more complications

So my ex was asking when i was going to come up to alaska and i was short on funds because i lost the deathcare job due to pto troubles during skin cancer. I was back delivering pizzas. i had applied where she worked and one other place but they weren’t getting back to me. I was poking my head back into 4chan because of ai. I knew those people would be making crazy shit. you saw the links. There was a fairy thread. I tried to see if there were fairy sized sex dolls (torso roughly the size of an average penis) and it turns out there’s only disembodied torsos or children if you go the tiny sex doll route. Seeing a niche market to exploit, I set about making a prototype, thinking it was my ticket to passive income and alaska… my ex said the prototype was terrifying… i can’t think of a single woman who supported the endeavor… i tried to post a video about it on xvideos and they removed it saying it needs an edit for underage models. that was june or july 2024. In all fairness I was calling out Agent Red Girl for skewing young… Maybe she reported it… she’ll probably steal the idea… not dolls in general because she features those but the size i was going for… I still think it would be great. Instead of fairies, we went with aliens and the branding writes itself… Nailiens… I figured you could do a GI joe thing where maybe one has tentacles for clit suckers and you could make a cartoon to teach consent… the real money would be in accessories…

Maybe my ex just wasn’t talking to me because of that but the only reasons she’s ever not talked to me before was her boyfriend told her not to or she was ashamed of drugs she did… we used to watch bisexual orgies together… the way she was talking about this guy was raising my heckles… also her friend from 2022 had a local boyfriend and the friend ended up jumping out of a moving vehicle while in a fight. That girl broke both her ankles so that town wasn’t making a good name for itself not being abusive… they sprayed a bunch of agent orange out there once… maybe that’s the problem… or lead… during the winter of 2022-2023, her coworker was handing out percocet like skittles and the new guy was in the medical field so… can’t say i’m not worried about that. especially given thought of abuse.

On the flip side… seemed like she had a lot of anger to get out… so part of me was worried she was gonna get drunk one night and kick the shit out of him just for being another dude trying to take over her life… so… there was a part of me that was trying to warn him about how she kinda “life rafts” away the way her ex did when we first got together… they were both on the rebound… we’ve all seen it… like she always checked in when she got too rough with me but we were playing around… i shudder to think what would happen if she let herself off the leash… oh lawd… and you know what? like i said she lies about stuff if she thinks the person doesn’t want to hear it… so none of us will ever know… me personally… i’m over here thinking “i understand i had germany but you could’ve gone there… i brought it up while we were dating but you wanted to do your OWN(her boyfriend’s) thing… you wanted… whatever the hell that was… and now you’re doing it again but further away… this is compounding… it’s not tit for tat… I’m not trying to keep score but fuck… you can be mad about my hookups but i can just stop talking about those… Hell, if anything was ‘hers’ it was death care and now i’m over here doing that lonely as fuck.”

i get up there right? lose my vape pen but buy 3 tomahawks and go out every day during my break, getting better at throwing em… post signs up in the bar with my phone number asking people to come throw with me… My co worker tyler kept saying i was scaring the kids… well they scared me first…

like i said, nothing weird happened with jessica but i was being asked about it and the town was very adept at rumor spreading. had some choice words to say about the previous summer and what resulted from it(karma?). j and i were hanging out a lot but it consisted of writing cursive in the sand, jumping into rain ponds, and setting things on fire. one time we followed a dog into the woods. there wasn’t much to do but drink. i’m not a drinker and she was too young. plus i was working double shifts so i couldn’t really go out. Last i saw my ex, i went to drop off a book of poetry with jessica to our friend who was leaving. guess who was looking at the airport door as we walk in.

