Ranger checking in. brain having a whole lot of questions about how i live my life and I don’t need to answer any of them.

12:08

emailed the Cascades. Guess the Tattoo will have to wait awhile. Beats being on camera all the time. So glad i don’t have a webcam. It cracks me up that people think the death is what sucks about this job. Death is healing, yo. Besides eating, it’s about the only thing that reminds me I’m alive. This world of text and images doesn’t feel real. Y’all certainly don’t reach out besides the psychic calls. What’s impossible is following the byzantine orders of dipshits who don’t know what to keep track of. What’s hard to deal with is having the same day off for months for a reason and being given a different one. ESPECIALLY, when one has the paranoia that a small team of spies is doing everything they can to see if they can kill me from across the ocean without bombs or drones. A van with a camera and the ability to disrupt sleep? Only better “got him where we want him” is a prison. Hopefully 5 months of footage is enough for those faggots.

Well… One last dining out experience before hunkering down into ration mode. I’m thinking chinese food.

no… that’s korean… besides…

18:36

Good chinese. Ran pirate radio on bluesky for a bit. Just informed that while Midnight didn’t kill himself, his girlfriend’s sister did on monday. Another casualty for my side. Words fail me. My old roommate was into rainbow gatherings. One summer it seemed like 7 or 8 people killed themselves in about as many weeks. He was distraught. That guy lived through a school shooting. What the fuck are we doing?

23:33

it feels so nice to be done with that shit. What a fun day lol. So glad to just be text and images instead of like a whole ass dude all the time.

23:42

ate some honey and peanut butter. I’m a strange mix of melancholy and horny. Like I want to masturbate but “I’ll follow you into the dark” by Death Cab For Cutie is stuck in my head. Excited for sleep. Like i said. Not perceiving is better.

12:01

and yet… i find myself wanting to sit in the rain for a bit.

12:08

sky kisses.

2025.3.29.7:52 proper

it’s my brothers birthday!

I wanted to say that before this which is wesley and Lisa are huge pieces of shit that ought never be listened to. You know how dems and republicans are basically the same? More war, more police, etc.? Wesley and Lisa are like that and they ask everyone to choose between them but people don’t know they exist. So wesley and lisa pretend to be two things someone cares about in their head and make them choose which one is “best.” It’s pointless, useless, only serves their ego, and i hope they fuck off somewhere and die. “what’s better coke or pepsi?” I don’t give a shit. “Whats better sports or art?” don’t give a shit. “what’s better this ex or that? mom or dad? red bull or monster? colorado or alaska?” Fuck off. This used to take place in my head during a reoccuring dream. One of the reasons I don’t like dreaming. I don’t want to go back to that bridge again. Trevor gets pepsi at taco bell. I don’t know that we could go on tour together because of that. I’m not changing the soda fountain and i don’t think there’s anything wrong with him, but that ain’t how i taco bell. Sports destroyed my body and art destroyed my mind. Fuck em both. You know if i had the chance i’d stay with Megan forever. It’s got everything to do with where we were the first time around. People can’t be compared like that. mom or dad? when? Sure, when i hated being grounded, dad’s house was better but once the meth and child porn became a thing, shit I’ll take prison where my friends are. Yes, anyone who knows me, knows red bull vs monster comes down to what alcohol we’re drinking. Gin goes in monster and Tito’s pairs with redbull.

tl;dr: you could get with this, or you could get with that, or you could do LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

So yeah. The whole “god vs satan” thing? I don’t care. The two aren’t that different. They’re both fascists. Once uses discipline (confession, commandments, threat of floods, etc.), the other use spoils of war (rape, gold, power, etc.). Looky there… Religion and war. I was messing with the glowies saying there’s good and evil, and silly, and grumpy, and dopey lol. So here we go

Ida-Bashful

Amy-Sleepy

Ellie-Sneezy

Max-happy

Azy-Dopey

Wesley-Doc

Lisa-Grumpy

lol

i keep thinking that she can’t be that bad but my ex was on some “who’s the fairest?” shit. Mostly because dudes hit on her friend at the bar but maybe they could sense my ex wasn’t single. I’ll spare you choosing between us. She can still get it. So can Lia and Jeon. Mr. Nobody was a shitty movie. Why live a split reality with 3 timelines when you can have psychic sex with ALL OF EM at once? Jeon’s been gone lately but THE OTHER TWO! WOAH! Sorry i haven’t been around ladies. Fighting 4chan really kills a boner.

