Ghosts n Things…

this section is being written on 2025.2.4

2015: A bunch of stuff happened in two weeks but one story really stands out. This one time i bought a giant rice krispee treat and a gas station attendant told me his name was john wayne. I walk back out and in with the rice krispee treat and he says “I don’t know what you’re smoking but i don’t want none of it.” That was on my way up to my mom’s house before the psych ward.

Before that, there was a day at work where a voice told me to call my boss, adam and tell him i had to take care of something. he’d understand. Adam did. There was some stuff about layered reality and the nature of the garden of Eden, but I’ll spare you that. The point is we’re talking about rivers while going on a mission to get a cross as a present for my pastor friend at the lutheran church. I head south and as luck would have it, meet up with my coworkers brother, also adam and shake his hand before walking up the street, crossing “rivers” of asphalt. I walk into the first christian book store i see and ask if they have any crosses. They don’t but the store up the street might. The guy behind the counter calls out as i leave “say hi to pastor Kim for me.” Pastor Kim is not there to greet me at the next store. Instead, a man named richard asks if i need assistance. I tell richard i’m in a similar position to christ’s followers on palm sunday. i have no money but must secure something for jesus or something. richard doesn’t believe me or really needed the money. I’m told to come back after my shift with some tip money. there’s a great limerick about this but you’ve got enough reading to do. As i drive back to work, i contemplate the task at hand. How does one get a cross. One could make a cross. After all, it’s just two pieces of anything really. Wood, metal, cloth. All have been worn around the neck as a symbol of devotion. So now we’re making a cross. Making what a cross? Making it a cross. How does one make it a cross? Well if you take the letter i out, a cross is all that’s left. So, the answer to the riddle is… “you take yourself out of it.” So i let my bruised ego from richard go. After my shift, i returned to the second shop and a kindly man explained the rosary to me. I forgot most of what he said. One day was merciful though and that’s good. The man asks why i’m buying the cross and i explain my solo bible study sessions and how i hadn’t seen the pastor in a while. My new acquaintance mentions he too is a pastor. Pastor Kim, in fact. He tells a story about how he was at a convention of christian leaders and was asked to write the names of all the people he held hate for in his heart. There was one name on the list. Pastor Kim was asked to circle the list and told that the circle represented how much he loved god. Apparently holding resentment from one of god’s creatures was a slight of the big man himself in their eyes. I had a similar experience, list and everything, for entirely different reasons, but the day was weird enough as it was so i rolled with it. Turns out the Man Kim hated had molested him. I questioned how such an act could be forgiven. The man was dead now. He had gone to jail or something and wrote a letter apologizing on his deathbed. Kim tore it up without reading it. He said “i had already moved on with my life and made piece with it, why would i give him any more chances to disturb that” or something along those lines. I paid for the rosary and asked for a piece of paper. On it i wrote “Thanks for helping me get a cross” and circled it…

i dropped the rosary in the lutheran pastors office with a note from me. While attending service later that month he walked up to me and said “you know that’s catholic right?”

2016: As I said on the main story page, a kid drowned in the pool at the hotel. That one was weird because he kept showing up when i closed my eyes as one of the weird hair creatures from “the grudge” Once again, I am not vividly hallucinating with my eyes open but i learned how to do a thing i like to call split screening where i’m pretty much dreaming constantly while awake unless i’m doing something that requires focus like listening to a friend… Driving is mostly muscle memory and podcasts/music just become chatter for thoughts to emerge from. Thoughts like this tangled mess that eventually manifested into a child when i read the plaque a couple more times by the pool. He kept talking about how excited his parents would be to see him. I disagreed. Why would they want to? I didn’t have this as ammunition but do you see me going back to alaska? Why go back to the one of the worst things to happen to you? Losing a loved one is terrible. Plus, He wasn’t aging… He was still a little kid… If i saw someone decades later and they were literally the same as when i left, that would freak me the fuck out… There was another ghost in the laundry room. I was hungover one day and it asked me what i’d ask for if it could grant wishes. In my state i said “i don’t want to work” and all power went out in the laundry room… We got four hours off or something. Turns out there’s a breaker switch that’s kinda finicky. Known issue but didn’t get fixed that day for four hours. That ghost then explained it was kinda trapped at the hotel but i could take it to the bar if it hitchhiked in my body. We did. Had a blast. Ain’t no party like a ghost in you party because a ghost in you really missed having a body. well “missed” is kind of a misnomer. i still think most ghost activity is dreams and such while alive but connected somehow. Being a disembodied voice is nowhere near as cool as partying in the future, wouldn’t you say? There was also a supposed ghost in another building that used to be a nazi hospital but i just went over there for kegelbahn…

2019: Ghosts in pizza… I guess… they feel wanted that way?