There’s some contention there. I talk a lot of trash on teenagers and my ex and i hooked up when she was 17 and i was 20. That’s not to say she wasn’t a great version of that age bracket but i wasn’t comfortable with that at the time. I thought i saw her sign her own waiver for the trampoline place we met at and by the time i found out, it was too late. So even if someone is “legal” that in no way shape or form means I am shooting for that kind of relationship. just talking about it makes me feel gross because i don’t want to think about it. however, we can all agree, it was a bad look to leave off on. At that point though, my ex and i had maybe 5 or 6 conversations that whole two months and i didn’t feel i owed her one then… especially because we weren’t there for anything to do with her.

also my co worker told me my ex’s boyfriend was gonna break up with her after the summer so… total shit show… she seems to like it though… still up there last i checked… I am not going back… like there are a few circumstances that could get me to take care of some business up there but seriously what the fuck??? and what sucks about being me and having the kids that i do is knowing for a FACT every time i’m alive i’ll do the same thing. it’s just a matter of where to go from here… I’ve made about as much peace with that as a person can without lying to cover up the humiliation. been chain smoking spliffs ever since though… also i had planned on keeping myself celibate just to see if that was the problem… made it to april and went to the strip club but we all know that… idk if psychic sex counts but if that is the problem, it’s her problem… I don’t really care about number of partners but being confronted with deeper emotional connections is no way to spend a life… i have exes who i’m friends with that are married but i can’t do that with this one… i don’t know what combination of things it is, but i’d rather be there… but whoever was up in alaska wasn’t the person i knew and the way she was talking… she didn’t know me either… we texted late 2023 and she said “give up on her” and that she was “surrounded by love” so… wouldn’t be the first time she lied about that… but one can dream…

Side note: a notable side plot of June 2024 was the feds trying to figure out if anything happened between J and i using their “Brain scanner” and again i had been time lasered… There was this really sweet moment when i was in a room finishing something up and there’s jessica with her back pack on. She says “i gotta go” and runs up and gives me a big hug. I thought i would cherish it forever. But suddenly i’m remembering it with a bunch of kaleidoscopic boobs because it’s getting mashed with some deep dream ai nightmare my sentences are conjuring up in front of some stupid spy on my phone… Comepletely ruined that shit… i kinda have both now but jeez… turn the safe search on why don’t ya… I was yelling at them like “whatever you are seeing is not what’s in my brain because what’s in my brain isn’t even what’s in my brain anymore. What the fuck is wrong with you? do you seriously think you can scan a brain through the phone? What kind of elizabeth holmes ass scientists do you have working for you?” This was taking place in a circle k parking lot. The stuff with my ex was different because i don’t know how long messenger saves photos. They could have gone back to her semester in wyoming and found the photos she sent during our first long distance experience. those were static.

The problem with any sort of rule enforcement of child endangerment, vigilante or state sanctioned, is there is a contingent who do fight these battles to engage in the behavior. Typically at that point it becomes a turf war. Various illicit actors selling each other out to have a better foothold or less scrutiny. Given that I staked my claim on “don’t molest kids,” of course, the easiest thing to do would be to catch me in some hypocrisy. Here it is. I engaged in sexual acts as a preteen boy with another preteen boy (like i said… dad looking at child porn) so in 2015 i traced the logo on an drawn scene of boys having an orgy. i changed the background to a confederate flag and called it “fiesta,” thinking little of it. This is opposed to the nudist girl that got me to reconsider the entire project. me being photographed naked as a child doesn’t excuse it. the fact that there was a url to investigate on the photo doesn’t excuse it. this is about hypocrisy… adult on child no but… now i don’t think the drawn was nearly as acceptable as i did either. otherwise… In real life… again i like women and very occasionally a man or two relatively my age. Similar cultural touchstones and such… Lot of weirdos do weird stuff for the sake of art… i think i’d justify some stuff that others wouldn’t but i definitely crossed a line in both those instances… i also did it to a drawing of hermoine granger and a lot can be said about the nature of rule 34 but lets all imagine it was the last year… just made it incredibly awkward whenever emma watson showed up on the psychic channels…

In mystic news. Before i left for germany i had a dream of what i thought was my ex and i chilling on a porch in our elder years. future kyle had already declared that i was going to germany so i told her “don’t worry, i know we end up together. I just have to see what else is out there.” I meant it like spiritually… but i can see how it sounded like i just wanted to chase strange. especially when i did. Well wouldn’t you know it, i talk about this in my videos. watch them…