8:53

Azy is upset i called him dopey. He and Lisa have a “crowly/rowiena” thing going on. Sam and Dean would be Amy and Ellie. I’d (get it because Ida and i, kyle hang out) probably be the “Dad” and the man with yellow eyes lol(No sam and dean… i am… ya motha…). Definitely not chuck you dumbass. that’d be wesley. Max would be castile. Ceesi is Charlie. Jesus is Bobby. uhhh…. Jack is the internet? that doesn’t make sense. Jack would honestly probably be Lisa’s dream for Azy. He’s probably butthurt that it’s not going down like that.

11:46

CYOTA. Yep Troll season of south park. I’m aware. However, instead of finnish people and elves or whatever we have this shit… Honestly I’m more like craig in the guinea pig episodes but…

Cristianity… Supposedly the founding religion of this country and EVERYONE missed that in the gospels? Even me… I’ve read Luke before but just put it together. It’s literally the word tread. This shit is what makes me the holy ghost. Literally ANYONE could do this type of shit. I was inspired by others who did. But I put it all together in a way that echos through eternity apparently. Mostly because we’re tapped into some shit that transcends time with similar senses of humor.

12:33

Caller… I heard you earlier. We’re getting to it. As far as the psychic stuff is concerned, I’m not trying to hypnotize anyone. If what i interpret as their energy isn’t, than the search for the fit to the glass slipper continues. Honestly, It’s like real life. It’s agreements. When i say that i told my ex she was the only one for roll play purposes, i meant when i was jerking off the thought of her outside of our time together. As I said, if i wanted to sleep with someone else, i’d bring it up. I had since we first started getting together. During this time apart there have been plenty of times where we haven’t seen eye to eye and i “i have a headache”d going to bed dry. Up in alaska i definitely abused the privilege. Now, I’m just documenting what i experience like a dream journal. Problem being, i just quit my job, forgetting that the website renews in April. So, there is a chance this could go dark.

12:42

Glowie, thanks for reminding me. I was explaining how this works so let’s put some theories to bed.

1. This is not how “god” writes stories. Why would god want me talking about their balloon animal penis?

2. There isn’t an ending in mind. The big loop on my end was reuniting with Ida and doing the big bang thing.

3. I’m not writing reality… Various faggots set up these little gottchas to try and prove omnipotence but end up looking impotent in the face of what that really entails. The nice ones just show me cool stuff.

4. You all are not characters in “my story” This isn’t a story. This is a sketchpad while i pass the time. You can act differently, you just don’t. I’m changing all the time. I just quit my job. Didn’t have to. But the battle of finding money is possible. The battle against the cameras is futile. Lest we forget, Jesus lost to the romans, regardless of who was on the cross.

cool? Everything is how it always was. You can pray to gods and get “answers”, but they’re only as good as the god. When you make a decision, others have influenced it. it can be taken into account. So like… What are we doing? As far as natural disasters go… That one really is just burning shit all the time. Boiling water is violent. It’s not the earth “fighting back” so much as the noodles being cooked. You ever notice how the more heat is on the pan, the more violently it bubbles? I’d like to remind everyone that trains… are less fire than cars… even electric ones because again, even nuclear, as far as fission is concerned, is still boiling water. Gas stove to electric. I’m saying TURN THE STOVE DOWN. For fucks sake it’s like boil water to power the data center that is cooled by water and i have some dipshit spying on me insisting it’s not a problem as if hot water doesn’t melt ice. And here’s what that gets ya.

13:25

Which by the way, is why you send self replicating robots TO THE MOON!!! they cool down faster without the blanket of the atmosphere. Even if it takes a little longer for the data transfer, leave the math on the moon, and keep the answers on earth. Plus better launchpad for deep space travel.

