Another one of those things it’s just easier to link than explain every time

2025.2.24

Okay… So I don’t blame my ex for how i am now… Ever since i was a kid, I heard voices… There is a history of me as a toddler that borders on abuse even if my caregiver didn’t see it as such… I found 4chan when i was 11… For the next two to three years i saw videos and photos of children as young as 9 getting abused… This led to interactions at that time that should not have happened… during this my dad got fired from his job for doing meth… lied about it to me for 3 months… came clean… and got arrested for meth the next year… This completely took over any discussion of what was going on at my father’s and going to a 12 step program was enough to restore shared custody, apparently…

I met my ex when i was 20 and she was 17. She had a somewhat similar upbringing but from her accounts, a decent dad… towards the end of our relationship… i could not do anything right… we tried to have less sex because it was all we did and i recommended disc golf but forgot to lock the car and her backpack got stolen. I did drugs the night before new years and screwed everything up. She was always complaining about how much weed everyone smoked in wyoming so i said “why not move back?” and that led to depression because for as great as her parents are, living with them is not. Plus the infamous parking garage scene where i saw her run away in tears for doing what had brought her joy so many times before… giggles to tears…

Second time around… clear boundaries set… no i love you’s… “gonna need some time alone”… Whatever… I dated two chicks… i know how it goes… just be chiller… and i was…

alaska round 2… she’s not talking to me… Dammit… okay… last time i gave up… this time fight… “wasn’t exactly rape”… OKAY REALLY FIGHT… lost…

but in losing… fulfilled my destiny… of restarting the… universe or something… it’s a big loop… nothing “needs” to happen… but dumbasses sure think it does so we get this…

So no… honestly… i feel bad about shitting on a lot of what that lady likes… Ajr was her favorite band and man… i really would’ve preferred if she didn’t take that guys wack ass lessons to heart… Same goes for me and my grammy… funny enough, the second time around, my ex was shit talking npr because one time i freaked about cheese… turns out pork was fucking up my body… hawaiian slices… now i just do pineapple and onion and it’s great… lol… not as cute as the time we got each other the same adventure time valentines day card, but oh well…

i liked her a lot… I liked her funko pop collection. I liked the way she would timidly try thing her friends did and then find certain things to recklessly go over board with. i don’t think she was trying to hurt me the way she did. One of the reasons she didn’t want to get back together was she “didn’t like what she did to [me].” I assume she meant the craziness… but she also used to sing hercules to herself when she couldn’t sleep… When we’re apart, it feels like i’m up against hades… and hades is just using her as bait. That’s my biggest issue… She is more than that to me… She’s a whole ass person… A whole ass person who loved outside of me… who has friends outside of me… has a whole ass state to play around that i won’t go back to… Unless I need to kill someone… it wouldn’t help… but i’ve done everything else…

My issue is with the people who perpetuate the cycle of sexual violence we both got caught up in. I will never get a life without the scars i have accrued… My mission is not one of vengeance but of harm reduction. I started amending my ways because i found a website like this… One of the girls in the abuse videos became an outspoken advocate against such behavior. She was 31 when i was 13. I am 32 now. Somewhere out there, a teen could be reading this. If you think i am crazy, you know what lead here.

If you wrestle with personal relationships as i do, just remember, we have a shared experience that we can’t share. It connects us and we find each other. There are people out there who get through life unscathed and it’s sadly up to us to make our needs known without dragging them into the despair we face on the daily. I don’t want this to be my whole life. I like the music i make. I like plant photography… i got to choose those… and i choose to hold space for others in this situation that still have a lot to process… i do too and i’m prone to fits of rage. Luckily, I’m more at risk of hitting myself than anyone else… unless i have to go back up to alaska…

Futhermore, It helps me to address various gods instead of specific religious figures (because there are so many of them). When my dad was lying about meth, I defended him, as I’m sure some reading this have done with members of their church. To me… they are indistinguishable… Even with free will, what kind of god would allow those acts to be perpetrated in their house? As we move forward and begin to discuss these topics without letting them define us, I do not want to take away anyone’s connection to the devine. My ex’s father reached out to a church when his children were struggling in school and that gave him a community that i frankly think is more beneficial to him than anyone else and it causes rifts. It brought me to that god… i took communion with them… not the first… not the last (let’s get that soma going)… Nevertheless that church has been going for 50 years strong and has given me some hilarious stories… Every time i go i meet someone nice and it cracks me up because if only they knew! Meanwhile… Red Rocks church is literally the scary part from 1984 and the ensuing apple commercials… What the hell?! I’ve been to two of the churches… Both times… a live band plays… but the pastor isn’t there… this plays on a screen… 2 minutes in he’s reading about blowjobs(like i said jesus comes to me in various people so maybe there was one opportunistic cellmate of paul’s)… 9 and half in he’s talking about elon musk… His whole message is fundamentally flawed… “you can’t get a cactus to produce apples”… dumbass… according to most american interpretations of the bible, an apple got adam and eve kicked out of eden… there’s a cactus that several claim has brought them to god… the fuck are you talking about? TAPE APPLES TO A CACTUS? THE TOOTH PICKS ARE THERE!!! honestly, if one had a machete and some apples… good way to carrying the cactus if one didn’t have a bag… i don’t know what san pedro looks like… “The desires of the flesh are evident”… Uhhhh… like the desire to have a congregation you don’t have to actually interact with like some kind of 3rd rate WWII bond ad? 4 live bands… 1 sermon… pastor nowhere in sight… are they praying to MF Doom? (he was rumored to have friends lip sync in a mask)

So yeah I blame all of that stuff… My ex just bopped along like i did… We tried to be so nice but you know what they say about the road to hell… What’s funny is i’m pretty sure certain deities were trying to take me out to avoid this… prophesy… what are you gonna do? heavy is the head, so pull my hair…