Love

this is in the fucking videos and my love is gonna get you no where unless a bunch of people start following me or you want part in these hijinks…

Since humans first walked the earth they’ve thought “i want more of this and less of that”… sometimes “this” is a person… One or more just wants them to succeed because they enjoy the person’s ideas or way about themselves… One share the person’s music or performances… One tells their friends who would be so good together… one might be in a relationship and find themselves and their partner doing this to each other… suddenly one wants to see more of certain qualities in the person and this is confusing to that person because support has turned to demands… they’re thinking “i thought you wanted more of me but it turns out you just want more THAT and THAT isn’t me, it’s just a thing i do… plenty others do it”… This is fine if both people want relatively the same thing… If two people or a group of people “love” exercise… no shame is gathering a bunch of equipment together and showing people how to use it… If one person “loves” another and thinks the world would get more out of them with a college degree, then they support that person through college… the key here is affinity and effort… and then it just gets more complicated…

For instance… wanting to self sacrifice for the sake of seeming romantic… is selfish… Furthermore… what one wants out of a person is mostly likely different based on how long one assumes they’ll be dealing with the person… When i met my ex and found out her age… i figured clock was ticking… this modern life has so much to offer and few stick with what they picked up in highschool… I got two and a half years… my brother got 12… both ended in pretty much the same way… only difference is I saw it coming… Depending on how you look at it, we both got luckier than a buddy’s brother who has a kid in the mix… i did not expect to ever see my ex again… maybe catch up years down the line… She was and remains the only one who has ever got me to think i could spend a life with someone… no disrespect to my other exes but you probably heard about her so this isn’t anything new… Plus, that could be the baggage talking… You’re all wonderful… I miss you all dearly… Anyway… when we got back together… same thing but i was hoping for more time… So what i have to reconcile is that i do want more of her in the world… i do want more of her sense of humor… more of the way she wasn’t afraid to make a scene in public… more of her laugh… more of her dedication to those around her… just… more… what’s funny is she gained some weight while we were apart and… i was happy with more let me tell ya ;)

what i DON’T WANT… useless… now it is gonna happen… is more years of telling this story… Going on adventures based on things she’s said… meeting women and explaining what got me here… feeling like the best thing i can do to make someone happy is paradoxically “love” some one else just in the hopes that they might have a person like me they just haven’t met yet… but it’s too late for me… She got to me first… and that’s in the package… that’s part of the deal… already happened enough to be sure it’ll happen again…

Whether i like it or not, this will come up for the rest of my life… As I’ve stated… i want more of the woman i loved out there… I do not love discourse on why pain is as painful as it is… i also don’t love the way that went down but once again… she is not the only one by a looooooonnnnnnnnnggggggg shot… the only reason i saw the shit coming down the pipeline back in 2015 is I DID THE SAME THING… had a friend i didn’t know dug me in that way and we hooked up after the breakup… I swear this woman is like trash karma incarnate… everytime i’m around her or apart there’s something going “HOW DO YOU LIKE IT???” and i’m over here like “i like her… these situations are dogshit…” and the only reason for any of those is to “spread the word” WORD ABOUT FUCKING WHAT????????????????????????????????????? I HAVE NOT LEARNED A FUCKING THING!!!! IF ANY OF THIS HELPS ANYONE GOOOD BUT AS FAR AS I”M CONCERNED I AM HORNY DIRT WATER AND CANNOT GIVE A FUCK BECAUSE I LACK THE MEANS… honestly the only thing preventing me from wanting things to go back how they were is a head full of how it turns out…

So here’s what it is… when i was spun out after the arrest… even though she had a boyfriend… even though she knew i would press her boundaries… she gave me free food for almost the whole time i was on probation… i came into that restaurant almost every week, sometimes twice… Her coworkers would ask if she needed me out of there but she stuck up for me… and she stood by “her man”, much to my dismay. For whatever reason she preboards her life rafts and i was lucky enough to be that again… i don’t feel like i owe her anything, but i love that kind of forgiveness being out there in the world… luckily she set the bar apart from “open celibate arms” sooooooooooooooo…… what you think I’m gonna end this romantically? COLD OPEN 0: second paragraph suckaaaaaaaaaaa.

refraining from that kind of behavior costs extra… She gave me neon gods… i gotta start like a whole sex club or something? I never really understood that… very much her thing… I just think the world needs more ways off… for the record that was my plan before the book… i wanted to start a death garden because my roomate was a gardener and bone collector from roadkill… hell… “the bone zone” got started when Saturn’s avatar was still working at cosmo’s with me… that was like… 2019 or earlier… just really getting sick of this… what’s the point of knowing if you’re just gonna do it anyway? but suprises… not fond of those either… there was this one time i was kicking after work only to come home to my ex in my bed… super sweet, but if i had known i would’ve come home sooner… things being what they are… now that’s pretty sweet…