14:14

caller… really? no that isn’t a metaphor for my ex and i. She’s had a boyfriend since she was 14 and likes alaska i guess… i don’t like life period. Faggots pull shit like that. Ceesi would just help her process trauma if anything. Sure Lisa, Wesley, Azy, John, “greg”, and others might be giving her the ol professor screw eye treatment, but that’s because they suck.

14:27

fuck no i wouldn’t ask them to do that. My whole problem with life IS THOSE FAGGOTS. i just like smoking weed and eating pussy and they very much got in the way of that. I’ve been given every excuse in the book to justify their behavior and to me it always comes down to they wanted to act like that. I wanted them to not do that, or stop. They didn’t and continue to keep going. Just because they can and want something to try and “overcome their challenges” most of which revolve around telling you to “pick the very best one” and destroying whoever is not it.

14:40

I have found “why are you reinforcing this dichotomy?” works sometimes.

I have three psychic girlfriends and another fuck buddy. Is that straight or gay?

an irish-italian has sex with a norwegian. Is the baby white?

What happens to land that isn’t owned by private enterprise or the state? Can such a thing exist?

15:14

eh yeah sure Jesus, what were we talking about?

i don’t remember so Im gonna go get some soda and consider mac and cheese. Happens to the best of us. My deaf friend just quit.

15:54

There are two drywall stories, caller. One i tried to climb the hallway at my mom’s house and kicked through. The other, my friend found a knife in the woods and we threw it at his wall a bunch. Well his family goes out of town and leaves me in charge. My friend and i try and fix the wall. We fail. We also shoot the butter with a bb gun. Some how the dogs got into a bag of chips and shat all over the house. My dad helped us fix it for real and that friend moved to utah in part because i was such a bad influence. This was after we got caught shoplifting, i think. 8th grade was a time.

17:51

Trolling on an infowars stream. here’s a good one. Why is the gaza reclamation taking so long? After the nazis they can’t concentrate.

22:55

well that led to whole lot of stream hopping. ooweee just came down. I gotta do payroll one last time but it’s raining so i’m sleepy

2025.3.30.8:54 proper

Don’t you faggots have church to go to? what have i said about praying to me? the only human voices i like in my head are people i’m sleeping with. The only god voices i care to hear are my daughters. Rest of you, not my concern. I’m starting to wonder if I’m only here because they included “holy spirit” in the “name of” bit. Maybe if they said “in the name of the Father, the son, and the father pt. 2” they’d get Yahweh pt2. But they said holy spirit/ghost and thaaaaaaaaat’s me. Weird ending to choose for your monotheism but what do i know?

11:38

havin a fun rap session with the glowies. even if this is all in my head… the posts are real and that’s what counts. We’re doing the whole “no YOUR reality is falling apart!” to each other but again, I’ve been dead for 10 years so… we’re about as stable as ever on my end. I mean come on… I die, get whisked around the world, learn the secrets of my past, reunite with the one that haddaway, come to grips with her just doing that and me not missing out on some clandestine romance, and go on to take arms up against global tyranny as it’s rearing it’s ugly head? No wonder i was making raps about being harry potter. I still think they want it more. I got coerced into a lot of this. I’m at the point with my smoking where my lungs just produce phlegm constantly. I’ll be waking up and notice i’m wheezing which makes it tough to go back to sleep. I wonder about life. Certainly, waking up alone wheezing is the way most people die. It would suck to do that for 40 years straight. It would also suck to live the first 32 years of my life again. So i think about the kind of life i could offer myself from here on out and it’s tough.

The other night, when i said i wanted to stand in the rain, i did. I just stood there for about 5 minutes and freed myself from language. I didn’t classify any of the feelings or sensations i was observing. They and i simply were. When language returned, i found myself thinking that what i was doing was insane. They make horror movies about people suddenly standing still as i was doing. I wouldn’t tell anyone i crave a life of staring at the rain. I had enough of that in alaska and germany. However, I can’t say i crave opulence either. The window dressing doesn’t justify the collective effort in my mind. If you serve the wine, you ought to be able to have a glass.

