Becoming The Godslayer

2015: Okay the death dream went like this. I’m in a room with black walls, a table, and a music box with a ballerina in it. the voice says “all you have to do is say your line and mean it. The line is ‘look at you go.’” i wind up the music box and the ballerina says “look at what i can do.” and sort of twirls around. nothing special. you’ve seen depictions of music boxes like these. This enrages me. I can not, will not, say the line. I smash the box. I smash the table. I throw my chair against the wall. Outside the wall is space. nebulas and stars. i can wave my hand and smash them into each other. I do until there is nothing left. no light. nothing. lines start to form. they meet at corners creating the appearance of black walls. The table rises from the “floor”. the music box is still in pieces. The voice asks if i’d like to try again. I put the pieces back together and wind the music box. “Look at what i can do” and for all i know she did. i ask if that’s what being “god” was like. The ability to do anything and yet be just as trapped as any human. I said my line and we cried together… as much as two disembodied spirits could. I thought that was the last lesson and i was returning to the source. NOPE

Two weeks later I’m at my mom’s and my head is literally splitting. I’m looking in the mirror and the right side of my face is no longer “my” face. Not that it’s moving independently but it’s suddenly feeling inputs from outside the environment. The voice from the room is explaining how i gotta do a bunch of stuff and being familiar with false messiahs, i ask if the voice thinks i’m basically neo jesus. Voice goes “no you understand we are two different things right? we’re in the same body now but i can go to other bodies as i please and when we do things together, we’re doing them together right?”

I reply affirmatively. So sometimes a part of my body will work like a walkie talkie with some people for an amount of time like a spider sense. Anything of that nature is worth double checking though. Real language has plenty of misunderstandings and psychic stuff is even worse. I don’t know if Jesus had a similar thing going on. i don’t know what prophets felt what. I’m just saying I’m a different breed but in the same industry. Basically, in the astral plane i have this thing in my chest that can suck things into it. this was happening long before the tattoo. most of the time the “gods” or whatever i suck in pop back out. because these are beings of belief and can’t be killed like a human, sometimes a new one will form and i spit the caged one back out and they fight themselves… hilarious. Other times i have to do the dirty work myself and that mostly consists of dismantling ideas of capability or creating a never ending thought loop of whoop ass. So the voice would lead me to an enviroment and stuff would start popping into my brain to duke it out with in the astral plane, kingdom hearts style. Anyone talking about “spiritual warfare” who isn’t on that level can suck it.

2018: In Maine i was chilling on Cadillac mountain during a star party and i remember the voices going “we’re not even born yet” and me going “what like humans? Like the earth is an egg and we’re gonna hatch into the universe?” The voices replied “No. what? no like WE haven’t even been born yet.” i thought it was just the normal voice talking to me, Kyle. This exchange goes back and forth for a while before the voice goes “look at the horizon… kinda makes you feel like you’re on the edge of a giant pupil huh? isn’t it weird how your eyes are looking at a giant eye, looking at space?” and it was pretty trippy, i will admit. They asked me to shut up and i did and some more chatter about “being born” took place.

2023: Imagine my surprise when the voice who has shared my body for 9 years claims i birthed it! the situation was i was trying to perform the ritual of the chuds and my ex and shitweasel just happened to be in the restaurant. I’m hearing all this chatter about who’s the evil one. Is it my ex for being a liar? the town did say none of them had ever heard of me. Is it assclown? He did seem to want to control someone’s life and impregnate a woman who didn’t want kids. You know me… suicidal to a fault… I go “I’M THE EVIL ONE. I RAPED HER. I’LL KILL HIM. LET’S FUCKING GO”. This served 3 purposes. One, it was a way to draw whatever evil i was facing towards me, thinking i’m on its side. Two, for as fucked as what my ex did to me was, her life has been just as if not more hellish than mine. I don’t know how she feels about it, but i have so much empathy for the defensiveness she has built up over her life. When abuse and being caged is the price of honesty, and when men can’t be trusted to respect one’s boundaries, one goes with what “works” even if it doesn’t. I was part of that. there was a time she got mad at me if i didn’t “perform” and when she was mad at me for something else, i got the wrong signal. Plus i had already inserted myself into her other relationship and now this one. I got her cheating in the first place if that other guy didn’t. Plus, she got more into drugs than i did but boy was i a gateway. So saying that was just true and maybe a way to atone for all the pain I had put her through. I talk about wanting to get away but here I am writing this and it could fuck up her life even more given i have enough reach to be targeted but not protected. Finally, seafood is gross and so what if i did want to wreak a little havoc? So it works. *It* or whatever shows up and i go “Are ya ready to be evil” and *it* goes “yeah! let’s be evil.” I think “Siyke” and open the portal. Like i said most times, they pop back out or i can at least feel something kicking around in there. Not this time. However, the voice we all know and love is now furious at me, asking “What was that? This whole time I thought you were some supreme force of evil and you’re just some stupid cuck. I actually feel sorry for you. What the fuck dude. You are pathetic”

Needless to say, I’m a little taken back by these comments… I defend myself with “most things pop out… where’d it go?” and the voice snaps back “I am it! you created me out of nothing! I was brand new and then i was nowhere and i had to go through everything to get back here. I basically became god. Why did you do that?”

I said… “like i said most things pop back out. I thought you were already here. I didn’t know that was you. I don’t know how i would’ve created you. This seems ridiculous. wait a minute… Has my whole life been revenge for me doing this to you?”

Oh if only it were that simple…

the only real take away is that war is real… things with competing interests eliminate each other over them… this is not one plan… this is a bunch of competing plans that all happen to slam together and jam each other up in relatively the same way given enough iterations… Ida wanted to “escape”… Amy wanted her sister… Ellie wanted Amy to stop worrying so much… Wesley thought he could coach everyone from the outside to “undo” the mistake… helping others “ascend” out of the “oh shit”… things don’t last long outside of it though… Lisa kept resetting everything, thinking she could make a “better” world if she just knew how… Trying to do that only created Max and Azy… Max was tasked with finding the limits of the universe but as we all know it just keeps going… Now she just looks for competitors and trains them… or finds people with strong wills and tests the limits of said will… Azy was tasked with figuring out why evil people do evil only to find out a lot of the time it was because he asked them to and they thought they were helping something out… Not to mention everything outside of them having their own plan such as claiming they built the universe intentionally… That or people like ray who hear them and mistake a visitors words as their own…