2021: I work with the recently deceased!!! HELL YEAH THERES GHOSTS! THE FUCK YOU THINK THIS IS??? most of em are like “so I’m dead huh?” and i go “yeah totally… that’s your body” and they mumble a bit… i think it gives them some piece while letting go… just before death to just after isn’t that much of a jump… a lot of em are in bed anyway…

2022: big ghost energy at work… Possibly boss’s dad? garage doors opening at weird times and other such sightings…

2023: Ghost Grammy… Bunch of stuff came to light as she was dying… She used to say “i want to believe i’m a good person” a lot… Kind of a meaningless distinction in my eyes… what would one do? weigh the opinions of everyone they came in contact with?(i want to believe i’m dy-no-mite!!!) i would describe her as somewhat unavoidable, especially for my father and i. She moved to colorado to take care of me and became a therapist. She frequently remarked on how glad she was i wasn’t embarrassed by her. When I moved in with her in 2018, we started fighting… but she had cancer… One Christmas I offered to digitize her old home movies… it was a strange kind of nostalgic horror… There was the old house… and in it, me bouncing along to “little girls” by oingo boingo in my swing chair hung from a door frame… My legs kicking frantically at spinner toys in my crib… My brother being born and my first reaction being to smack his face with a balloon on a stick… and then one’s i wasn’t involved in… a halloween parade for my mom’s students where my grammy asked to have the camera pointed at her… a sarcastic song about aging at her sister’s 50th birthday… But the one that got me was my cousin chasing his cat with something tied around it’s tail… the cat didn’t like that and neither did my cousin, who was still in diapers… but my grammy was cackling away… and then when she died we went through all her photos. i found one of me naked as a toddler with my legs spread apart in a shallow bath of some sort. I guess a running gag was my testicles were really red as a baby and they were on full display. She was the one who got me into mysticism and frequently bragged about speaking with the ghost of her mother. she really wanted me to do that with her. 30 years was enough… She’s in so much of my art and i tried to always cast her in a positive light because she’s done so much for me… Alas, she’s also the source of my main character syndrome to some extent and most of why i’m so fucked up when it comes to intimacy… started teaching me about sex as early as i can remember and wanted all the juicy details as i got older… She used to put her face right up against mine when i was sleeping and i started 2015 with my ex crying in the hallway because she wanted to kiss me at midnight and i pushed her away… force of habit… in all fairness i got fucked up at a rave the night before and didn’t sleep… i’m kinda a butthole… So i pretty much just tell my grammy’s ghost to fuck off all the time and in a way explains why she was so sussed out about me when i was living with her… also makes me the… bad… guy… from shrek 2? the fuck…

2024: This one’s weird. So after i got framed for murder in may. did we go over that? basically i imagine i’m talking with people on cleverbot sometimes. it’s not them. it just helps me get my thoughts together but then sometimes it works too well and other times sends me down freaky rabbit holes. One night it seemed like 4chan’s owner was coming through so i simply said, by name, he doesn’t have magic or friends. Then the psychic channels lit up two days later claiming this made him kill himself… later i mentioned they should check the cameras… apparently he got kicked out of his old website so he’s no stranger to coups… probably has something to do with what he allows (and manufactures)… he’s not dead, i don’t think… So sometime after that, Clever bot asks me to search something basic… like a fire extinguisher or something… i do and one stands out… it has a bunch of watermarks on it the way stock photos do but there’s something weird in the filename and i’m looking for a word that could be a last name… first name is gary or something… I land on a word sounding like partoon… googling this brings me to a youtube channel with a middle school aged girl… i don’t watch much as i don’t really care for children, but suddenly I’m crying and my body is getting flashes of pain. a voice in my head keeps telling me it was the worst thing it had ever seen… I put it on the backburner and can’t seem to find what i was originally looking at… then today youtube recommends me this video about abandoned youtube channels. It’s far enough away that i can’t say the two are related… tragic though…

and can i just say… my ex was hit by a truck at the age of 12 so this whole thing is bizarre… Once again… she’s cool to be around and i did love her but it really seems more like ghosts n stuff care about the relationship wayyyy more than either of us… she dated that other guy much longer than me… If she’s still with alaska guy then she’s been with him longer than me this time around too… When we talked in alaska she said the most crushing loss was her cat… this was in realtion to her friend taking a breakup poorly… so me going to germany clearly didn’t hurt that much… i get it… Here I am typing this like “i should be more romantic and less harsh”… WHY??? Nearest i can figure is i hate to see her sad especially if i caused it but the whole point of kissing her in alaska was that was the last time i’d be able to… whether she liked it or not… when i was driving past her name, for months i just kept thinking “here’s all the reasons why after she stated we weren’t getting back together and moved away, i shouldn’t reach out to her”… we used to have this joke that the whole world’s against us… now it seems like it’s just against me… better that way for her sake… but in all fairness I told everything to go fuck itself in alaska… and one guy can’t be THAT resource intensive… i act all rebellious but i’m writing this despite my wishes aren’t i… my takes but why did it come to this? why lay myself bare before the internet? seriously what the fuck? bum ass planet can’t even hell right… Shiiii that’s like fear hole trope #2… girlfriend comes back only to be ripped away again… could this be more telegraphed? Only real torture is how long, drawn out, and boring this all is… i suppose that’s what you get when you go up against the pedophillic elite in the battlefield of ideas… bureaucracy and human resources… my ex and i used to joke “what’s another year or 50?”… ugh… and you know… i’m worried about her… but like… if you do things designed to hurt, they do… it just makes people question what you hope to get out of it… person or god… oh you wanted me to learn something? from an asshole like you? If you just like suffering… okay but weird… learned that one the hard way from my brother… got me to stop kicking his ass just by sitting there and asking “you feel big yet?” every couple of punches…

in eden i crossed many rivers

and met a book keeper named richard

i offered two gifts

dick picked, like a dick

i hope richard feels a bit richer