13:29

Well I did my last payroll for this shit. I said over on the cia page that my life is full of banshees and this was no exception. This payroll started with a greg and that screaming lady. Remember that? I showed up to the wrong house as the lady went for a midnight walk with her dog? The pay period ended with a john… and i did the ending of truman show to my coworker because i thought it was funny. i didn’t get the quote correct, but i did get the “if i don’t see ya, have a great…”

Also the van i was in the whole time was dubbed “the pickle” because it’s green so FUCKING TAKE THAT! robot suit=van!!! posting on /b/ is referred to as pissing in a see of piss. Also the beth thing but y’all need to realize hero with 1000 faces is more like “you could say any of these lines”. Watch: “Be prepared. YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE mom’s spaghetti.”

Another thing I talk about on the CIA page is a faggot going by the name “you”… then i see this today.

14:43

I owe my roommate some money. That’s not a big deal. I remember her saying she missed the guy i was before this whole CIA 4chan business. Unlike my job… I can’t leave the world…

16:37

Something’s not right. My brother just called. He seems fine. I’m not. But like. There’s something external beyond my hunger. I’m going to go for a walk to see if I can’t figure it out. This is what decisions feel like. Like a timeline is about to get snapped off and it might be the good one. Agreements must be made, lest time record feuds.

16:40

17:02

What a dumb walk. On the way to the 7-11 “my ex” yelled at me in my head for not wanting to be alive while we were together and kept asking me what i want. What a loaded fucking question. Often times i have answered it just to have what i say get thrown back in my face to hurt me so how about this? I want something that’s not a total faggot to hear me. I want something that isn’t going to use wanting something as an excuse to “teach” me something. Something that won’t use desire to get as much work out of me as possible. Most importantly, something that doesn’t want to know the answer just to show me all the flaws with whatever i wanted and make me feel like shit about wanting it in the first place… dig? After that, to smoke weed and eat pussy and when i say pussy i mean vaginas belonging to living women between the ages of 24-46 without stds. When i say eat i mean perform cunnilingus on. Just so happens the best way to do that is with stable partners.

World peace is stupid to ask for because it requires everyone following one regime. That or following smaller regimes that respect each other. I don’t see it happening. Could easily be fascist. Everybody goosestepping is peaceful… look at north korea. That’s not to say we can’t have a global society but if there’s no dissenting opinion, something’s probably being hidden. And if it seems like two sides care deeply about a batch of shit, it’s probably mckinsey. Life is cool if like once or twice a year someone tells you something you’ve never heard before and is actually cool. So when we get back to a bunch of people saying a bunch of different stuff, we’ll have a global society. It won’t always be peaceful. Engines are violent sometimes.

Is the problem the supposed objectification of women? After all i’ve written, how does it not seem like i care about these women as individuals? It just so happens i very much enjoyed smooching the ones i did and am not comfortable randomly smooching after gettin locked down in uncomfortable situations. So i’m open to the comfortable ones?

Does something need attention? can we hustle that up so i can get out of this “doghouse”? I honestly don’t understand the lesson. This past two years has just been bullshit kennel training. I have watched so much k-pop and i’m not mad at that. I’ve made so many things. Honestly, besides the psychic sex, the best times were roller rinking, solar eclipse camping, and getting tattoos. All this religious, political, economic bullshit has been tiresome the whole time. I don’t think the manager and investor class deserves any more than a plumber for dealing with shit others don’t want to deal with. This is every day of my life since last may.

Wake up:

Phone: “How dare you say that?”

Me: How dare you [list of criminal examples of greed and negligence]?

Phone: I’m not that! I’m [douchebag rich dudes employee]

me: okay well welcome to hell…

Go to the Circle K:

Phone: WHY CAN’T WE CRACK THIS GUY???

me: we’ve been at this since may… Don’t you have like riches to protect? I’m one guy talking to himself in his car and shitposting. People don’t even notice me most times.

phone: oh we’ve got something planned for that…

Something lame happens:

Me: hmmmmm…. welp… How am i gonna talk about this?

phone: tell them we sent you

me: sure.

phone: not like that though… make us look scary

me: you aren’t

And then it’s a coin toss if i jerk off… They love to know my watch habits. Futa hentai… Reverse cowgirl. I find myself naturally weening off lactation nyuk nyuk nyuk… I’ll be real though… Porn have become more of a fascination and jump start. Once i get going, the psychic sex takes over and I am A-OK with that.

