The Closest I’ve Come to Wanting to Live

1)In March 2020 I was at an Excision show with my brother and a lot of his friends were there and i thought “maybe it’s going to be okay”

Otherwise. My grammy wanted me to be an entertainer/ poet. I couldn’t sing so rap made sense. She was also the one that taught me to crochet. when i wasn’t playing freecell at my dad’s, i was burning cd’s of mixes i would make from limewire downloads. he smoked and I remember watching it and thinking “i better not do that because i won’t quit.” yeah…

My Mom and Grammy always seemed way more put together than my dad. They had to be. My Grammy was a single mom in the 70’s and struggled to get a credit card because of sexism. My mom was a school teacher and worked long into the night grading papers but was up super early every morning (i didn’t help with that as I was an insomniac who would sneak downstairs to watch TV all night). My dad basically got a trust fund when his dad died of mesothelioma. He used the money to buy a small sprinkler company off an old man and has been doing that ever since. just kind of watching the money drain. there’s more to tell but the sad fact is his mom was abusive and i don’t think her moving out to take care of me did him any favors. Like I’ve said elsewhere, I don’t believe in retributive justice (good way to turn your hurt feelings into a war). I am just glad not to deal with him and hope the women in his life are keeping him within bounds and appreciate him more than his mom did.

so when i say i hate life and just do what the ladies ask, within reason and temperament, it’s because they seem like they know what they want out of life a sure hell of a lot more than i do. I’ve tried pretty much everything and been non-plussed or come away thinking it wasn’t worth the effort. We’re talking what some would consider peak experiences. Almost every type of extreme sport! Dirt bikes, skateboarding, wakeboarding, snowboarding, skiing, cliff diving, sky diving, mechanical bull riding, trampolines, zip lines, the list goes on. Some are fun. Most are loud or uncomfortable given the safety equipment. Not to mention, watching porn, I tried to replicate everything I saw on myself. Hell, the only reason i don’t have something akin to a horse dildo is I don’t want to fuck up the placement of my large intestine. What are those people doing to themselves? You know what? What’s felt the best is a calm steady rhythm in a position where the two people can lock eyes and giggle about how silly it is that they’re inside each other and how good it feels. So i don’t really get the bells and whistles. As far as why that doesn’t make me want to live. I always get the “OKAY DIE NOW” when I’m cuddling after. Like “we finally made it! no more please.” Obviously, people don’t like that so once again, I just try and invest in the other side of things. C’mon though… making it through school alone was such a chore and now I gotta go back?

I remember being 12 and hanging out with some friends on the back porch. I don’t know if it was the day we were hitting lysol cans with a flaming axe, but the same back yard. The sun was going down and we were talking as middle schoolers do about what life was and would be like. I said “you know dudes. We do a lot of stuff and that’s all cool but i think these are the moments I’m gonna look back on and smile.” About 20 seconds of silence passed and one of them turns to me and simply remarked “faggot.” I still talk to both of them.

As it applies to my ex… given how young we were i didn’t think that would work out. By that point I had good reason to suspect people were better off without me. oddly enough it just kept working out. till it didn’t. That being said, at that time in my life i still wanted to be famous. I grew up thinking there could be nothing better than, sex, drugs, and loud music… you can do all that without an audience… in fact it’s better that way… she kinda became the goal after that and the harder i tried the worse things got…

Here’s a thing. Massages exist. Acupuncture exists. Sometimes people do that thing where they have reeds smack their back. I just kinda realized while filling up my soda the other day that when i was a kid, a big point of contention in my family was my grammy hearing about a punishment where the kids would beat their elders to show the… pain.. they caused or something? My mom was not having that and i don’t think anything ever came of it. My ex was very much into bdsm. I like mosh pits. I understand there is a level to which being pushed, hit, or otherwise impacted/stretched feels good. WHY IS IT LABELLED PUNISHMENT THEN??? JUST DO IT THE WAY IT FEELS GOOD! NOT AS A REWARD BUT JUST BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE LIKE TO DO. MAKE EACH OTHER FEEL GOOD. WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE THINKING “PUNISHMENT” WILL ABSOLVE THEM OF? AND FOR FUCKS SAKE KEEP IT TO PEOPLE YOUR OWN AGE. I HAVE ENOUGH TO PROCESS AND THAT SHIT COMES FLOODING BACK LIKE WHAT THE FUCK???

I’m gonna say this. There are two types of achievers out there for the purposes of this paragraph. Those who do what’s never been done, i.e. run a mile faster than anyone ever before. Then, those who do something INCREDIBLY EASY and demand others stop them. It is so fucking easy to kick a soccer ball into a soccer goal. So you get a team of dudes to line up and try and stop you BUT THE BEST IN THE WORLD CANNOT!!!! sometimes… I’ve played sports. So when my ex was like “let’s have sex but I’m gonna play defense” that’s A LOT OF FUN!!! SUPER FUN IN FACT!!! oh we had a blast! Especially when ropes get involved because i’d tie one hand up and she’d kick me off and untie it and i’d have to start alllllll over again… like i said, i’m not going at it with the end in mind so we could have fun for hours like this. My brother was so mad sometimes… plus, once it started it became very loving, very quickly… and now… well… i would be fine doing all those things again but in no way shape or form will i reward hurting me emotionally and spiritually with sex… much less whatever the “desire” is… and label it punishment… you gotta earn that shit… shit meaning trust… no credit, no problem… bad credit… work on that… and for fucks sake… a man playing defense for her is not fun for me… then i gotta be all clever and i just want to kick their ass till they can’t get up… fucking 5 years is the record so far… but i’m not playing that game anymore…

with that being said. Every old person says they went through something similar and they’re glad they “made it through.” So maybe that’ll happen… lotta people don’t want to go to work, but they do…