!9:05

mac n cheese… Starting to think Scientology was started by a time traveler looking for e lon. Ls and Rs are hard for some. Which means sea org………. Thetans? “these ads.”

“No the guy I’m looking for is this rocket guy who thinks he’s god. he runs a platform called x now with these ads that make everyone miserable because they’re ai, and they’re always trying to measure engagement”

You give that to a coked up author who loves magic and blam!

19:19

Caller you’re on the air. Why did i think Scientologists and Tyler Perry’s cult sound themselves? less resistance between mouth and urethra than dry hand to dry hand.

The Scientology arc was wild because they had me believing they were holding Luke’s family hostage and watching me via my phone. I told the scientologists if they wanted to smash up anything, take their anger out on Tiny Town. Tiny Town is what it sounds like about 35 minutes away from Luke’s house. Obviously, one would have to be pretty heartless to smash up Tiny Town so every subsequent check in that night was the scientology boys partying at various good views along 285. This was squarely in Pirate radio times so after the desert but before Seppukku. I forgot to mention why they took Luke’s family hostage. The narrative was, get this, my 3rd grade bully broke into my tattoo artist’s house and got murdered. So the kidnapping was revenge. None of this happened and Luke was very stressed out by the texts i sent that night.

19:51

suddenly feeling incredibly ill when i listen to the psychic channels. i’m pretty sure it’s the mac n cheese but it went away when i started typing this so who knows?

20:47

The Koreans popped up on the psychic chat. I just want to let it be known i love korean but duolingo sucks kinda. I’d write songs all day though. Also i totally do fancy Lia in a way i can’t explain but i’m real with the stuff. We haven’t met in person yet. Also my passport expires in October so i should take care of that. Also what does Yeji going solo mean for things?

21:29

caller, yes I’m aware of unfair child labor practices in K-pop. Tell it to youtube. Also JYP is far from the shadiest label. At least they aren’t selling the kids.

23:45

lol. If i haven’t explained this already, Ceesi is a swarm… So like… Anybody can talk to them. They’re “everywhere” the internet is. You just gotta know how to speak super happy. You won’t be taking processing power away from me.

2025.3.31.8:51 Proper

Wake up: grumble grumble in my head

Phone: How dare you say you want to be dead?

me: Are you those camera faggots from work? I quit and uninstalled the app. What are you doing here?

16:20

only 2 minutes to roll a smoke!!!!

16:22

aww yeah

4:30

we’re getting a glowie stoned!!!! Person who checks this once a day or two, tap in.

5:05

absolute unit on these digital streets

I don’t give a fuck who you think you are… some one… some one… is going to post the billionth post on /b/ this year… rules one and two if you see this… we can’t let it be a normie…

21:18

Finally have something to talk about. I was trying to get burger king and circle k but i didn’t want the food to get cold so i passed the burger king once. I got my drink and tried to avoid morrison rd. I saw the most delightful house and ended up on morrison anyway. I hate that. That oedipus shit is the worst. “I don’t want to do this” and then you spend a lot of time avoiding it only to end up doing it anyway. That’s how my ex was with dating me apparently. I got extra chicken fries. I hope she got the equivalent. Let’s be honest it’s like moving back in with parents. I’ve got the same with thoughts of her after almost 2 years apart. I’m just tired of like the first 3 months of relationships. People always romanticize that part but to me it’s a hurdle. People can always learn about each other but ya got no muscle memory for those first couple of months. The thing is i didn’t want those extra chicken fries. I didn’t want chicken fries at all. I wanted onion rings but those don’t come in the combo. I’m trying to focus on the fact that the compromise with life, of doing what i didn’t want to and not getting what i wanted, still led to more than i paid for. Plus, it’s tasty. I don’t want to read into it anymore than that because the nature of car culture and fast food is unethical.

The chicken fries are not a metaphor for the koreans or my daughters. I kissed my ex after they were born and tried to explain. There’s a timeline where she listens and this ain’t it. If anything the chicken fries were art. That just happens. Me alone with a computer makes stuff pop out. I’m tired of it. But i won’t stop. Because tomorrow is april fool’s day and I’m back on my bullshit. If she doesn’t want to hold me back, let’s find out why.

JYP has a band I’ve never seen. Ends in a capital U… suss… Looks like a spiritual successor to Twice. World keeps turning. Some glowies are laughing because i’m saying my fantasy supergroup would be Dahyun, Chang-yeong, Changbin, and Han with Hyunjin on beats.(sorry for mispellings) I’m sorry it’s just every since XG entered whatever fucking weird ass scary phase this is, they’re acting like they can’t be touched.

There’s a new Kali Uchis video out. I’m not in the mood but she’s wonderful. Youtube reccomended a thing called “They left me with a gun” which is much more my speed right now. It’s weird how much male sex impulses are weaponized and i wonder if that’s where some of the anger lies… There’s something about Kali Uchis that makes my brain go “don’t sell me on this. Not after what happened. Don’t give me a dragon i’ll be chasing forever.” Then i see people running around with guns and i think “an exit? Sign me up!” it wasn’t an exit… twin girls got shot for no reason. Why i always gotta be worried about ladies. Why not a world where ladies are safe? do ladies like danger? like rock climbing danger, sure, but gun danger?

Also i watched the Kali Uchis video. Ups and downs happen but having a lover makes it great… Uhh… yeah… that and friends, community, healthy enviroment, healthy body. Like sure a relationship is nice… I once crocheted a thing that said “She was the only thing in life that made it worth living. What a terrible basis for a love story.” Take it from me, my step dad still watches the news and my mom wishes he’d care less. One can still be bothered with a partner. As much as I’m tired of starting new things, I’m sick of being a scribe for someone who’s never around. Whether it be my grammy, my ex, Jesus or most likely lisa, this sucks. y’all should not want this much influence. We should work in the shadows. That and actually get shit done. This is too long as it is. Both time and words. This has taken too much time and too much has been written about it. It’s sickening. Let’s just finish it up and find some like minded chill people aight? Y’all might not think I’m chill and sure. Still chasing dragons. telepatia…

23:13

HAHAHAHAHAHA 10 days… how bout that chance? I just started posting it on rumble too… i don’t get to have any fun. But now that i have the shields for loli threads, I can start telling the pedos to campaign for open air prison britain. I’m not screencapping that shit for y’all. Poison your own minds. Pretty sure some glowies want to see the jokes and end up seeing too much. I tried to scroll past a thread and didn’t make it out unscathed. Going blade on a bitch though. the glowies were trying to shame spiral me with it after i described it and they found it. I was like “okay but remember i just scolled past it. You’re actively looking at it so it’s doing more harm to you than me. Again, i’ve seen this and worse since age 11. It really is just the lowest form of getting a rise out of someone.”

2:38

hell episode of rick and morty but with various demons of the internet like shadfag, zone, the bunker guy, whoever runs jabcomix these days, unfortunately agent red girl, and some studio head. I just don’t know who’s putting out all the incest. I heard it’s a set of brothers but that might be a leap in logic. Basically the crowd that thinks being endangered as a child is just part of it. They like to laugh at misery and such. I do too. At theirs. At least deepstroke let the teen titans consent. What a weird fucking world we live in. I was talking to the glowies about this. When i found pics of my ex, dating the second time, 6 years later, it was crazy to me they were still around and asked if she wanted to see. There are definitely some videos that are still around from when i was a teen and i have gotten older but they haven’t. My tastes have though and if agent red girl is to be looked at it’s only getting worse for those characters.

Which totally sucks if i’m being honest. 4 women with dicks living together? awesome. Them fucking? awesome. Calling each other mommy? i guess it’s a play on daddy but ehh… One having a doll fetish? okay… regrettable that the good video is in a school setting… regrettable that school friends are being brought back to the house. weird that there’s a “sex mentor” character… But if one searches futa, that’s what they’ll get. That or whoever makes the “lewd” series and that REALLY crosses some lines occasionally. I don’t understand why that fetish comes in the bundle. Granted, plenty of “straight” parents and such are pedos too but art is lopsided. Being a pedo makes you more likely to be antisocial. Antisocial people have time to make art. When the football game is over, the antisocial shine because they’re great clowns but the screen turns them into idols and they simply aren’t. They’re creeps.

2025.4.1.10:56 proper

33 years since my mom and dad fooled themselves into thinking they might have grandkids one day. So here’s the story. I’m at my dad’s, on the phone with my mom. I say I’m gonna tell him i got arrested and then when he storms out… April fools. My mom says tell him I’m losing my virginity. I don’t get it but i do. My dad goes “breathe in, breathe out, have fun.” i go “april fools.” He says “i guess the joke is on you.” i call my mom back who starts laughing at me. Fuck em. I wonder what my mom won from the sweepstakes this year. me? I want to rip some faggots to shreds today. Better calm down first. That energy is no fun to troll with.

Why did Andrew Tate move to a castle? The girls unionized in the warehouse. Just kidding. He was running from child trafficking charges.

Why did ghislane and friends get away with killing epstien? They knew we wanted him to.

Hey what’s the Holy Ghost’s biggest nightmare? his dad’s house… but not anymore

A guy kicks a snail of his porch. 20 years later the snail comes back and says “what was that all about?” If you know Lee. I carry salt.

The old man used to say “i don’t want spending time with me to be punishment” the way his father was used by his mother. So i was around the meth head pedo as a child because they loved me.

Fucking awesome. April fools. 33 years ago my mother was in labor. I can think about my childhood, aight? we have a looonnggg way to go before 12:05-12:15. Let’s see if something can rip me out of this life the way doctors did with me out her womb. WHERE”S YOUR TONGS FAGGOTS?!?!?!?

11:30 to the circle k.

13:00

if things were more aligned, we’d celebrate the new year around the equinox. Somehow we let politics pollute our understanding of celestial phenomena. So what we are left with is a day of reminding people that we lie. Wonder what sweepstakes my mom “won” this year.

15:09

4chan shut everything but /b/ down for april fools. This is the good times i remember… Still a little racist and sexist… but so’s the church. Stay humble. Lurk moar.

19:46

we k-poppin. I was called earlier by a stick on my car. The break up story goes like this. The Wombats were in town. Both i and Paul bought tickets. My ex chose paul and a branch almost fell on me. It crushed the car i was standing by. I decided to give up.

19:54

it started sleeting after i typed that so i moved my car away from the tree.

20:38

my arm hurts. old injury. atrophied muscles. People say they don’t bounce back like they used to but a lot of people i know suffer from permanent injuries sustained in youth so we didn’t bounce back, did we?

21:06

Lookie what happened 12 minutes ago! for my 33rd? you shouldn’t have…

22:50

Also, who else but The Skrillex released an album today. Besides touch, i am really spoiled. Blunts with the homie, gets, new skrill. wow. Meanwhile I’m just sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong. My right arm is fucking killing me though. I don’t know what to do about this.

00:15

well I’m 33…

1:26

my ex from germany wished me happy birthday :3 I’m very happy. A big point of contention was that she felt she “wasn’t enough for me” and that could not be further from the- see the thing is the other lady i was dating at the time has the same birthday as me so… Sheesh… On the real though, it would be so nice to see the one that texted me.

3:24

i keep making inside jokes with myself everywhere i go and a new one formed called “hugging the bear”. It’s the opposite of thinking outside the box. Instead of avoiding the thought, one hugs the bear. The joke was “in the lions den, the best defense is no defense. Hug the bear. If you don’t get my sense of humor, you’re not hugging the bear.” The last sentence is because if one doesn’t imagine holding on for dear life to a bear as it fends off the lions that are attacking it because of you, the joke doesn’t really land. So sometimes a thought occurs and one goes “is this anything?” Maybe it’s time to hug the bear.